A Hugless Year

As we are nearing the end of 2020, a year we will never forget, and cannot wait for this all to be over, we cope and keep moving forward.

The holidays are nearing but apprehension is also. Do we meet or don’t we, is the question. Do we have less people or keep it the same and take our chances, is also a question. Trying to buy food and the right amount comes into play, although the grocery store shelves may take care of that decision for us.

I do plan to have just my two sons, daughter-in-law and her parents, that is it. Normally, I would have all of my husband’s family in. While I love them, I am looking forward to a smaller crowd around my table, not tables. I normally would make part of my living room area look like a small cafe with four tables. It works and is nice but so nice not to do, too. Maybe next year. We will take food over to his elderly parents, so they are not in the midst of many. It will all work out and I think everyone understands the circumstances, even though we do not like what is happening.

The holidays are a time of laughter and for me, hugs to and from my sons, especially. I so miss them this year, more than ever. I know that my son and his wife are being very selective due to this virus. I feel my other son is also although he might be enjoying the slower pace of life. He is at the age, that he is busy and the selfish, sad side of me, thinking he is too busy for his mom. I do remember being his age and I was too busy for my parents. Perhaps that old saying, what goes around, comes around. Be Still is my motto. I know that he knows I am here, which was proven in a previous blog, So Far Away.

My oldest son was up last month to drop their dog off for me to watch. Upon arriving and leaving, NO hug. How hard this was for me while trying to keep it together as he pulled out of our driveway to go home, which was emotional. I found myself angry at this virus. I have done so well but this was just so odd to feel as though he was afraid to hug me, protecting me but I also needed to protect him. A blog is floating around in my writings, called, The Bubble.

So I am trying to prepare myself that I will probably not get hugs on Thanksgiving. I said I am trying, that is all I can do. If it was just the chance of hugging and only I would be a risk, then hug me. I will take my chances. Now that we know that nobody is exempt, no matter what age, precaution is warranted. Still, I will try to get through this but knowing I will fall apart when they leave. In that, too, I am preparing for and know that it is okay. I am a mom, moms need hugs.

If this pandemic would have been years earlier, I am unsure how I would have managed. I really don’t think as well as I have, I know so. Thank God in my counseling sessions with my former counselor, we discussed often the need I had for hugs, especially from a few mother figures in my life. While I knew I dealt with this, I never really understood why. Typical thinking of that I did not receive hugs from my mom, that is all. The yearning for the lost love was present within me.

This counselor dug deep within me to pull out the rejection, abandonment and shame, just to name a few. These sessions were not always easy to process but enough that I grasped the whys in my life. To walk in her office for help due to my marriage issues and while we did so, she then stopped and said, “Now let’s deal with you.” I will never forget that day. This was not at all what I was expecting, but she was wise enough to almost see the depths of my soul, it felt like. With no hesitation we continued and in those many, many sessions over the years, layer by layer, she peeled back my hurts. These sessions were not always pleasant.

Abandonment, a major part was exposed. Why did I not know this?To feel abandonment is cruel, almost a torment, screaming quietly, PLEASE DO NOT LEAVE ME, to deaf ears around me. As I sat across from her, so many times, I felt she heard my silent screams but making me say, Please Hug Me. This was so hard but became somewhat easier, as I learned to trust her more. Had it not been for her understanding and hugs at times, I don’t know if I would be capable of handling this year.

While she was not a motherly figure to me, as both of us being around the same age with her younger in fact, but I could project that on her at the times. Project, I believe is the right term. No matter, it was helpful, even though painful to pull up those thoughts, feelings and emotions.

So in doing so, years ago, acknowledging the whys within me of those hugs I desperately needed from many, I no longer yearn for now. It is like an escape from jail. Freedom. Don’t get me wrong, I love hugs and really miss receiving and giving, as we all do probably. Right now, it is frowned upon due to the virus. I’m okay with that, until it comes to my sons. I want to hug my sons. I need their hugs, too.

