Grouchy Pants

FA346EA7-B58A-495C-990F-C9202005B752Some days, don’t you just want to scream and really say what you want? Restraint is required many times. Right? Thoughts of saying what I want runs rampant all the while biting my tongue or afterward wishing I said this or that as I replayed the situation over and over in my mind.

How is it that others feel they can give me their two cents, their thoughts and opinions about me but if I do the same, I am considered rude, stubborn, grouchy, etc.?

22F808B3-4E7B-441E-A5DD-ED891DBA85DAIt drives me absolutely insane. Just this past weekend, while walking, I had some major pain in my right leg. This happened recently, too, when walking a 5K. I did not know what was happening and 8D7C2148-9F50-4BCF-A2F3-7327EA1E99B3even wondered if I was having a stroke. While trying to remain calm while in pain, I flexed my right arm, twisted my mouth, talked just to see if I could and made sense. Everything seemed fine, it was just my whole right leg. I thought I would not make it to the finish line. Just let me sit down on the bridge and come get me is about what I wanted to say to my friend I was walking with, as the pain was beyond what I thought I could cope with. I had to mentally focus on the finish line while physically I wanted to give up.  We were not as close as I wanted to be but I made it. I was so happy to cross the finish line, somewhat limping. Maybe it was just stress built up from what I just endured the two weeks prior and my whole leg got the blunt of the pain. I never had this pain before when walking, ever.

I have learned through life, that in the pain, no matter what kind, you have to push through sometimes but it definitely alerts you, something is not right.  45F73FE1-A752-488B-BB94-F146586EA889

So when this happened yet again, I knew I had a problem. My acupuncturist was able to see me the next day so with the needles he had in hand, I was the pin cushion but a welcomed relief.

It was the following day when I went to my chiropractor. I was telling him of my situation. I tried to tell him about it while I explained the pain. While I was sitting on his table, moving my hand, just a quick pattern of the pain down my leg. I stopped and kept my hand on my leg while we discussed the possibilities. He informed me his thoughts. He remarked of E808FBD1-90C5-4066-9D87-B90FE9A4F83Dwhere my hand landed on my leg, just resting, which was on my shin bone area, as I continued to talk. He proceeded telling me where ‘my pain’ was at, since my hand was there. No! I tried to explain further that the pain was not my shin bone (shin splints), but I found myself frustrated with him discounting my pain. Usually when I get to this point, I will reply with never mind and move on, I quit trying to explain myself.

As I was lying on the heat, therapy table after my adjustment, he asked me why I was so grouchy. What? Saying that I am usually not that way and I was taken aback. While lying there, I apologized but thanked him for calling me out on it, if I was grouchy. We joked later but still, it bothered me, but why I wondered.08AB86AA-96B5-47F6-B9EC-C26FBC518058

When I left, got in my car to drive away, thinking about the situation that just transpired, I realized I felt he did not listen to me, he was convinced that he knew where and what my pain was but not validating my feelings in this pain that I was trying to express. All because my hand was laying on my leg where it did. Anyway, he did not listen or hear me or even care to, as he had the answer and even disregarded what my acupuncturist had to say. It triggered a response that I would have had as a child and even throughout my adulthood. When I say never mind or whatever, I am so done. My thoughts or what I have to say means nothing so I would shut up and I did just that with him. What is the use in trying to make another understand or realize what I was experiencing. Just save my breath. I had nothing more to say and odds 956E249B-7CF6-483F-A777-FBF266D34A79are, I will not bring up the pain in my leg from walking again, unless he asks. I was triggered, which made me shut down, having no voice. I recognized it instead of holding that grudge and being mad for hours or days. This was something that I dealt with all my life. I do have a voice and instead of shutting down, I should have just expressed that he was not hearing me, actually I do try and tried in this situation, but I have learned there is no use. So to him, I was grouchy.

Why do others feel as though they can call me out and call me names but I don’t dare do that to them?

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Even though my chiropractor did not hear or listen to me, I know the One that does listen to me, He knows of what I am dealing with and He understands me, even though this triggered me more than I liked. In the many times throughout my life when it happened, I would shut down. Do not think that I did not tell the Lord that what just happened, hurt and upset me. He knows my heart.

We all have times when we get hurt, not heard or we are misunderstood. Life… it happens! I am not perfect, I have hurt others in the same way, too. I think just recognizing how fast this all happened and that I recognized the trigger and did not get all bent out of shape. I was happy, thinking counseling has helped me to understand and to cope. Progress!

