My Counselor is better than your Counselor 😊

CAC2AA3E-0D94-49D1-BD01-9F043EE7F7E5You know how kids will say, my dad is better than your dad? The title came to me after my one counselor texted me this morning, he was just checking on me with everything happening. How sweet is that!?!

My other counselor and I touched base the other day, too. This means a lot to me as they both know of my past with abandonment. During this time, I could easily feel that way although they had nothing to do with the crisis we are in. Thankfully, I don’t feel abandoned.

Many would object to this contact between counselor and client. Perhaps more so after counseling has ended so the contact would not cause a dip in the progress made. Plus, due to the code of ethics. I get it, although I would welcome contact from my previous counselor, but I doubt that will ever happen.

Just this morning, as I was getting ready for my day, soon after writing my blog, I Don’t Like It, I received his text.  It was like he knew I needed that. Perhaps the Lord put me on his mind and heart to make contact, which did touch my heart. 7B62F08A-0730-4491-B83E-66BEE3139A17

These days and more so ahead, we need to touch base with one another when they come to mind. That could be that the Lord put them in your thoughts to encourage them, if just in a text saying you are thinking of them. Everyone will need encouragement through this period that we have never experienced before. Pay attention to the nudge within, take a minute and touch base.

If you or someone you know is having some issues through all of the crisis at hand, please contact a counselor. While they, too, are on limited face-to-face setting to meet, a telephone call or FaceTime will have to suffice but at least it is something and reaching out. Give yourself or them a pat on the back, if so.

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There is nothing wrong having a counselor, or two in my case. Many still hold a stigma in this area, as you are crazy, etc. Even with me seeing two counselors, that enters my mind that others might think I have a lot of issues. I have issues that I am dealing with but at least I am reaching out for help but mostly to be a better me. I have and had the best.

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Listen to Me, Please!

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In one of my favorite Hallmark movies, which is called “Stranded in Paradise,” as the mother and daughter are meeting for A6899343-904E-40DA-B218-2D23BE82AFDFlunch, the mother rants on about how she raised both of her children and working three jobs.

As the daughter endures this yet again, just like a broken record. The daughter had just been fired from her job. There was no use to even talk because the mom would cut her off and did, not listening or picking up on the chaos felt within her daughter. So she squints her eyes and gives a fake smile, thinking just stop and don’t even waste my breath, as her mother was not going to listen or even be positive enough to truly hear.

6F01D4F5-76B5-47CA-99E2-0B7AB9B90657While I watch the squinting eyes and fake smile, as I understand her. In my own life, I just give up, as it is not worth it to offer or make a comment most times, clarify a matter that may pertain to me, give my point of view or just make conversation. Just be quiet, observe and listen, which has been my place in life, childhood through adulthood. I do try to interject at times and actually if I am listened to, I feel shocked and I feel anxiety build within me.  I do better with one-on-one conversations. Sometimes even in that scenario, the same.

I find that when I think or even say whatever or never mind, I am done, I am totally frustrated and will not waste my FEA74E7A-5B29-4FD0-8BF2-5FAF742370ECtime. I was just shown that I am of no importance or what I have to say is the same. While it hurts, I move on.

Usually, I will walk or drive away telling the Lord just how that made me feel. Reminding myself that I am not important and it brings feelings of rejection. It happens.

Thankfully, I don’t let it get me down as much as before but it does trigger that automatic, negative thought process. I recognize and can turn it around and move through the thoughts and feelings. I speak up definitely more than I use to, too. Counseling has paid off.

At other times, I am really infuriated when I am finally getting a chance to talk to someone face to face but interrupted by a third-party and they take over. Hello!? C272967B-018B-41D0-B021-3084764BAB84This happens all the time. This, too brings and reinforces the thought of that I am not important, I am a nobody to either party so I just walk away, hurt. Yes, I tell the Lord about that also. What gives? Am I really nobody, not important?

