This may not make sense to anyone but me. I have come a far distance and it feels good and feels right. Time does make a difference. Healing within and understanding of oneself is liberating. Is my life perfect and have it all together? Not a chance.
It is knowing I am not where I once was and I am still evolving.
One day, which is the next step, I will see my former therapist of four years. Her leaving due to medical reasons and not formally telling me, I was at a loss, her office sign is down and is no more, in 2018. My world was rocked off its axis.
Dealing with abandonment prior to her leave, then experiencing full-blown abandonment, as a true, full-blown assignment, my heart was broken. Anger ripped my insides up while tears flowed on the outside. The question I repeatedly said, was one word, WHY?
Of course, it was medical but why not personally touch base. This ‘why’ screamed within me for years.
It has since silenced. It’s not that important anymore. How is that? I still don’t know the why. There’s a peace and I like it.
Time does in fact heal. Forgiveness of the other but also of oneself is freedom, no matter what situation.
All the negative feelings and thoughts have subsided and it is kind of shocking. How will I react when we do meet while shopping or in public I often wonder.
It would be nice to see her and hug her. I’m forever thankful for our times together years ago but I want this to be a coming together somehow on the same ground level as friends. Not her as my therapist or me as her client. That is no more. It’s Us. Funny, I think she would understand this of me, as she was good like that.
That’s the next step, our running into each other. I would like that.
I found myself the other day feeling the loss of many in my life, but not in death basically, but out of reach. Our relationship will never be the same and our paths may never cross again.
Honestly, I have had to fight through the anger when this has happened. Anger with the Lord. Why? Why are you removing them from my life. I feel so alone. I miss them. I don’t do well with change and feeling abandoned tops the chart in my emotions. Lord, why is this happening as I am alone already?
Through the last few years, more losses but now I try my best to grasp that even though another leaves, the Lord is still with me. It is that knowing deep within that He will never leave nor forsake me. I know that but I am human, too. Loss is hard. I miss them even before they are gone.
Saying goodbye to another just this week, due to his family moving to Arizona, a loss. Odds are I will never see or speak to him again. Our paths crossed. I’m thankful. This happens all the time and I am sure with you, one moves, one retires, one is sick, etc., but they all accumulate to where a sadness develops, as you miss them and the relationship.
The other day, thinking over all of those that I have lost, just in the last five years, I was sad and selfish and wanted to have a poor me, pitiful pity party. I did not do so but I felt it coming. To remind myself, I was blessed to have them in my life for the period that I did was truly a blessing. I hope that I blessed their life in some way.
As I write this, I thought about my former counselor and her last note to me about being a stepping stone in my life. While I understood that from her, I was devastated our time was done too soon, as we just talked about having one more year in counseling together. I was angry with her and reading those words she wrote and even angry with the Lord. I was not done, my dependency on her was still needed, I thought and of our plans. We were making so much progress. Just the visual of a stepping stone and her writing that to me, I wanted to pick that stone up and smash it into smithereens. No matter, it was over and done. I’m just a closed file in her filing cabinet.
As for being angry with the Lord, it is okay and it is okay to scream that you are angry, you may even hate Him at that moment, as He let you down, too. He knows it anyway. Actually, it’s freeing to do just that, scream. Go ahead.
I have had to wonder nowadays if I hear from another person in my life, calling or telling me of whatever is happening in their life and of their situation, and they will be leaving me, too. Am I putting up a wall to avoid such hurt or am I just accepting the fact that nothing or nobody is permanent in my life. Perhaps reluctant to be friends because they might leave. Is this reality or a cold-hearted feeling I have anymore. Dealing with abandonment in my life, this really knocks me off kilter. Please don’t leave me! A part of me is that I understand, and I really do. There is also a part that throws a temper tantrum, fine go ahead and leave me. The sensible, understanding adult and the anxious, fearful child fighting within.
Thankfully, in time I get it together as change and loss is hard. Even through the dark, lonely and emotional stages it all brings, I know I am not alone. Even though I was angry with the Lord, I know He loves me still and I Him. I can share my broken heart yet again but yet again be reminded, He is right here with me.
Like the sweet church song we sing, ‘I don’t know about tomorrow but I know who holds my hand.’ In life we are faced with many losses and situations we don’t know which way to turn, our steps are unsteady, our faith is wavering and we finally throw up a white flag, surrendering our need and call upon the Lord.
