I Am Worthy

I Am Worthy!12BE7E16-A8D2-49AE-8B6F-B93188D0496F   You Are Worthy!

It has taken me years to get that in my thick skull to understand and feel I am worthy. I am sure I have wrote about this before, at some point.

At times regretting it took so long to get here but on the other hand, a relief that I am finally here. I am ME. The Lord knew me before I was even born, He had plans for me and what I was to face in life, never leaving me but loving me, just as I am.

25C9C74C-4032-4844-912D-F00358AAFA33So many times, I looked to others for my worth waiting for a compliment or to know they cared in some, small way or the hugs I craved. When received, my hope and worth in life became alive and joyful. Somebody cares for me. Sadly, short lived. The memories of that moment of high feeling that may last for days, comes down to trying to conjure up the memory or that same, sweet feeling and hearing words said directly to me. While I can remember, it is not the same. Sadness overcomes my soul for I need another fix. Somebody please tell me you care for me, hug me please as my mind is screaming, pat my arm so I can feel that touch again and burn it in my memory, I am desperate for connection.

I would never share those thoughts or words with anyone, always knowing I was desiring and screaming on the inside. In hopes one day, I would be loved by somebody and find my worth.

Thankfully, I had a counselor that heard the cries within and speaking of them with her, I no longer had to carry them alone. The Lord truly knew my heartache and allowed her to intervene. To share them brought embarrassment and shame but brought healing each time.

0917CC9A-78AD-4BC9-9154-22ED5C8E3B30The cage I was in of desperately wanting love and worth of others can only come from the Lord.  Releasing others from their attention and love that I required and hungered for only comes in small doses but receiving at times sometimes unexpectedly is so much sweeter.

I know without a doubt that joy, my sense of love, feeling special and worthiness is all from the Lord.554B51EB-EC85-4756-89E0-6041796A6FB7

When I don’t feel and know that within, my attention has wavered to people, not God. I always knew that deep down, but I thought it was easier to get and receive from those I can see and touch.

His Love is forever and ever.  It is where my love is focused upon that determines the outcome.

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Dumbfounded

F215FCA7-FBA6-4303-A3E8-0555B9025311Once upon a time…

All the good stories begin like this and what little girls (and boys) dream of but life happens and we just live, but not so happily ever after.

How many are just living but not really happy? That could be anyone, young, old, single, married, divorced.

flat editable vector illustrationJust today, I was reminded by the dumbfounded look I received when trying to mention a simple suggestion, not nagging, but found myself wanting to throw up my hands. I have had this look too many times through the years that makes me feel stupid. Either I am not verbalizing correctly or he is not understanding me. I give up, usually walking away with frustration and complaining under my breath.  My voice remains quiet as we exist under one roof, yet again. Not 316D7FC5-956D-4061-B755-963E4B9DC343worth losing my energy for such a draining moment that repeats each time. All I can guess is that this is just his Aspergers way of comprehending.  Lord, give me strength.

I know there are many marriages and relationships that struggle in one way or another. I have heard too much from many to believe otherwise. I am not alone. Even some people/couples that appear happy, write sweet posts on Facebook, sit on a church pew together and seem to have it all together.  Sad but happens.  Life happens.

I do know and have had to dig my heels in to keep going forward when at times I’d rather dig a hole and crawl in it to disappear, but I must keep my focus on the Lord.  He knows my name and He knows where I am.

So if you are reading this and just existing, know that the Lord loves you, He knows your name and He knows where you are. Trust Him in the process.

086A81D4-74F8-4A8D-ADCC-AEB2BD3F162ATaking care of you also is very important. You matter!

True happiness will only come with knowing the Lord and trusting Him. What happens day in and day out, and around you, happens. With all that, we must go to Him. Sometimes, asking Him what to do and for His Favor or if things went south, for His Forgiveness. I have been on both sides of that many times. His Grace and Mercy is forever.

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Thrown Out to the Wolves

2C082FB0-2E80-42E6-BB9B-CD20F2D371D6Due to many weeks of building construction and using a side door to get to my counseling session, now many months ago, it was exciting to watch the progress and new facelift of the building be revealed.   I enjoy renovations.

It was during this construction and after my counseling sessions, my counselor would walk me to the side door, which was nice of her to do although uncomfortable. Knowing that she had to unlock the door to let me out and re-lock once out, I got that.  Plus, I liked that she was secure in a now empty building.

For whatever reason though, each time we walked through the hallway to the exit and usually I am tagging behind her a couple of steps, I felt a sense of dread.