If I need to speak with someone and they are talking to another, I try my best to back away and wait my turn to talk out of respect for both but often not reciprocated, or I try again later.

When you interrupt someone it says to the person talking that what you have to say is more important than what they are sharing. It shows disregard for the person and what they are saying.”

Am I faultless in this matter, oh no because I have spoken when I should have remained quiet and/or respectful. I catch myself and usually kick myself afterward, going back into a hole of despondency once again. While hating to be in that position, sometimes I feel it is best to remain quiet and just listen. The balance of listening and talking.

The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.” ~Ralph Nichols

Writing this, I have been watching a situation play out for weeks now at my church. My Pastor is walking in my direction, while I am at the Welcome Desk closing up before church service, and he is already speaking to me but this one woman greeter always changes his path in order to have his full attention. The first time, I was 865454E3-6D8E-4325-B498-9FC85A38EC00disappointed, as I would have liked to talk to him, as he was already talking to me. This past weekend, the same, she grabs his arm this time to redirect. I see it happen but now I expect this in and from her. Little does she know, I already have her number from a couple of situations I dealt with years ago, by her. There is an issue but not worth my time, but I can pray for eyes to be open. Sadly, the games people play, even in church. Patiently, I wait, as I have done through the years.

The other day, I was reminded and screaming within, wanting to just leave the dental chair as I tried to explain6B981F3E-3FFA-44B9-ACFC-29EDD12B8331 a couple of issues after my dental surgery, which prompted this writing, as I did not feel listened to. Normally, I am fine with dental or medical procedures. It is hard to talk though when the dentist keeps trying to get his fingers in my mouth. 5E41D691-CAC9-4B5F-A892-DED12B100248Just stop and listen to me, please!

The day I had my dental surgery, he did not believe me when I told him that something was not right with the crown next to the one he was working with, well I was right, to his surprise. Too much pressure from the extraction and the seal broke and now dealing with not just one tooth but two. Once the numbing wore off and days ahead, I was also concerned of even the next tooth due to extreme tenderness, which had my fear of a domino effect. I ain’t got time for this! I felt he was not listening  to me. I went into this appointment knowing I would have his limited time for this post-op visit and my anxiety was high due to pain and if another crown would be jeopardized from the pressure felt.

I think I know enough of dental procedures from experience and end result, it is my mouth and I am the one paying. I think he knew I was over this whole post-op visit and past week. Perhaps even now doubting him now from years of care and honestly, I was.

Please listen to me!

Talking and being misunderstood, always makes me feel stupid. Does it to you? When talking or telling something and being dismissed brings frustration. I have just learned to accept this way of life in myself and in others through the years. Still, I can desire to be heard. We all want to be heard and listened to.Listen to me. Lettering phrase on light background. Design element for poster, card, banner.

I go to counseling and I talk, sometimes ramble but he or she listens, asks questions and seems  interested in me and cares. Plus, to be heard, understood and to understand myself, brings healing. I have learned, too, that I do have a voice, which I lost years ago.

I find it somewhat funny to watch facial expressions, as so many are used to me being quiet. I think they are surprised when I do speak forth. It might be short and sweet or to the point, but I do say something.

Many times through the years in my office, calls or people will come in wanting to talk to me. My co-workers often comment that when this happens, I am requested, although they, too, could answer the questions, etc. I take time and I listen to them, not just re-directing them to another office., etc., which is what makes a difference.

As I have pondered all this, of the please listen to me, I am sure the Lord thinks the same with me or each of us. He wants only the best for us but we often ignore or don’t listen to Him. Still, He does not give up on us, He will keep calling and knocking until we listen. We can run but we can’t hide, as the old saying goes. D654C601-2440-45A1-BF99-8C28B812EC2C

So for Him to give me grace when I have failed and ignored Him and did not listen, I can give grace to those that did not listen to me or take time for me.

