The Light is On

5EDFB0D5-09E2-4410-B860-11A76D5CF117As I sat and talked with my counselor the other night, we covered a lot of ground, as I try to understand myself and as she is trying to understand me. Counseling has been good for me the past five years. I am not the same person that I was when I first walked into my former counselor’s office. It has been a safe place to share anything and everything, not be judged, ridiculed or made to feel less than, adding to shame.

At times it seems like a waste of time to discuss the past but the past affects our today and future, if not dealt with and understood. There are some things I want to know and to understand the whys in life as a child, adult and even now as I ponder at my present age. Talking it through, listening, research and even writing blogs have been healing for me.

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It was even when I was a child I knew I had a teacher that was a role model for me when in elementary school and years following. I watched her, how she dressed, I looked at her gold wedding ring of how pretty, her short dark hair, how she carried herself and conversation with others (adults or students). Always positive, I felt in my view, perfect.

I wanted to be just like her. It was my desire to become a teacher at that age. No surprise, as I would have the neighborhood kids in our garage sit as students, at times, during summer break and we had school. Of course, I was the teacher, just like her. We all had fun at this time in my life, as children should play and be imaginative.

As a little girl, I had my Barbie dolls, as many little girls did, and I was oftentimes in my Barbie doll world as I was off in my bedroom while others were in the living room 7F3EF6F6-4630-4F1F-BE80-8445AEB29898talking, laughing and drinking beer. I had this one Barbie doll that I probably picked out to buy that reminded me of her, with short dark hair. We all know, Barbie dolls are perfect.

Later, there came a time when I sat down to all of my dolls, and I remember thinking this is silly. I packed up my dolls, doll house, clothes and they went into storage. I still have all my dolls in safe keeping one day for my granddaughter(s) to play with or for an antique store to sell, when I am gone.

Even though my dolls were put away from childhood, as I entered into a new phase of my life, my role model was still special to me.

With her importance to me, it was always a joy to run into her outside of school or see her as I rode my bike. When riding in the car, I could see her house in the distance, across the train tracks in this one area of the road, right 8CC190FD-A536-4759-839C-DD9A2AE8677Dbefore you go over a hill. I was always alert of my surroundings when going down this main highway because of that, as I would see a light in her kitchen window. To me, that light brought a calmness because I knew she was there. Was she? I do not know for sure but the light helped me to cope in my life at that time. Silly but I did that.

Not having a close relationship with my mother or sisters to help understand matters growing up, I had to listen and observe mostly of those that were around me. Having a light in my lonely childhood full of unanswered questions, helped me.

This week as I write this, I discussed some areas with my counselor and it made sense in part of why abandonment affects me A68EFC12-05E1-4842-8735-994ED36427F6somewhat. While having her as a teacher one year, she was out several times for medical reasons. I missed her, I was concerned about her and could not wait for her to return. The class sang this goofy song a boy wrote when she returned, I remember still to this day, as if it was just last week. Sigh of relief, she was back.

While I do know now that it is normal to feel an attachment to teachers and perhaps boys having a crush, I did not then and never had someone to talk to about this with. Lost in my thoughts of why she was so special. Now knowing, she cared for me and I needed that, if just a smile or a wave, I was somebody to her. I felt special.

As my counselors have discussed this and as I have pondered it more, I realize it was probably a grounding tool for me back then. I did not know that in my young years but I always wondered what was wrong with me to be somewhat obsessed with her. Even that brings shame because of just those thoughts, what is wrong with me.

I was nobody at home but the youngest in the family and just present while everyone around me was busy with their own lives. I just existed. Sadly, I escaped in thoughts of wanting to be just like her when I grew up.

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As children, and as I was a child, we develop coping mechanisms to survive and grow. With her, I learned not just from her class that one year but many years of not being forgotten, shown kindness when we would run into one another and the excitement I felt, like seeing a movie star, in my eyes back then. We are friends today. I know she cares and loves me as I do her. To top it off, she was in my wedding, the date of her birthday (that was not planned, just the calendar year although it was pretty awesome). The Lord truly blessed me to have a good role model, teacher and friend in my life.44A95196-F441-4F3E-A84E-03620C6FDCE9

While she does not live in the same house, I still look over the hill and railroad tracks to see a light on in the kitchen window of the unknown, present owners. The light still brings me a calmness.

In regard to counseling as an adult, I was not aware of the whys and confusion felt keeping it to myself, such as childhood emotional neglect, abandonment, coping mechanisms that came into play, grounding for calmness  and shame present and built because of thinking something was wrong with me.

How sad for a little girl to have all that within. Counseling has paid off for me and I believe that the Lord blessed me with the best counselors to understand some of the whys in my life to unlock the freedom within.

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For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

 

CEN Home

https://psychcentral.com/lib/what-is-emotional-abandonment/

Daughters of Unloving Mothers (P. Streep)

 

 

Don’t Move!

