Listen to Me, Please!

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In one of my favorite Hallmark movies, which is called “Stranded in Paradise,” as the mother and daughter are meeting for A6899343-904E-40DA-B218-2D23BE82AFDFlunch, the mother rants on about how she raised both of her children and working three jobs.

As the daughter endures this yet again, just like a broken record. The daughter had just been fired from her job. There was no use to even talk because the mom would cut her off and did, not listening or picking up on the chaos felt within her daughter. So she squints her eyes and gives a fake smile, thinking just stop and don’t even waste my breath, as her mother was not going to listen or even be positive enough to truly hear.

6F01D4F5-76B5-47CA-99E2-0B7AB9B90657While I watch the squinting eyes and fake smile, as I understand her. In my own life, I just give up, as it is not worth it to offer or make a comment most times, clarify a matter that may pertain to me, give my point of view or just make conversation. Just be quiet, observe and listen, which has been my place in life, childhood through adulthood. I do try to interject at times and actually if I am listened to, I feel shocked and I feel anxiety build within me.  I do better with one-on-one conversations. Sometimes even in that scenario, the same.

I find that when I think or even say whatever or never mind, I am done, I am totally frustrated and will not waste my FEA74E7A-5B29-4FD0-8BF2-5FAF742370ECtime. I was just shown that I am of no importance or what I have to say is the same. While it hurts, I move on.

Usually, I will walk or drive away telling the Lord just how that made me feel. Reminding myself that I am not important and it brings feelings of rejection. It happens.

Thankfully, I don’t let it get me down as much as before but it does trigger that automatic, negative thought process. I recognize and can turn it around and move through the thoughts and feelings. I speak up definitely more than I use to, too. Counseling has paid off.

At other times, I am really infuriated when I am finally getting a chance to talk to someone face to face but interrupted by a third-party and they take over. Hello!? C272967B-018B-41D0-B021-3084764BAB84This happens all the time. This, too brings and reinforces the thought of that I am not important, I am a nobody to either party so I just walk away, hurt. Yes, I tell the Lord about that also. What gives? Am I really nobody, not important?

If I need to speak with someone and they are talking to another, I try my best to back away and wait my turn to talk out of respect for both but often not reciprocated, or I try again later.

When you interrupt someone it says to the person talking that what you have to say is more important than what they are sharing. It shows disregard for the person and what they are saying.”

Am I faultless in this matter, oh no because I have spoken when I should have remained quiet and/or respectful. I catch myself and usually kick myself afterward, going back into a hole of despondency once again. While hating to be in that position, sometimes I feel it is best to remain quiet and just listen. The balance of listening and talking.

The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.” ~Ralph Nichols

Writing this, I have been watching a situation play out for weeks now at my church. My Pastor is walking in my direction, while I am at the Welcome Desk closing up before church service, and he is already speaking to me but this one woman greeter always changes his path in order to have his full attention. The first time, I was 865454E3-6D8E-4325-B498-9FC85A38EC00disappointed, as I would have liked to talk to him, as he was already talking to me. This past weekend, the same, she grabs his arm this time to redirect. I see it happen but now I expect this in and from her. Little does she know, I already have her number from a couple of situations I dealt with years ago, by her. There is an issue but not worth my time, but I can pray for eyes to be open. Sadly, the games people play, even in church. Patiently, I wait, as I have done through the years.

The other day, I was reminded and screaming within, wanting to just leave the dental chair as I tried to explain6B981F3E-3FFA-44B9-ACFC-29EDD12B8331 a couple of issues after my dental surgery, which prompted this writing, as I did not feel listened to. Normally, I am fine with dental or medical procedures. It is hard to talk though when the dentist keeps trying to get his fingers in my mouth. 5E41D691-CAC9-4B5F-A892-DED12B100248Just stop and listen to me, please!

The day I had my dental surgery, he did not believe me when I told him that something was not right with the crown next to the one he was working with, well I was right, to his surprise. Too much pressure from the extraction and the seal broke and now dealing with not just one tooth but two. Once the numbing wore off and days ahead, I was also concerned of even the next tooth due to extreme tenderness, which had my fear of a domino effect. I ain’t got time for this! I felt he was not listening  to me. I went into this appointment knowing I would have his limited time for this post-op visit and my anxiety was high due to pain and if another crown would be jeopardized from the pressure felt.

