Do You Trust Me?

We are instructed and reminded either by sermons heard or in a crisis and people reminding us to trust the Lord A74A2627-6647-4D3A-96FF-FF5552C617C9with all our heart. Many times this is written in the Bible of Trust Me. The hope knowing He is there for us and always will be with us, brings peace.  Bottom line, we are to trust Him. No if, ands, or buts about it. Trust Him!

In the past, I have trusted Him, I had to. In situations in my life, marriage that was dying, several family members desiring me to suffer and to die, health issues and just barely crawling or even breathing, I knew to hold onto Him.536B0147-9D8F-48B3-A988-1CCD5BDE0122

Of course, many don’t trust Him, which is evident all around us. To be honest, I had my doubts at time. In periods of desperation and loneliness, screaming out audibly at times and most times were under my breathe in anger. Where are You, Lord? Why am I in this situation and You allowed it? Why? WHY? Even to the point of saying, I am angry with You!

BCA0F826-75CB-459A-9503-BD6800399A02Just with that last statement, I am sure some eyes will widen in shock and gasps of the ‘oh my’ with judgement and shameful that I don’t love the Lord. It felt wrong to do that but it was the truth. Well, guess what? He knows I was angry anyway about my situations and even with Him. He knows me, He knows my coming and my going, He knows the number of hairs on my head so it was no surprise to Him that I was and confessed that I was angry with Him. Believe it or not, I felt a deeper connection with Him after that outburst.

FC7471B9-F55F-481F-A51A-5FCA910CB6EFSeveral that knew what I was facing in my marriage said to leave, even a counselor. No, I can’t. I would suffer and hold on for my boys, it was best financially and even though I felt stuck and had no hope or joy, I always felt that it was not in God’s Timing to leave. I will know when it is time. Perhaps a codependency on my part, but I know to wait upon the Lord.

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In regard to my family members, let them talk, tell lies and whatever they do, as I was to remain in peace and forgive. Did it hurt? It just about put me under in all areas of my life, and that was their goal. It does not mean I am to be buddy-buddy with them but at a distance I still care and know they are family, even though they disowned me. I am to pray for them. Yikes! The praying part was a hard one but I can now and do. God knows their heart, as He knows mine and yours, too. There are some that no matter what you do, it would never be enough. The Lord will fight my battles, I need to do nothing. I am not to convince anyone of those that heard the lies and comments that I am a good person.

My health has taken hits over and over again, knowing my situation and what I have dealt with did not help, but I knew the Lord would take care of me and He has. I am not in denial, but I do know to stay put and I know when to move. Moving day is coming.

9B4F9A02-0DC7-4F41-9ECA-7090EB512BEFSo I am to trust God. A couple of months ago or longer, I felt down inside that He was questioning me. The question was, Do you trust me? I heard that over and over and from experience in years past, I know He speaks to me usually repeating three times. Do you trust me? Do you trust me? Do you trust me? Well, I guess I need to trust, don’t I?

I knew what I was to do and to trust Him in this area and I did but questioning for weeks if that was really Him or just me. Again, no surprise to Him that I think I know better than 2E931FA2-D2A8-4BFB-BFA4-5FBB98D62C67Him, doubting and delaying. Lord, was that really you?  I kept hearing and to remind me, ‘Do you trust Me?’ Still, I hear those words in that question. Have I had any great miracles happen? No, but I know to be patient and wait upon the Lord. Do I trust Him? Yes! I know something is about to happen, the anticipation within, but I have no clue of when, where or what so I wait. I know how to wait and be patient, most of the time. His Timing. Always on time!

Perhaps you or someone you know is in a place of wandering around hopeless, unsure what to do, feeling alone, just existing and going from day to day, in a bad situation, etc., Trust Him. Easier said than done, I understand but for complete peace, joy and happiness that is what it comes down to. Ask yourself today as you go about your life and in the days ahead, Do You Trust Him?

God asks the question: Do you trust me?

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The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and His ears  open to their cry. Psalm 45:15

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

https://www.sermoncentral.com/sermons/do-you-trust-me-david-dewitt-sermon-on-faith-general-42175

http://www.tellthelordthankyou.com/blog/2016/5/16/psalm-1185-6-god-says-trust-me

 

 

 

Happily Ever After… Maybe?

