I do not want to dig! I said, I do not want to dig in the ditches. It is too much.
As I scanned over my many writings, just the titles stir my emotions. How can I even go there without losing myself in the memories and feelings of those exact moments when things happened in my life and of my broken heart? I do not really know how to move past except to move through those times and put words in front of me as I feel and remember to share that you, too, can make it. Maybe it is for me to remember and to know where I have come from and what I went through to be right here at this right time, sharing my story.
A coach I had recently expressed all this as ‘digging in the ditches’ and so true, as it is digging through some bad, muddy times where I felt stuck. Throw me a lifeline please, I would cry out so many times under my breath, in my mind. Do you all not see I am struggling? Sadly, those words were on my mind while sitting on the church pew many times. I was invisible, I felt.
So, this is a start of my digging and thought I would test the waters. Unsure if I can dig tonight, as I write, but this is a start. How’s that?
What is it about clean, white sheets on a bed? To many, it means nothing more than clean, white sheets, nothing out of the norm. It is a chore many dislike, laundry.
As I was making my bed, my mind went through years and years of memories, of how I felt and where I am now. As I smoothed out the sheets, admiring the crisp look and fresh scent, I teared up, thinking of the past. White sheets. I can have white sheets.
When I go to my sister’s house and stay a couple of nights, I look forward to our visit but her white sheets make me feel special and loved. When I go to a hotel, which is very rare, and once I settle in of seeing no bedbugs (Thank You Jesus), I enjoy the white sheets for the night, it’s a treat. White sheets. I, too, can have white sheets.
My bedroom accent colors are burgundy and olive green, very pretty to me. I always had burgundy cotton sheets, which I loved as they matched so well to my decor and bedding.
Although, after many washings over the years, they were starting to look worn, tired, becoming worthless, just as I felt in those years that my memory was actively reminding me.
Awhile back, I finally broke down and ordered a nice set of sheets, supposedly burgundy but not. Burgundy is a color that is hard to match, it’s a must see item before buying, lesson learned. In that, I ordered white sheets. Unsure if I would like, as I had grown attached to my old burgundy sheets due to the blending of colors. Plus, I hate change. White sheets. White sheets are for special people or guests, not me.
Hesitantly, the newly washed white sheets went on my bed and I loved them. Now wondering why it took me so long to make this change. Just this simple change in sheets, I felt different. As I pull down the covers to crawl in bed, I feel a joy. Just a simple, nice set of white sheets made me feel like I deserve them in my own home. Years and years of feeling worn, tired, unlovable and unworthy, I have felt life returning, as I am lovable and I am worthy after years of counseling and figuring out who I am once again. Life can push one down so low, of no hope in sight. White sheets. I am worthy to have white sheets.
People say they lose themselves in life situations and I totally understand this, as I did. I was at a point of hopelessness and feeling so worthless. No person should feel this or get to that point but it happens. Thank God I had a counselor that spent session after session, for four years, helping me see through the dark days and of understanding myself, as I gave up on loving and trusting others and even myself.
No matter, I knew God loved me through it all. I reminded myself that He knew my name and where I was at all times, which was my go-to saying, sometimes of not believing even that truth. He said He would never leave me nor forsake me so I had to trust and believe when I had nothing left within me.
It has taken awhile to get to this point but just the mundane act of making my bed of all clean bedding, seeing the white sheets, I am so thankful and touched that He did not leave me. He has brought me to a place where I am today. I do have white sheets now, and I love them. I don’t think I will ever buy any other color. A small, insignificant piece in my life just to remind me where I was and where I am and to feel hopeful and worthy. It’s the small things in life that brings the big picture together. White sheets. White sheets are a must.
Perhaps reading this blog of mine, (man or woman) you may relate or know of someone of feeling the unworthiness, which can cause so many issues compounding upon other issues to where you might feel stuck and total hopelessness. Perhaps it is no accident that you read of my own soul-sucking life experience to know that I understand.
Just know and most importantly, never forget that YOU are worthy.
