Left Untold

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The untold story will wreck havoc on a family so in denial.  Where to even begin.  Is it a book that is written in annomity or by fact?

Kind of reminds me of the book, The Help.  You know the characters but you have to surmise and wonder.

That’s where I am.  Where to begin.  I have bits and pieces all around me in notes, actual chapters of how and what went down but putting them all together and tying it together, is yet another thing.

We can all write a book probably and I sometimes think why would I want to add another to the shelves that are way more popular and exquisite than mine would be.  Still, I have an untold story that just may bring hope to another.  Or at least add to some juicy gossip.

Who knows what will transpire but if it is meant to be, it will.

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Unspoken Love

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How or why is it that family members do not speak of love?  To say ‘I Love You’ is hard and/or I guess embarrassing.  I have never figured this out within my own family.  It is that you just know because you know, you are family and you’re loved.  These words are not said.  How sad is that?

Even the thought of asking others in the family if they feel a void in love, is off limits.  True feelings are not discussed. This makes my heart hurt.  My heart has hurt for years of longing for the love that a child/adult should feel or have had received.

Leaving a family member today, my sister, I hugged and I did say I love you and she just looked at me.  Perhaps shocked.  I was thinking and even hoping that those words would be reciprocated but not.  I wonder if they know or feel this, too.

It took years to get this far though.  Before, for years, it was hello/goodbye and no hug so we’ve come a long way baby, as they say.

It is easier to say ‘I Love You’ to a friend than it is a family member.  Why is that?  To get a kiss on the cheek is definitely not going to happen.  I have only a few friends that give me a kiss on the cheek when leaving, along with a hug.   Those mean so much.  I hold onto those moments.

My children hug me and I cherish those hugs.  They know, too, that this Mom will ask for one more hug before they leave to go home.  It’s just expected, with a grin.  I will always hug them, kiss their cheek and say ‘I Love You’ so they will never have to guess or wonder if I do.  I do!

Never let your child(ren) leave without saying those words to them or while they are in your presence.  Hug them, pat their arm or back, as the power of touch is healing.  They need to know you love them.  They may pull away or act embarrassed, especially teenagers, but odds are they want that.

Although, if you only do this while in a drunken/drugged state, that will be a definite turnoff.  I don’t blame them, as I experienced that.  If that is the only times of love shown, it is not love.  Just plain sad.

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Nobody Knows…

E3C27C33-64E8-40BF-9E92-8061C873BCD9While trying to understand life even now at my age, I find it is hard to grasp at times.  The loneliness can be overwhelming but welcomed, too.

After years of friends and acquaintances, some you can share with and some are just too wrapped up in themselves.  Some you can share portions of your life with and sadly some you cannot trust.   All of this leaves one alone to sort out the thoughts, dreams and to fight off the negative thoughts and feelings within that comes.

To be lucky enough to have a good counselor, of which I have, there is still a gap in understanding between us but I feel that is normal as in any relationship.  There is only so much you can get across in fifty minutes a week.  None of us can grasp what the other has faced in life fully or at the present.  We just need to be available and discern to the best of our ability, to care.

As my heart aches tonight and my mind spins with thoughts, I know deep within that there is only One that knows my heart, my thoughts, my hurts.  I have to trust that The Lord will see me through and He has, He does and He will.

Leaning in on Him through the loneliness and chaos within, gives me peace once I get to this point.  Maybe that is what He wants anyway.  Nobody else knows me or you but He does.

Trust Him