Do You Not Want Me?

738E4583-E50B-4988-A04E-909FB123E8FDI find that childhood issues can wreck havoc even in a grown adult, me. I have heard that many times. Or the phrase, adult problems are childhood issues. Still, understanding after many years of counseling of childhood issues and childhood emotional neglect, just to name a couple. Well how about rejection and abandonment, too. I still get triggered and a panic felt within as I want to just cry, but I freeze. I recognize this more so because my voice gets lower and somewhat shaky when trying to remain calm so the one I am talking to will not notice, but inside I am falling apart.

Last week, due to the pandemic, I had a telephone appointment with a nurse practitioner, which I actually like and may prefer this type of appointments. It was when she wanted to refer me back to a Endocrinologist, as she has been treating me, I thought we were doing just fine. While I understood, I was feeling as if she did not want me anymore and with that suggestion, feeling the effects of rejection and abandonment yet again in my old age. It’s like a, ‘What the Heck‘ response.  It took me a bit to get over, as I went down the rabbit trail of which it brings forth within me. I even asked her because I knew how it was affecting me in this call, Do you not want me anymore? Of course, she does but perhaps a specialist might need to step in as my blood work is off since a thyroidectomy years ago.

Anyway, with that and then thinking back of my former counselor leaving for medical reasons, I took that upon myself for a bit as it was my fault or that I did not help matters with my issues dumped on her. Wondering if I gave her burnout. I do realize that is not so and plus she C4CB3662-42B3-44FC-8A00-1332E51F44EBneeded to take care of herself if that was the case. The whole ordeal with her leave was horrendous for me, I felt totally abandoned while we were actively discussing abandonment, so I saw this in a whole new light and degree. I have written many blogs of my time with her and now of no longer her client due to closing her office. In this scenario, feeling she did not want me anymore.

I was thrown out to the wolves. I mentioned to her when walking me to the door actually in my last, unknowingly last appointment, just that. Requesting she not walk me to the door, throwing me out to the wolves with a quick kick on my backside of get out. I know that was not truth but the enemy within my mind wanted me to think so in order to keep me down, feeling unworthy and good for nothing. I hate the feeling of not being wanted, unliked, unloved or just rejected.

To pinpoint exactly when this made a profound mark on my life of feeling not wanted, I doubt I will ever know 39AFFF5D-9BB7-4231-8C29-93E26FD831F0unless it was my actual birth. I was an oops baby, I know that. Seven years my mom thought she was done having children and then I appeared. It makes one feel all warm and fuzzy inside (sarcastic tone). Perhaps that was it or later, but I can tell you how often I felt this way, which was all of my life. The lingering effects can also bring shame, feeling unlovable and asking myself what is wrong with me.CF2F536E-FCC4-4280-ACC6-BA72DC0F9586

Had it not been for my time in counseling to understand such matters, I would not be writing this. Many aha moments came in those four years of understanding me, finally.

I have learned also, in this instance or others, that if I experience these thoughts and feelings, others do, too. Many times as we go through such we feel alone, as nobody would understand or would want to take time to listen and care. I am not alone. There are many that could say, “Me, too!”

Do you not want me? This has played out enough in my life that I hate feeling all the entangled emotions. It feels as if my heart drops in despair.

Whether it be my own family, friends, co-worker, counselor, Doctor, etc., even if they do not want me, I have to know and remember the One who does want me.

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The Lord loves me. He wants only the best for me. He is my ALL those listed in One, to me. His love is all I need to be concerned about and when I make myself stop and remember just that, there is peace and love from Him to lift my spirits up and be happy.

14A2C3A3-8000-49E8-9386-F37B464AD691So whether it is me or if you can relate and question if loved and wanted, just stop and realize and acknowledge that you are loved and you are wanted.

As those that believe and trust in the Lord, that He helps us and will lead us through life, but knowing there are those that don’t, and no doubt He has the same question, “Do You Not Want Me?”

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Abandonment fear often stems from childhood loss. This loss could be related to a traumatic event, such as the loss of a parent through death or divorce. It can also come from not getting enough physical or emotional care. These early childhood experiences can lead to a fear of being abandoned by others later in life. 

https://joycemeyer.org/everydayanswers/ea-teachings/do-you-feel-rejected

https://livewellwithsharonmartin.com/healing-psychological-effects-of-abandonment/

Grouchy Pants

FA346EA7-B58A-495C-990F-C9202005B752Some days, don’t you just want to scream and really say what you want? Restraint is required many times. Right? Thoughts of saying what I want runs rampant all the while biting my tongue or afterward wishing I said this or that as I replayed the situation over and over in my mind.

How is it that others feel they can give me their two cents, their thoughts and opinions about me but if I do the same, I am considered rude, stubborn, grouchy, etc.?