I think I know enough of dental procedures from experience and end result, it is my mouth and I am the one paying. I think he knew I was over this whole post-op visit and past week. Perhaps even now doubting him now from years of care and honestly, I was.

Please listen to me!

Talking and being misunderstood, always makes me feel stupid. Does it to you? When talking or telling something and being dismissed brings frustration. I have just learned to accept this way of life in myself and in others through the years. Still, I can desire to be heard. We all want to be heard and listened to.Listen to me. Lettering phrase on light background. Design element for poster, card, banner.

I go to counseling and I talk, sometimes ramble but he or she listens, asks questions and seems  interested in me and cares. Plus, to be heard, understood and to understand myself, brings healing. I have learned, too, that I do have a voice, which I lost years ago.

I find it somewhat funny to watch facial expressions, as so many are used to me being quiet. I think they are surprised when I do speak forth. It might be short and sweet or to the point, but I do say something.

Many times through the years in my office, calls or people will come in wanting to talk to me. My co-workers often comment that when this happens, I am requested, although they, too, could answer the questions, etc. I take time and I listen to them, not just re-directing them to another office., etc., which is what makes a difference.

As I have pondered all this, of the please listen to me, I am sure the Lord thinks the same with me or each of us. He wants only the best for us but we often ignore or don’t listen to Him. Still, He does not give up on us, He will keep calling and knocking until we listen. We can run but we can’t hide, as the old saying goes. D654C601-2440-45A1-BF99-8C28B812EC2C

So for Him to give me grace when I have failed and ignored Him and did not listen, I can give grace to those that did not listen to me or take time for me.

In the end, I know He will never leave nor forsake me and He hears me. I don’t have to beg or pay Him to listen to me. Same for you. Trust Him!

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I love the Lord, for he heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy.
Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.

The Bible has many references throughout of hearing and listening. I never realized how much until I started writing. Perhaps He is wanting me to listen to Him and I need to hear Him.

https://www.openbible.info/topics/quick_to_listen_and_slow_to_speak

https://dailyverses.net/listening/kjv

Spinning My Wheels

Have you ever felt busy in life, events keeping you on the run, appointments, working and getting the job done and whatever else that consumes your day and feel like you are getting nowhere? One day turns into the next, just like that. I’m there.ADE379D9-CAF4-437F-8B0C-2380414C4BC4

Many times at my office, my desk is full of files to tend to but one thing or another takes my time, now falling behind with wasted time on meaningless tasks basically. Putting out fires as sometimes put. Exhausting.D13C07E5-801B-4ECF-BB4F-54B72CACF0B5

Things in my life have taken some turns in the last year or so, some I like and some I do not as well. I need to make some decisions and changes, feeling overwhelmed. Now feeling as though I am not going anywhere and at a fork in the road, just spinning my wheels. Again, exhausting. What do I do?

3517C3E4-6AC7-4C1C-A588-79A31FEA41DAWhat will tomorrow, next week, next month or next year look like? You know what? I do not know. None of us know, do we? Life can change in a second. All I know to do and the same with you is to take one day at a time. Years ago, my sister gave me wise advice, which was if one day was too much, take one hour at a time. Honestly, there have been times that I have had to do just that, sometimes a minute at a time.

Making decisions and following through is not easy. Fear can creep in and feeling stuck, afraid to move.

What does the future hold? I don’t know.88034489-C369-4F3C-AFF5-5B0407E7599E

My faith in knowing the Lord will guide and direct my steps is what I must depend upon.

So if you are standing at a fork in the road and feeling an unrest within as to what to do, know you are not alone. Trust Him.

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“You might not know what it is, but there’s something that doesn’t feel right. And most of us stay stuck in the dissatisfaction of where we are because we don’t know what to do with those feelings.“

Do You Feel Stuck, Overwhelmed, and Dissatisfied?

