Digging Deeper

There are things in life that you may know what you want to do, from education, employment, marriage, family, etc., but also personal desires such as painting, yoga, teach a class or whatever and possibly even writing a book, which is where I am.

All through my life, even from a young girl, I made notes, kept copies of letters I sent out, always writing down book titles along with the name of the book, to jog my memory of a place and time. I did this for the reason that I might need them one day. Now why would I do that without a purpose? I have often wondered if the Lord was preparing me then for now.

Many times my notes and journals through the years kept my sanity, as I questioned myself, did this really happen. As I spoke to my counselor of various situations, I could refer back and read my writings, almost to the point of feeling very emotional, the anger to rise up and wonder how I survived those years. This was my life.

Questioning myself as I write my blog with thoughts of who would want to read my writings. I have tried different ways to write and grow in this area through the years to where I am today, writing here. Just me and sharing a part of me that majority of my friends and family do not even know. Blogs are usually short and limited information but in each one, they are a piece of a puzzle to me and for me to possibly connect with others of same or similar instances, thoughts and feelings.

Last year I made a weekend trip to my hideaway up North. Just me. I needed to make some decisions plus get out of the four walls where I feel stuck.  Unbeknownst to me, a Christian writing conference was advertised on Facebook. No mistake, I was to see this. I signed up, paid and spent many hours over the few days, taking notes and learning how to start, consider, piece all my notes together, etc. A private workshop for me.

I am one that needs organization to get my thoughts together and that is okay. Recently, I ordered a plastic storage bin for colored hanging files to departmentalize everything. The colored files were for me, the colors are pretty. I was all excited to have these items arrive so I could start immediately. Why hadn’t I thought of this early on?

Now I had everything to get started but I could not do anymore than place my colorful hanging files in the clear, plastic storage bin to admire. I have a tendency to procrastinate with one excuse after another, and I did so. The desire was there but there was a dread of digging through all of the notes and memories. Fear of going back through some dark days with depression lurking and eager to choke life out me yet again. I knew this digging would cause some emotions within me that I would rather keep stuffed down, as my former counselor would say that I did. True. I knew I would have all sorts of emotions come up but it was the anger within that scared me.

Just as in a session several weeks ago, my present counselor and I discussed a situation I faced twenty years ago maybe. I have mentioned this before in a session with my former counselor but this time, it affected me. I could not stop the tears and I had anger for days, with my husband the father of our boys, which did in fact scare me. I avoided any and all situations with him, as I was angry. This was something I needed to deal with, within me, as he could care less, not remember what happened and what good would it do really, except make me look like a crazy person. My notes, prove otherwise.

So now, I had to go dig through my notes and read about the incident that caused this emotional outburst, questioning my own mental state. Did this actually happen? Was it a movie that I perhaps viewed? No, it was in real time, in my life.  With this, now I am digging deeper in my years of old notes, filing them by years. I can only do this a bit here and there, and that was in just reading the date and maybe a glance of my notes. Enough to remember what was happening and caused a lot or turmoil within. I had to and still take breaks from this digging in order to process, sometimes days or a week or so.

To even consider a book, of course, the thoughts of who do I think I am. Nobody wants to read my book, I have nothing to say, I am a fool and you know how the negativity comes. In return, to counteract the negativity, then it is just for me and my healing. Knowing, too, there are others that can relate to my story and perhaps provide hope when there is none.

As I was taught in counseling, turn the negative thoughts around, which I am trying to do more so. Why would I have made and kept all of these notes in my possession, if not for a purpose. All through the years, my fear was of a house fire to lose it all but they are all safe today. The iCloud holds a lot of my thoughts in notes and pictures now to do the same. Technology is wonderful. Like the old saying, ‘your head is in the clouds,’ well, actually it is.

Just this past year, I was standing in church holding my hands in front of me praying, Lord put a fire in my hands of your anointing, if I am to write. Nobody knew what I prayed, as I stood there alone. Soon after, two ladies prayed for me, as I wrote in a previous blog. It was when the woman grabbed my hands and said they were like fire of the anointing. How could that not be God? 