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A few years back I was asked if I thought all marriages were good ones, since I did not have one. I do try to look for the good and do try to think positive of marriages, as such, and of life. Although I am not in denial, there are many marriages struggling, as I know of many. Otherwise, it is not my business so unless you tell me or I see signs, I want to believe and wish the best for the couple(s), as in her own marriage.C1DE24B7-FA8F-46A9-A67F-050BD60EDFFF

The tone in the way she asked her question to me, I had to think that this hit a nerve and perhaps things were a little dicey at home. I don’t know and again, it was none of my business. I knew she would not tell me anyway but her comment and tone did raise my eyebrow and make me hesitate and to wonder.

0BB61D78-4519-4D5E-B1AF-C8894AEC6E87Today, I talked with a friend about his month-long stay in Florida with his wife and how much fun they had together. They have been married a good forty-five years, maybe longer, which is pretty cool. He mentioned that on their drive back home, a long twelve-hour drive, they stopped several times, of course, but he said they sang a lot. How sweet, I thought. I just love this couple and to see them enjoying retirement together. Do I know they get frustrated with one another? Yes. Normal. Still, he calls her Honey and tells her he loves her and they seem so 9D65F1B6-A2B7-45A8-B702-62EB1F741048sweet together. I love that in them and so wish I had that. So I do think the good of them and in most couples.

As he told me of their singing, thinking of their marriage, I had to stop and wonder just what that would be like. I don’t want to be jealous or envious of his or other relationships, but I do desire to have such a sweet, caring, loving and fun relationship. Normal. Any woman or man would want this to share their life with together.

Happily ever after is not a fairy tale—it’s a choice.
Fawn Weaver

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Sometimes as I sit in restaurants, I look around and watch couples. Perhaps observing others just like mine, helping me to feel not so alone in this situation and the hopelessness felt. Maybe getting lost in their time together in order to forget mine.DB8B8D81-5662-421B-A79F-A42FE023733F

It takes two to make the marriage work. When one is doing all the work, it is easy to give up after awhile. When the emotional connection is lost, it causes a sad, lonely existence in the relationship. Usually at this point, one or the other is just done.

AB314B86-A177-4DC3-9EC1-F71CD415B396Depending upon the circumstances, there could still be hope in making it all work and enjoying life together.

Marriage is to be with your best friend and enjoy life in all areas of life. Knowing full well that frustrations come, disappointments, etc., but if the two work together, they can walk hand in hand together no matter what comes their way.

So yes, I do think positive of marriage relationships and feel they do exist, which brings happiness. I have hope.

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My Achy Breaky Heart

EE333D73-EDCD-4FE8-82B0-DCA046E78CC9We have all heard the song, Achy Breaky Heart, at some point in our life. Honestly, I did not like that song then and the title is only being used as it fits my story.

The other night as I watched Grey’s Anatomy, they said that this man had a broken heart syndrome, which caught my attention. With that I remembered back way many years ago when I was in the hospital for some reason. That is how long ago it was, as I cannot remember what was medically happening then.

Odds are though, it was between 2000 and 2008. I was dealing with too much on my plate and my marriage was 4B04D047-69D5-4F75-954F-1B024D4278F1lost and suffering in the midst. Many health and psychology articles mention if stress, anger and emotional turmoil within is not dealt with, physical ailments result. Bingo! I had been experiencing a pain in my heart for awhile but could never express to the nurses or doctors of the nagging pain that was continuous, tests were negative which of course brought fear, even more into my life because the pain remained. B5BE4975-3774-4DFE-B789-B0ED1FD2EB74

As I was in the hospital bed, the nurse was checking my vitals and asking me questions about the pain and sadly I said to her that I think I just have a broken heart. In my mind, that was truth, it was that bad in my life. Being a patient in the hospital was never a problem for me, even though sleep is interrupted often but to me it was a respite for me from my own home. How sad is that?

I knew as a patient, they would care for me.  I did not need to care for anyone. The medical field was always an interest anyway but time away, an excused absence from my life, was welcomed when it did happen.

Here it has been so many years of me feeling and saying of my broken heart that it is actually a real thing. I was not wrong to tell that nurse my heart was broken, because it was. Whether it was broken heart syndrome or not, I do have proof that I had a stroke in 2007. No doubt that was stress related and odds are an end result of it all combined.

