Afraid to Look

C7537AAC-939A-418A-A6EA-7986FF102360Theres a blog, there’s a Facebook page.  There are articles left and right, at a touch of a key, and I can find what I need. Although I am afraid to look, see and read.

The triggers within me of yet feeling more abandonment will scream loudly and I feel fear even considering. If I read something that hits me hard, panic sets in and fearful I’ll go deeper in the hole of depression.  Grief is real, whether in a death or a loss.  324FC750-C70A-4D50-BC9A-5D57AC9029C5

I want to read, just to know she is there as it will bring calmness to the chaos of worry within. But yet, I don’t want to be hurt if I read something again that causes pain or emotions to come.  I really have nobody to understand, or to help me understand myself.

So, I ignore and go about my day knowing I am still struggling and that healing is far from me, it feels.  What happened in my childhood to cause this continuous loop of attachment in others within me?

Just as the last post I read from my counselor, now many, many weeks ago, it was if she wrote that for and about me. What do I do?  It left me with thoughts and questions that remains swirling inside my head.

Do I face my fear head on and read and open up perhaps a flood of feelings?   Or do I give myself grace as I still feel grief of losing her still and let it all be?   I really miss my counselor.  I miss having somebody to listen to me and feel like she understood me. Why can’t I just forget her?  I am even afraid to find another because I don’t want to give up on her, hoping she will be back.  Then I wonder has she given up on me. BC9F1D4C-8A4B-4BCC-BD2C-E747C74735C5

The holidays do not help.  I’m ready to get past Christmas although it’s the most wonderful time of the year. Right?

Feeling lonely and sad as abandonment and attachment issues slaps me in the face over and over, as the old adult as I am and just like in childhood. Will it ever end?  What happened to me?

Thankfully, the Lord knows my name and He knows where I am.   He is all I have.

But still…D57503A7-24CB-4AC1-87BB-9A0FA5D7DD86

 

Will It Be The Same?

7AAFC4E5-79AB-41ED-BBA6-1AFE3F659166As I get through some days and adjust to how it is and will be for awhile without my counselor, that has been a part of my life the last four years, I wonder and I ponder if and when we would start back up if it will be the same.

Odds are, no.  While that saddens me, perhaps I realize that I have grown more than I thought with our counseling sessions.  Four years on a weekly and sometimes twice a week, that is a lot.  Or is it that I am fearful that she will abandon me yet again.  I don’t know.   Time will tell and perhaps a counseling session or two, if it happens, I will know.  I really miss her though.  Today, I know I must go forward with or without her.  While I don’t like that, I know some people cross our paths for just a time.

I am adjusting and understand that the attachment I have toward her and the feelings of abandonment is from my childhood totally.   Something happened or perhaps over and over again to where I did not cling to my mother or my family but escaped in my own little world of independence.  I did not depend upon them for physical love.  Sadly, I do not remember a hug from anybody while growing up.  Unless you consider the half hug, stating this is my baby, while drunk.  No thank you, I’d rather do without.  My thought then, is if this is the only time that you can show me love, I’m not interested.  Sad.

Our family was large and with me being the youngest of seven siblings, seven years apart from my sister, that is a case for chaos in a child’s mind and emotional state.  Everyone was too busy with their lives, only to recognize and remind me that I am the baby.

93E817D3-0B87-40E3-9883-753E9C6C9734How many times have I heard, she’s the baby, she gets everything, blah, blah, blah.  Perhaps so because I was left while they all went about their lives, but I also got the short end of the stick.  I lived through some things they did not, such as the fighting, drunkenness, wreckless driving, to name just a few.   They will never know of all that and those situations because for one, they won’t believe me and another they still will not take to care.

Fear all around at a young age and nobody to share that with is tormenting and causes one to close in on themselves.  Never would I speak of things to a school counselor or a teacher, for that matter.  Nobody knew.

So for me to be drawn to my fifth grade teacher at a time of  growing and heading into puberty, I needed a role model and it was her as she was dressed well, jewelry, shoes, clothing matched.  I watched her every move in order to learn proper etiquette.  A beautiful woman she was and still is today.

With her, I became obsessed.  Living on the opposite side of town, I could see her house when driving down the highway.  Just to see a light on, it calmed me.  I was able to escape my lonely world as a child and going into hers wondering what she was doing, imagining a conversation between us, thrilled that a light was on because I knew she was home and near, etc.  There would be no connection between us then, except at school, but just the fact she was there, a light was on, I felt peace.  I never could understand why.