Several months ago. I was messaging my sister and sent her a picture of my Crepe Myrtle bush I had bought with her back in late 2018 or early 2019, when visiting. I came home, planted it where I could see it from my bedroom window. After the winter months, it was just a twig. It must have died I thought and I was so disappointed. 31F53C4F-A54B-49C3-B982-0C2E84098C07

As I was messaging my sister about the twig and how I thought it was dead, I even told my husband back in April to just mow over it, it’s dead. Hopelessness. 

Here is my bush that is growing, just from that twig, in April, 2020. I am so excited and this gives me hope and joy within. It is twice as big today.

This is just like life and of our gifts and talents. We think they are nothing and dead. Not good for nothing. Give up.  BUT GOD…. I joked with her that I was going to preach the next day at church. I realized I was preaching to myself.

Even if no book comes from digging deeper in my storage of many notes through the years, perhaps the Lord just wants me to dig deeper within for healing of many hurts, pain and trauma. There is a purpose. One day I will know, but I have to trust Him. For now, I am but a twig.

 

https://writingforyourlife.com/why-does-god-want-me-to-write/

Be Still

E9644B59-E9AC-4FB1-B1C0-D28663BAD559In several of my writings, I have shared of my youngest son. This will be no different.

I love being a mom but my heart hurts so much for him and I try not to worry. I do though. Surely this is a normal response of a mother.

A grown son but will always be my sweet boy even though he is 6’3”.  He has been through so much and some brought on by his own error of ways, but he has made it through not borrowing money or giving up. I know at times he has felt like quitting and hopeless but that would be a normal reaction but thankfully he kept pushing through. I am proud of him but I know after so much of the push and pull, it can take its toll. Depression lingers over him like a dark cloud. Even that makes my heart to hurt.p for him. 1EC95CE4-CEA1-43EB-8C13-4B1BC0E8D2AE

As his mom, I try to remember my own youth and how it was. He is a lot like me, independent and stubborn. Actually, not a bad thing as determination keeps you moving forward. It’s hard though, sometimes lonely.

Keeping a balance of staying in touch with him of knowing I care and I am here for him but not being intrusive. I have made it known that I respect his independence and privacy so I hold off asking the many questions within my mind or enabling him. A balancing act that seems to get heavy on my end and off kilter.

This whole pandemic has made a mess for many, him included.  March unemployment has yet to be approved. Many are losing everything and begging for assistance. Even with that, I am unsure where he is financially. It is none of my business. I know he knows we are here and will help with necessities but is he too proud to ask I wonder or is a credit card(s) being maxed, which makes me cringe.

Now I know the Lord needs my help, right? I am his mother so I need to be right in there in the middle and help to make sure He takes care of my son. I know I can help Him. (Insert eye rolls)

65BF5D1E-8341-4295-ABB5-D4F4C1D4E519It is so hard to give up control and allow the Lord to handle this situation. I know I have had to in the past, now today and will all of the tomorrows. I don’t know what to do, but that.

There is not a day that goes by and sometimes hours when I am not praying for my son. So many prayers but especially, Lord, wrap your loving arms around him and keep him close. You know him better than I do as his mother.

This past week, when driving home from work, I stopped and went through a drive-thru for supper. A message that I was listening to was to Be Still and know that I am God. I had time to listen to enough of this message to touch my heart and give me a peace of what I need to do, which was to Be Still.

If I am doing all the worrying and trying to help God do His job, I am not at peace, losing my joy and holding up what He needs to do. Basically, get out of the way mom, sit down and Be Still. Well, by the time I pulled up to place my order, I am crying and trying to clear up the tears. I wondered  later what the girl taking my order possibly thought, perhaps this old lady is quite emotional over a chicken sandwich.

I knew this message was for me, and for my son. When I got home, I sat down and opened up my Bible to dig a little deeper into this verse as it was so heavy on my heart, as was my son. Be Still.

Just a little bit later, while flipping through some Facebook posts, I was on a page of a lady I know from church, reading her posts.  About the fifth post down, guess what it was? Be Still.

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Lord, I get it. I am to Be Still.

I have rehearsed those words and this verse over and over for days. Tonight, the struggle is real as I picked up the worry but I know what I must do and that is to Be Still

You don’t know me and you don’t know my son, except through my writings, but if you would be so kind to pray for him, I would appreciate. Thank You!

Be Still … and know that I am God.

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https://www.victoryacademyforboys.org/parent-point/a-note-from-god-to-the-parent-of-a-struggling-son