Grouchy Pants

FA346EA7-B58A-495C-990F-C9202005B752Some days, don’t you just want to scream and really say what you want? Restraint is required many times. Right? Thoughts of saying what I want runs rampant all the while biting my tongue or afterward wishing I said this or that as I replayed the situation over and over in my mind.

How is it that others feel they can give me their two cents, their thoughts and opinions about me but if I do the same, I am considered rude, stubborn, grouchy, etc.?

22F808B3-4E7B-441E-A5DD-ED891DBA85DAIt drives me absolutely insane. Just this past weekend, while walking, I had some major pain in my right leg. This happened recently, too, when walking a 5K. I did not know what was happening and 8D7C2148-9F50-4BCF-A2F3-7327EA1E99B3even wondered if I was having a stroke. While trying to remain calm while in pain, I flexed my right arm, twisted my mouth, talked just to see if I could and made sense. Everything seemed fine, it was just my whole right leg. I thought I would not make it to the finish line. Just let me sit down on the bridge and come get me is about what I wanted to say to my friend I was walking with, as the pain was beyond what I thought I could cope with. I had to mentally focus on the finish line while physically I wanted to give up.  We were not as close as I wanted to be but I made it. I was so happy to cross the finish line, somewhat limping. Maybe it was just stress built up from what I just endured the two weeks prior and my whole leg got the blunt of the pain. I never had this pain before when walking, ever.

I have learned through life, that in the pain, no matter what kind, you have to push through sometimes but it definitely alerts you, something is not right.  45F73FE1-A752-488B-BB94-F146586EA889

So when this happened yet again, I knew I had a problem. My acupuncturist was able to see me the next day so with the needles he had in hand, I was the pin cushion but a welcomed relief.

It was the following day when I went to my chiropractor. I was telling him of my situation. I tried to tell him about it while I explained the pain. While I was sitting on his table, moving my hand, just a quick pattern of the pain down my leg. I stopped and kept my hand on my leg while we discussed the possibilities. He informed me his thoughts. He remarked of E808FBD1-90C5-4066-9D87-B90FE9A4F83Dwhere my hand landed on my leg, just resting, which was on my shin bone area, as I continued to talk. He proceeded telling me where ‘my pain’ was at, since my hand was there. No! I tried to explain further that the pain was not my shin bone (shin splints), but I found myself frustrated with him discounting my pain. Usually when I get to this point, I will reply with never mind and move on, I quit trying to explain myself.

As I was lying on the heat, therapy table after my adjustment, he asked me why I was so grouchy. What? Saying that I am usually not that way and I was taken aback. While lying there, I apologized but thanked him for calling me out on it, if I was grouchy. We joked later but still, it bothered me, but why I wondered.08AB86AA-96B5-47F6-B9EC-C26FBC518058

When I left, got in my car to drive away, thinking about the situation that just transpired, I realized I felt he did not listen to me, he was convinced that he knew where and what my pain was but not validating my feelings in this pain that I was trying to express. All because my hand was laying on my leg where it did. Anyway, he did not listen or hear me or even care to, as he had the answer and even disregarded what my acupuncturist had to say. It triggered a response that I would have had as a child and even throughout my adulthood. When I say never mind or whatever, I am so done. My thoughts or what I have to say means nothing so I would shut up and I did just that with him. What is the use in trying to make another understand or realize what I was experiencing. Just save my breath. I had nothing more to say and odds 956E249B-7CF6-483F-A777-FBF266D34A79are, I will not bring up the pain in my leg from walking again, unless he asks. I was triggered, which made me shut down, having no voice. I recognized it instead of holding that grudge and being mad for hours or days. This was something that I dealt with all my life. I do have a voice and instead of shutting down, I should have just expressed that he was not hearing me, actually I do try and tried in this situation, but I have learned there is no use. So to him, I was grouchy.

Why do others feel as though they can call me out and call me names but I don’t dare do that to them?

2EAD2A6B-202C-49D4-A3D8-3EEEE2461493

Even though my chiropractor did not hear or listen to me, I know the One that does listen to me, He knows of what I am dealing with and He understands me, even though this triggered me more than I liked. In the many times throughout my life when it happened, I would shut down. Do not think that I did not tell the Lord that what just happened, hurt and upset me. He knows my heart.