The little 1 x 1 school picture that I carried of her and looked at often gave me a sense somebody cared for me.  This teacher never knew any of this, probably just knowing I liked her, as students do, but truthfully she helped me grow up and understand what I wanted to portray in life.

Others have come and gone in my journey and to see a pattern, they are all teachers, nurses or hold a position in a company.  Each one I did about the same but usually became more friends with them as I become older and that was even better because I could talk and ask questions and learn from them.  Some of these special women have moved, our 0E8E6586-CCB7-4F5E-9E2E-6CFDF560210E close, crossed paths ended but still we still remain friends, and sadly a couple have passed.  I will always be thankful for their place in my life  because each one, I grew from and they showed me care, concern and love.

Then there are a hand full of others that were like mother figures to me and a few overlapped in role model.  I needed each of these to grow and receive love I never had in life growing up.

It was not that I wasn’t loved but I was never shown love or did they take time to know me.  I was just there.   While I remember asking my Mom if I was an oops baby when I was seven or eight and the question dismissed, I now truly believe I was.  That’s rough, even as a adult to accept.  B2FEE073-85E2-41D9-81A5-4041D85C0695

With all those that held a role-model and mother-figure, place in my life and heart, it boils down to that they took time to know me, to care and show me love in hugs.   Those hugs were like blood that flows through our bodies, they brought life and hope to me.  I felt special to them.  I needed those hugs.

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As with time and separation of each, it causes a void but I understand that they were in my life at that time for a purpose then.   Unless they have passed, I am still in contact with them but not as often.  The fond memories remain and hugs come when we meet.

Where would I be without them?  I don’t know but I am so thankful they were and are a part of my life.

Still, the ones that held and hold this place in my heart and I feel an attachment to, I still look for the light on.

My counselor, knowing she is on a leave of absence, her sign is still on the window at her office.  That brings me peace as I drive by,  as she is still present to me by seeing this while having no contact.  Attachment, my survival mode, yet again.  If and when that sign comes down, I may fall to pieces for a bit, as my world will feel chaotic and abandonment hits once again.  I dread that day.

99D74B0C-30FB-4A3C-9FD8-BC683664F4BFIt is interesting how a young child can go into a survival mode to help with abandonment, attachment issues and childhood emotional neglect… and continues but understanding nowadays why.

Thankfully, I had a counselor to help me understand all this and make sense of the chaos from childhood to adulthood.  Even between us, she understood me and the attachment issues, I felt.  To be heard and understood brings healing.

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Words Etched Within

Being one that never heard ‘I Love You’ ever in my life by my parents or family members, I find that I freeze when I do hear those words from others and especially someone that I look up to, usually in a motherly role to me. Whether it be shock or just trying to burn them in my mind so I never forget and hold onto, for when I need it.

I never could understand this whole scenario that I do until just the last several years. The abandonment and attachment issues I felt growing up left a big void within my life. I recognize that now thanks to my Counselor. While that little girl in me, attaches to motherly influences, and only a select few get that honor, but I can now stand back and figure out why it is happening.

Sometimes I just ponder what it would have been like in life to hear those words growing up. Perhaps I hear and appreciate the words more now and know the difference in true, heart-felt words spoken from another’s mouth that came from their heart. So many times I hear those words just thrown around, as in saying have a good day or see you later. I want the one-on-one, maybe with a hug or holding my hand and if on the telephone, a hesitation and those words spoken to me of I Love You. I want them to profoundly affect my heart and remain in my memory bank.  4fcdd5d3-8f9b-4942-81fd-1259c34d01a5-46610-000030d3db8f9d52

Those moments, I find that I write them down with a date in order to re-read them over and over in case I feel that they never were said. Did that really happen, were they really said or am I making it up pretending I heard ? If more recent, I find I repeat them often out loud in the moments I need reassurance, or just to remind myself that they were actually spoken…to me.

Being one of not receiving love spoken or shown in life but just knowing I was loved and cared for, because my goodness I am their child and/or a family member, it makes you grow up wondering and doubting what love really is and what it feels like.

Having two children, that is as close as I know what love is, as they are my life. Being married, I thought that was love until broken and hurt although I care, but it’s limited. A broken heart is hard to mend even though forgiveness comes and there is peace. The heart still aches with much hurt and reluctance to ever trust or love again. Leaving me with a doubt of love that emerges yet again, as a child and I just exist.

