Fire in my Hands

It was in my early twenties, attending a local church, being somewhat taken under Millie’s wing to teach me and mentor me, we became like a dynamic duo.  I was more confident in myself as a now adult and being a Christian.

Parcel wrapped in mottled brown paper with coarse rope and buff tag

Millie led a class called, Discovering Your Spiritual Gifts, relating to what our spiritual gifts are, an 8-week class, I believe. I just remembered this tonight and still the excitement floods my mind.   When she was out of town, I would lead the class and no intimidation or fear was there.  I did it.  I forgot the joy. 055B49EB-BA84-45A6-AFEE-62456C25305A

On several occasions, we would travel to different locations to attend conferences.  The first one was unforgettable and life changing.  It was at this time, a desire to write a book became alive in me.  Since, it has always been on my mind.

Millie moved away due to her job and I moved to another church and got involved there. Life changes and while some things halted, other things moved forward. Life.

A lot has happened between my early twenties and now, almost sixty years old.  Still, my mind is always thinking and writing whether I do write a book or not.  This blog has helped me this past year to open up and share. Thank you for reading.

D5D95F50-E590-46A1-9184-2BAD57550D3FAs for a book, doesn’t everyone want to write a book?  Why would anyone want to read mine?  Questions I keep repeating all of these years.  Who knows but God.

About two weeks ago though, I had something interesting A24BEBD7-5675-47B8-8BE9-A1AFCFA7409Ehappen.  I am at yet another ladies conference.  I am standing by myself with my hands lifted up in front of me, palms up and looking at them, praying.  Lord, if it is meant for me to write, let fire of your anointing flow through my fingers as I type.  A simple prayer and I moved on enjoying the service.

At the end, during the altar call, I stood.  A lady behind me and to my left side tapped me on my shoulder asking if she could pray for me.  Sure.  With that she grabbed another lady for prayer, too.  The three of us, hands held, and she prayed.  There was a hesitation, she stopped and asked me if I was a teacher. No, I am not.  Again she asked, are you sure?  I’m sure.  Now I began to wonder where this was going.  I mentioned my office work and that I write, I love to write.  Again, she stopped, looked at me and said, ‘You do know that a writer is a teacher and a teacher is a writer.’  No, I did not, never gave it a thought.  Other things were said, too.  It was then the third lady holding my right hand in 1B8E3F64-2FDE-4D71-87E1-E321B276776Cprayer, she also took my left hand, holding them both up and said, ‘I see fire coming from your hands.’  Now being still, taking this all in, it was like wait a minute.  I am thinking, Lord, I know she did not hear me pray, my prayer earlier.  Then she said to me, ‘You are like a Wonder Woman.’  Then I stopped and no doubt my mouth dropped open.  I know neither of these women knew me but with the prayer, prophetic word, the fire in my hands and Wonder Woman being mentioned, I knew God was in the midst.  Plus, I had just wrote about Wonder Woman that week, and I said that I was Wonder Woman.  (The blog is called 002969B5-4848-4AB9-A8FD-C6C3EEEC1304Kryptonite.)

Talk about a WOW moment, my faith was sky high and there was a laughter within me. Still. Not of disbelief with the laughter but of amazement because only the Lord could have pulled that off through these ladies that I have never met before and He used them.

I do not know what the future holds, if there will be a book although I have the title ready, or how this will come about, etc.  One thing I do know is that the Lord will open the doors if so and will be glorified from the beginning to the end.90EED108-0511-49E3-8AF2-FA826494C5EC

I have to trust He has placed a spiritual gift(s) within me years ago.  To just now remember that time and the class, and teaching it, I am amazed.  It’s like, Lord, just what are you doing?  In all those years, I had to walk through some dark places to be where I am.  What I do know, too, is that He knows where I am today and He knows where I am going.

Same with you.  You have a story, a testimony and gifts to help another and many others, to give hope. Trust Him.

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Did I Hear You Right?

D2300766-D046-4D4D-9397-E890752A4E3AThis morning as I was walking with my walking buddy, we discussed how when we did not have two nickels to rub together, as they say, when young and starting out on our own, that someone helped us.  Today, we have not forgotten the person or their kindness, not to mention the expense.  Paying forward now is what we do and hopefully the trend continues.

