Strangers in the House

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As I walked to the kitchen, the song ‘Strangers in the Night’ came to mind. With me, I change words around in songs to set to my situation, and this was no different.

Many years ago, before we moved into our home, I designed it to be remodeled in the full basement in order for it to be an apartment if needed for our kids or if my 546DCE67-2347-4D37-93E2-9B36344F6A4Fmy in-laws had to move in on the main floor. Even though I love my in-laws, I still have my space to escape, as needed, if need be so I thought. Just thinking ahead when planning the layout. As the boys grew up, it worked wonderfully, as the boys and their friends had a kitchen, bathroom, beds or floor space to throw sleeping bags, as they played their video games. That’s all they need basically. At times, we had all their friends here and many stayed over off and on or a few for days, knowing they were always welcome. I would rather pay more in groceries to keep them all in a safe home than out roaming the streets or in homes that I knew little to nothing about. It was work but I miss those days being a short-order cook, with those fun, loud, stinky boys.7638EE81-D50B-47BB-8B6C-EFA52FD695E9

As the friends dwindled due to a driver’s license or moved on, so did my kiddos. College came and went, never for them to have our home address again. In a blink of an eye, the house was now quiet and cleaner, but I am alone. The sleep I longed for in their youth, I think I am all caught up and now wake at the break of dawn.

Little did I know or realize, this remodeling was really not for the kids or in-laws but for us as a couple, husband and wife. My sister and I call our house Apartment A and B. I’m in A and he is in B. It works but definitely not a normal, happy marriage.

What is normal?  What is a happy marriage suppose to be like? Over the years, I see other couples and they seem happy. Maybe they wore masks as we did for years attending church. Nobody ever knew or questioned the drift or the space on the pew between us. Often, I would look out over the crowd at a restaurant and notice couples, some are talking and some just sit in quiet and eat. We were part of that group in case they looked at us. I had made a comment in one of my counseling sessions about other couples being happy. Honestly, I saw that in most, just not mine. It was when my counselor snapped saying, “How do you know they are happy?” It was her tone that kind of made me back up and think I hit a nerve. So apparently things were not sweet and cuddly in her own home. Okay, never mind, let’s move on.

9F3E8DA1-DF77-4EA6-AB6F-C14B11E0E440Our interests, life itself, is non-existent between us. No love, no hate, just exist as I refer to it, as business partners, brother/sister relationship. Again, it works. There is no fighting. We do have that going for us. In earlier years, I wanted to fight by means of verbalizing, no hitting, but he would run away. Nothing solved, except me standing in my corner of the boxing ring, alone. After awhile, you give up, what’s the use.

Still, as I am humming my made-up song, hearing him downstairs, in his apartment, doing his own laundry of just how we are strangers in the house.

What life holds in store for either of us, only the Lord knows. I have no doubt that He gave me the remodeling plans in my mind and on paper many years ago of what we experience today. That’s God!

It is all in the way you look at things. While this is not the best, it is not the worst either. Not what I expected in a relationship or of a marriage but I am sure not for him either, perhaps.

80FFD5B4-11F9-4333-9D19-F053E5DDD2C2There is a lot of muddy water under the bridge but the bridge still stands as the storms of life tossed me for a loop many times and the thought of jumping over was considered at times. I don’t want to remain stuck in life expecting what will never be so I have and will walk forward and take care of me, which I have been doing. I cannot change the past or him and he has no desire to change.  I am only responsible for myself, my health and my happiness. I can truly say in that revelation, I am happier today.

Just as the Lord gave me remodeling plans years ago, I have to trust Him for remodeling plans for the future. For now, Strangers in the House is my theme song, which makes me smile, at times. Sometimes, cry.C0B26AA3-8A90-4209-98FF-2D17103F61A1

This is my story, we all have one and we all go through tough periods in life. No matter what decision is made, stay or go, run away or just give up in hopelessness, I do believe the Lord will get us to where we are each to be in life. We may hinder the process or change the route of God’s Will in our life, but it is no surprise to Him. Still, He knows where we are. That’s God!

Just this past week, dealing with some issues, I never thought this or said before, but he deserves happiness, too. We both do. Perhaps this is a step I needed to get to and feel hope of our future.

We have to trust the Lord, through the tears or in the smiles, sometimes with a mask. That’s faith!

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Timeline & Tears

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Many years ago, well back in 2014-15 actually, which seems like forever ago, my counselor then had me do a timeline of my age, as early as I could remember. Strangely enough, I do remember a lot, even as far back of holding a cold glass baby bottle of milk in my hands. Why would they give toddlers glass baby bottles? Yes I am old and thankfully we have come a long way. Still today, if I do drink really cold milk in a glass, it takes me back to that time. Perhaps it was hot and the coldness was refreshing for me as a very young little girl.

Memories can pop up in the feel as a cold glass of milk, a smell of a perfume or the aroma of a cigarette reminding me of a Dutch Masters cigar, my dad would smoke, just out of the blue, perhaps a sound of a old song often heard growing up or just feeling the breeze blowing and going back in time. CBE0E364-DFC8-49B1-81A1-F4D23822BC5DIt’s fun and nice as well as relaxing, like a mini vacation by taking in that moment of time.

Of course, there are always those other times and memories that we would rather forget.

In the good and even the bad, it brought us to where we are today.

So with the timeline she had me do, I started another recently, as I need some further clarification of my past. Connecting the dots, as they say.

4682BC64-8BD3-4E45-AE94-CB93BB6CF8FECrazy enough, I have kept a lot of my planners and journals throughout my life. I always felt I needed to. Perhaps this is the time, for that very reason. It sounds like I am a hoarder but I am not, as I do not like clutter. I do know how to organize though and how to make space more efficient.

As I go through my papers and now file by year, breaking down my path, it has made those memories of certain years bring up emotions within me. The other day, it was anger. Today, grief was at an all-time high. I know all of this would not be a surprise to my former counselor, but we just did not get to this place and time together.

I try not to read my notes too much but just the dates in order to file for the timeline. Sometimes I do read a bit here and there and it takes me down a rabbit hole of despair and depression. I can’t go there yet. Today, just the dates in my planners brought up memories, as if they were yesterday. I really don’t know how I handled everything in 1995, mind-67F5D09A-01AC-4292-B95C-7CDF3B20E473boggling. There is a purpose in this madness but this is only a step forward, as I know timing is everything.

Spending a little bit of time here and there going through my years of memories written down, I am not constantly putting myself through torment. I can walk away for a day or so to process what I did read. I need a break, more than a few days, after today. It’s okay!

At times though, just in the brief time already, it felt like I was digging in the trenches and the mud is covering me and keeping me stuck. Although, I feel the sun shining upon me also, giving me joy and hope. A mix of it all but moving forward with answers and hopefully healing within.7DC359AF-581A-44CD-B515-154169919735

There is a purpose and a plan with it all, always has been, and it will by the Grace of God, come into fruition. Through it all, He knew my name and He always knew where I was. That was my hope then, now and the tomorrows before me. In the end, the Lord will get the glory of what He has done and is doing in my life.

 

While this is my timeline, you have one, too! He has a plan and a purpose for each of us. We my detour but even with that, He will get us to where we are to be.

If God places a desire in your heart then it’s a part of his plan, which means he has plans for it. … He will give you his plans to accomplish the desire that he has placed in your heart.