22F808B3-4E7B-441E-A5DD-ED891DBA85DAIt drives me absolutely insane. Just this past weekend, while walking, I had some major pain in my right leg. This happened recently, too, when walking a 5K. I did not know what was happening and 8D7C2148-9F50-4BCF-A2F3-7327EA1E99B3even wondered if I was having a stroke. While trying to remain calm while in pain, I flexed my right arm, twisted my mouth, talked just to see if I could and made sense. Everything seemed fine, it was just my whole right leg. I thought I would not make it to the finish line. Just let me sit down on the bridge and come get me is about what I wanted to say to my friend I was walking with, as the pain was beyond what I thought I could cope with. I had to mentally focus on the finish line while physically I wanted to give up.  We were not as close as I wanted to be but I made it. I was so happy to cross the finish line, somewhat limping. Maybe it was just stress built up from what I just endured the two weeks prior and my whole leg got the blunt of the pain. I never had this pain before when walking, ever.

I have learned through life, that in the pain, no matter what kind, you have to push through sometimes but it definitely alerts you, something is not right.  45F73FE1-A752-488B-BB94-F146586EA889

So when this happened yet again, I knew I had a problem. My acupuncturist was able to see me the next day so with the needles he had in hand, I was the pin cushion but a welcomed relief.

It was the following day when I went to my chiropractor. I was telling him of my situation. I tried to tell him about it while I explained the pain. While I was sitting on his table, moving my hand, just a quick pattern of the pain down my leg. I stopped and kept my hand on my leg while we discussed the possibilities. He informed me his thoughts. He remarked of E808FBD1-90C5-4066-9D87-B90FE9A4F83Dwhere my hand landed on my leg, just resting, which was on my shin bone area, as I continued to talk. He proceeded telling me where ‘my pain’ was at, since my hand was there. No! I tried to explain further that the pain was not my shin bone (shin splints), but I found myself frustrated with him discounting my pain. Usually when I get to this point, I will reply with never mind and move on, I quit trying to explain myself.

As I was lying on the heat, therapy table after my adjustment, he asked me why I was so grouchy. What? Saying that I am usually not that way and I was taken aback. While lying there, I apologized but thanked him for calling me out on it, if I was grouchy. We joked later but still, it bothered me, but why I wondered.08AB86AA-96B5-47F6-B9EC-C26FBC518058

When I left, got in my car to drive away, thinking about the situation that just transpired, I realized I felt he did not listen to me, he was convinced that he knew where and what my pain was but not validating my feelings in this pain that I was trying to express. All because my hand was laying on my leg where it did. Anyway, he did not listen or hear me or even care to, as he had the answer and even disregarded what my acupuncturist had to say. It triggered a response that I would have had as a child and even throughout my adulthood. When I say never mind or whatever, I am so done. My thoughts or what I have to say means nothing so I would shut up and I did just that with him. What is the use in trying to make another understand or realize what I was experiencing. Just save my breath. I had nothing more to say and odds 956E249B-7CF6-483F-A777-FBF266D34A79are, I will not bring up the pain in my leg from walking again, unless he asks. I was triggered, which made me shut down, having no voice. I recognized it instead of holding that grudge and being mad for hours or days. This was something that I dealt with all my life. I do have a voice and instead of shutting down, I should have just expressed that he was not hearing me, actually I do try and tried in this situation, but I have learned there is no use. So to him, I was grouchy.

Why do others feel as though they can call me out and call me names but I don’t dare do that to them?

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Even though my chiropractor did not hear or listen to me, I know the One that does listen to me, He knows of what I am dealing with and He understands me, even though this triggered me more than I liked. In the many times throughout my life when it happened, I would shut down. Do not think that I did not tell the Lord that what just happened, hurt and upset me. He knows my heart.

We all have times when we get hurt, not heard or we are misunderstood. Life… it happens! I am not perfect, I have hurt others in the same way, too. I think just recognizing how fast this all happened and that I recognized the trigger and did not get all bent out of shape. I was happy, thinking counseling has helped me to understand and to cope. Progress!

We each have a mind and a voice, even though it is sometimes lost in the chaos of life. What matters is our trust in the Lord and that He knows us better than anyone (better than we know ourself) and our faith must be in Him. Everything else will fall into place. Trust Him!

 

Jesus was misunderstood. He was perfect and righteous, yet He was still misunderstood by people. If He was misunderstood, I totally will be too. Yet He seemed to seek love above all, not understanding.

When You are Feeling Misunderstood

Is Grouchiness a Mood?  “Although it may feel this way, crankiness doesn’t “just happen,” especially if there’s no specific scenario leading to your cranky mood. These feelings of irritability and annoyance are usually a result of something going on inside your body.”

Validation: The Need to Know that You Matter