We all have times when we get hurt, not heard or we are misunderstood. Life… it happens! I am not perfect, I have hurt others in the same way, too. I think just recognizing how fast this all happened and that I recognized the trigger and did not get all bent out of shape. I was happy, thinking counseling has helped me to understand and to cope. Progress!

We each have a mind and a voice, even though it is sometimes lost in the chaos of life. What matters is our trust in the Lord and that He knows us better than anyone (better than we know ourself) and our faith must be in Him. Everything else will fall into place. Trust Him!

 

Jesus was misunderstood. He was perfect and righteous, yet He was still misunderstood by people. If He was misunderstood, I totally will be too. Yet He seemed to seek love above all, not understanding.

When You are Feeling Misunderstood

Is Grouchiness a Mood?  “Although it may feel this way, crankiness doesn’t “just happen,” especially if there’s no specific scenario leading to your cranky mood. These feelings of irritability and annoyance are usually a result of something going on inside your body.”

Validation: The Need to Know that You Matter

 

 

 

Invisible Me

B3624BB0-D1D7-463E-8E3A-71D1BBAB14E4

Our memories can run a mile a minute and mine did just that this morning. While reading a post written by another wife dealing with her husband’s Aspergers. With that and remembering myself years ago feeling the same, I could totally relate, in her saying, “I could not deal with being and feeling invisible any longer” so with her young child, she will leave the marriage. Of course, other issues were present but this one made me go back to a period that was just unbearable for myself. C7FC683F-16B3-4C97-B635-F41E30E36E6A

My boys were young, too, perhaps eight and ten. This one instance that is etched in my mind is one where we all left church to go get lunch at our favorite pizza joint.  As I remember, that whole morning and church service was uneasy. I would mention something and he would deny, like before, over and over. This was an ongoing dialogue between us. The craziness of that day in and day out was enough to tip me over the edge. Trust me, I wanted to jump many times, no tip needed. I stayed for my boys and dealt with the circumstances.

EC56EC75-49C9-4481-9718-9D487C1E7C85As the boys and my husband were enjoying the pizza buffet at the table, talking among themselves, I am sitting there being totally ignored. To remember, I feel and sense the sadness after all of these years still, just a lighter degree from then, thank God. I am eating and on the verge of crying but what good would that do? I sat there alone, emotionally distraught, feeling like a homeless person with my family. Exactly my feeling and I remember that thought so well, and the pain within.

A blanket of doom and gloom of this marriage was choking life from my body. This was about twenty years ago, as I write, and I had no inkling of Aspergers then or up until five years ago.

As I met with my former counselor who alerted me of Aspergers, that seemed to fall into the scope from my sessions, I felt the blanket lifted from me and the craziness that Aspergers can cause in a marriage relationship, which is a sad, lonely one. 37D69AF2-625B-4852-BC9B-01D6E0BC01BB

In our many sessions, of course, my childhood was discussed.  A lot of adult problems are unhealed childhood issues, which I have heard over and over again from my Pastor, in his messages. As a child living in an alcoholic home, not realizing it then as it was just my life, but I was present while I listened to conversations and observed my surroundings.  I remember my counselor commenting that it was interesting that I was invisible as a child and now as an adult in my marriage. I guess interesting although I understood what she was saying, more depressing than anything. I was invisible and had no voice.

Now, just recently, I did my two weeks, the eighty long hours required in clinicals for Phlebotomy certification, 53BB793C-649B-4518-ADF0-D6C80AB37DFDthe worst two weeks of my life. I remember a couple of times when I was alone in the lab office area, I held my hands up and moving like a Mime stating, am I invisible?  I did all I knew to do, and I am trying to help them and understand the process, as I was their legs to save them time but the training I should have had was weak in each of them, a waste of my time. When there was time to ask questions and time for them to explain this or that, they each had their nose in their cell phones. I was at a loss. I was being ignored, not trained properly and I felt invisible, yet again. Although now I know the role of being invisible, so I am there at this point to get my hours and required sticks, ignore me if you want. I am doing my time and I am out of there, just learning to hate a profession I thought I would enjoy.