Our session was over, so just random everyday talk while walking was awkward.  I could talk to her about my life, what my weekend plans were, etc., but hers could muddy the water as her personal life is off limits unless she opened up, which was rare and I understand that, too.  Once when on the walk to the door, passing the main office, she said the office secretary was a friend.  I get that, I do, but just another part of me not accepted to be in her life as a friend, because I am a client, rejection hit my heart.

I would love to be friends with her but I need her expertise in counseling.  Still the walk to the exit of dread, knowing she is her friend, I am not, my emotions of sadness and even jealousy smacked me around for a bit.

Oh the dreaded walk.  After the second time, I knew I could not do that again.  To have a few extra minutes with her was nice but not either.  It is like a kick of her foot on my backside of saying get out when at the door.  Odds are a childhood feeling and my adult life of not being wanted and triggered.  Imagine that!

The one good thing was the last words I heard her say to 6B450AC9-995C-471D-AD57-2804572B05B5me at our last session.  As we were ending our session, at the door to once again do the walk, I stopped and asked her to not walk me out.  Give me a couple of minutes and then lock the door.  My explanation to her was that I felt like she was throwing me out to the wolves.  That is how I felt and I could not take that again.  Her reply was, hesitating but then with a smile and feeling pleased I feel was, ‘you are taking care of you.’  We parted ways never to see each other again.

As much as I miss her and our sessions, that was a good parting of ways.  I am glad that the moment was etched in my brain of this ending.  I am taking care of me and will continue.  I feel the Lord is healing broken places within me, and I want. 534CC35E-E7FB-4D02-9504-0C4DE6425A32

Even though situations in life can throw us through some memories to trigger the feelings within us and make us feel unwanted, rejected, bring sadness, and whatever else, it is then that we must know that the Lord will never throw us out to the wolves.  He loves us.

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Change on a Dime

Funny how things can change on a dime, as they say.  This day was going so well.  The sun was shining, my list of things to do being crossed off and everything was lining up and running like clockwork.  I was happy and ready to have some fun with a few days off work.

In a few short hours, it was the day I dreaded.  Driving over the back roads with my sister to go to dinner and a movie, I pass my counselor’s office who has been on medical leave.  Her signage has been removed and my heart just drops.

63B8434B-7309-49F6-913D-9DEEB59C1111I knew one day that this was a possibility but never hoping it would.  I had to pick up a prescription on our way and in just that short distance, the emotions within me could not be contained. Basically, a death has occurred in my life.  Flip flop from sadness to anger and back again.

Grief is such a pain, whether for the dead or the living, it sucks.  No movie, no dinner, no interest anymore. Done.

So many questions, so many loose ends but…177F9360-1487-40FC-A06B-EC6F46CC93A8

Big Ears

Little pitchers have big ears.

“Prov. Children like to listen to adult conversations and can understand a lot of what they hear. (Used to warn another adult not to talk about something because there is a child present.) I started to tell Mary about the date I had on Saturday, but she interrupted me, saying, “Little pitchers C4591558-7ADA-4119-9C48-6DBCCC7A618Fhave big ears,” and looked pointedly at her six-year-old daughter, who was in the room with us.”

Just that one look, numerous times told me as a young child I was in the way and not wanted.  I guess I could almost mind read at that age of get out, you are not welcome, you are in the way and so on and so on.

No wonder I felt rejected and unloved as a child.

472BC27F-D974-4405-B6AF-0AFA1D5EF953Years and years, those words rang over in my mind.  I always thought it was pictures on the wall, as pictures with faces have ears but it is a pitcher because the handle is shaped like an ear.  Go figure!  I just learned that today as I am typing this.

I am sure this was just a warning to the other adult but to a child, it held significance.

While there were times I heard the discussion being had, I don’t remember much.  Although at an early age, I knew that time was a private time usually between my Mother and another, giving advice or just listening to one vent and then the tears would come, Mom calling this time, having church.2424851A-CB4A-4EBF-8B58-12C04CA46657

With each of these church services, as they called it, I knew I was to not tell what I heard.  I learned early on to be private and not gossip, which is not a bad thing.

To this day, I feel that if you confide in me, that is locked in me not to share, ever.  A good quality.

Still, the fact of just now realizing those words and meaning caused great harm to me of feeling rejected.  To look back, I never once had a ‘church service’ as such, in that sense.

EFBA5469-BCD0-4202-B7AC-95C2BC54E40ANow, I understand it’s not pictures but pitchers.  Through many years of counseling on childhood issues, not just about this but it made a huge impact, more than I realized.