HE KNOWS YOUR NAME AND HE KNOWS WHERE YOU ARE. TRUST HIM
Sometimes you feel like a nut Sometimes you don’t Almond Joy’s got nuts Mounds don’t
Now you have that little jingle in your head. You’re welcome!
There are those days I feel like a rock. You know, it could be a bad hair day, or the gray hairs are sparkling and proving my age, the wrinkles look a little more deeper than the day before, the weight seems to increase and can make one feel hopeless, perhaps a sock gets a hole in the toe which can be annoying or perhaps the clothes or undergarments are just not comfortable. Those days I’d rather stay in bed with a cover of my head. On top of something like those mentioned, somebody’s mood or my own just makes the day even worse and then the emotions show up in tears. Those days are rough and hard to get through.
The next day, I may not feel like such a rock. The hair, the makeup and what you are wearing makes you feel good about yourself and nobody can get your goat and ruin your day. A bring it on attitude of confidence oozes from your glow from your face as your posture is upright while holding your head up and smile at the world. Those are good days and we all need more of them. Hopefully, for the most part, those days are more common than not.
Just recently, I had an opportunity in one of my Facebook groups to enjoy an online sale of geodes and rocks found and tumbled to make into jewelry. I have always found geodes fascinating and have always wanted to go mine rocks to set out and enjoy the beauty. While shopping is fun and it is easier to buy jewelry but playing and digging in dirt would be fun, too. As a child, if there was a mud puddle, I was in it standing and splashing or riding my bike through it and dirt splattered all over me. It made for a fun day or outside fun.
This online Facebook sale is of many in the family I have followed through the years, as each one was involved in one thing or another and I feel like I know them personally. I found it interesting that this father-daughter duo would go rock mining and come back home to show them off while both actively washing the rocks to prepare them many ways. I did not know until that morning of their online sale, which was a must.
The daughter, Cindy, was holding a geode and telling of the online sale. She also held and talked about how we sometimes talk negatively about ourselves or even another. The outside of the rock is full of cracks and crevices and not that pretty, which is what we see. Not good for nothing, it’s a rock. We see the bad parts of ourselves, the wrinkles, gray hair, etc.
With this geode, she turned it over and showed where her father, Pop, cut it in half. The inside of this geode was beautiful. Cindy went onto express how this is how God sees us and that we are inside. There is beauty and a lot of intricate pieces within that makes us unique and special. Not her words exactly but you get the gist or perhaps how I heard her and I am trying to express.
The geodes mined are all different, you and I, each person, are all different. We have good and we have bad or of days of how we see and feel about ourselves or life itself. We have a choice. Do we want to just be the outside of the rock and sit there until we die or do we want to open up and show the beauty within of the gifts and talents, the love, care and kindness to share of what the Lord has given us?
He made us to show up and show off what He has done, as we are fearfully and wonderfully made by the Lord. To understand the smallest and intricate details of our lives occur according to the plan of the Lord, how can we not bring Him glory and praise? When we know and do this, we love ourselves and exemplify His love in us so that we can give to others. They see Him in us.
We may experience some days when we may feel like an old ugly rock. May you and I always know and remember that deep within, we are beautiful.
To love yourself was always hard for me to grasp, as I could only see most the rock formation due to circumstances in my life. Plus, I did not want to be stuck on myself as I have seen that happen. I found it easier to love others and see and even express their worth and beauty, but not my own. I’m sure my counselor wanted to throw a rock at me and say, “Why can’t you grasp this?” Still, as I am better in this of caring and loving myself, I cringe. Just writing that, I did. Even though, I know deep down I am made in the image of God, He made me who I am, He has given me gifts and talents and no matter what I look like on the outside or feel on the inside, He Loves Me. In that, it is all that matters. He loves me so much that I can love myself and I wish that for you.
So sometimes we feel like a rock and sometimes we don’t.
Interesting that this blog came about this weekend with Easter. As I held my geode in my hand and turned it over and over to look at it, the thought of the tomb. The stone, it was rolled away.