4 things to do when you feel “stuck”

No More, No Less

2F54C02B-FAA9-4FAD-8568-DA90C89304A3As I was driving home on this cold, gloomy day from work, my mind travels, too. Perhaps it was the gloominess  and being tired from work, but I started thinking of someone that I miss. We all have those moments that somebody pops in our minds. While it is good to make contact to hopefully let them know they were thought of or even encourage, in my case I cannot do that. I know not to cross the boundary and put myself F6BE2A5F-F6C0-429A-A17E-1FAE9B932A5Cin a place of emotional pain of possibly not being received and feel rejected. Still, my mind thinks about her, my former counselor. I find myself frustrated with myself because I think of her but feel I have been forgotten by her, and perhaps I have, as our time together is over. Spending my time in sessions with her for four years, once a week, which amounts to at least two-hundred hours, is a lot. While my living grief is better, it is still there. I do miss her, but I believe that is normal.

Being one to always look up to others in my life, either as a role model, such as a teacher, or a motherly image because of not having a loving mother that I needed, today it reminded me that I still do this somewhat and I so want to stop this pattern. Keeping the Lord as my focus is my goal.

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As I continued to drive, thinking, talking and praying, I know those that are as role models, and they are smarter than me. Each one has helped me move forward in life, as she did. With her or others I looked up to by them having a degree and being in their position. They helped me grow and for that, I will be forever grateful. I just tend to think others are better, smarter, prettier, wiser, etc., than me and I pop them up on a pedestal. All the while knowing I have talents and abilities. What does that say about me? It says and I have believed that I am nothing and never will be as good as them. EEBAD1AD-71DE-47B3-94B0-F4397B2AB81D

As I have pondered this, and I have done so many times, knowing I do this, but today I was able to turn my thoughts around of her and missing my time of our counseling sessions. Perhaps, with this being Monday, the day and time period driving was when I always met with her for years, which was one of the reasons. I am still in that appointment-zone mindset, I guess.

It was when I changed my thinking, rewiring my brain, as she mentioned quite often to help me to grasp. I started with tapping safely while driving, which is a pretty neat technique. So I did that, just because, and to change my thoughts. Grief brings sadness and I did not want to go there, I wanted to feel thankful and happy instead. I can do that.

AE5A9E9A-8B6A-4AA1-A0B5-A6385B93B657I started saying, I am worthy, over and over and then adding I am creative, I am smart, and I know the Lord is doing a work in my life. It was when I got to and repeated, God you love her but you also love me, the same… no more or no less.

So, as I tinkered with this blog, pondering the whole situation, it comes down to shame. Shame of feeling not good enough yet again in my life of which she made me aware of back then.C8E932A8-308B-4A60-A153-447CB1B2D578

Understanding ourselves of why we did and do things, brings healing. I/we may not have it all together at times but as they say, together we have it all. We just need to recognize and accept who we are.

Remembering and keeping the ground level for each of us because He loves each one of us as if we are the only one. How cool is that?!?  Trust Him!

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https://innerself.com/content/personal/relationships/8957-falling-off-the-pedestal.html

 

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Non-Deserving

47092C98-819F-4153-B630-1B8876B32648The memories and thoughts that surfaced in a conversation between my counselor and I were some I would have rather forgotten. Still, they are part of my journey and knowing they always will be.  As I squinched my eyes, shaking my head somewhat of trying to remember but not wanting to remember also, all the while. Regrets of those days being young and stupid. Odds are, we all have those remembrances and regrets. Please tell me I am not alone.A1D8FBA5-BD0D-439B-A0AD-69A7007128EA

Some of these thoughts and memories spoken in our conversation were like thirty-five years ago or more. Of course, some were not even touched upon thankfully but my mind did and a dread was felt within at the time in session, afterward on my drive home and as I write.

In those thoughts and the heaped-up guilt and shame made their appearances to me. Guilt and shame love me and would love to swallow me up whole, spit me out and do it again. Satan has a way of making one feel so unworthy and so underserving of God’s Love. The lies thrown at me were like darts to a dartboard for a bit of being a no-good-for nothing person on the face of this earth and I should be ashamed of what I did back then, I am not a Christian as I profess, no wonder my family disliked me and well, you get the picture.