Many years ago, we lived on a street not far from my parents and I loved our cute house, our home for eleven years. The memories of my boys being raised there will always be fond ones.59AF2340-E891-4552-B30C-43D3E15500E0

We had a sweet, older woman across the street that was the best neighbor and friend ever. I remember telling her before I had my second child my fear of not having enough love for another child. My first child was the best thing ever for me. I finally knew with him what love was and felt like by having him. He was mine and I am his, I am his mother, the bond of love was there. My sweet neighbor just said, ‘you will have enough love for this child, too.’ Sure enough, she was right. Now the two of them were mine and I am theirs, their mother and each one loved so much.15207284-63B5-464E-83F2-071B9CDE8F4AYears later, we decided to move. Even though there was excitement, there was also a loss of leaving my neighbor. I knew she hated losing us as I/we hated losing her, the closeness we had as being neighbors. Our move was not far at all, just up the street so basically we were still neighbors but not one of close proximity as before. I told her we would still be close although I realized she knew then what I feel now, we won’t. The relationship and closeness will never be the same. 

Now, my friend that is my walking buddy and I have EC5217E6-A035-4A0D-9750-FE09D15FE958been friends for years, and lives close. Actually, she lives in our old house, which tends to bring joy when I visit, as I can go down memory lane of when we lived there.

EEA427C5-F52F-4E05-9C1A-61D0C45EDF23Just this past week, she informed me that they are moving. While excited for them as we walked and talked about their upcoming plans, days later I found myself sad over this matter. I was now dealing with grief. I am losing yet another person in my life. Of course, they are not moving far away but enough that our walking routine and friendship will never be the same. Knowing just as with my sweet, older neighbor and our move back then, it will not be the same. So I am saddened by this move of my friend.EE4AB162-5F9A-4701-BDCA-9A723A9EC374

Even though, as with other losses in my life, life does go on. There is hope in that saying but yet there is still a sense of sadness, we grieve for what once was and miss them.

In all honesty, I found myself upset and asking, ‘Lord, why FB2FEDA6-40B7-4650-AF62-BE161EDAF270are you taking another person from my life?’ I had a little pity party but I know it is Him that I go to, lean on and love. He will NEVER leave me.

I have realized certain people come into our lives at the time we need them and no doubt they need us, having faith that the Lord allowed our paths to cross. He is good like that.C2FA78BD-45FD-4695-A72E-921BC7F0CD8A

In my years with those that did cross my path and a relationship was built, it may be years later when we see each other again. Still there is a friendly-relationship bond that is still present and we pick up where we left off but not on an everyday occasion, it could be years until we meet again. Those relationships, I do enjoy because I feel the Lord allowed them at the right time, right place.  Blessings!779A0739-FECF-4505-8C7F-8EEB9898D27C

Now my dear friend, walking buddy is moving soon. As we get closer to springtime, my daily walks will not be the same without her. Although, we will both walk forward, both of us knowing the Lord is doing a work in each of our lives and there is excitement in the air. As the seasons change, so do relationships and that is not necessarily a bad thing.

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“Not everything is supposed to become something beautiful and long-lasting. Sometimes people come into your life to show you what is right and what is wrong, to show you who you can be, to teach you to love yourself, to make you feel better for a little while, or to just be someone to walk with at night and spill your life to. Not everyone is going to stay forever, and we still have to keep on going and thank them for what they’ve given us.” —Emery Allen

3 Ways to Tell if They Are In Your Life For a Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime

Little by Little

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Little by little the thoughts of you are slipping away unsure if it really matters, as I sometimes wipe my tears away.

You were there but now you are gone, while I do understand life goes on.B20AFD0D-E8E6-43A2-9967-844EDFEFCEB4

The journey of life takes many turns, and I am happy to say that I have learned.

Each day holds something new but my remembrance brings me back to you.

2354E5BF-54E8-4404-BF59-CE7A246ED04EHow can I forget what you have done, as it was you that made me to believe in who I am.

So many thoughts and words to say but the way it ended there was no way.

I think you would be proud of me of what I have done, I sometimes wish I could share.

Am I ever a thought in the mind of yours, perhaps wondering if I am doing okay?

I am trying so hard to move on, but I still get hung up with the lack of closure we had.F0A28DBD-4DB9-42DE-9D82-B36A5C3632C9

Thoughts of gratitude most often I have, but still I have bouts of anger that appear.

No matter whether I am a thought or not, I am so thankful from the bottom my heart.

I would not be where I am today had it not been for you, and I know that was all in the Lord’s plan.

So little by little I will go about my days, knowing my questions of why and my hurt will go away.39EAE351-D11A-4164-B39F-623D41901EF3

I wish you well as I try to let go but knowing you will always be a part of my testimony.