Recently, I had somebody say to me, and she was one that ended up in my select few, but said, ‘I care for you and I love you.’ I froze. Typical in the flight/fright/freeze mode that happens with childhood emotional neglect and abandonment issues also. In this instance and the quietness on the telephone afterward, I was questioning my hearing from this person’s words, which took me by surprise. I did not know whether to laugh or cry from shock. Totally not expected from her.

Those words, I wanted them etched in my brain to hold onto. Will my heart truly feel them or ever believe them? With her knowing me so well, she even asked if I would. As I repeat them over and over, even today, there is a shock within. I smile and at times I cry rehearsing those words spoken to me. Help me to believe and feel the care and love, Lord.

Even with the Lord, I know He loves me. I know He has His Hand upon me. The older I get, seeing how He has led and directed my path so far and has blessed me, how can I not believe He loves me. He is all I have sometimes, a lot of times. Still, I question His Love at times, too. I have to believe and know because I know He Loves Me. Faith.6e0d8cd0-2f1e-4d79-8aa8-34b217eb52c1-46610-000030d40413c920

So many people need to know that they are cared for, to be encouraged and to know they are loved. There is a lot of hurting people out there around us with masks on pretending all is well when behind the mask, they are falling apart. How do I know? I have worn that mask all my life.

Childhood emotional neglect and all the crazy, mixed up things that are tied with it can wreak havoc on the young and having lasting effects on the grown ups. They just want and need to feel sincere love.

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Now What?

632BA1E3-A01A-44A2-9445-6602D14F413BWhat do I do?  Where do I go?

Today, after four years of weekly counseling visits, sometimes two, of course minus vacation weeks by my counselor or sickness of either one of us, has ended.  It has been long, hard, insightful and an investment that I would do all over again.

It was meant to be that I found her at the time in my life. I was going down and going fast.  The Lord directed my steps and used her to help me. Forever, I will be grateful.

Now, I am faced moreso after basically an exit telephone call due to some health issues for her.  I’m lost!  The abandonment and attachment that has been with me as a child, which has been a part of our client/counselor relationship, knowingly and us working through, but no more.  What do I do? 63C482A4-D2AB-4C58-87D0-441F1E36ED5E

The thought of starting and being encouraged from her to find another, I feel a dread within.  It’s exhausting to break in another counselor.  I don’t want to rehearse my past.  Is it possible to highlight but move forward in healing or will the new one want to know all the good, bad and the ugly to bring me back to where I am today?   Then, what if they leave?  Abandoned yet again.

Its crazy to know I need a new counselor to deal with my last counselor but the grieving process is overwhelming at times.  While some may not understand, realize that this woman has been a part of my life for four years.  We both invested in one another.  Things we have discussed, only God knows besides her.  That’s huge!

I felt closer to her than my own siblings. While they love me, they don’t know me. Never did.  I truly have been blessed but now I walk blindly trying to know what to do. Lord, put another Christian Counselor, as you did before, in my path so I can continue on my journey and heal from the hurts within.

My heart will forever be thankful but for the time being, it hurts. 735B543F-5162-4B9A-8619-1C1B439882F5

 

Tears Behind the Mask

Today, wanting to drop to the floor and cry like a baby at times, I must endure and put on a smile and deal with work, people and just life itself. Coming back from lunch, I sat in the car to get myself together and basically adjust my mask, it is just part of my routine in life.

So many times, my counselor mentioned the mask that I have worn for years, which puts a barrier up between me and my vulnerability with others to be lacking. Perhaps I just don’t get it. If I took off my mask all the times I hid the tears and wailing I feel within, I can only imagine what others may think. Lock her up, she is losing it. If they only knew, I really was and am. Today is no different. The waves of emotions I feel are overwhelming at times. I am just trying to keep it together.

Finding this pic and quote today, is so true. Nobody at my church for years knew I was hurting and dying inside from depression. Discernment is a rare commodity. When others mentioned after I did drop the mask and share, so many said that they never knew and that I was a good actress. Apparently, I was!

Actually, there are some that I do not want to be vulnerable with and share my true self with. That is an honor to get to know me, not that I am anyone special but I believe we we have a say and we all have a part that we want to share with others. Make sense? I feel I have come a long way with this mask thing but there is a time and a place to let your guard (mask) down and to wear it.

As I fight back the tears, my breathing halts from the outburst I have felt so many times. No telling how many brain cells have died from just this habit I exhibit that nobody sees or feels. They would not want to feel the pain I have within.

Don’t we all have pain though? To some extent, we are all going through something and that is why we need to show mercy and grace to one another. We do not know what one another is going through. Do we?