In the end, I know He will never leave nor forsake me and He hears me. I don’t have to beg or pay Him to listen to me. Same for you. Trust Him!

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I love the Lord, for he heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy.
Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.

The Bible has many references throughout of hearing and listening. I never realized how much until I started writing. Perhaps He is wanting me to listen to Him and I need to hear Him.

https://www.openbible.info/topics/quick_to_listen_and_slow_to_speak

https://dailyverses.net/listening/kjv

No More, No Less

2F54C02B-FAA9-4FAD-8568-DA90C89304A3As I was driving home on this cold, gloomy day from work, my mind travels, too. Perhaps it was the gloominess  and being tired from work, but I started thinking of someone that I miss. We all have those moments that somebody pops in our minds. While it is good to make contact to hopefully let them know they were thought of or even encourage, in my case I cannot do that. I know not to cross the boundary and put myself F6BE2A5F-F6C0-429A-A17E-1FAE9B932A5Cin a place of emotional pain of possibly not being received and feel rejected. Still, my mind thinks about her, my former counselor. I find myself frustrated with myself because I think of her but feel I have been forgotten by her, and perhaps I have, as our time together is over. Spending my time in sessions with her for four years, once a week, which amounts to at least two-hundred hours, is a lot. While my living grief is better, it is still there. I do miss her, but I believe that is normal.

Being one to always look up to others in my life, either as a role model, such as a teacher, or a motherly image because of not having a loving mother that I needed, today it reminded me that I still do this somewhat and I so want to stop this pattern. Keeping the Lord as my focus is my goal.

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As I continued to drive, thinking, talking and praying, I know those that are as role models, and they are smarter than me. Each one has helped me move forward in life, as she did. With her or others I looked up to by them having a degree and being in their position. They helped me grow and for that, I will be forever grateful. I just tend to think others are better, smarter, prettier, wiser, etc., than me and I pop them up on a pedestal. All the while knowing I have talents and abilities. What does that say about me? It says and I have believed that I am nothing and never will be as good as them. EEBAD1AD-71DE-47B3-94B0-F4397B2AB81D

As I have pondered this, and I have done so many times, knowing I do this, but today I was able to turn my thoughts around of her and missing my time of our counseling sessions. Perhaps, with this being Monday, the day and time period driving was when I always met with her for years, which was one of the reasons. I am still in that appointment-zone mindset, I guess.

It was when I changed my thinking, rewiring my brain, as she mentioned quite often to help me to grasp. I started with tapping safely while driving, which is a pretty neat technique. So I did that, just because, and to change my thoughts. Grief brings sadness and I did not want to go there, I wanted to feel thankful and happy instead. I can do that.

AE5A9E9A-8B6A-4AA1-A0B5-A6385B93B657I started saying, I am worthy, over and over and then adding I am creative, I am smart, and I know the Lord is doing a work in my life. It was when I got to and repeated, God you love her but you also love me, the same… no more or no less.

So, as I tinkered with this blog, pondering the whole situation, it comes down to shame. Shame of feeling not good enough yet again in my life of which she made me aware of back then.C8E932A8-308B-4A60-A153-447CB1B2D578

Understanding ourselves of why we did and do things, brings healing. I/we may not have it all together at times but as they say, together we have it all. We just need to recognize and accept who we are.

Remembering and keeping the ground level for each of us because He loves each one of us as if we are the only one. How cool is that?!?  Trust Him!

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https://innerself.com/content/personal/relationships/8957-falling-off-the-pedestal.html

 

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Did I Fail Them?

The motherly guilt was alive and well recently, as I fought through the fear that I have failed my son(s). The ‘if only’ statement rolls in my thoughts, full well knowing that those ‘if only’ wishes will not change a thing. It only keeps me in a fear mode as worry tags along.87FD1186-60FC-4E84-AC54-27D751AC3628

When writing a recent blog and researching the childhood emotional neglect (CEN) yet again, reading the symptoms, etc., which I have had, panic set in for the boys, especially my youngest.