I will keep moving forward and enjoy each day, knowing my days ahead will lead to joy.

You may never read this and that is okay, it is just my way of letting go, little by little, day by day.

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In my previous writings, I have mentioned my counselor, now former counselor. I had been with her for four years, weekly if not twice, and to count it all up, that is a lot of time together. Besides the Lord, she knew me quite well, more than my family and friends, actually better than I knew myself. The closing of her counseling services was like a death to me, so I still grieve. No matter, I am always thankful for her. 

 

 

A Thanksgiving Production

DF277E5B-F9B8-42AF-9532-9C1260DA1F91It’s about time! Time for family and friends to gather at my home and I am sure yours also or the home you are hopefully going to and celebrate Thanksgiving.

As I was getting my last-minute items, I was thinking while driving home that this is like getting ready for a production. The spotlight is on me, my home, my food, my welcoming each one that comes through the door. There was a slight panic but I have no time to panic, as I must continue on and keep my thoughts together and get everything done.  Somehow, someway, it always falls together.

Well, almost everything. I have learned through the years that if it is not perfect, it is okay. It does not need to be A73AB2C1-2C78-4EE2-9DD7-89399A60B732perfect, I do not have to expect perfection out of myself. What a relief. Actually, I forgot salad dressing. Before, I would stress and push myself to go get, adding onto my to-do list. This time, I contacted my daughter-in-law asking her to take care of this for me. My goodness have I changed, counseling has definitely paid off. For that, I am thankful. It’s okay to ask for help.

This time tomorrow night, everyone will probably be gone and another Thanksgiving is over. It is not worth being stressed although there are moments, of course, but to be in the moment and enjoy those present, that is what I want and need to do.  We all do!

Take time to enjoy and the others will also. My saying always is to make yourself at home. I hope they all feel welcome to help themselves and I think they do.

May the ones that walk through my door, feel the love and joy being thankful for all that we each have, as we are blessed. May the Love of God and His Peace cover each one that they know Him, to place C26128AA-8021-4D13-AA1D-56E2CC00CCBBChristians in their pathway to lead them and help where perhaps I can’t; put Angels all around each one as they leave and protect them. That would be my simple but heartfelt prayer.

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🍂 Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family/friends. 🍂

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Blank Slate

094827C6-CEF1-459D-BB49-F12084B966A2Recently, I was with friends at a large event. I had a counseling session beforehand, and I was telling her about going that evening, of my anxiousness and some background tidbits. I remembered and told her that the speaker that night at the event, was a former pastor of a local church. When I visited the church years ago, never meeting him before, he came over to me and prayed but then he said that my life is like a blank slate (canvas). What did that mean? I believed it was good as I was on a new journey to find me again.  It had to be good — a prayer and a comment like that and in church, right?19076668-1828-4EF5-A4E5-E01BC46F49AE

For years, I have tossed that around, questioning.  Did that mean that my thoughts all through the years, that I am a nobody, after all was correct? I’m blank. Nothing going on upstairs, I am stupid? Trust me, the thoughts and ideas popped in my head of both positive and negative, always causing doubt in myself, others and everything.

When I mentioned this to my counselor and to keep a positive spin of his comment, I just felt like I was able to EE8E6DF9-D8C1-4616-8AAC-CD40DD355636find me and make the life that I want and desire. This is a good thing. At the time he said what he did, it was the beginning of my counseling sessions with my former counselor, now five years ago. I was and I am still trying to find me, my self-esteem that was lost, the confidence forgotten and voice that was silenced. It felt good to know that the blank slate back then is now starting to show some life and happiness.

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Back then, too, years before counseling, I was at a point of deep despair, hopelessness and just existing in life. I knew I had to reach out for help and did so by going to a Christian Counselor, one that I felt I was led to by God, after many months of prayer and research.  I did not just Google search for the first counselor that popped up in my area, I did my due diligence. My desire to get back into church became alive again. To attend s5C93847D-0D96-441E-9E4F-EE82F1C5DFE5mall groups with church bible studies and to be more sociable was a joy, as for years I avoided crowds, people for that matter.  While it was not always easy, I did it in small steps. Plus, I was determined to fight through the rough, emotional  sessions of counseling, many times wanting to quit but I would always go back the next week, knowing deep down that this was God’s Will in my life. I had to fight through many times and still, as the enemy wants to kill, steal and destroy.  I don’t think she would let me quit anyway, thankfully.

3428D1C1-2DD8-4527-9703-D97A5064AC4DToday, as I look back and questioned the comment that I am a blank slate, I do see it as a positive and the lines on the canvas are connecting, as there is joy exhibited and felt within and the color of beauty being expressed in and around me. Hopefully, in my writings, the creative side I lost, too. I am enjoying where I am at this point in my life, because I feel alive. I want more.  There is only One that make this all fall together and give me more, the desires of my heart, as I look to Him.

