Motive?

241E8FA8-4FBC-459D-8F1E-9BB8547D1F1AThis morning while walking early, as I do often and watch the sun rise over the tree tops feeling the crisp, cool air while I start my day, I often think and pray.  Many days, I meet a friend and we walk together.  As I was rounding the corner, hitting my first-mile marker, the thought and question came to me as to what is my motive in doing this.  Where did that come from, I thought?  Lord, what are you asking me with this question so I pondered it as I continued on walking.6F48B83F-91C5-43FA-8FC4-A33CFE19677A

Of course, I have a goal in walking to be more physically active, which is so not me until last year but now has become an addiction almost.  I have a goal to run, well walk, my first 5K marathon in August and like most of us we walk to lose weight.  I am finally at a place in my life, I want better.  I want to be better and I want to feel better.  That is one heck of a goal, if I say so myself.

Still the motive.  I knew right away what it was, although my goals mentioned are good ones.  The motive I desire was to be told by this one person that I miss but that they are proud of me.  Perhaps one day, I will get the opportunity to see and talk to her once again, which is my former counselor.657C2074-0187-4B8C-BBE4-C61EA53BDF6F

This is typical of me to feel this, the little girl inside me, as I have had all my life with what you would call mentors (or mother figures) in my life.  We all want others to be pleased with our performance.  Plus, I am a poster child for CEN (childhood emotional neglect), I feel and I might as well throw in abandonment.

C73ED28A-4ADD-4423-B712-2AB5E5FD062FAs a child from a home that you just existed in with no real emotional support or touch, you (or I did) tend to reach out to anyone that will give that need, that mothering, direction, understanding, etc.  It was my coping skills all through life of grasping love and attention.  Now recognizing since being in her counseling sessions week after week, year after year, how could I not want her to be proud of me.  I have spent more one-on-one time with her (well over 200 hours) than I have anyone, whether that be my own mother, siblings, or any family/friends to really know me.

I thank God for her and helping me understand myself after years of questioning what was wrong with me.

While now I understand my motive and goal in my walking, desiring her approval and being proud, but I will continue with or without it.  This has been a major change in my life, as well as other areas, and I am moving forward.

Perhaps, just that question while walking, “What is your motive?” was to be reminded that I am worthy and proud of myself.  Forever thankful to be where I am at this time in my life.

The Lord will place the right people in your path to get you to where you need to be.  You are worthy!  Trust Him.

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Dangling

B3FB919E-FF34-41CA-8ACC-E34E35CBA3CEJust sharing my life and present situation, as I try to adjust from one counselor of four years to another. I have to remember and remind myself that they are not the same.

I find it funny now that I often got irritated with my former counselor if the previous week’s session was not touched upon again. Let’s pick up where we left off at please, as I was still dealing with the thoughts and issues from the previous week. Most of the time, we did or she realized and understood the chaos it caused me, if not. Other times, we would cover many areas and panic came as I held up my hand, fingers hanging down and moving; she knew and understood when I felt I was dangling. No doubt she found me irritating but she hung in there with me. Too many issues in front of me to deal with and the chaos would come to the forefront. Stop the dangling!A7F0E4A9-8DE5-4D12-9C04-A0ACA8464D8B

Now, as I am with a new counselor, rarely do we pick up from the previous week’s session. With that, I had to ask her some questions recently. Although, I knew her ways were and will be different, I get it. I have grown through this transition although it has not been easy but I am not going to remain stuck.

So what if we don’t pick up on last week’s topic. Part of me is even shocked with that comment although I/we carry on. Asking questions of the counselor helped me get a better understanding of her, how she manages my records, etc. That’s just me. I have to have order somewhere in my mind but coming to the final conclusion, she is there to help me and I know my records are secure. Let’s move on.

D9046ADA-B82D-4B95-8D6A-33B2E1D883A9As a client, we are allowed to ask questions. Also, prior to meeting with a new counselor, we should do our own due diligence and research of him/her. End result is to trust and go forward. Then the role is reversed, as the counselor asks many questions and gets to know us with our private, personal, deep-dark secrets and a relationship is built between a counselor-client of trust. 51F8BCD1-4F15-44DA-B8A7-C1BD08B7F593It’s pretty awesome, especially when you can open up and share. Healing begins within you.

I feel that it is to your best interest to make the most of counseling, the time between sessions, to do research, read and trust the Lord to bring healing. Isn’t that why you are in counseling anyway? It is not just the counselor’s responsibility, it’s yours, too.

Pray not only for yourself to receive the therapeutic guidance from the counselor but for your heart to be open to receive and your ears and mind to hear. Pray, too, for the counselor to be open for the Lord to speak to them for and to you. There just might be some WOW moments and light to a dark corner of your life, at times.

A3B1CAEF-F72F-485B-8DD8-D1EA9B453A5ECounseling is not easy. Depending upon what you both are dealing with in these sessions, it is downright hard. Many times with my prior counselor, I have wanted to get up and leave in the middle of a session, other times never come back but I did because I was determined to move forward.  It was no surprise to her, as we discussed those facts often. Thankfully, she was mean enough to put up with me and I appreciated and loved her more for that reason.