2E273A6E-EA5B-488C-9577-C6CD8DBC438FThrough the years of dealing with such, I have learned to deal with and take care of myself and to heal the ache. While some of those times were building walls so that it would never happen again, from anyone, that is not good either. Life happens and we will be hurt and I have been. I recognize that sometimes these overwhelming times of distraught made me stronger. I made it through the last time, I can make it through this time, being resilient. I had to be.4C56003D-ACEB-4FAE-A4DD-95B1332ED944

Having my former counselor in 2014 for four years, I learned to acknowledge the hurt, notice where I felt the symptoms in my body, feel the feelings, name it, etc. while that helped and helps now, I believe most importantly pray for forgiveness of the one hurting you, which will release and bring the wall down that was readily to go up instantly. Not necessarily for them but for yourself.3BA54066-7984-4EE7-95F9-B7B466CBE294

We will all be hurt at some point and in different areas and also we must acknowledge that we will hurt others, too. It is life and how the world goes around.  Perhaps not meaning to be hurt or cause hurt but it happens.

Thankfully we have a Heavenly Father that knows all about us. He sees us as in pain from the hurt. He knew we built walls around us determined never to be done that way again. He sees and collects all of our tears, many times 7B5662BA-B0A6-4FF3-93AD-B3C3E7156E88thinking He has gallon jugs of my tears. He knows that we had or have unforgiveness in our heart. Still, He loves us. He patiently allows us to wallow in our despair and agony, kick and scream and act like brats at times. We are His children and He loves us. In time though, for complete joy, peace and happiness in life, we must turn to Him. God, I need you! He is right there waiting on us to call upon Him.

F62E596F-67B5-4A8D-A08D-28FE1B22AB14Only God can heal my broken heart and He has many times. The pain eases and I can trust Him that through it ALL, He knows me, He loves me. Same with you. We all will have times where it seems hopeless. Whatever or whomever has hurt you, causing pain in your life, turn it over and allow Him to heal your broken heart or pieces within. Trust Him!

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https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/two-takes-depression/201102/broken-heart-syndrome

https://www.crosswalk.com/devotionals/your-daily-prayer/a-prayer-for-when-your-overwhelmed-heart-aches-for-his-overwhelming-peace-your-daily-prayer-december-27-2016.html

Trust or Distrust?

6594C139-3701-4A6C-938F-FDE4ACD405B1There is a part of me that would rather you look me in the eye and say, I do not like/love you, I hate you, I do not want anything to do with you, etc., than to find out later it was all a lie, questioning our relationship.  While that would be horrific, at least I would know what I was dealing with.

To receive my trust, to know me, to hear me and to know I was loyal and then to crush my spirit, is like a knife in my back.  Sadly, that knife has been there many times.  I D4388487-BF85-4636-BCD1-D911E2A3AD9Fam kind of getting used to the sharpness and the dull pain it presents.  It just reopens and irritates the wound from before that I was getting over. How many times do I have to endure the agony?  It’s hard when it repeats itself, especially from those you would not expect.

As I was in counseling for years and still, trying to grasp the fact of this hurt, the betrayal, abandonment, rejection, distrust, lack of vulnerability, to name a few and realizing they were what I have dealt with in life.  Now, understanding the areas that get triggered and while pain exists through it, I know it is not the end of the world.   Thankfully, I can recognize and name the emotions felt.  Like, yes I have been here before and this hurts. It helps when you know what you are dealing with whether that be in the emotions, as such, or even the one causing the pain.  We may not understand what the other person is going through or the reason this or that happened but give grace and forgiveness, move on.

You would think that the ones that cared and loved you would not do such damage, but it happens. Shocking.

The question lingers… Who do you trust?E0C8227E-7587-4D3D-8938-E58FFA2A990C

It is hard to be vulnerable knowing that just this can happen.  You think you are in a safe place in a relationship but again, it happens.

3A9D2D89-A24C-47E1-A851-A5690FEADEEEThe walls get built to protect from letting others hurt you once again. Perhaps not allowing myself to be me, was something we discussed often in counseling, afraid to be vulnerable.  I understand.  How can the walls not be built to keep the pain away?  There is a distrust. It takes time and healing of such pain to dissipate, hopefully.  When you think you can trust again and it happens yet again, the walls go back.  The wall gets bigger.

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One thing I do know, is that the enemy wants nothing more to make us and help us believe the lies in order to stop our growth. The thoughts bombard our mind to just to stop it ALL.  I felt this so strongly the last few weeks. I do not know who to trust or to be vulnerable with and share; so the 52A72642-7651-4544-81AA-CDB596F1F7F5thoughts and decision of no more counseling, no more caring, no more nothing. Done! Just go to work, home and repeat. Exist. Exactly where the enemy wants me yet again, to be isolated and depressed.