Today, I know that I am wanted, I am loved and I can heal from the brokenness within by God.  To deal with this today, and to understand and to know my place, healing can begin moreso and I welcome it.

I still struggle but understanding the root of the problem, I know He is doing a work in me.  I welcome God to heal the broken places within my heart. He loves me like no other.

If this can relate to you, He also loves you, please know you are worthy and He can heal your broken places within, too.  Trust Him!

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… Am I Special?

Numerous times through my life I get to this point of wondering, in a certain situations, plus I feel a panic within because I don’t feel special.  Those negative thoughts emerge of not feeling loved, etc.

Whether we are young or old, we all want to feel special and should make it a point of making others feel special.

fa8e3947-a071-4e73-a7f3-3c588c3d7ea9-495-00000017993225c5Knowing this is a childhood issue that seems to be on the verge of healing within me but still it just stops in a panic, as tears always begin rolling down my face.  I cannot get past this point.

Something caused this many, many years ago and here I am and it still stops me in my tracks.  What made me feel so bad back then?

All a little girl wants is to feel special and loved.  Apparently, at some point that died within me.  Existence became the norm.  I understand how to exist but love, there I am hesitant and question its validity.

The past few days, I have been reading a book, “Think This Not That” by Rita A. Schultz, LPC.   My counselor talked many times about the neurons that can be rewired within our brain so this was a book that I knew would be relevant and carry on her information.

I totally recommend this book.  Today though, I hit a section called Breaking Free.  This chapter dealt with shame, the meaning, what it is, how it affects us, etc.  At the Breaking Free section within the chapter on shame, it brought back a remembrance and I just broke.  Big, hot tears flowed.  I had to put the book down to take care of me and my emotional turmoil within. As I write this, the tears well up again and fall.

Shame causes much pain and heartache, not even knowing it.   I really was lost and unsure what shame was when I started with my counselor.  A wise woman, as my counselor, helped me to see so many things clearer and that of shame.  How did I get so old and not realize all those years, I have been dealing with shame-based lies and the torment is presents?  Thank God I had her in my life to help me.

Something happened but to pinpoint it today, is a mystery.   I do know the Lord is healing me and this is no mistake I am reading this book, too. Just a little deeper into the mire of shame that has been heaped upon my head as a child and carried through adulthood.

When the Breaking Free section I read, I remembered when my counselor and I talked last, before her leave of absence, she said to me and I wrote about it earlier, “I care for you and I love you.”54775180-765f-4786-b227-cee1e0ac83eb-495-0000001666283ad2

In my mind and like I have questioned others when they  have said such to me or similar and that is, “but… did you tell the others (clients, people, etc.) the same?   Knowing, if so, I can dismiss the heartfelt words as I am not special. Too good to be true!

Just that thought of questioning their care and love for me and the possibility it said or expressed to another/others, my heart sinks within.  I truly hate when that occurs within me, it’s like all hope is gone.

Please love me, make me feel like I am special to you.

Oh my heart wants to believe and know without a doubt that I am special, cared for and loved.

I do and I don’t and repeat, at times.

Funny, this book mentioned is basically about turning the thoughts around, as I was being taught and now reinforced.  Like, I am doubting of being special and loved.   To turn it around and rewire my brain, I must believe and tell myself that I know she (counselor, in this instance) does in fact care for me, how could she not love me and I know I am special to her.  This brings peace to my heart and soul. 7A858015-0E7E-434D-9386-A279EF302AFB

I like that and want to stay here.  Hoping that rewiring works!   So many times we have discussed such in counseling.  I do know she cares.  Seriously, how could she not love me after four years of sessions weekly or more.  I am special to her, as she is to me.

Knowing full well, she has to maintain her role as my counselor still while on leave.  There’s a boundary that must be maintained although I so miss her and our time talking.

Not just her, there is one that I also remembered today in the same situation.  Jan is a well-known figure in our area and she was like a mother figure to me, especially after my mother passed.  If it had not been for her, her hugs and all, my grief and dealing with other things in my life, my marriage dying also, I cannot imagine what I would have done.  Her care and love proved itself to me during those dark days of my life.

0E8E6586-CCB7-4F5E-9E2E-6CFDF560210EI do believe the Lord places people in our lives at the right time to get us through a path we are walking.  As for the counselor, I was not ready for that to end.  I felt abandoned.  Still dealing with that but to rewire my mind and know it was necessary of this leave for her, I know she still cares and probably wonders how I am doing.  I hope so, ant not forgotten.