I know it is proven to be passed along through generations, which would be me, and if so, then I have failed them, too. Had I known what I know now, a familiar phrase spoken by many, whether a parent or not, while I did many things right, I would change some areas.

If what I have gone through and the struggles, I wonder if my sons are going to also. Will it be different with a son than as a daughter? I do not know the answer.

My years of them under our roof has come and gone, now they are too busy. The days speed by so quick and time is limited when visiting or in my life as my days are getting to be less.

Reminiscing of their childhood, I had happy babies. Looking at them, smiling and covering them with love, hugs, kisses and prayers as we rocked and read books. This was something I did not have growing up and proud that I did that with them.  Often I wonder though, do they remember?6EE54AA4-E2CB-4339-8940-062D151FB7DD

Through the years, these sweet boys brought me so much joy and even all those dirty clothes. They knew I would be their number one cheerleader back then and know that even now. The teenage years were interesting. The independence and pulling away from mom was happening with my oldest, I remember, which had me frantic at times but soon learned this was normal with boys. When the youngest did the same, I caught on and realized a new 03E2C037-9E09-4BE1-92ED-553848F43F47phase in their life was happening. Okay, I’ve got this. Even in these years, I wonder if they remember and have good memories of their mom. I was there for them, I always will be but less so they could grow into adulthood, loosening the apron strings

Or do they remember me depressed from the dying marriage happening right in front of them with their dad while I am trying to appear strong and happy keeping our family intact? Even though I lost some precious time, I 9854A649-70A7-4ABC-BE1D-A3A0CA65BE88pushed my way through for them. Do they remember? Or do they remember and did they feel the underlying anger I had toward their dad? The dark days of depression added and being buried with much grief of not just my parent’s deaths, but the death of my marriage, a marriage I always desired but will never have, and most importantly time with my boys and us all as a family unit. Grief in all ways was surrounding me. Those were rough days… years. I hope they don’t remember. I would like to forget it myself.

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The ‘if only’ or ‘if I could do over’ days are over, there is no going back. While these statements brought worry and fear along with tears and all the negative thoughts that I failed them and not to forget that I was a bad mother, which are lies and from the enemy.

As a mother, I did the best I knew to do and still. I have to trust the Lord as I did back then, even though I wondered where He was at times and if He even remembered me. I must trust Him. My boys are grown adult 9E1E5E8B-6F88-480F-9BF4-4EFC6FCC7982men now and doing well. Will they need counseling one day to help in areas from childhood? I do not know but if they do, I will support them to do so. I want only the best for them. Perhaps with my own work in these areas, this will stop the pattern in generations to come.

I just hope they remember their mom’s love, hugs, kisses, support and prayers, especially when it is time for a nice, clean smelling nursing home. 🥰

I Love my Boys (Men). ❤️❤️

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So perhaps you have had the parental guilt yourself. The enemy wants nothing more to keep us believing the lies that we have failed our child(ren). All you can do is your best and trust the Lord

Parental Guilt: Forgiving Yourself For Parenting Mistakes

https://drjonicewebb.com/E92393B8-C3D7-4822-9013-4E9EC5F53B07

Word from Lysa Terkeust:  “Satan wants us to be afraid.

I’m not talking about the healthy kind of fear that keeps us safe. No, I’m referring to that horrible kind of fear that whispers worst-case scenarios.

While we’re distracted with fear, the enemy pickpockets our purpose, cripples our courage, dismantles our dreams and blinds us to the beauty of the Lord’s great plans.

Are you struggling with fear in any area of your life right now? Maybe there’s a relationship causing anxiety. Or a problem you’re facing where there seems to be no solution.