It was nice to think of that this morning and remember the rough periods but also that my Christian walk and my prayer life developed in those times.

I was in my early twenties and living at home with my FADC724E-F7D5-49B9-91F7-D3380F3717C8parents still, which was fine then.  Our telephone rang, I answered and it was a lady we know stating her rental house was available.  Great, I’ll tell my bother and sister-in-law was my thought.  As I walked up to the finished attic that served as my living room and bedroom, I kept hearing, ‘It’s for you.’  Each time, it was if I could turn around and see somebody standing and saying ‘It’s for you.’  A little spooky.  Those words would not leave.

1777A712-8114-4C68-A8EC-8558DC3B8D68Okay, fine! I called the lady back and inquired about the small, shotgun-type house and, of course, her husband had the time to show it to me right then. So, I went to look at it.  I picked it apart in my mind of what it needed, did not have and built my case to show the Lord it was not for me. No doubt, He knew I would try to prove Him wrong.

The biggest things were that there were no appliances (stove, refrigerator, washer/dryer).  Nope, not for me.  The old, ugly disgusting carpet was beyond my comprehension of dealing with. Nope, nasty.

It was that same week, my brother and sister-in-law moved to a new place, not this house.  I come home and the garage door was open and my mother, a clean freak, was cleaning a stove and refrigerator to store away until needed. Of course, my mouth dropped and as told her what had just happened.  It’s for me.

Everything lined up that I needed to start housekeeping.991C4B29-1B9C-460C-AF91-8E0B99285539

As for the carpet, my aging neighbor had new carpet put in that week, too, and had the old brought down to our garage for me.  Not knowing what was happening but because years before, I told her I like it.  The garage filled up with everything I needed with no effort, but cleaning and moving.

This little house was mine to rent for a small amount and the owners paid for paint, new locks, etc., and another room of carpet because they knew it was for me and I would take care of it.  It’s for me!  I loved that little house and lived there seven years.  I grew up spiritually in that house and learned to trust the Lord and my faith flourished.

Listen for His Voice.  Trust the Lord and He will do exceedingly, abundantly all things. Remember what He has done for you.  What an Awesome God we have.

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Fear Upon Me

Fear.  Nothing new to me.

Faith.  Nothing new to me either.

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It’s distinguishing them is the trick sometimes.  Thankfully, I am full aware of the feelings both bring.  Fear brings chaos within me and faith is peaceful. I try to rein in those when I have a decision to make or situation before me.  Easy enough, it seems.

BE819327-CB9F-4226-877C-707DF6EBDAEBToday, I had read about a pastor that committed suicide and the focus was on the anti-depressant drugs.   How sad.  Then my mind went to my son who was prescribed anti-depressant medication this past month.  He is doing great so I have faith that this was a good turnaround for him but then reading this post, fear immediately went into action.

I also thought of a friend and her husband committed suicide and there, too, there was anti-depressant medication involved.  My head was swirling with fear and questions and unable to do a thing, as my son is of age to make his own decisions.

50FF3085-BE03-4342-8C23-FD9E726A6A25Oh how I miss the Tonka truck days and dirt tracked in the house, a house full of their friends and feeling like a short-order cook.  I have no control.  I have no say.

I do know he is doing better and it has been great to have my happy, talkative son again.  I missed him.  I do believe medication is good and in his case, a definite.  It’s the ‘what if’ questions and fear that I have to fight against in my own life for him.  The meds are helping (faith) but what if he contemplates suicide from them (fear).

Working through my fears and thoughts as I am mopping the floor feeling stressed, it was when I prayed.  Lord, I have no control.  You know all about my son, you have your hand upon him and always have had.  You know his counselor and the doctor prescribing this drug to him  Please protect him.  I have to give him to You yet again.  Peace came.

How many mothers (parents) deal with this or similar all the time, day after day?  I have to trust and put my faith in the Lord.  I have to basically do the same with my son, as he is grown.  He has to make choices and hopefully wise decisions.    CC208DCD-8735-4E46-84C0-A7A1E99C81BA

What I can do is continue to pray for and encourage my son, which I do.