With less visits, they are busy in life, as I am also, but we are all in a different place in life, and I understand. I cannot help but feel that tug of abandonment. Abandonment, even from my own sons. I know though, I cannot linger in that place of feeling abandoned. I feel it, I acknowledge it and I release it. It throws a heavy punch in my gut but it does not stay. They both know I love them and I know they love me.

Will I hug my boys on Thanksgiving upon arriving or leaving and in between when possible? I don’t know. While my oldest is more precautious, my youngest is a hugger so this might be hard for him and I but we will get through this. Often I wonder if I ran into my former counselor in public, who said we could talk and I could have a hug, if that would even happen now. This virus is the pits. If not, I know and I know that she knows I will have to deal with the gut-punch and the emotions, but mostly that I will get back up and continue in this hugless year.

So how are you dealing with less hugs and less togetherness with friends and family this year?

🍂 Before I forget, Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family. 🍂

Depressed Dreamers

What a week it has been. Well, this month, too. Let’s not forget this whole year. Whew!

This year has been an introvert’s dream and noticed life is good, with less chaos around them. The extrovert is more nervous than previously, not knowing what to do with the down time. I am in the mix but more introvert. I feel there is always something to do, improve, clean, etc., but I also enjoy the downtime, naps and writing. This year, we have all had to adapt.

This week and past month especially, I have heard many mention, of course, the Presidential election. It is in process and soon we will all know the final decision. This blog is not to express my choice of candidate or yours, just the observation I have had and found interesting. Odds are, you have also.

My mom used to say when in such events, and that is somebody will win and somebody will lose. Usually from her, it was in regard to my athletic ability, of which I had none or no interest. Looking at it though in this way, it takes away the pain of being a loser. Here we are with the big boys. One will win and one will lose.

No matter what side in this election, one side will be happy and one side will be sad, angry and depressed; perhaps feel fear over the future. No matter, one will win and one will lose.

In this year of 2020, a time that will go down in history with the Covid19 and the Presidential election, many predictions have been made. I am sure we all have had a thought of predicting ourselves of the outcome, whether spoken or not or that desire of such to come into fruition. Time will tell.

Here is where I find all of this to be of interest. In the months getting closer to November 3rd, I know many that are glued and watch television and listen to those that have had a dream of the outcome or shared their predictions. These are those that have deep faith and hear from God. While I understand faith and have faith, I do believe that God can and does speak to us or felt in our spirit, which I have experienced myself in my own life. I do believe that dreams can be spiritual dreams, too. I do know also that everyone that has a dream can be just that, a dream.

My friend was so convinced that this one man was the real deal and then another and that continued through many Christians that heard from the Lord. I found her to be in confusion and the anxiety building. My advice was to turn off the media. It was her husband that added fire to the chaos between them and tossing which one to believe or all of them.

Now this week, both of them are definitely confused and doubting the prophets. It is not doubting God, it is those wanting to be God. In this, I have heard prophesies and have seen healing before my very eyes. God is not an author of confusion. Those that had dreams and professed how this election would go, but didn’t. I wonder if they are also doubting themselves and also God. It is easy to feel confused and disappointed in man, yourself and God.

My heart is not full of faith. So many prophets have said Trump would win. Did they all miss hearing God?” In this, with her mentioning the many names of those that they listened to and their faith was placed. Her text continues on with many questions and doubts. “I still can’t wrap my mind around what is happening. How did so many highly, reputable prophets miss God?” This is one friend that will dip into a state of depression and feel the doom and gloom and it is the end of the world. How many others will?

This is not only one but many to experience this possible outcome. I may not like it and you may not like it but one thing about it, this is no surprise to God. Many will be shaken. Many will question their own faith, as my friend, and doubt all those that had a dream and predictions, with faith being lifted. Many voices were heard and believed. Could this be where Satan wants Christians, pulling away from their faith? Could this be where we fight the good fight of faith, to remain true to God and His Word even in the face of opposition, oppression and adversity. We each have a choice.

In the end and whatever the final count in this situation with what the election will be, one will win and one will lose.

Our position at that point is to pray for our President. Most importantly, to keep our trust in God.