Listen to Me, Please!

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In one of my favorite Hallmark movies, which is called “Stranded in Paradise,” as the mother and daughter are meeting for A6899343-904E-40DA-B218-2D23BE82AFDFlunch, the mother rants on about how she raised both of her children and working three jobs.

As the daughter endures this yet again, just like a broken record. The daughter had just been fired from her job. There was no use to even talk because the mom would cut her off and did, not listening or picking up on the chaos felt within her daughter. So she squints her eyes and gives a fake smile, thinking just stop and don’t even waste my breath, as her mother was not going to listen or even be positive enough to truly hear.

6F01D4F5-76B5-47CA-99E2-0B7AB9B90657While I watch the squinting eyes and fake smile, as I understand her. In my own life, I just give up, as it is not worth it to offer or make a comment most times, clarify a matter that may pertain to me, give my point of view or just make conversation. Just be quiet, observe and listen, which has been my place in life, childhood through adulthood. I do try to interject at times and actually if I am listened to, I feel shocked and I feel anxiety build within me.  I do better with one-on-one conversations. Sometimes even in that scenario, the same.

I find that when I think or even say whatever or never mind, I am done, I am totally frustrated and will not waste my FEA74E7A-5B29-4FD0-8BF2-5FAF742370ECtime. I was just shown that I am of no importance or what I have to say is the same. While it hurts, I move on.

Usually, I will walk or drive away telling the Lord just how that made me feel. Reminding myself that I am not important and it brings feelings of rejection. It happens.

Thankfully, I don’t let it get me down as much as before but it does trigger that automatic, negative thought process. I recognize and can turn it around and move through the thoughts and feelings. I speak up definitely more than I use to, too. Counseling has paid off.

At other times, I am really infuriated when I am finally getting a chance to talk to someone face to face but interrupted by a third-party and they take over. Hello!? C272967B-018B-41D0-B021-3084764BAB84This happens all the time. This, too brings and reinforces the thought of that I am not important, I am a nobody to either party so I just walk away, hurt. Yes, I tell the Lord about that also. What gives? Am I really nobody, not important?

If I need to speak with someone and they are talking to another, I try my best to back away and wait my turn to talk out of respect for both but often not reciprocated, or I try again later.

When you interrupt someone it says to the person talking that what you have to say is more important than what they are sharing. It shows disregard for the person and what they are saying.”

Am I faultless in this matter, oh no because I have spoken when I should have remained quiet and/or respectful. I catch myself and usually kick myself afterward, going back into a hole of despondency once again. While hating to be in that position, sometimes I feel it is best to remain quiet and just listen. The balance of listening and talking.

The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.” ~Ralph Nichols

Writing this, I have been watching a situation play out for weeks now at my church. My Pastor is walking in my direction, while I am at the Welcome Desk closing up before church service, and he is already speaking to me but this one woman greeter always changes his path in order to have his full attention. The first time, I was 865454E3-6D8E-4325-B498-9FC85A38EC00disappointed, as I would have liked to talk to him, as he was already talking to me. This past weekend, the same, she grabs his arm this time to redirect. I see it happen but now I expect this in and from her. Little does she know, I already have her number from a couple of situations I dealt with years ago, by her. There is an issue but not worth my time, but I can pray for eyes to be open. Sadly, the games people play, even in church. Patiently, I wait, as I have done through the years.

The other day, I was reminded and screaming within, wanting to just leave the dental chair as I tried to explain6B981F3E-3FFA-44B9-ACFC-29EDD12B8331 a couple of issues after my dental surgery, which prompted this writing, as I did not feel listened to. Normally, I am fine with dental or medical procedures. It is hard to talk though when the dentist keeps trying to get his fingers in my mouth. 5E41D691-CAC9-4B5F-A892-DED12B100248Just stop and listen to me, please!

The day I had my dental surgery, he did not believe me when I told him that something was not right with the crown next to the one he was working with, well I was right, to his surprise. Too much pressure from the extraction and the seal broke and now dealing with not just one tooth but two. Once the numbing wore off and days ahead, I was also concerned of even the next tooth due to extreme tenderness, which had my fear of a domino effect. I ain’t got time for this! I felt he was not listening  to me. I went into this appointment knowing I would have his limited time for this post-op visit and my anxiety was high due to pain and if another crown would be jeopardized from the pressure felt.

I think I know enough of dental procedures from experience and end result, it is my mouth and I am the one paying. I think he knew I was over this whole post-op visit and past week. Perhaps even now doubting him now from years of care and honestly, I was.

Please listen to me!

Talking and being misunderstood, always makes me feel stupid. Does it to you? When talking or telling something and being dismissed brings frustration. I have just learned to accept this way of life in myself and in others through the years. Still, I can desire to be heard. We all want to be heard and listened to.Listen to me. Lettering phrase on light background. Design element for poster, card, banner.