So to read this mother’s woes of feeling invisible brought me this point of my writing.  Perhaps to remember what I came through and to treat others as they truly matter, that they are not invisible at all. Even the homeless matter. My heart is bigger knowing and feeling the pain that I dealt with and in that I do not regret what I have grown up with, my marriage and this past experience.

Each one of us need to be aware of those around us. We never know what they might be going through. Just a smile, costs you nothing, but can bring hope to a person who has none.

Thankfully, we are not invisible to God. He knows each of our names, where each of us are and the number of hairs on our head. Trust Him.

A5803EC8-ADEF-4652-9561-7B9C346A8A75

 

She [Hagar] gave this name to the LORD who spoke to her: “You are the God who sees me,” for she said, “I have now seen the One who sees me.” That is why the well was called Beer Lahai Roi [the”well of the Living One who sees me”]. (Genesis 16:13-14)

Invisible

Norma Jean

17F6EAA8-D249-4619-AE6C-269AC42D6CA3Last week was the last straw. My emotions had been on overload due to my training and basically stuffing the emotional turmoil within while on the job. No doubt we have all had to do this at times, otherwise we might get fired. It is hard to maintain a smile when tears are on the verge of breaking lose but you do what you have to do and I had to just that.

Discussing my training and what I endured with the co-workers, their moods, attitudes, etc., with my oldest sister on Messenger one evening, I felt rejected to the core.3F26103C-9C54-4B51-A860-4378850BF8DA

Not only did I feel rejection while training, my own sister did the same with me, I felt. I love her and we are closer than I am with my other siblings. I believe I will need to discuss with her of how this affected me. My sister is very involved at her church and there is an older woman that contacts her daily, if not more, which is fine. I am glad my sister is there for this woman and vice-versa. What is not fine is that over and over again when we are talking or messaging one another, if Norma Jean calls, she 2982E916-AEB2-4CB9-AE79-729854D8820Dimmediately says she needs to go, leaving me hanging.  I hate that. If I am in a middle of a message to her and this happens, I just go ahead and delete my message of whatever was on my mind, thinking what’s the use.  Typical of me as I have experienced this many times in life. What is the use, is usually my thought so I backoff, as this person or another just proved to me that I am not important to them.

41736280-3776-4A78-8F90-C7CC863CE47EWhile her rush to end our conversation has bothered me more than once but last week, more so. It triggered the rejection within me and I just cried, as again my emotions were raw.  I needed my sister. All I wrote was “goodbye.” No emojis or anything like normal. I needed her to hear me or read my woes and encourage me, which was non-existent. Norma Jean was more important, I felt. While I do know that is not one-hundred percent true, it sure felt like it.

Until afterward, I knew this has always bothered me but to add and feel the rejection, it made sense. It brought up rejection of her lack of interest in me, my training which was terrible with those employed and back to my childhood. To acknowledge and realize what was happening, it can bring a healing by being aware of it so it does not trigger the alarms within to make matters worse. This has been discussed numerous times in counseling and in my session the other night, it became more evident as tears poured from my eyes, the ugly cry, and realizing of past rejection, as I could not handle anymore.

While I do not want to cause an issue with my sister, I do plan to request that she talk to Norma Jean first and then message me due to the feeling of being rejected. Knowing ahead of time that she may not understand fully or may think I am being too sensitive or whatever, I have my boundaries and that is taking care of me.

F43B9C6F-EC66-48C5-BA63-97C03BF606A4Rejection after awhile builds a wall within relationships. It would be easy for me to just pull away from my sister and not say anything. This would prevent that I do not get hurt again but that’s not good.  If I did just that, as I have done in my past avoiding conflict, that is not fair to her, not knowing why.  I know I can politely express and request that she talk to Norma Jean first and then we can have our time of conversing and remain close since we live hours 21183E9E-DF51-474D-846C-431ABE842705away from one another, which is what I know we both would want. Plus, it is not fair for me to remain getting frustrated with her and Norma Jean. Neither of us are getting younger.

8A879AEC-A1DE-4654-8AC7-4A236975FD12

 

 

 

Learn to Hate

The past two weeks of my life seemed to be the longest days of the year…okay, my life.