So now as my new counselor and I get more familiar with one another, trust deepens and healing continues. I am looking forward to what lies ahead and how our counselor-client relationship will develop and if she pushes me (my buttons) to be the best person I can be. I think she will.

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If you are considering a counselor, hopefully this will help give you a glimpse of my experience. It is worth taking care of YOU, you have to. Wish you the best! ML

Forget Me Not

BAAB3740-FFE7-4AD1-819D-4F4B6AD5ADAAThroughout my life I have always dreamed of doing and giving to help others, which is a good thing, if only I had the millions of dollars to do so.

Still, I do what I can when I can and usually not on special occasions but out of the blue, just because.  Everyone needs to get a surprise now and then and plus it is fun for me.71799F7E-3E53-4D12-8FD0-B94D24337DD9

Realizing this pattern in my life, it was when my former counselor mentioned this to me.  It has been amazing how much she made me understand life and myself.  Asking me why I do this for her or others.

I find that throw pillows make a room.  I love pillows and found that you can buy pillow covers from Amazon to slip on and zip up to change the theme; so my life, in my own home, has been exciting.

With the pillows though, my counselor had purchased a new loveseat for her brightly, painted walls in her office, but I felt it needed a pillow to bring it all together.  I was on a mission and made sure this was done.  It made me happy 5CEE944E-BCBE-45A8-A0BC-74DFA8D7A6A1to do this for her and she accepted my gift, which I was unsure she would. It also settled my mind while in counseling as I could focus on the colors or rub my hand over the texture of the fabric to ground myself if in a deep, emotional moment.

Still, even though I no longer sit on that loveseat as she is no longer counseling, I see pillows that would be perfect and I just smile and think, that would be perfect.

With the pillows given through the years, to change out, I often wonder now if she still has them and uses and thinks of me, as I do her when I shop.896F8327-E201-435B-A212-4E1C958290A3

Her comment to me was asking why I give gifts.  Crazy enough, it is like how a cat shows its love by bringing a mouse to its owner, the cat is grateful and loves the owner.FCEF7A64-675E-40A5-8AEE-517720495064

It was when we had discussed abandonment in my life so much that she felt the gifts given were to remind her of me.  Leaving a piece of me with her so I would not be forgotten.  I remember that moment well and while shaking my head, I replied with, Yes.  Again, she understood me.  To be heard and understood, brings healing.0ACBF96B-DC5D-442B-AF24-CE7340C5CC0C

Abandonment, whether young or old, the lack of love shown through life will be visible to those that really care.  She did.  How could I not bring and give her gifts?  I was grateful for her bringing light to the dark corners of my life.  I love and miss her as my counselor, who knew me better than my own family and close friends.

Giving gifts is one of my love languages.  The five love languages are not just for spouses but in life and in all relationships.

For me to receive gifts, it is not easy although nice, but it is a joy to give.  I’ll take touch (all the hugs, mostly sincere, tight motherly ones I can get) and words (so I can write them down and repeat over and over to myself and be reminded of spoken love toward me).  Due to abandonment and emotional neglect, this would be typical in my situation.

Where do you rate in the love languages?

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God Winks

B2EA2A90-D200-4A8E-A23C-07AA7ED8872BIn all of these years, I had never heard the term, God Winks. Why is that? I have had many, to think of, just the Favor of God. Basically the same. I have and no doubt you have had situations come about that only God could orchestrate and faith would be increased with joy in your heart to experience.

This past week, I was telling my present counselor about my week and this one situation. While I was thrilled, he was quite ecstatic because he promptly said that was no coincidence, that was a God Wink. I totally agreed.

1DDC170A-AB01-468C-8496-763D21B1BDE6The more I gave thought to it, I was just thankful to God all this time, but then realized how he was so right, it was no coincidence. Thankfully, I just tend to have stuff like this happen in my life and think how cool is that but also thankful and happy. It is so God. He is showing me that He knows exactly where I am. How cool is that?!?

Last Sunday morning was running a little different and out of routine, as my son was in for the weekend but leaving to go back to his place. I was getting ready for church but was getting off kilter, as he is never rushed. I managed and we still enjoyed our time talking. Knowing my church service was the late one, I still had time. Soon though, time got away from me but finally got him on the road and me, too.

Living only ten miles from the church, I had time to get there on time. I travel a windy two-lane highway and usually no problem at all, nice and slow they say. Well, that is exactly what happened. Moving just fine and then nice and slow. Traffic was backed up for several miles. I’m thinking a wreck perhaps but later learned a detour from the main interstate. Slowly inching my way toward church, I come close to a church where my former counselor attends.

It has been now seven months since our last session due to her leave. I have so missed her and have struggled with abandonment and fighting depression but improving. Trying hard to understand but there is still a grief. After four years together in weekly sessions, she was a big part of my life.

So as I approach the parking lot to her church, I could see her car at a distance. Just seeing her car as I pass weekly, as I go to my church and seeing she is at her church, it makes me feel good, knowing she is there and okay.