I go to counseling and I talk, sometimes ramble but he or she listens, asks questions and seems  interested in me and cares. Plus, to be heard, understood and to understand myself, brings healing. I have learned, too, that I do have a voice, which I lost years ago.

I find it somewhat funny to watch facial expressions, as so many are used to me being quiet. I think they are surprised when I do speak forth. It might be short and sweet or to the point, but I do say something.

Many times through the years in my office, calls or people will come in wanting to talk to me. My co-workers often comment that when this happens, I am requested, although they, too, could answer the questions, etc. I take time and I listen to them, not just re-directing them to another office., etc., which is what makes a difference.

As I have pondered all this, of the please listen to me, I am sure the Lord thinks the same with me or each of us. He wants only the best for us but we often ignore or don’t listen to Him. Still, He does not give up on us, He will keep calling and knocking until we listen. We can run but we can’t hide, as the old saying goes. D654C601-2440-45A1-BF99-8C28B812EC2C

So for Him to give me grace when I have failed and ignored Him and did not listen, I can give grace to those that did not listen to me or take time for me.

In the end, I know He will never leave nor forsake me and He hears me. I don’t have to beg or pay Him to listen to me. Same for you. Trust Him!

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I love the Lord, for he heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy.
Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.

The Bible has many references throughout of hearing and listening. I never realized how much until I started writing. Perhaps He is wanting me to listen to Him and I need to hear Him.

https://www.openbible.info/topics/quick_to_listen_and_slow_to_speak

https://dailyverses.net/listening/kjv

No More, No Less

2F54C02B-FAA9-4FAD-8568-DA90C89304A3As I was driving home on this cold, gloomy day from work, my mind travels, too. Perhaps it was the gloominess  and being tired from work, but I started thinking of someone that I miss. We all have those moments that somebody pops in our minds. While it is good to make contact to hopefully let them know they were thought of or even encourage, in my case I cannot do that. I know not to cross the boundary and put myself F6BE2A5F-F6C0-429A-A17E-1FAE9B932A5Cin a place of emotional pain of possibly not being received and feel rejected. Still, my mind thinks about her, my former counselor. I find myself frustrated with myself because I think of her but feel I have been forgotten by her, and perhaps I have, as our time together is over. Spending my time in sessions with her for four years, once a week, which amounts to at least two-hundred hours, is a lot. While my living grief is better, it is still there. I do miss her, but I believe that is normal.

Being one to always look up to others in my life, either as a role model, such as a teacher, or a motherly image because of not having a loving mother that I needed, today it reminded me that I still do this somewhat and I so want to stop this pattern. Keeping the Lord as my focus is my goal.

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As I continued to drive, thinking, talking and praying, I know those that are as role models, and they are smarter than me. Each one has helped me move forward in life, as she did. With her or others I looked up to by them having a degree and being in their position. They helped me grow and for that, I will be forever grateful. I just tend to think others are better, smarter, prettier, wiser, etc., than me and I pop them up on a pedestal. All the while knowing I have talents and abilities. What does that say about me? It says and I have believed that I am nothing and never will be as good as them. EEBAD1AD-71DE-47B3-94B0-F4397B2AB81D

As I have pondered this, and I have done so many times, knowing I do this, but today I was able to turn my thoughts around of her and missing my time of our counseling sessions. Perhaps, with this being Monday, the day and time period driving was when I always met with her for years, which was one of the reasons. I am still in that appointment-zone mindset, I guess.

It was when I changed my thinking, rewiring my brain, as she mentioned quite often to help me to grasp. I started with tapping safely while driving, which is a pretty neat technique. So I did that, just because, and to change my thoughts. Grief brings sadness and I did not want to go there, I wanted to feel thankful and happy instead. I can do that.

AE5A9E9A-8B6A-4AA1-A0B5-A6385B93B657I started saying, I am worthy, over and over and then adding I am creative, I am smart, and I know the Lord is doing a work in my life. It was when I got to and repeated, God you love her but you also love me, the same… no more or no less.

So, as I tinkered with this blog, pondering the whole situation, it comes down to shame. Shame of feeling not good enough yet again in my life of which she made me aware of back then.C8E932A8-308B-4A60-A153-447CB1B2D578

Understanding ourselves of why we did and do things, brings healing. I/we may not have it all together at times but as they say, together we have it all. We just need to recognize and accept who we are.

Remembering and keeping the ground level for each of us because He loves each one of us as if we are the only one. How cool is that?!?  Trust Him!

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https://innerself.com/content/personal/relationships/8957-falling-off-the-pedestal.html

 

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