Stop right now and speak the name of Jesus. Proclaiming His name brings power, protection and perspective that crushes fear. It is the name above every other.”

https://www.lysaterkeurst.com/

The Light is On

5EDFB0D5-09E2-4410-B860-11A76D5CF117As I sat and talked with my counselor the other night, we covered a lot of ground, as I try to understand myself and as she is trying to understand me. Counseling has been good for me the past five years. I am not the same person that I was when I first walked into my former counselor’s office. It has been a safe place to share anything and everything, not be judged, ridiculed or made to feel less than, adding to shame.

At times it seems like a waste of time to discuss the past but the past affects our today and future, if not dealt with and understood. There are some things I want to know and to understand the whys in life as a child, adult and even now as I ponder at my present age. Talking it through, listening, research and even writing blogs have been healing for me.

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It was even when I was a child I knew I had a teacher that was a role model for me when in elementary school and years following. I watched her, how she dressed, I looked at her gold wedding ring of how pretty, her short dark hair, how she carried herself and conversation with others (adults or students). Always positive, I felt in my view, perfect.

I wanted to be just like her. It was my desire to become a teacher at that age. No surprise, as I would have the neighborhood kids in our garage sit as students, at times, during summer break and we had school. Of course, I was the teacher, just like her. We all had fun at this time in my life, as children should play and be imaginative.

As a little girl, I had my Barbie dolls, as many little girls did, and I was oftentimes in my Barbie doll world as I was off in my bedroom while others were in the living room 7F3EF6F6-4630-4F1F-BE80-8445AEB29898talking, laughing and drinking beer. I had this one Barbie doll that I probably picked out to buy that reminded me of her, with short dark hair. We all know, Barbie dolls are perfect.

Later, there came a time when I sat down to all of my dolls, and I remember thinking this is silly. I packed up my dolls, doll house, clothes and they went into storage. I still have all my dolls in safe keeping one day for my granddaughter(s) to play with or for an antique store to sell, when I am gone.

Even though my dolls were put away from childhood, as I entered into a new phase of my life, my role model was still special to me.

With her importance to me, it was always a joy to run into her outside of school or see her as I rode my bike. When riding in the car, I could see her house in the distance, across the train tracks in this one area of the road, right 8CC190FD-A536-4759-839C-DD9A2AE8677Dbefore you go over a hill. I was always alert of my surroundings when going down this main highway because of that, as I would see a light in her kitchen window. To me, that light brought a calmness because I knew she was there. Was she? I do not know for sure but the light helped me to cope in my life at that time. Silly but I did that.

Not having a close relationship with my mother or sisters to help understand matters growing up, I had to listen and observe mostly of those that were around me. Having a light in my lonely childhood full of unanswered questions, helped me.

This week as I write this, I discussed some areas with my counselor and it made sense in part of why abandonment affects me A68EFC12-05E1-4842-8735-994ED36427F6somewhat. While having her as a teacher one year, she was out several times for medical reasons. I missed her, I was concerned about her and could not wait for her to return. The class sang this goofy song a boy wrote when she returned, I remember still to this day, as if it was just last week. Sigh of relief, she was back.

While I do know now that it is normal to feel an attachment to teachers and perhaps boys having a crush, I did not then and never had someone to talk to about this with. Lost in my thoughts of why she was so special. Now knowing, she cared for me and I needed that, if just a smile or a wave, I was somebody to her. I felt special.

As my counselors have discussed this and as I have pondered it more, I realize it was probably a grounding tool for me back then. I did not know that in my young years but I always wondered what was wrong with me to be somewhat obsessed with her. Even that brings shame because of just those thoughts, what is wrong with me.

I was nobody at home but the youngest in the family and just present while everyone around me was busy with their own lives. I just existed. Sadly, I escaped in thoughts of wanting to be just like her when I grew up.