Thankfully, I knew enough of his tactics and how the game goes of making me want to crawl back into the hole of despair and depression. I do have a few years under my belt of this mental torment plus years of counseling in how to counteract the negative, which I did.687D7D8D-7CB6-41AA-9D6F-80E611C2AE14

I am stronger today in all areas, as I chose to be in order to move forward. I was stuck way too long dealing with the belief of the unworthiness. Exactly, where the enemy wants me, and even you.

Yes, I did some things I regret and am sorry I did and hate that I did, but I did. Life! Forgiveness of others involved is important but also forgiving ourselves is a must. We learn from such incidents and situations hopefully and in my case, I did. Not a life I 968A38BB-9BAA-4986-A741-1ECE6AF3D441wanted to live but in those years I learned that it was not really living, it was running. Running from God. I knew better and I knew He had His Hand upon me from childhood. Even though I was not taught of God’s Love at home, apparently the Vacation Bible School teaching each summer stuck with me plus the many Christians in my path to lead and direct me. So thankful and blessed.

We are all non-deserving of God’s Love but He gives it freely. He gave His all, His life for us to live. So in that, I know that I am worthy and I am worthy of His Love, you also. It took me a very long time to accept that deep within.6128B30C-0CE1-478F-BEEC-21B2F393E74F

Yes, the past memories and thoughts that were mentioned caused some turmoil within but it also brought me to a place of praise. I am not there anymore and I have been forgiven. Trust Him.

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“Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.Isaiah 43:18-19.

https://www.guideposts.org/inspiration/inspiring-stories/stories-of-hope/5-bible-verses-to-help-you-let-go-of-past-mistakes

 

 

 

 

Nitrous Glow

Whether you hate or you like it, it is all a personal choice, that is of nitrous oxide at the dentist office.

51D852CC-2E54-4815-BBEE-1BD198F3E152I’m a better patient with it.

This past Tuesday, I had an appointment, one among many in my life, it was my turn to have a much dreaded dental procedure, an implant.  While not my first, I was just not looking forward to the pain ahead of me. I had just had a migraine and head pain was taking its toll on me.

On my mind was, please do not numb me until I am well on my way to a land of I do not care, as much with the nitrous oxide (aka laughing gas).D5B37D56-61F9-466A-9159-3E382D829192

In past appointments, being in this position, my adrenaline has been high at times and the nitrous was not doing what it should, always hearing them suggest breathe deep through your nose. I felt panic although I trusted the dentist ‘my man’ as my co-workers call him, as I was there so often when getting crowns, etc.

So as I was settled in, now numb and feeling at ease somewhat, I was determined to breathe more abdominally as my counselor taught me in order to relax. I wanted the max of this nitrous today, it had been a rough week, and it was only Tuesday.  I don’t drink, I don’t do drugs but I like my nitrous oxide, which is always funny when I tell this to others. I think I put them in a state of shock, which is even more funnier. 17E39B26-2239-4F5A-B8D2-CD95894CBD95

My sister says it makes her cry. My husband poses to be a macho man so he would have the dentist do most dental work with nothing, which is just insane. His best friend did this so I guess he feels he needs to do the same. Who knows!

As I am lying in the chair and feeling pretty good, I close my eyes and sense the symptoms of nitrous in my body. It seems to come in waves for me, perhaps my breathing patterns or perhaps meant to be, so it is not too much and continuously, I don’t know. As my body and then my eyelids relaxed, I see a soft white glow, my mind wanders 28B76B30-B9BC-4B4A-BB03-4652DF10EB4Eand I think perhaps this is what dying feels like. It allows me to think and ponder on such instead of what is happening in my mouth. While that brings a sense of joy, I know I am deep in the flow of it all now but then a jolt of panic hits me thinking what if I am dying here in this chair. Thank God I do not do drugs, this is all I can handle. The glow, the nitrous glow, is only the fluorescent light in the ceiling and the light shining on my mouth as he works. Still, I wonder if the light will shine so bright on my face one day when I do die.