Whats on your canvas?  No matter what you may be going through, you can make changes, too. The Lord wants to hear us call on Him and praise Him in the small and big areas within our lives. Trust Him.8898D424-04F7-4F73-8907-4FE71DA6A60D

Eleanor Roosevelt writes, “With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts.” Each new day gives you a clean slate, a new start, new available strength, more grace (because His grace never runs out), and abundant love and hope. 

https://www.jubileeonlinechurch.org/build-on-your-clean-slate/

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Dance One Day

9E389AF7-9E70-4462-9426-FBBA448640D9One day I will dance.  The joy within one day will show, as I step out and be free.  No burdens or disappointments will hinder me, or what others think. It’s been a long time coming, as once before when I danced for the Lord.

I know when this happens, it is not me but the sweet Lord, blessing me.  He knows my heart and He knows name and with Him, there is no shame. I will praise Him.

Oh Lord, touch me and let me see and feel your spirit upon me.  There is no other like you.  You love me and I thank you.

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Fire in my Hands

It was in my early twenties, attending a local church, being somewhat taken under Millie’s wing to teach me and mentor me, we became like a dynamic duo.  I was more confident in myself as a now adult and being a Christian.

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Millie led a class called, Discovering Your Spiritual Gifts, relating to what our spiritual gifts are, an 8-week class, I believe. I just remembered this tonight and still the excitement floods my mind.   When she was out of town, I would lead the class and no intimidation or fear was there.  I did it.  I forgot the joy. 055B49EB-BA84-45A6-AFEE-62456C25305A

On several occasions, we would travel to different locations to attend conferences.  The first one was unforgettable and life changing.  It was at this time, a desire to write a book became alive in me.  Since, it has always been on my mind.

Millie moved away due to her job and I moved to another church and got involved there. Life changes and while some things halted, other things moved forward. Life.

A lot has happened between my early twenties and now, almost sixty years old.  Still, my mind is always thinking and writing whether I do write a book or not.  This blog has helped me this past year to open up and share. Thank you for reading.

D5D95F50-E590-46A1-9184-2BAD57550D3FAs for a book, doesn’t everyone want to write a book?  Why would anyone want to read mine?  Questions I keep repeating all of these years.  Who knows but God.

About two weeks ago though, I had something interesting A24BEBD7-5675-47B8-8BE9-A1AFCFA7409Ehappen.  I am at yet another ladies conference.  I am standing by myself with my hands lifted up in front of me, palms up and looking at them, praying.  Lord, if it is meant for me to write, let fire of your anointing flow through my fingers as I type.  A simple prayer and I moved on enjoying the service.

At the end, during the altar call, I stood.  A lady behind me and to my left side tapped me on my shoulder asking if she could pray for me.  Sure.  With that she grabbed another lady for prayer, too.  The three of us, hands held, and she prayed.  There was a hesitation, she stopped and asked me if I was a teacher. No, I am not.  Again she asked, are you sure?  I’m sure.  Now I began to wonder where this was going.  I mentioned my office work and that I write, I love to write.  Again, she stopped, looked at me and said, ‘You do know that a writer is a teacher and a teacher is a writer.’  No, I did not, never gave it a thought.  Other things were said, too.  It was then the third lady holding my right hand in 1B8E3F64-2FDE-4D71-87E1-E321B276776Cprayer, she also took my left hand, holding them both up and said, ‘I see fire coming from your hands.’  Now being still, taking this all in, it was like wait a minute.  I am thinking, Lord, I know she did not hear me pray, my prayer earlier.  Then she said to me, ‘You are like a Wonder Woman.’  Then I stopped and no doubt my mouth dropped open.  I know neither of these women knew me but with the prayer, prophetic word, the fire in my hands and Wonder Woman being mentioned, I knew God was in the midst.  Plus, I had just wrote about Wonder Woman that week, and I said that I was Wonder Woman.  (The blog is called 002969B5-4848-4AB9-A8FD-C6C3EEEC1304Kryptonite.)

Talk about a WOW moment, my faith was sky high and there was a laughter within me. Still. Not of disbelief with the laughter but of amazement because only the Lord could have pulled that off through these ladies that I have never met before and He used them.

I do not know what the future holds, if there will be a book although I have the title ready, or how this will come about, etc.  One thing I do know is that the Lord will open the doors if so and will be glorified from the beginning to the end.90EED108-0511-49E3-8AF2-FA826494C5EC

I have to trust He has placed a spiritual gift(s) within me years ago.  To just now remember that time and the class, and teaching it, I am amazed.  It’s like, Lord, just what are you doing?  In all those years, I had to walk through some dark places to be where I am.  What I do know, too, is that He knows where I am today and He knows where I am going.

Same with you.  You have a story, a testimony and gifts to help another and many others, to give hope. Trust Him.

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