Left Untold

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The untold story will wreck havoc on a family so in denial.  Where to even begin.  Is it a book that is written in annomity or by fact?

Kind of reminds me of the book, The Help.  You know the characters but you have to surmise and wonder.

That’s where I am.  Where to begin.  I have bits and pieces all around me in notes, actual chapters of how and what went down but putting them all together and tying it together, is yet another thing.

We can all write a book probably and I sometimes think why would I want to add another to the shelves that are way more popular and exquisite than mine would be.  Still, I have an untold story that just may bring hope to another.  Or at least add to some juicy gossip.

Who knows what will transpire but if it is meant to be, it will.

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I’m Tough!

5C37B256-78F6-4DEF-973E-D24C16AEC912With the past Labor Day holiday, it throws off my counseling appointment, which is on Monday.  Oh how I do not need to miss an appointment as things in life feel so overwhelming.4A65A96C-DAF2-4A5B-BFF2-6989006CF4F8

While I enter my counselors office, sit on her bright-colored loveseat with the door shut, of course, I can feel safe.  While not always easy, I know I have come a long way with her help.  I trust her although at times I must deal with the mental lies that are thrown at me that she, too, will hurt me.  I have voiced that to her as in many things that only her and God know.  That’s trust.  With that, Satan knows how to get my goat due to that fact.  Amazingly, I find that she is aware, it seems of my body posture, facial movements and my breathing, where I do not.  Sometimes I am just amazed.  Most of all thankful to have her in my life.

Making my appointment on her normal day off, her suggestion, I felt bad doing so.  Unbeknownst to her or to me, she became ill prior to my appointment, she had to cancel, so no session.

Even before, contemplating of cancellating myself, I thought to myself that I can make it to the next Monday.  Well, now I will.  Thinking to myself, I’m tough.

In all actuality, I am.  I have been through the years.  What’s a few more days?   I have been through hell, which some have experienced much worse than myself but my journey holds its own.  Some would run or cower with what I’ve dealt with but it was what I have been given to deal with.  I’m still here, although worn and battle scars within.

Even so, while not to the expertise that my counselor has taught me, it was by my faith in God and what knowledge I had to grasp, also gut feelings.  By the Grace of God, He has lead me, directed me and kept me.

When I get down and out and that old depression sneaks in to rip my confidence apart and my faith, I have to remember I am tough.  Tomorrow is another day.

No matter what we go through, the important thing to remember is that you go through.  We are not promised a life free of problems but are told that He will not leave us or forsake us, we can call upon Him.

Search the scriptures and pour yourself into His Word and let Him pour His Love into you.  I’m writing this to remind myself.

I’m tough but odds are, you are tough, too!  We just don’t feel it sometimes.

Trust Him!

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Dead Inside

BC47EB14-85EA-40AD-A782-2028ACC311B7Once again my heart feels broken. Why, oh why do I let myself care and feel for others to know that this again will happen?  I expect way too much for someone else to care for me as much as I care for them.

Each time my heart breaks off another chunk to where there will be no more to give.  The pain brings sadness to the point of not caring anymore, to become dead inside, once more.

It won’t last forever, as I will be here again, I have a big heart although damaged beyond repair.  Thankfully, I know the One who helps me when I feel I cannot take no more.

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Panic Within

Being one that deals with abandonment through life, the panic grows within, when felt forgotten.  The torment that exists for those that deal with this is horrifying.   EE48EF49-01D6-4234-A327-7BE8E05F97DA

It is like trying to balance the thoughts like a seesaw going up and down, sometimes with a heavy thud on the ground, that you see on a playground, but knowing it will be okay.  I know I will get through this but the down side is fear, I’ll lose it.  Panic builds although I try to contain but the tears emerge and flow down my face wondering have I really been forgotten.

There is anticipation of a call or text but also fear of that, too.  Either way, the panic has pushed all the buttons to cause an emotional outburst internally and externally.   Unsure what to do or even say if or when that call or text is received.  Numb.  Basically freeze, which is typical of childhood emotional neglect.

Sadly, I’ve been through this so much in life, I know how to deal with it but it does not make it easy.  My heart breaks a little more through the pain.

8A18F3FA-659A-4381-954B-45D07F5CB991You take one day at a time   When that is too much, you take an hour at time, sometimes minutes.

The only hope is the Lord.  I know He will NEVER leave me or forsake me.  My head knows and truly believe that I have faith enough to grasp this promise but my heart doubts it.

Trust Him!

Rejected

Today I realized I still deal with rejection in my older years.   From childhood, this remains while I understand it happened through my counseling sessions. Never to this degree that I knew it had ahold on me, still.

While the rejection was not really directed at me, I assumed the feeling and just about lost it.

Working on a tax issue at work, I was given the information and amounts involved.  I went to the Clerk’s office to make payment of such.  Usually, this trip is speedily but today, the clerk made it her main job to check off and inform me that the numbers were not right, the amounts were wrong, the total payment was incorrect.  All I could hear was Reject Reject Reject.BA542300-47FD-4FE7-8832-601F86B42750

Thinking to myself and getting irritated, I did not just pick this information  out of thin air but given it like all other tax bills payable from my office.

The slow motion and precise job that she was portraying was grating on my last nerve.  I could feel my emotions changing, the fear of rejection rise within me, embarrassment if I made the costly mistake and failure within was booming in my head. The root of rejection was taking hold, in full force.

When she finally would not accept the payment because it was wrong, handing me the check and paperwork, I said I just want to get out of here.  A task that normally would take a few minutes turned into a half hour.

What she did not know and I realized once I left and calmed down to think through, my amount is correct.  Tomorrow, I will once again go and deliver the tax check.

With all that, we do not know what another is going through or experiencing in life. Have grace.  Not just with another but also yourself.

We all need Grace.

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