We each have a mind and a voice, even though it is sometimes lost in the chaos of life. What matters is our trust in the Lord and that He knows us better than anyone (better than we know ourself) and our faith must be in Him. Everything else will fall into place. Trust Him!

 

Jesus was misunderstood. He was perfect and righteous, yet He was still misunderstood by people. If He was misunderstood, I totally will be too. Yet He seemed to seek love above all, not understanding.

When You are Feeling Misunderstood

Is Grouchiness a Mood?  “Although it may feel this way, crankiness doesn’t “just happen,” especially if there’s no specific scenario leading to your cranky mood. These feelings of irritability and annoyance are usually a result of something going on inside your body.”

Validation: The Need to Know that You Matter

 

 

 

Invisible Me

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Our memories can run a mile a minute and mine did just that this morning. While reading a post written by another wife dealing with her husband’s Aspergers. With that and remembering myself years ago feeling the same, I could totally relate, in her saying, “I could not deal with being and feeling invisible any longer” so with her young child, she will leave the marriage. Of course, other issues were present but this one made me go back to a period that was just unbearable for myself. C7FC683F-16B3-4C97-B635-F41E30E36E6A

My boys were young, too, perhaps eight and ten. This one instance that is etched in my mind is one where we all left church to go get lunch at our favorite pizza joint.  As I remember, that whole morning and church service was uneasy. I would mention something and he would deny, like before, over and over. This was an ongoing dialogue between us. The craziness of that day in and day out was enough to tip me over the edge. Trust me, I wanted to jump many times, no tip needed. I stayed for my boys and dealt with the circumstances.

EC56EC75-49C9-4481-9718-9D487C1E7C85As the boys and my husband were enjoying the pizza buffet at the table, talking among themselves, I am sitting there being totally ignored. To remember, I feel and sense the sadness after all of these years still, just a lighter degree from then, thank God. I am eating and on the verge of crying but what good would that do? I sat there alone, emotionally distraught, feeling like a homeless person with my family. Exactly my feeling and I remember that thought so well, and the pain within.

A blanket of doom and gloom of this marriage was choking life from my body. This was about twenty years ago, as I write, and I had no inkling of Aspergers then or up until five years ago.

As I met with my former counselor who alerted me of Aspergers, that seemed to fall into the scope from my sessions, I felt the blanket lifted from me and the craziness that Aspergers can cause in a marriage relationship, which is a sad, lonely one. 37D69AF2-625B-4852-BC9B-01D6E0BC01BB

In our many sessions, of course, my childhood was discussed.  A lot of adult problems are unhealed childhood issues, which I have heard over and over again from my Pastor, in his messages. As a child living in an alcoholic home, not realizing it then as it was just my life, but I was present while I listened to conversations and observed my surroundings.  I remember my counselor commenting that it was interesting that I was invisible as a child and now as an adult in my marriage. I guess interesting although I understood what she was saying, more depressing than anything. I was invisible and had no voice.

Now, just recently, I did my two weeks, the eighty long hours required in clinicals for Phlebotomy certification, 53BB793C-649B-4518-ADF0-D6C80AB37DFDthe worst two weeks of my life. I remember a couple of times when I was alone in the lab office area, I held my hands up and moving like a Mime stating, am I invisible?  I did all I knew to do, and I am trying to help them and understand the process, as I was their legs to save them time but the training I should have had was weak in each of them, a waste of my time. When there was time to ask questions and time for them to explain this or that, they each had their nose in their cell phones. I was at a loss. I was being ignored, not trained properly and I felt invisible, yet again. Although now I know the role of being invisible, so I am there at this point to get my hours and required sticks, ignore me if you want. I am doing my time and I am out of there, just learning to hate a profession I thought I would enjoy.

So to read this mother’s woes of feeling invisible brought me this point of my writing.  Perhaps to remember what I came through and to treat others as they truly matter, that they are not invisible at all. Even the homeless matter. My heart is bigger knowing and feeling the pain that I dealt with and in that I do not regret what I have grown up with, my marriage and this past experience.

Each one of us need to be aware of those around us. We never know what they might be going through. Just a smile, costs you nothing, but can bring hope to a person who has none.

Thankfully, we are not invisible to God. He knows each of our names, where each of us are and the number of hairs on our head. Trust Him.

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She [Hagar] gave this name to the LORD who spoke to her: “You are the God who sees me,” for she said, “I have now seen the One who sees me.” That is why the well was called Beer Lahai Roi [the”well of the Living One who sees me”]. (Genesis 16:13-14)

Invisible