I Am Worthy

I Am Worthy!12BE7E16-A8D2-49AE-8B6F-B93188D0496F   You Are Worthy!

It has taken me years to get that in my thick skull to understand and feel I am worthy. I am sure I have wrote about this before, at some point.

At times regretting it took so long to get here but on the other hand, a relief that I am finally here. I am ME. The Lord knew me before I was even born, He had plans for me and what I was to face in life, never leaving me but loving me, just as I am.

25C9C74C-4032-4844-912D-F00358AAFA33So many times, I looked to others for my worth waiting for a compliment or to know they cared in some, small way or the hugs I craved. When received, my hope and worth in life became alive and joyful. Somebody cares for me. Sadly, short lived. The memories of that moment of high feeling that may last for days, comes down to trying to conjure up the memory or that same, sweet feeling and hearing words said directly to me. While I can remember, it is not the same. Sadness overcomes my soul for I need another fix. Somebody please tell me you care for me, hug me please as my mind is screaming, pat my arm so I can feel that touch again and burn it in my memory, I am desperate for connection.

I would never share those thoughts or words with anyone, always knowing I was desiring and screaming on the inside. In hopes one day, I would be loved by somebody and find my worth.

Thankfully, I had a counselor that heard the cries within and speaking of them with her, I no longer had to carry them alone. The Lord truly knew my heartache and allowed her to intervene. To share them brought embarrassment and shame but brought healing each time.

0917CC9A-78AD-4BC9-9154-22ED5C8E3B30The cage I was in of desperately wanting love and worth of others can only come from the Lord.  Releasing others from their attention and love that I required and hungered for only comes in small doses but receiving at times sometimes unexpectedly is so much sweeter.

I know without a doubt that joy, my sense of love, feeling special and worthiness is all from the Lord.554B51EB-EC85-4756-89E0-6041796A6FB7

When I don’t feel and know that within, my attention has wavered to people, not God. I always knew that deep down, but I thought it was easier to get and receive from those I can see and touch.

His Love is forever and ever.  It is where my love is focused upon that determines the outcome.

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Catch a Blowing Kiss 💋

13729142-69e8-4743-9feb-2efad95e868e-12389-00000b92ef91368dBlow me a kiss and I will grab it.  Mine to cherish, remember and treasure.

Many of you reading may not understand why a kiss blown is so special to me; but for those who did not receive openly, expressed love growing up, it is a moment etched in the brain of the receiver.  A gift.  7B94430B-9382-470E-B3E0-C8DA6D2D98F5

Today, I just so happened to see someone that is special to me and I have missed. While only passing in the car and the kiss she blew to me, it meant so much.  To know she was happy to see me in passing and cared enough to do that, my heart felt full. 💕

Many friends and families throw around the words ‘I Love You’ and kisses on the cheek given so quickly and freely, although love through it all, too, I find it to be just because that is what you do.  Meaningful feelings sometimes I feel are overlooked, just expected. I do not know really because I never had that so when it does happen, a sincere tight hug or like today, a kiss blown toward me showing they cared, touches my heart deeply.

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It is when and I know so well, the quiet, lonely times of feeling desolate from friends and family and that nobody cares.   Thankfully, faith arises knowing the Lord loves me and is always there for me.  I have to depend upon Him to love me and I have to accept His Love, then peace comes.

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