Being at my age and trying to complete my clinicals in a medical profession just about made me want to go home, throw the cover over my head and stay there.

69C80A1C-4C07-4018-BA7D-10EE4B6B749CI had put this off for a year for one reason or another. I took the class last Fall and did well but surmised it was to keep my mind busy due to a loss in my life and to keep focused. I was okay with that. While I tried to decline from doing the clinicals this time around, the instructor was very convincing to finish and it was apparent in other ways, that I should also.  I did.

Fear is still prevalent at the age of sixty and being thrown in with a pack of wolves and I was like bait. If only I could have been an undercover boss through this process, I would have shaken the cage and lose some of the attitudes and rudeness presented. This was not how you represent a large medical hospital in the area you work for, that is for sure.

This was definitely an experience of a lifetime and not a good one. Each week, I found that every Wednesday night, I wanted to quit and not go in on Thursday mornings, as it was a struggle.

I knew that I would not let them have the upper hand with this old woman. I had something that they may never grasp, but I pray that they do. I have dealt with demons before, within my own family, so this was not going to deter me. I had a focus and that was to finish.

D9062D9B-2DD9-4F3E-B690-8C4CF8558AD0Weeks before when contemplating this endeavor, I had a dream of my Pastor coming to me in a congregation of people. He took my hands and said, “You know He is with you.” Just that, gave me peace and something to hold onto through this ordeal.  It was when I awoke and reading my Bible, that I just so happen to open up, Isaiah 41:10, which was when I knew I was to go forward. ( See ‘Terrified with Faith‘) Did I want to? No. I repeated those words often, read that scripture before I entered the door each morning and prayed.

While I enjoyed dealing with the public and helping them, when asked to be a part in my training, my personality sparked in smiling and being kind as I know is key and I do well. While these employees have the technique down pat, their personalities were nowhere to be found. To get a smile or much less see one shown to the patient when greeting them was like a miracle. Get them in and get them out so they could check their cell phones or make meaningless conversation with one another while throwing f-bombs around. I was shocked with these girls, actually saddened.

In this, my life has been changed. It actually opened my eyes whether with them and in myself. I enjoyed the process of learning this trade but I learned to hate it due to them. I do not know what lies ahead for me in this area and perhaps nothing, I have to and will trust the Lord.

I found it interesting that in phlebotomy, you ‘feel for the veins, not by sight.’ In our Christian walk, we are to ‘live by faith, not by sight.’1F08B259-AE97-4271-9041-FD6ADCABDEAA

This part of my training is complete and I am thankful, more than you know. One hurdle to cross yet in testing for certification but after the past two weeks, I can do anything.

 

SHAME

 

01F8635F-494E-43E2-8AA5-ECAAD48AE3B1
Shame – Wikipedia
Shame is an unpleasant self-conscious emotion typically associated with a negative evaluation of the self, withdrawal motivations, and feelings of distress, exposure, mistrust, powerlessness, and worthlessness

I cannot make that word large or ugly enough to express of how much it has affected my life.

To keep shame hidden and unaware, is a weight I have carried and many carry daily and throughout their lifetime.  The thoughts that come that we are not good enough for this or that, the negative that has infiltrated our minds from childhood and through life is somewhat disabling.

It was not until a few years ago that I understood shame and it’s effects upon my life.  Still, this morning as I am looking and researching many websites about shame did I realize that I was triggered just a few weeks ago of something that put me in a downward spiral of anger, unworthiness and sadness.  While I managed and coped, I realized today that was shame again heaped upon me.  Not understanding the situation and why somebody that was dear to me would ignore me basically.  I took that as I am unworthy, they have lied to me all this time and I am a nobody.  While I identified I was angry, it was not until writing this blog did I recognize shame.  Disappointment and all the emotions became alive with this situation, I became stuck.  It’s shame, yet again.  Shame, it’s time to go! Thankfully, through this period, I had my counselors to allow me to talk and work through it all.  Just to recognize shame, it cannot stay.