I know better though because I went down that road before for years.  I recognize the enemy at work in my mind and my emotions.  I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and getting close to freedom in life and to feel joy.  I want that in my life.

The knife in my back yet again is just that.  What’s new?  I made it before, I’ll make it again. At least I know how to walk through this with more coping skills than I had years ago and I see it as it is.  The pain exists, tears come and go from the disappointment. Before, I would take it all upon myself, as there is something wrong with me or it is my fault, etc., but I am not taking the blunt of the negative feedback trickling in my thoughts.

Sadly, many get to this point as such or similar and consider the situation hopeless, too tired to work through the despair.  Suicide is rampant among us all. Keep going, you will get through this. Today might be rough but tomorrow will be better.

457B8EEC-3EEC-45DF-A2F5-FEA0AF846327As much as my heart hurts, I know that the Lord knows all about my pain.  I have to trust Him through this.  I did not have the energy before, years ago and for years, but now I do.  I will Praise Him through this pain and He will see me through.

Any negative thoughts, feelings and emotions that I have, not to forget the anger that rises up in my attitude, I know I must forgive the one(s) that hurt me.  I know, too, that I am to pray for them.2E833860-5258-4FC4-82A3-BA0B43CD1BB8

If you also are experiencing some pain or issues in life, trust Him. He knows your name and exactly where you are, too.  Life will throw us some punches and knifes in the back but we need to keep moving forward. You’ve got this!

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The Bible gives advice about trusting others after we’ve been hurt. Trusting God is the first, most important step. When we know that, no matter what men do to us, God will always be there, faithful and true and trustworthy, it is easier to handle betrayal or disappointments. Psalm 118:6 says, “The Lord is on my side, I will not fear. What can man do to me?” 

The second step after being hurt by trusting others is forgiveness. As Jesus told Peter, if a brother sins against you seventy-seven times a day and comes back asking for forgiveness, we should forgive (Matthew 18:21–22). 

https://www.gotquestions.org/trusting-others.html

Homeless Little Girl

While getting ready to be picked up by some friends recently to attend a popular musical in a nearby city, many thoughts kept coming to mind that I haven’t thought of since I was a child. At least this much thought.

I do not give myself such luxuries to attend these types of events often enough. One, because they are too expensive and I am not too terribly fond of musicals. Perhaps for this very reason I am writing that I am not a fan. This one had a meaning, as my son was in the orchestra pit so you bet I would pay and make myself available to be with others to enjoy. Slowly crawling out of my shell, too.

Since it has been years, like I said, I was a young child and I might have been ten, if not a bit older but not by much. There was this girl at the other end of our small, country town and we were becoming friends, hanging out, as we talked on the telephone like most girls do, which was all nice. While I liked her friendship, I knew she was more outgoing and just better than me. I have always thought everyone was better than me, a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem.

0941A85F-F0C1-4B8A-B855-1CD52ED17D18It was when Jen called me at home one evening. As a typical young girl, I played outside, did not dress up much and spent just an ordinary day at home, most days and weekends. Her call was to ask me if I wanted to go with her, her mother and maybe another person to a play, a musical or something fancy. Knowing and thinking that I may never have this opportunity again, I agreed and thought it would be fun. Of course, with that agreement, I had to be ready within minutes. Sure, I am ready, I said. Now, I had no idea what or where we were going, just with my friend. I felt special knowing I was asked to go. I felt special and important.

It was when they arrived to pick me up and my friend, younger than me by a year, walked through the door with her mother. I remember the exact place I was standing, looking at them, probably thinking oh my. I’m sure my mom and others in the living room were thinking, what the hell. While I do not remember what the mom had on, I do remember my younger friend looking like an adult. All dressed up, 14C7F979-C6D1-454A-B751-78D4DD1A1062wearing her mother’s mink stole and makeup. They were both classy looking. Here I am, probably greasy hair somewhat, in my normal clothes from the day. Remember, I only had five minutes to be ready. Not knowing what to expect, definitely not this night or what followed.

I do remember my mom asking me if I really wanted to go. I know now that was to protect me from being hurt due to the way they were dressed and the homely look I 8cb1ff75-fa04-467a-aec4-0c7793a42308-43917-00000876b968150aportrayed compared to them. At that time, I did not give much thought to this, although I remember the shock when they walked through the door beaming, but I made a commitment to go so off we went. No doubt my mom was concerned, but I did not know how to say no and to go somewhere was a luxury.