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As children, and as I was a child, we develop coping mechanisms to survive and grow. With her, I learned not just from her class that one year but many years of not being forgotten, shown kindness when we would run into one another and the excitement I felt, like seeing a movie star, in my eyes back then. We are friends today. I know she cares and loves me as I do her. To top it off, she was in my wedding, the date of her birthday (that was not planned, just the calendar year although it was pretty awesome). The Lord truly blessed me to have a good role model, teacher and friend in my life.44A95196-F441-4F3E-A84E-03620C6FDCE9

While she does not live in the same house, I still look over the hill and railroad tracks to see a light on in the kitchen window of the unknown, present owners. The light still brings me a calmness.

In regard to counseling as an adult, I was not aware of the whys and confusion felt keeping it to myself, such as childhood emotional neglect, abandonment, coping mechanisms that came into play, grounding for calmness  and shame present and built because of thinking something was wrong with me.

How sad for a little girl to have all that within. Counseling has paid off for me and I believe that the Lord blessed me with the best counselors to understand some of the whys in my life to unlock the freedom within.

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For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

 

CEN Home

https://psychcentral.com/lib/what-is-emotional-abandonment/

Daughters of Unloving Mothers (P. Streep)

 

 

Invisible Me

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Our memories can run a mile a minute and mine did just that this morning. While reading a post written by another wife dealing with her husband’s Aspergers. With that and remembering myself years ago feeling the same, I could totally relate, in her saying, “I could not deal with being and feeling invisible any longer” so with her young child, she will leave the marriage. Of course, other issues were present but this one made me go back to a period that was just unbearable for myself. C7FC683F-16B3-4C97-B635-F41E30E36E6A

My boys were young, too, perhaps eight and ten. This one instance that is etched in my mind is one where we all left church to go get lunch at our favorite pizza joint.  As I remember, that whole morning and church service was uneasy. I would mention something and he would deny, like before, over and over. This was an ongoing dialogue between us. The craziness of that day in and day out was enough to tip me over the edge. Trust me, I wanted to jump many times, no tip needed. I stayed for my boys and dealt with the circumstances.

EC56EC75-49C9-4481-9718-9D487C1E7C85As the boys and my husband were enjoying the pizza buffet at the table, talking among themselves, I am sitting there being totally ignored. To remember, I feel and sense the sadness after all of these years still, just a lighter degree from then, thank God. I am eating and on the verge of crying but what good would that do? I sat there alone, emotionally distraught, feeling like a homeless person with my family. Exactly my feeling and I remember that thought so well, and the pain within.

A blanket of doom and gloom of this marriage was choking life from my body. This was about twenty years ago, as I write, and I had no inkling of Aspergers then or up until five years ago.

As I met with my former counselor who alerted me of Aspergers, that seemed to fall into the scope from my sessions, I felt the blanket lifted from me and the craziness that Aspergers can cause in a marriage relationship, which is a sad, lonely one. 37D69AF2-625B-4852-BC9B-01D6E0BC01BB

In our many sessions, of course, my childhood was discussed.  A lot of adult problems are unhealed childhood issues, which I have heard over and over again from my Pastor, in his messages. As a child living in an alcoholic home, not realizing it then as it was just my life, but I was present while I listened to conversations and observed my surroundings.  I remember my counselor commenting that it was interesting that I was invisible as a child and now as an adult in my marriage. I guess interesting although I understood what she was saying, more depressing than anything. I was invisible and had no voice.

Now, just recently, I did my two weeks, the eighty long hours required in clinicals for Phlebotomy certification, 53BB793C-649B-4518-ADF0-D6C80AB37DFDthe worst two weeks of my life. I remember a couple of times when I was alone in the lab office area, I held my hands up and moving like a Mime stating, am I invisible?  I did all I knew to do, and I am trying to help them and understand the process, as I was their legs to save them time but the training I should have had was weak in each of them, a waste of my time. When there was time to ask questions and time for them to explain this or that, they each had their nose in their cell phones. I was at a loss. I was being ignored, not trained properly and I felt invisible, yet again. Although now I know the role of being invisible, so I am there at this point to get my hours and required sticks, ignore me if you want. I am doing my time and I am out of there, just learning to hate a profession I thought I would enjoy.

