Heartache

It’s Us

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It’s Us!

Not You, it’s You and Not Me, it’s Me. It’s Us.

This may not make sense to anyone but me. I have come a far distance and it feels good and feels right. Time does make a difference. Healing within and understanding of oneself is liberating. Is my life perfect and have it all together? Not a chance.

It is knowing I am not where I once was and I am still evolving.

One day, which is the next step, I will see my former therapist of four years. Her leaving due to medical reasons and not formally telling me, I was at a loss, her office sign is down and is no more, in 2018. My world was rocked off its axis.

Dealing with abandonment prior to her leave, then experiencing full-blown abandonment, as a true, full-blown assignment, my heart was broken. Anger ripped my insides up while tears flowed on the outside. The question I repeatedly said, was one word, WHY?

Of course, it was medical but why not personally touch base. This ‘why’ screamed within me for years.

It has since silenced. It’s not that important anymore. How is that? I still don’t know the why. There’s a peace and I like it.

Time does in fact heal. Forgiveness of the other but also of oneself is freedom, no matter what situation.

All the negative feelings and thoughts have subsided and it is kind of shocking. How will I react when we do meet while shopping or in public I often wonder.

It would be nice to see her and hug her. I’m forever thankful for our times together years ago but I want this to be a coming together somehow on the same ground level as friends. Not her as my therapist or me as her client. That is no more. It’s Us. Funny, I think she would understand this of me, as she was good like that.

That’s the next step, our running into each other. I would like that.

Again, Time!

Digging in the Ditches

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I do not want to dig! I said, I do not want to dig in the ditches. It is too much.

As I scanned over my many writings, just the titles stir my emotions. How can I even go there without losing myself in the memories and feelings of those exact moments when things happened in my life and of my broken heart? I do not really know how to move past except to move through those times and put words in front of me as I feel and remember to share that you, too, can make it. Maybe it is for me to remember and to know where I have come from and what I went through to be right here at this right time, sharing my story.

A coach I had recently expressed all this as ‘digging in the ditches’ and so true, as it is digging through some bad, muddy times where I felt stuck. Throw me a lifeline please, I would cry out so many times under my breath, in my mind. Do you all not see I am struggling? Sadly, those words were on my mind while sitting on the church pew many times. I was invisible, I felt.

So, this is a start of my digging and thought I would test the waters. Unsure if I can dig tonight, as I write, but this is a start. How’s that?

The Bubble

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Saturday was an experience that must end and end soon. This virus that is among all of us, nobody is exempt. Safety precautions all around us in many forms. Most adapting to the new normal right now and some throw caution to the wind. I am not here to debate but we are all dealing with a mess.

It has been three months since visiting with my sons and my daughter-in-law. Life gets busy along with the distance between our homes. Working with two in my office, one diagnosed with cancer and another having surgery, I felt I had to keep distant from many outside elements to protect them along with staying healthy myself while keeping our office moving. Limiting exposure but yet living. Is this living really? My oldest son and his wife are teachers. My youngest lives with others and the one tenant has had Corona parties at the house they are renting all together. The exposure increases and tracing would almost be impossible. My limitations of visiting and also them limiting exposure to visit is void.

Exception was on Saturday, as I had the opportunity to watch my grand-dog for the day. Upon dropping him off, no hug from my son. A general greeting and conversation. Distance of six feet was danced around like a bubble around him. Was he protecting himself or was he protecting his father and I. It was just an odd picture as I watched this all play out.

The dog was a treat to enjoy and change up the same old ordinary Saturday. Soon it was time to leave later that evening as the three of us sat in the living room, still distanced. No matter, it was a joy to hear and talk to my adult son.

Then it was time to leave. The bubble was so evident and like a brick wall. Standing at the car, by this time I would normally have had at least two hugs and one more for the road with I Love You echoing. Standing there, I did feel like he felt the loss of a hug, too. I’m his mom.

The emotions within and then the thoughts that he is afraid to hug me, protecting his mom. Although I am the same, wanting to protect him. The battle within and holding back from that embrace of my son. As he was walking further toward the car door, I said I miss your visits, the hugs and I just hate this. Hearing him say, ‘I know Mom.’ I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, I hate this virus. Enough!

Does he hear the words I Love You deep enough within him from his mom, repeated once again before leaving our driveway, as I walk back into my safe place, alone in my home.

My son was so close but yet so far away in the six feet distancing. This should not be between a mom and her child(ren). Perhaps the roles have already reversed, he/they are protecting and taking care of me.

That is a whole other blog, as this makes me feel old, just thinking of it.

As we all walk through this, I hope and I pray that our health remains strong through this pandemic. I hope and pray that also for you and your family/friends, too.

We will get through this!