As I inch my way up the road, the thought came that I will miss seeing her once again although the parking lot was pretty empty.  I was kind of bummed but then I see her car move and come toward the exit. My car was coming up on the church exit, which allowed her to pull out in front of me. It was just as if we planned it.  No, that was the Favor of God or a God Wink, as my new counselor said.

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As her car is now in front of mine, my heart was beating so fast of the excitement of this happening and also seeing her.  Sometimes I am just amazed how such a rare situation can happen with me. It does but it has been a long time. I so needed that whole scenario to happen and no doubt the Lord knew I needed just that. He is so good.

Looking ahead of my car, she was able to pull out on the road with many cars in line behind me and no traffic coming in the other direction. It was like the cars all around us stood still. We could not have timed this any better, only God could. I think she was happy to see me, too.

God Winks. Look for them. 2FAE5D2A-7F51-4487-846C-D547B1E10B98

“Every so-called coincidence or answered prayer is God’s way of letting you know He’s thinking of you.

“An event or personal experience, often identified as coincidence, so astonishing that it is seen as a sign of divine intervention, especially when perceived as the answer to a prayer.”

God +‎ wink; coined by SQuire Rushnell, author

Catch a Blowing Kiss 💋

13729142-69e8-4743-9feb-2efad95e868e-12389-00000b92ef91368dBlow me a kiss and I will grab it.  Mine to cherish, remember and treasure.

Many of you reading may not understand why a kiss blown is so special to me; but for those who did not receive openly, expressed love growing up, it is a moment etched in the brain of the receiver.  A gift.  7B94430B-9382-470E-B3E0-C8DA6D2D98F5

Today, I just so happened to see someone that is special to me and I have missed. While only passing in the car and the kiss she blew to me, it meant so much.  To know she was happy to see me in passing and cared enough to do that, my heart felt full. 💕

Many friends and families throw around the words ‘I Love You’ and kisses on the cheek given so quickly and freely, although love through it all, too, I find it to be just because that is what you do.  Meaningful feelings sometimes I feel are overlooked, just expected. I do not know really because I never had that so when it does happen, a sincere tight hug or like today, a kiss blown toward me showing they cared, touches my heart deeply.

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It is when and I know so well, the quiet, lonely times of feeling desolate from friends and family and that nobody cares.   Thankfully, faith arises knowing the Lord loves me and is always there for me.  I have to depend upon Him to love me and I have to accept His Love, then peace comes.

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Stepping Stones

I was recently told by my former counselor that she was just a stepping stone in my journey of healing. So true but so hard to grasp when my heart was breaking reading the truth. Fear of letting go and going forward is scary. img_0304

As I remember my past and each person involved in my life, just like yours, they were each stepping stones to where we are today. Each one, we learn from and grow while in some of those brought hurt and sadness and are stumbling blocks. Either way, through each, they pushed us forward.

I don’t like change and this last stone I was pushed off due to circumstances out of her control, which made me unsteady. Actually, they all do but with most recent ones, the distress is great.

ADB8E177-52DF-4509-B97B-FF79A7DD854DTo recognize and accept finally, it makes it easier to understand and go forward. Reminding yourself, you can do this and you do.

No matter of those before, they will always be a part of your life and testimony. I would not be where I am today had it not been for each person that was a stepping stone in my life. For that, I am thankful.

B1336C71-9397-4B79-8801-EB0B05C9D46DI am stepping onward, sometimes in faith believing, and moving forward. We have to in order to grow and heal.

The Lord has a plan for each of our lives and He will get us to where we need to be. Trust Him as you go about the stepping stones in life.

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A Changing Heart

EA46BC12-7A8B-49FE-B638-1CA236B7E3B6On Sunday morning as I was getting ready for church in anticipation, as I truly love my late church service, I felt time was moving so slow.   What was I doing so different than other mornings, as each time I looked at the clock, it only moved minutes from the last observance.

As I drove toward church, with extra time, I went out of my way knowing the traffic from the earlier service would be chaotic due to a recent addition made so I drove around.  Time being available but also in hopes of passing someone that I had not seen for months.

07B036A7-ACE5-4A4C-9FC2-7045D831AEDDIn all that, I found my memories, thoughts and emotions were being affected. My heart becoming heavy and fighting back tears due to grief felt.  Aware of the sadness, as I found my seat, I tried to immerse myself in the worship once the music began.  I tried and did but it was a battle.

As I began to worship and realize that the Lord knows the hurt and grief within, I know He loves me, is healing broken pieces within me and has a plan for me.  He will not let this pain go to waste.

95CEFA90-2892-4F8B-83F6-46B49994BC3FIt was then when I felt light hearted and a refreshing come over me.  It was when I put my eyes, my thoughts and worship toward Him. I could feel joy.

To walk in heavy hearted and to leave light hearted, just within that time period was evidence and knowledge enough to know I am (we are) to look to Him and praise Him.   Acknowledge Him continuously in our daily lives, not just in church.  EDD028E1-1AED-4A58-89F9-3D7F31DF8F6B

People will let us down over and over, disappointments come and things in life just happens but perhaps and many times to push us toward Him.  A lesson learned and repeated but worth it.

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