So to read this mother’s woes of feeling invisible brought me this point of my writing.  Perhaps to remember what I came through and to treat others as they truly matter, that they are not invisible at all. Even the homeless matter. My heart is bigger knowing and feeling the pain that I dealt with and in that I do not regret what I have grown up with, my marriage and this past experience.

Each one of us need to be aware of those around us. We never know what they might be going through. Just a smile, costs you nothing, but can bring hope to a person who has none.

Thankfully, we are not invisible to God. He knows each of our names, where each of us are and the number of hairs on our head. Trust Him.

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She [Hagar] gave this name to the LORD who spoke to her: “You are the God who sees me,” for she said, “I have now seen the One who sees me.” That is why the well was called Beer Lahai Roi [the”well of the Living One who sees me”]. (Genesis 16:13-14)

Invisible

Do You Love Me, Really Love Me?

Sometimes in life I have often wondered if I was and have been truly loved.  As I sat in my counselor’s office, now E3F1B75D-1193-45B8-BB68-2E95FFD9DF51many years ago, I can still see her and hear her talk and help me understand what shame was and the unworthiness I had felt throughout my life that I had expressed to her. Simple words, yet I never connected them to make sense and tie it all together of how they affected me. Shame carries a boatload of issues.

177B77B0-0BDF-4CF0-B115-61270671FA07With me not understanding at first and for a bit honestly, I probably was looking at her as a deer in the headlights.  Then to say and ask me if I felt I was unlovable. Again, I never put a word (or words) to my feelings. These are just a few examples. Everything was starting to click. It was not her putting thoughts and words into my head of such but unraveling the chaos within and turning on a light for me to see and understand why my childhood and adult years that I have always questioned. Am I loved? Am I special to anyone? Does anyone really 8C3A11B6-498F-424A-9F7C-DCBCBF57BBC1love me? The BIG one was crying and screaming within, Please Hug Me! Even with that, I could not understand why.

In those thoughts and all the other thoughts in question that I was unsure about, I came many times to the realization that I am not loved really, I am just existing. Then, to wonder how I could even love myself. With all that, the enemy made sure I knew that it was me, something is wrong with me, again all shame based, toxic shame.

To grow up with no love shown, no hugs, no verbal words of ‘I Love You’ said, only in written form on a birthday or Christmas card with money and that only being, Love You. Where is the “I” at in those written words? Maybe the “I” missing reflected that they really did not love me, it is just expected being a family member, a daughter. Even as a small child I pondered a lot of deep things like that, like reading between the lines, observing any signs, questioning them and myself.  Perhaps I am not loved because it sure was not evident. I just existed.

0D39074B-6BEB-411F-A4B8-5B9A11ED2969Life goes on and still in the back of my mind, I often wondered what is wrong with me. It’s me, all me and I am a nobody basically. Oftentimes questioning why was I even born and in that I felt like an oops baby and no doubt I was, coming seven years after my sister. Existence in a chaotic world in my chaotic mind. My mind screaming, please hug me over and over again yearning for love, a mother’s love.

To be married, I thought this was it, my one chance that I would be truly loved. Having babies was a dream come true. As a mother, I wanted more for them as most mothers do. I knew deep down that closeness, face-to-face interaction was important and they had my full attention, always welcomed to be in my lap, definitely made sure I said ‘I Love You’ often, and I had happy, smiling boys, all the things I did not get. There was no hesitation in love or doubt of encouragement and support and they still have that from me, they always will.

It was my marriage that changed. Again, I went through the loops of it was my fault, I am unlovable, I am a terrible wife and the shame that I took on myself got quite heavy. As the old saying goes, if I knew then what I know now, things would be different. I took on the shame while he lived in denial. Again, existence.