8B462A9E-7A1D-4A72-8D7A-E5F921E9AB73

Shame wants us to hide and be all negative about ourselves that we will not fully succeed in life.  It’s a great ploy of the enemy because he knows that if we had the confidence and compassion toward ourselves, as we do others, we can make an impact.  As a Christian, the enemy does not want that at all.  Keep him or her quiet and all is well.  Becoming aware of shame and how it has tormented me, I will speak out and go forward.  It may knock me for a loop, as it did recently, but I will bounce back.F6035147-A86B-4B42-99AC-84F8E79DC483

To understand and to put a word with the feelings is enlightening.  Why I never knew of shame really before in life is unbeknownst to me.  Perhaps it wasn’t the time.

B3120A72-0817-49F6-AB76-126BCD99E7A5

Shame is feeling sorry about who you are as a person.     And toxic shame is feeling bad about who you are as a person all the time – it is pervasive.  What is Toxic Shame?  (The Little-Known Mental Illness) LonerWolf  https://lonerwolf.com/toxic-shame/

921C6752-FAD7-4BA1-9C53-356E25B56188

First, identify what shame feels like in your body. How do you embody shame? For many people, shame feels and looks closed down. We tend to embody “closed down” by hunching our shoulders or looking down, anything we can do to hide. We might clench our jaw, hold our hands as fists, or harden our gaze. The longer we hold these closed down expressions or “poses,” the longer we embody, feel, and think shame.   How to Overcome the Weight of Shame  by https://www.recoverywarriors.com/the-weight-of-shame/

EEDF981B-5226-47C3-9A0C-6668932147E9

👉🏻 Be aware! 

AE94078E-31D2-457E-8F91-D4101B7E2E16

For more information about shame, Brene Brown is awesome!  https://brenebrown.com/

I Have Nothing

My mind is overwhelmed somewhat in moments, as I toss a matter around in my head.  So many thoughts but the ‘why’ questions remain slapping me with no understanding.  Boggled with disappointment and uncertainties, trying to make sense of it all. Have you ever had that happen?

78B77059-4936-4E57-AAD4-1466096089D7To write, to be creative, to put my words in front of me, become many but scattered.  My creative side is lost in my despair.  I have nothing but the chaos of my thoughts that are stored inside me.  The ‘why’ covers an array of feelings and the sadness felt.  Unsure what to think or to truly feel but trying 16311EC1-A706-40E0-B386-D2CEDA3F207Adesperately to recognize my emotions. Hurt would be an understatement of the invalidation received.

9E3AC4CF-8C3F-434B-BFAC-B739AE9E3113Knowing and learning from years of counseling, I know to not dwell on the negative thoughts that enter, that get trapped and fight to exit my brain.  This would have knocked me down years before and I would have retreated to my bedroom and be covered with depression.  While this has been difficult, I will not allow it to drag me down in a pit.  I do not understand my ‘why’ questions but I do know, I will not quit.  I have come too far and have worked too hard to get to this place in my life.

9F75592F-8610-4684-B343-8FEA2E431EC5

I am finding, too, it is not always about me. So many times before, I would have taken it all upon myself, feeling all the negative, believing the thoughts and trying to figure it out with the finger only pointing back at myself, as if it was my issue.  Self-invalidation.  I will not do that this time.BE8F4E4B-A451-4ED9-AAA5-C0287F047258

In this, I have nothing but yet I have so much to express but unsure how to do so.  Time takes care of a lot of things that we may not understand.  It is trusting the Lord through those moments of uncertainties and believing all things work to the good.  Trust Him!

E5BE405B-7C30-468E-A7F2-F35FAA17575C

Imposition

Isn’t it funny how things come about and make sense, perhaps years later, more like decades in my case?

As a small child, I was always told to sit down, be quiet and do not bother anybody or anything.  I would go to work with my mom many times when she cleaned 5A620FB0-F8CF-4D5A-AE94-7BB47297B8D2houses.  I knew to never touch much less breathe on anything.  What I did though was look at the beautiful homes we were in, imagine what it was like to live there.  While we had a nice, clean home ourselves, it was my place to escape within my mind.  I can still smell the Ivory bath soap and see the bathroom at Betty’s house.  I can see the beautiful knick knacks and remember looking out the window in the side room to the back yard at Addie’s house.  I was a good kid, I could entertain myself just within my thoughts.  I had to in order to stay out of people’s way, including my mom.  I was no bother.