As I gave thought to this fancy outing with my friend dressed to the nines and here I stand with them in the lobby area of the event feeling very insecure, as I see people stare at me. To them and those around, I did look homeless and I am sure I was an embarrassment to them, sorry they even asked me.9EF4F1E2-2795-4293-890E-F52792B130A8

As I got ready to go to the musical for my son, I felt a little apprehensive about what to wear, which brought up all of these memories. Dealing with excitement to go but the torment from the past. I was dressed nice, my Sunday best somewhat, but I caught myself scanning those that picked me up and others in attendance around me. Fear. I found I was dressed appropriately although I was overdressed probably to some. Anything goes nowadays, anywhere but not so much back in my day.

0e3b2b0e-2c25-422e-a280-f8ab576f69be-10228-0000025b43f0b48bInteresting how my morning getting ready to go dealt with the night almost fifty years ago. I felt as though the Lord was revealing some hidden hurts that need attention and healing. No doubt, enough to make my head swim.

So many thoughts took me back, as a lot of negative roots in my feelings of myself and even others grew from that night. I remember them all dressed up and we are standing in the foyer area to enter for seating.  It was like I was frozen watching others look at me and then those I was with.   Strangely enough, I do not remember anything else from that night. I was there physically but nothing more.

d0033ac5-e020-490d-a057-24f0c1a90c7c-43917-00000875474bb142I wonder if I disassociated myself during that outing and have allowed that to happen throughout my life, at times, when hurt or placed in predicaments where I was uncomfortable. I felt anger from these thoughts of that night. As I thought of this event and that this so-called friend used me because probably because a classier friend could not go or maybe others and I was was the last one on her list. Last resort is what I felt like. To still remember seeing myself standing there feeling like dirt, perhaps that is why all my life I have felt I never measured up. Interesting how such things affect us throughout life. I freeze in fear and other issues. How sad that such an event that should have been a big deal and enjoyable but it caused some major issues for me that I have kept buried.

No surprise, our friendship did not last. Even though I never discussed this back then with anyone or since, it all affected me. Here almost fifty years later, I am remembering and writing about it and acknowledging the moments. I understand a little more about me, which brings more healing. That in itself, I will accept and move forward.

In fact, my fourth grade timeframe has been zapped from my memory and I never could understand, as I have mentioned to my counselors. No doubt, I bet this event lines up, as I was swallowed up with shame.834FBE85-E9B9-42FC-A0FF-56650D179ABA

Feeling used and ‘used’ might not be the word I am searching for but I do know how hurtful it was and to feel like a no-good human being due to looks, clothing, etc., can be devastating. This whole scenario was wrong in so many ways.

I hope and pray that from this point on, remembering and analyzing the dynamics of this classy musical or whatever it was that was fancy enough for them to wear mink and to appear more than what they were, I hope I never put on an air to be something I am not and make someone feel so worthless. Also, to cause some hidden hurts that I have carried due to this situation but I must forgive them, too. My friend’s mother passed away many years ago and sadly my friend, too, just years later.

I have no doubt that the Lord saw me then and knew I would be at this place now. He has carried me way too many times in my life of hurts. How awesome! 💕

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Isolation Stops Here

63BADBC8-34A8-4B71-83EB-6A330D5AE5DDWhile being alone at times can be helpful in order to get re-charged, spend time with God, which is all normal but other times it can be detrimental.

Years ago, after several family estate issues I tended to and lies were said about me to many, I begin to believe the hurtful lies and question my own worth.  You can believe that the enemy took hold real quick.  I avoided life itself, a prison within my own home and within myself.  I was dying and actually that would have been a relief.  Satan wants nothing more than to kill, steal and destroy.  I knew that but no energy to fight.

I had a choice, to live or to die.  I’m still here!  It has not been easy and heartache and pain still hits.  I know the ones that are still lying and saying things about me to those that will listen.  I cannot control those situations.  Some thrive on drama and such.  Know them by their fruits, forgive and move on.  The Lord said He would fight my battles.  I have to trust Him.

Dealing with a situation recently, I wanted to crawl back into the dark pit of despair of isolation.  To not trust anyone, feeling sadness, anger, depression, etc.

While I canceled one social event because of being emotionally overwhelmed, I had another event today.  I came very close, a couple of times to do the same, but I pushed through.81519706-EA83-4A56-942B-4F914147BAA2

I never want isolation to control me ever again causing rejection, inferiority and every other evil plot that Satan can throw at me.