With Jan, in her public role, she is thought of by so many and she loves everyone.  I had a hard time with that at certain points because I wanted to feel special to her.  How can she love them, she loves me.  The chaos that can bring in my mind was torment.  Again, somewhere in my childhood, this is left dangling and I was hurt.

Today, it is possible and I know that, to care for others.  It is just sorting this out.  Perhaps bringing me to the point of healing of a deep wound within.  I’m so open for that.

c7d7b775-af1a-45f4-aac1-4d4a08cac7c6-495-0000001cf5eb797bUnderstanding and seeing this pattern also, I have people that mean a lot to me, as I am well liked and I am very personable.  So I know it is possible.

It’s the WHY inside me that I need to feel special whether to my counselor or to Jan, just two as examples.  Why do I fall apart when I start questioning them?  Lord, show me!

Narrowing down, I want to know where the root is at and where and when it started and dig it out.  I desire healing of this hole in my heart and to be whole.

Most importantly, I know I AM SPECIAL TO GOD, that’s all that matters anyway. ❤️

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Once Was

Happy Anniversary LetteringThe day after!

I woke up earlier than need be after a restless night of sleep.  This time with the thought of my wedding anniversary, my 29th one that bypassed without a word the day before.  I’m okay with that although I found the day held a gloom over it. Sadness in my body of knowing what was, that has not been, that is not now or will ever be.

He is always good at giving me a card that is usually set out by my coffee pot, knowing I will see it there and sure enough there it was.  He’s very routine. The card acknowledged by me but dismissed.   I doesn’t matter anymore, it just brings sadness. I looked at the card, read it and placed gently back in the envelope and placed on my wire rack where an place cards received and mementos to show off, for just a period of time.  

Thankfully, as I read, he is broke from writing ‘I Love You‘ after all these years.  Those words written and read produced anger within me for years wondering how he just does not get it.   It was fourteen years ago that his words spoken to me in our counselor’s office, not my Counselor of present, and neither one of them thought anything or replied of my WOW comeback of shock, which was, “I don’t love her and I don’t think I ever did.” I was done, with both of them.

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How in the world was I to take those words and go on with being a wife, have sex and act as though we were happy.   My heart was crushed.  Plus ignored that night in counseling by both him and the counselor and then blamed that those words were taken out of context by him.  An apology never received but that I misconstrued his words.

Numb.  I was so numb which later turned to anger and hatred as the days, months and years numbered.  These words just added to the chaos I felt.  All these years with him and finding porn much earlier, which prompted the marriage counseling after much prodding on my part to bring him. How could all of this happen? To discuss issues was out of the question because he would turn away and avoid any confrontation so I was left to reel in this life of unhappiness of existence alone. The elephant in the room Syndrome and sweep it all under the rug.   

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Years passed after leaving this marriage counselor and just an existence of an empty shell remained of me. Trying with everything inside of me to raise two boys and maintain sanity. Not easy but I did that for them. I became a real good actress to those around me and in church. I was dying inside.

Yes, many will say the boys would have been better off if we had divorced, but I knew that each of them had my care and watch upon them. I truly do not think he would do that and he would let them run astray. I feel proud today knowing I stuck it out and they are both successful young men.

While I am not ignorant of the fact that they have had some emotional turmoil and issues growing up and will have to face some as an adult because of this, but I will pat myself on the back for sticking it out through some hell but also kicking myself of some of the hell that they experienced. I had to trust the Lord then and I do now.

This past year though along with the years of counseling with my personal counselor that I write about, I began to get a grip of myself, my life and of this so-called business partnership, marriage that I am a part of and that is of boundaries. What a difference.   

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While we are still legally married and under the same roof, it is not a marriage and no intention of it being any different, til death do us part (or divorce do we part). Today, I can be in the same room and carry on a conversation with him but it is all a general, life discussion. Typical with Aspergers, which makes sense why I felt like I was going crazy with this man. Years ago, I walked into my counselor’s office feeling almost dead in all areas of my life. 

Holding onto a thread of hope, which she gave me and I truly feel the Lord led me to her. Otherwise, I do not know where I would be right now. Somebody heard me, understood me and I did not feel so alone in life. Research, reading and getting grounded in knowledge of what I was going through opened my eyes and my life restored to a point of existence and wanting to exist.  The counselor does their part but it takes the client to do their part, too.

Thankfully today, the tension and much hatred is gone and that has been nice.  I am hoping and going on that the Lord has changed and healed me in many areas.  I am not responsible for him.  Forgiveness goes without saying, a must.  This did not come overnight, but today I am happier, allowing myself boundaries in this so-called business-marriage relationship.  For now, it works.

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