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Perhaps you have dealt with the same or similar, and still.   It’s not easy.  Perhaps you have dealt with or know someone that suicide took a life.  Devastating.  All I know is to trust the Lord and in that, too, anger might be present.  It’s normal.  Perhaps not what you wanted or expected with your child’s life or whatever situation you may be facing.

Many years ago, I had a situation, and I was angry and with God.  It was when I confessed and screamed that out to Him, while I thought it was crude, I also grew in my faith.  Seriously, He knows we or that I was angry anyway, so I might as well confess it.  Life can give us some hurdles but it is trusting Him through them.

Being a parent is not always an easy task, no matter what age but it is the most rewarding.

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When You’re Angry at God

Just Forget Me

As I drove home from work the other day, thinking and praying, I was praying about a matter in my own life. As I went around the bend in the road, I started praying for my son. While he is getting through some issues, my heart remains heavy for him. I am his mother so he has my full heart.687B8AD4-B9DF-430E-9EDC-1B2EDA59250A

In my car I tend to pray a lot as I drive, tears flow and I feel the Spirit of God fall on me.  Now don’t tell anyone, but I tend to sing well in my car, too. I am sure many do the same as I do. Right? It’s me and the Lord. So many times through the years and had it not been for those driving moments, I may not be here. He heard my cries, saw my tears and He never left me.

As I was starting to pray for my son, I just stopped and said, ‘Lord just forget me right now, don’t take up your time with me, as I will make it through but please put Your Mighty Hand upon my child and help him.’  In just a sweet moment after saying that request, the words ‘I will not forget you’ rushed through my mind, my spirit.  I smiled. I questioned, as that was me, which is normal but that is exactly how caring He is. Confidence in knowing He will not forget me.0FBA556F-ACD2-40CD-9E73-5B963F592813

Through the years, too many times, those sweet moments carried me through and my faith increased.

Perhaps you are going through something right now that seems impossible or overwhelming or for a loved one, like me.  Please know that the Lord sees you, hears you, knows your heart and sees your tears. Trust Him and allow His Peace to flow through you.

 

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Despondent

How do you reach out when someone won’t let you reach in to help them?

I don’t know. I am a loss of how to do this with my own independent, grown child. I know there is something going on for him to be so distant. Breaking down the wall is like hell. I have tried to encourage him, expressed my concerns, hug him, pray for him and that is ongoing. The spiritual warfare in his life that I believe is happening, too, is pushing me in emotional bouts many times and fear that I have to constantly fight off and rebuke.3946f751-ac17-4c3c-912b-e2fc8617dc1c-580-0000001b98a7d097

Knowing full well that he is so much like me, I find myself angry at myself.  I understand the wall and isolation.  I know what it is like to be despondent while I work out issues.  I know what it is like to feel overwhelmed.  I do understand him and this is not a very easy or comfortable place to be.  Thankfully, I know I have to turn it over and ask the Lord to help me but does he?  I can pray and comment of just that but until he is ready to do that, the struggle remains.

As a mom, we will fight through hell and high water for our child(ren), taking a toil on us but that is a mother. Still the thoughts come that we are not doing enough and guilt is thrown in our face of not doing enough, have being a good enough mother and every other negative accusation possible. That is definitely the enemy at work. Bind and rebuke. Although it gets tiring, we must fight and push through.  Keep pushing through mama! While writing this to maybe encourage others, reminding myself, too.

I am unsure what all my son is dealing with but it must be a mountain to him. I feel it. I hurt for him. Knowing he can get through this, I wait. My faith and trust in the Lord to do what He must do in this situation, I wait.

I will reach out but my son has a choice to reach back out to me. He has a choice to seek the Lord and call upon Him.

I can nag, point my finger, show my Bible and demand church attendance but that would even push me away, even now as an adult but I can pray. I can and I do, sometimes begging the Lord to change the circumstances, as something is wrong.

Independence in life is needed and normal and I know he knows I am always here for him, his biggest cheerleader. The balance of enough to not enough contact is tricky, as I do not want him to feel forgotten, far from that.

As long as I can remain in peace feeling that the Lord has this, I am good but continue to pray. Always. When the enemy starts his game plan, I get in there and I fight. This spiritual warfare is on. I am not letting go of my son, my child.