I have worked too long and hard through the last four years to drop back down to the depths of despair.35FFCE95-2B34-42F7-A7B8-5CE71FB049A8

Plus, I love the fact that even through this pull to remain within my four walls, the Lord has been gracious enough to open up His Word to me, reading various writings of exactly what I am dealing with, as if they were written just for me, which increased my faith and to remind me of His Love for me.  That’s God.

Push through the lies, push through the despair within and draw close to the Lord.  You may feel dead within and walking blindly.  Through the anguish, if all you can say is Jesus, He understands you and He knows.

(Personalize the following)9F84ED27-50EB-4647-A778-6CE4A1A3BD90

He knows your (my) name.

He knows where you are (I am).

He loves you (me).

Once Was

Happy Anniversary LetteringThe day after!

I woke up earlier than need be after a restless night of sleep.  This time with the thought of my wedding anniversary, my 29th one that bypassed without a word the day before.  I’m okay with that although I found the day held a gloom over it. Sadness in my body of knowing what was, that has not been, that is not now or will ever be.

He is always good at giving me a card that is usually set out by my coffee pot, knowing I will see it there and sure enough there it was.  He’s very routine. The card acknowledged by me but dismissed.   I doesn’t matter anymore, it just brings sadness. I looked at the card, read it and placed gently back in the envelope and placed on my wire rack where an place cards received and mementos to show off, for just a period of time.  

Thankfully, as I read, he is broke from writing ‘I Love You‘ after all these years.  Those words written and read produced anger within me for years wondering how he just does not get it.   It was fourteen years ago that his words spoken to me in our counselor’s office, not my Counselor of present, and neither one of them thought anything or replied of my WOW comeback of shock, which was, “I don’t love her and I don’t think I ever did.” I was done, with both of them.

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How in the world was I to take those words and go on with being a wife, have sex and act as though we were happy.   My heart was crushed.  Plus ignored that night in counseling by both him and the counselor and then blamed that those words were taken out of context by him.  An apology never received but that I misconstrued his words.

Numb.  I was so numb which later turned to anger and hatred as the days, months and years numbered.  These words just added to the chaos I felt.  All these years with him and finding porn much earlier, which prompted the marriage counseling after much prodding on my part to bring him. How could all of this happen? To discuss issues was out of the question because he would turn away and avoid any confrontation so I was left to reel in this life of unhappiness of existence alone. The elephant in the room Syndrome and sweep it all under the rug.   

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Years passed after leaving this marriage counselor and just an existence of an empty shell remained of me. Trying with everything inside of me to raise two boys and maintain sanity. Not easy but I did that for them. I became a real good actress to those around me and in church. I was dying inside.

Yes, many will say the boys would have been better off if we had divorced, but I knew that each of them had my care and watch upon them. I truly do not think he would do that and he would let them run astray. I feel proud today knowing I stuck it out and they are both successful young men.

While I am not ignorant of the fact that they have had some emotional turmoil and issues growing up and will have to face some as an adult because of this, but I will pat myself on the back for sticking it out through some hell but also kicking myself of some of the hell that they experienced. I had to trust the Lord then and I do now.

This past year though along with the years of counseling with my personal counselor that I write about, I began to get a grip of myself, my life and of this so-called business partnership, marriage that I am a part of and that is of boundaries. What a difference.   

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While we are still legally married and under the same roof, it is not a marriage and no intention of it being any different, til death do us part (or divorce do we part). Today, I can be in the same room and carry on a conversation with him but it is all a general, life discussion. Typical with Aspergers, which makes sense why I felt like I was going crazy with this man. Years ago, I walked into my counselor’s office feeling almost dead in all areas of my life. 

Holding onto a thread of hope, which she gave me and I truly feel the Lord led me to her. Otherwise, I do not know where I would be right now. Somebody heard me, understood me and I did not feel so alone in life. Research, reading and getting grounded in knowledge of what I was going through opened my eyes and my life restored to a point of existence and wanting to exist.  The counselor does their part but it takes the client to do their part, too.

Thankfully today, the tension and much hatred is gone and that has been nice.  I am hoping and going on that the Lord has changed and healed me in many areas.  I am not responsible for him.  Forgiveness goes without saying, a must.  This did not come overnight, but today I am happier, allowing myself boundaries in this so-called business-marriage relationship.  For now, it works.

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