In my experience, having nitrous, I can escape and think of things that are often creative, as with this blog, the nitrous glow of what heaven would be like, etc. I escape E6055BF6-CD39-4F74-89AA-9E005BE877B8all the troubles and stressors of my life in this time. Music, especially those songs that are meaningful anyway, become surreal and tears will flow down from the corners of my eyes to my neck dropping teardrops on my dental napkin or clothing. I wonder if the assistant sees my tears flow thinking if I am in pain. If she only knew my joy, as the song goes deep into my soul, knowing that God knows all about me and feeling what a precious time it was to know of His presence while in the dentist chair being tortured by ‘my man’ so my smile will remain.

42A8F448-BB3C-45AA-A7E4-EBF32DABF1FDOf course, the nitrous is over, the effects of his handiwork are being felt as the numbing is wearing off. I have a feeling I will feel this for a few days. I need more nitrous, I miss the glow. Just pass me a pain pill, I’ll make due.

It will all be worth it. I will SMILE because I am happy. FFCE5428-4BC0-4BF1-8578-FB019BDE7A93

 

 

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“Let my soul smile through my heart and my heart smile through my eyes, that I may scatter rich smiles in sad hearts. Smile, it is the key that fits the lock of everybody’s heart. Smile in the mirror. Do that every morning and you’ll start to see a big difference in your life.”

https://www.wiseoldsayings.com/smile-quotes/

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Happily Ever After… Maybe?

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A few years back I was asked if I thought all marriages were good ones, since I did not have one. I do try to look for the good and do try to think positive of marriages, as such, and of life. Although I am not in denial, there are many marriages struggling, as I know of many. Otherwise, it is not my business so unless you tell me or I see signs, I want to believe and wish the best for the couple(s), as in her own marriage.C1DE24B7-FA8F-46A9-A67F-050BD60EDFFF

The tone in the way she asked her question to me, I had to think that this hit a nerve and perhaps things were a little dicey at home. I don’t know and again, it was none of my business. I knew she would not tell me anyway but her comment and tone did raise my eyebrow and make me hesitate and to wonder.

0BB61D78-4519-4D5E-B1AF-C8894AEC6E87Today, I talked with a friend about his month-long stay in Florida with his wife and how much fun they had together. They have been married a good forty-five years, maybe longer, which is pretty cool. He mentioned that on their drive back home, a long twelve-hour drive, they stopped several times, of course, but he said they sang a lot. How sweet, I thought. I just love this couple and to see them enjoying retirement together. Do I know they get frustrated with one another? Yes. Normal. Still, he calls her Honey and tells her he loves her and they seem so 9D65F1B6-A2B7-45A8-B702-62EB1F741048sweet together. I love that in them and so wish I had that. So I do think the good of them and in most couples.

As he told me of their singing, thinking of their marriage, I had to stop and wonder just what that would be like. I don’t want to be jealous or envious of his or other relationships, but I do desire to have such a sweet, caring, loving and fun relationship. Normal. Any woman or man would want this to share their life with together.

Happily ever after is not a fairy tale—it’s a choice.
Fawn Weaver

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Sometimes as I sit in restaurants, I look around and watch couples. Perhaps observing others just like mine, helping me to feel not so alone in this situation and the hopelessness felt. Maybe getting lost in their time together in order to forget mine.DB8B8D81-5662-421B-A79F-A42FE023733F

It takes two to make the marriage work. When one is doing all the work, it is easy to give up after awhile. When the emotional connection is lost, it causes a sad, lonely existence in the relationship. Usually at this point, one or the other is just done.

AB314B86-A177-4DC3-9EC1-F71CD415B396Depending upon the circumstances, there could still be hope in making it all work and enjoying life together.

Marriage is to be with your best friend and enjoy life in all areas of life. Knowing full well that frustrations come, disappointments, etc., but if the two work together, they can walk hand in hand together no matter what comes their way.

So yes, I do think positive of marriage relationships and feel they do exist, which brings happiness. I have hope.

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Did I Fail Them?