Parenting is a blessing but can be so hard. It does not end at the legal age of eighteen but a lifetime of care, concern and prayers.

3738cb1a-bf6c-4bc1-a047-a65b0fd4a10d-580-0000001af60e7147Pray for God’s hedge of protection around them, their jobs, finances, friendships, etc., daily, wisdom, knowledge and the Favor of God to be upon them.

Do they know just how much we love them? A reminder that we need to remember how much God loves each one of us. ❤️

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The Battle

89147F07-4824-4232-9126-8B1356ECBF98I feel the battle is on. A spiritual warfare that a mother will fight for her son (children), in my case a grown son, at that. My gut instinct for weeks proved right when an unexpected visit from me after much avoidance. My determination was to knock and stay at his door until he came home, opened the door or possibly call the police if need be.  Fear overwhelmed me for days, not knowing if I would find my son alive or dead, especially that night. Not what a mother needs to consider but was a possibility.

To finally have the door open after hesitation on his part, I was lost in emotion as I hugged him.  A mothers heart will do that, fall apart from happiness and even anger. As I sat next to him, saying what I felt, he promised to stay in touch but day after day, his word failed yet again.  As I sat next to him, he did not hesitate to lay his head on my shoulder.  He needed his mom just as much.  As we sat there talking, he shared just enough with me of what was he was dealing with due to pride and independence.

315095BC-9F72-4024-8A48-CD9E920035EBI just have to pray as tears flow still, fight the worry and thoughts that pop in my mind, as I try to trust the Lord fully.  But, Lord, PLEASE!

As a mother, we have to cut the apron stings, which is normal and with mileage in between our homes, that was necessary. He is grown but he is still my boy.  It is probably a good thing with the distance but it feels as though he is a million miles away.  We each have our own life of work, commitments, etc., to tend to so I cannot helicopter parent him.  Of course, that is not normal.   I have to keep my faith in God.  So hard to do at times.

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Being a parent is such a blessing, all ages, but so hard at times.  God wants each of us to look to Him. Perhaps that is where we are in this matter, my son has to make a choice.

5F96671E-FD72-43F9-9232-BDCB2FD7134COf what I know with what is before him, he has to work through this.  I cannot do it for him.  We had a rough patch a few years back and he did get through it and learned a valuable lesson in the process.  That’s life and how it should be, and I was so proud of him.  I’m always proud but the anguish is overriding.  We are at the crossroads again, I feel.

Faith ▪️ Hope ▪️ Love

 

Heart Pangs

 

3B1CA3BD-C2A4-479B-ACB2-C1331E04C01AAs a mother, no doubt each of us as a little girl dreamed of being one. The anticipation of dating, kissing, falling in love, marriage and then comes a baby carriage. Bet you are thinking or singing the little ditty of a song that goes along with this dream.

It happens, although sometimes backwards these days, but for the most part in line as it should. I loved being pregnant, well the first three months were a little queasy but then easy sailing as my belly grew and my love developed for this child within each time.

At birth my faith grew as only God could make this beautiful creation be so perfect.

Life takes over with home, caring for parents, another D2871576-F428-4AD6-B19A-6AEA5F5734D2child, school, sports, illnesses, etc.  Then the next is that they are off to college and maybe never to return back home.  Their bedroom sits empty and the noises and smelly socks and shoes are gone, in my case.  Just memories last and pride bursts through of their independence and success.

C4AA06D0-6213-4B53-96F3-DE5D94EC1136No matter how tall they get or where they go in life, this child I carried within and in my arms will always be in my heart.  When they hurt, I hurt.  Letting go to allow life and its lessons bash them is more than a mother can withstand. Is it paybacks of what we did to our mothers perhaps?  Just as a toddler walking, they fall and get back up. Same with an adult child.  Knowing this period brings growth in them, it swallows us up in fear.

8D13C480-35A6-4B25-A290-74F9AE87F54AAs a mother, I know that I can pray for God to cover my child with His protection.  Praying continuously.  To bring Christians in their path to speak hope and life when hearing their mom over and over again, goes in one ear and out the other.  Still, I am the biggest cheerleader in their life and always will be. My love is everlasting.

To know my love is that deep for my child(ren), just imagine and just take it in as to how deep God‘s Love is for us.  💕Amazing!