0550A961-9751-4A3C-9C03-8BD377E9EEC0Many times, I have noticed through the years that I would not call others, ask for help, etc,, and I am still that way.  For instance, I have been given permission by my former counselor, in the past, and my present counselors to contact them, if needed.  Each one, my comment is that I appreciate the offer but I did not and will not bother you and I don’t.  The risk of rejection, of them having no time for me would only magnify the panic within me.  In a situation at work, just yesterday, now I had to bother several and got a little more involved than usual.  Perhaps that is me not being so independent, codependent, passive aggressive, etc., as I will take so much and then… Enough!  Majority of the time, I will solve the issue and figure out how to rectify the problem for ease on me and all involved.  As in this work situation, besides my time and a stress headache pounding on each heartbeat, I now have a solution and will put in place starting tomorrow.  Done.

The imposition came to mind when discussing abandonment with my counselor yesterday.  I was an unwanted burden.  We both know this has been an issue for me in life.  One of those things yet again, I never had a word for of how I felt until my former counselor identified.  So, that is what I felt and it all made sense, that was just in the last five years.  Not easy to work through but at least I am not questioning the whys within me.

Abandonment, odds are came early for me, birth to eighteen months.  Seems unreal and kind of crazy to even consider but makes sense to tie all the lose ends together.  No maternal bonding as that was one of my questions wondering why our relationship was not like most mother-daughter connections.  There was never a mushy greeting card to reflect what was not there, ever.  Still she was my mom.  One of those moments, all my life, to sit back and look at the situation but never understanding.

“If my own mother can’t love me, who can?”  “Is there something wrong with me.”

Talking to him about this abandonment, I remembered mom’s words many times through the years the fact that right after having me, the day we came home from the hospital, she had to make Thanksgiving dinner. Back then, they kept mother and baby for days in the hospital, unlike today.

So, with a large family already, knowing I was the seventh child, seven years younger from my sister, other family members visiting, you know the general holiday gathering of family and friends, odds are I was tossed from one to another and that continued.  Take care of 309CD4E2-F84A-45BA-ABE9-A81E7CAF0CBAyour sister and don’t make her cry.  I heard that so often, as she did not really care to hold or even hear me.  How sad.  I have always felt and known I was an oops baby.  To realize even back then, I was an imposition as a baby, a young girl, adult and still an almost retired lady, it kind of does something to you.

Partly, there is shock and working through for healing but then comes strength in knowing the facts.  With all the comments, whether in joking, sarcasm and perhaps hatred of being in the way, it happened to me.  I heard all of that and it affected me, more than I realized.

As I told my mom while sitting on her bed, while she was putting laundry away, and out of her way; it was when I was about seven or eight, I questioned if I was a mistake with no reply.  I still remember that day, as if it was yesterday.  I shrugged my shoulders probably knowing already or why would I even ask, but then said to her that perhaps I am here to take care of you and dad later in life.  That actually took place, until their deaths.  Out of the mouths of babes.

649F54F8-B095-41BB-A5F9-F45960CD43A6While I may have been an oops, an imposition, a bother, felt the abandonment in life, I know one thing for certain and that I am a child of God.  I think I even knew it back then, too, but nobody to encourage me spiritually.  I know that He does not make mistakes.  I am not a mistake.  I know that He loves me.  I am loved and B806CA6C-2627-4DE8-A085-0F28E1E301DDlovable.  The ‘I Am’ statements are not just off the wall and flippant but necessary and truth behind each one.  It has taken me years to truly grasp His Love for me.  It’s when you know because you know.  Joy!

So many times in life, we are put down, ridiculed, etc., to where we do not know the who, what, when, where and whys in life.  But God…  It’s when you put your trust in Him and believe He has your life in His Hands, and trust Him and watch your faith grow, then the other does not matter as much.

I am no bother or imposition to God.  He is there for me 24/7 as He is for you.  Trust Him.

613A7D0A-62BC-4AA5-847F-21AF43E2BC97

https://healingbrave.com/blogs/all/i-am-affirmations-healing-purpose-abundance

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201105/when-mothers-don-t-bond-their-daughters