In those midnight hours or when you or I feel so alone, people have left our lives and no hope in sight, there is One that we can call out to and He hears our cry and sees our tears while collecting them. How sweet and caring is that?
So I have learned through my losses, I am sad and tears will flow while grief is present. I am not to build a wall to not be hurt again, as I will be, but to accept and wish them well on their journey. Hopefully, I was a stepping stone in their life as they were in mine.
A loss is great but the Love of God is even greater!
May you feel His Love all around you in whatever you might be facing or going through. You are going ‘through’ so have hope because He knows your name, He knows where you are right now, and He knows where you are going. Be Blessed
I find that childhood issues can wreck havoc even in a grown adult, me. I have heard that many times. Or the phrase, adult problems are childhood issues. Still, understanding after many years of counseling of childhood issues and childhood emotional neglect, just to name a couple. Well how about rejection and abandonment, too. I still get triggered and a panic felt within as I want to just cry, but I freeze. I recognize this more so because my voice gets lower and somewhat shaky when trying to remain calm so the one I am talking to will not notice, but inside I am falling apart.
Last week, due to the pandemic, I had a telephone appointment with a nurse practitioner, which I actually like and may prefer this type of appointments. It was when she wanted to refer me back to a Endocrinologist, as she has been treating me, I thought we were doing just fine. While I understood, I was feeling as if she did not want me anymore and with that suggestion, feeling the effects of rejection and abandonment yet again in my old age. It’s like a, ‘What the Heck‘ response. It took me a bit to get over, as I went down the rabbit trail of which it brings forth within me. I even asked her because I knew how it was affecting me in this call, Do you not want me anymore? Of course, she does but perhaps a specialist might need to step in as my blood work is off since a thyroidectomy years ago.
Anyway, with that and then thinking back of my former counselor leaving for medical reasons, I took that upon myself for a bit as it was my fault or that I did not help matters with my issues dumped on her. Wondering if I gave her burnout. I do realize that is not so and plus she needed to take care of herself if that was the case. The whole ordeal with her leave was horrendous for me, I felt totally abandoned while we were actively discussing abandonment, so I saw this in a whole new light and degree. I have written many blogs of my time with her and now of no longer her client due to closing her office. In this scenario, feeling she did not want me anymore.
I was thrown out to the wolves. I mentioned to her when walking me to the door actually in my last, unknowingly last appointment, just that. Requesting she not walk me to the door, throwing me out to the wolves with a quick kick on my backside of get out. I know that was not truth but the enemy within my mind wanted me to think so in order to keep me down, feeling unworthy and good for nothing. I hate the feeling of not being wanted, unliked, unloved or just rejected.
To pinpoint exactly when this made a profound mark on my life of feeling not wanted, I doubt I will ever know unless it was my actual birth. I was an oops baby, I know that. Seven years my mom thought she was done having children and then I appeared. It makes one feel all warm and fuzzy inside (sarcastic tone). Perhaps that was it or later, but I can tell you how often I felt this way, which was all of my life. The lingering effects can also bring shame, feeling unlovable and asking myself what is wrong with me.
Had it not been for my time in counseling to understand such matters, I would not be writing this. Many aha moments came in those four years of understanding me, finally.
I have learned also, in this instance or others, that if I experience these thoughts and feelings, others do, too. Many times as we go through such we feel alone, as nobody would understand or would want to take time to listen and care. I am not alone. There are many that could say, “Me, too!”
Do you not want me? This has played out enough in my life that I hate feeling all the entangled emotions. It feels as if my heart drops in despair.
Whether it be my own family, friends, co-worker, counselor, Doctor, etc., even if they do not want me, I have to know and remember the One who does want me.
The Lord loves me. He wants only the best for me. He is my ALL those listed in One, to me. His love is all I need to be concerned about and when I make myself stop and remember just that, there is peace and love from Him to lift my spirits up and be happy.
So whether it is me or if you can relate and question if loved and wanted, just stop and realize and acknowledge that you are loved and you are wanted.
As those that believe and trust in the Lord, that He helps us and will lead us through life, but knowing there are those that don’t, and no doubt He has the same question, “Do You Not Want Me?”
Abandonment fear often stems from childhood loss. This loss could be related to a traumatic event, such as the loss of a parent through death or divorce. It can also come from not getting enough physical or emotional care. These early childhood experiences can lead to a fear of being abandoned by others later in life.