“The LORD is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18

Tears Overtake Me

4C2B3ECF-B61E-4592-B245-D5D66989A2FEI have strength to get through this hurdle that is before me and the next moment tears are rolling down my face in sadness.  My life has been turned around yet again.  Loss after loss.

54C87143-A31A-4BC1-9280-F46EE037CCD0Not necessarialy in death, as that is another whole grief that presents itself.  Still, it’s grief.

I have many friends and acquaintances but my true, deep friends live a million miles away, in seems.  These are those that I have entrusted my personal life into and they into me.

One had moved several years ago to Arizona and we keep in contact quite regularly by text, almost daily.  So in essence, I can make believe she is still near until the loneliness of our face-to-face togetherness is not possible. to meet up.

My other dear friend, that I met in Sunday School many years ago lived about an hour away and we would get together almost monthly to shop and eat.  For some reason, her and her husband thought it would be a good idea to move closer to their son and the hospital where  he was having Cancer treatment.  Did they ask me?  Certainly not.  How dare them.  I joked through this with them but I took it hard.

The time came and the going-away party happened, moving trucks hauled their possessions several states away and I am left.  While I was happy, and sad, for them, I did not realize how much this affected me until weeks and months later.  I am like an alone, lost puppy dog.

While adjusting to what it is, we have managed to pull the texts together moreso and it helps.  The moving and settling in has eased and now there is time for me.  It’s all  about me, right?

Of course, I have other people in my life, it’s just not them,  the connection and closeness.

Getting over all that and feeling a sense of order once again, I get hit with a harder blow this week.  My wonderful counselor is taking an immediate leave of absense.  Now what do I do?

I get a grip and then I lose the grip and tears fall like Niagara Falls.   Lost at sea and feeling the turbulent waters all around me.

Bringing it back into reasoning, I know she has invested in me and my life, so much.  While I know that and comprehend all the wisdom, knowledge, advice and care, my mind explodes thinking we are not done.  I need to know this, that or another.  OMG!

There was stability and routine, as I met weekly or at times twice a week with her.  Again, I feel alone and lost. Deep down, I know there is a plan but fear is always lurking around to discourage my very being.

Thankfully, I know when the tears fall and my mind goes haywire over my loss(es), showing me the pit of despair I feel, The Lord is always there.  I will get there but it seems it takes forever.  No matter what, He will never leave me nor forsake me.  Remind me Lord!

I am blessed to have two Godly friends, one in the East and one in the West.  To have a woman of God as my Christian Counselor for years, I have been truly blessed.

Today, taking a break from finishing this and going to church, the message was on point.  Goodness and Mercy go before me.  His Mercy will hold me through this emotional pain, only if I allow Him and remove my pride to control and remain in this and trust Him.  He is there for me.  I must depend upon Him.  Only through Him can I get through, not my counselor, although she is awesome and very dear to me; not even my friends or any other.  He is the One.  Again, remind me over and over.

On my drive home, thinking of my circumstances, what I just heard from my Pastor, years of wisdom in my counseling sessions, I feel I am again dealing with abandonment.  Realizing that, I am just glad I know what it is, where before when I was left or felt alone, I did not.  My counselor invested a lot of time and her wisdom into me, now to use and practice solo.

So as this hits and usually hits hard and the tears flow, I notice what I am telling myself, what emotions, how it affects my body in my breathing and my body posture and bodily sensations and get a handle on it instead of freezing in a fear/panic state.

To freeze in a fear state, I have done that all my life and it comes so natural.  Knowing she did not leave on purpose or because of me but due to health issues.  Realizing all of this, it is like a mama bird pushing her baby bird out of the nest.  Don’t like it.  Don’t like it one bit but here I am, it’s time to fly.

Lord, remind me over and over again that YOU will NEVER leave me.

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Left Untold

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The untold story will wreck havoc on a family so in denial.  Where to even begin.  Is it a book that is written in annomity or by fact?

Kind of reminds me of the book, The Help.  You know the characters but you have to surmise and wonder.

That’s where I am.  Where to begin.  I have bits and pieces all around me in notes, actual chapters of how and what went down but putting them all together and tying it together, is yet another thing.

We can all write a book probably and I sometimes think why would I want to add another to the shelves that are way more popular and exquisite than mine would be.  Still, I have an untold story that just may bring hope to another.  Or at least add to some juicy gossip.

Who knows what will transpire but if it is meant to be, it will.

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