The motherly guilt was alive and well recently, as I fought through the fear that I have failed my son(s). The ‘if only’ statement rolls in my thoughts, full well knowing that those ‘if only’ wishes will not change a thing. It only keeps me in a fear mode as worry tags along.87FD1186-60FC-4E84-AC54-27D751AC3628

When writing a recent blog and researching the childhood emotional neglect (CEN) yet again, reading the symptoms, etc., which I have had, panic set in for the boys, especially my youngest.

I know it is proven to be passed along through generations, which would be me, and if so, then I have failed them, too. Had I known what I know now, a familiar phrase spoken by many, whether a parent or not, while I did many things right, I would change some areas.

If what I have gone through and the struggles, I wonder if my sons are going to also. Will it be different with a son than as a daughter? I do not know the answer.

My years of them under our roof has come and gone, now they are too busy. The days speed by so quick and time is limited when visiting or in my life as my days are getting to be less.

Reminiscing of their childhood, I had happy babies. Looking at them, smiling and covering them with love, hugs, kisses and prayers as we rocked and read books. This was something I did not have growing up and proud that I did that with them.  Often I wonder though, do they remember?6EE54AA4-E2CB-4339-8940-062D151FB7DD

Through the years, these sweet boys brought me so much joy and even all those dirty clothes. They knew I would be their number one cheerleader back then and know that even now. The teenage years were interesting. The independence and pulling away from mom was happening with my oldest, I remember, which had me frantic at times but soon learned this was normal with boys. When the youngest did the same, I caught on and realized a new 03E2C037-9E09-4BE1-92ED-553848F43F47phase in their life was happening. Okay, I’ve got this. Even in these years, I wonder if they remember and have good memories of their mom. I was there for them, I always will be but less so they could grow into adulthood, loosening the apron strings

Or do they remember me depressed from the dying marriage happening right in front of them with their dad while I am trying to appear strong and happy keeping our family intact? Even though I lost some precious time, I 9854A649-70A7-4ABC-BE1D-A3A0CA65BE88pushed my way through for them. Do they remember? Or do they remember and did they feel the underlying anger I had toward their dad? The dark days of depression added and being buried with much grief of not just my parent’s deaths, but the death of my marriage, a marriage I always desired but will never have, and most importantly time with my boys and us all as a family unit. Grief in all ways was surrounding me. Those were rough days… years. I hope they don’t remember. I would like to forget it myself.

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The ‘if only’ or ‘if I could do over’ days are over, there is no going back. While these statements brought worry and fear along with tears and all the negative thoughts that I failed them and not to forget that I was a bad mother, which are lies and from the enemy.

As a mother, I did the best I knew to do and still. I have to trust the Lord as I did back then, even though I wondered where He was at times and if He even remembered me. I must trust Him. My boys are grown adult 9E1E5E8B-6F88-480F-9BF4-4EFC6FCC7982men now and doing well. Will they need counseling one day to help in areas from childhood? I do not know but if they do, I will support them to do so. I want only the best for them. Perhaps with my own work in these areas, this will stop the pattern in generations to come.

I just hope they remember their mom’s love, hugs, kisses, support and prayers, especially when it is time for a nice, clean smelling nursing home. 🥰

I Love my Boys (Men). ❤️❤️

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So perhaps you have had the parental guilt yourself. The enemy wants nothing more to keep us believing the lies that we have failed our child(ren). All you can do is your best and trust the Lord

Parental Guilt: Forgiving Yourself For Parenting Mistakes

https://drjonicewebb.com/E92393B8-C3D7-4822-9013-4E9EC5F53B07

Word from Lysa Terkeust:  “Satan wants us to be afraid.

I’m not talking about the healthy kind of fear that keeps us safe. No, I’m referring to that horrible kind of fear that whispers worst-case scenarios.

While we’re distracted with fear, the enemy pickpockets our purpose, cripples our courage, dismantles our dreams and blinds us to the beauty of the Lord’s great plans.

Are you struggling with fear in any area of your life right now? Maybe there’s a relationship causing anxiety. Or a problem you’re facing where there seems to be no solution.

Stop right now and speak the name of Jesus. Proclaiming His name brings power, protection and perspective that crushes fear. It is the name above every other.”

https://www.lysaterkeurst.com/