With my previous counselor and the one now, hearing and understanding what my childhood was like, my BA3E5470-2B67-434B-B625-C9737E3D7853marriage and that shame latched onto me like a bloodsucking insect, they both have said and found it interesting that as a child and even in this marriage, the same, I just existed with no love. Yes. I just exist, again wondering if anyone really loved me. To second guess love is never good; as you doubt them, you doubt yourself and you doubt anyone expressing love, afraid also that it is not real. A wall of protection is built to keep me safe from the hurt although it hurts me more because of the isolation I placed myself in. Abandonment is all around.

To know you are a family member or wife but not shown love, you just exist and expect that love is present, is disheartening. Shame still exists of which I have to fight through, now the wall. Just writing this, I have had to wonder and push through the thoughts that it is me, again wondering what is wrong with me. Knowing now, the enemy is trying to hold be back with such, just as he did in my past. I am not taking those lies, they have been exposed.4B813433-8E42-46E5-8144-699FAFAB5E8C

We all have issues and we all come from different backgrounds and upbringing. My parents did the best they could with all of us children and responsibilities in life. In the lack of love expressed, I starved for it from others. I now understand through my counseling, that it was my coping mechanism that kicked in to receive love. I latched onto just a few, sincere mother figures that cared, made me feel special to them and would hug me. I needed those hugs to give me a sliver of hope.

While in counseling years ago and for many years, I understand moreso today that transference was in the midst, which is normal to build trust between us and for me to feel safe with her. I knew she cared and understood me, which was life changing to help me understand my past, deal with the present and have a better future, not just of not receiving love needed but in so many ways, of understanding myself. A light was turned on for me to deal with and heal a lot of the hidden hurts within. I remember asking her several times throughout or times in sessions, if I was special to her and, of course, she said yes, which helped me, as I needed that from her to continue. The childhood emotional neglect now 6FFE1D65-9FA1-482A-A0C0-DA3F7817BB50understood, too, caused me to doubt her words and she knew that, but I could be open with her and ask. My mind screaming, PLEASE HUG ME, became evident to her as my eyes was a telltale sign and of my shallow breathing in panic felt. We were able to walk through those moments in session together. Priceless! Somebody understood me, finally. Someone cared enough for me to make sense and unravel years of chaos I felt. Many times before leaving, receiving a hug from her. Some question whether a counselor should hug a client. In my case, YES, as she was wise enough to know, feel my hurt and lack of love within me.  Thank God she took the time to help me understand myself and why I struggled. Today, I do not yearn for those motherly hugs I so missed and craved all of my life. Understanding, brings healing.

0393888E-601E-443E-8002-E8FFAE753C51Knowing that God loved me throughout life, I even doubted Him, which is a normal response of such neglect. My relationship with Him has deepened through all of this, knowing He does in fact love me. He is my Father. He is my Husband. He is my ALL and I know without a doubt that I can trust Him to fill the void of love and move through daily life not searching or yearning for love. 6E86E103-29CD-4DCF-BAC0-6A032B681D54LIFE! JOY! PEACE! He handpicked that counselor just for me, I have no doubt, because even in my older years, He still has a plan and a purpose for me.

483DB30B-BA9C-4F37-B720-5D43BB711180He knew me in my childhood, in my adult years and now, today. He wants more for me than to yearn for love and to just exist, but to know deep down that I am loved by Him, if nobody else.

Just as He gives us grace, I believe I am to give grace to those that failed me of love not received, perhaps not knowing any better. Also giving myself grace to accept that I am lovable, I am worthy and I am loved. God Loves ME. ❤️DB593836-0F32-4E8C-9E94-657D58C32694

Perhaps someone reading of my life, feeling unloved, will be touched and know that you are not alone. Just to know you are not alone as such in this case, brings peace and normalcy within, realizing somebody else dealt with the same and the shame attached to it has to go. Know that you are loved, you are worthy.

God Loves You! ❤️ Trust Him.

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