Happily Ever After… Maybe?

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A few years back I was asked if I thought all marriages were good ones, since I did not have one. I do try to look for the good and do try to think positive of marriages, as such, and of life. Although I am not in denial, there are many marriages struggling, as I know of many. Otherwise, it is not my business so unless you tell me or I see signs, I want to believe and wish the best for the couple(s), as in her own marriage.C1DE24B7-FA8F-46A9-A67F-050BD60EDFFF

The tone in the way she asked her question to me, I had to think that this hit a nerve and perhaps things were a little dicey at home. I don’t know and again, it was none of my business. I knew she would not tell me anyway but her comment and tone did raise my eyebrow and make me hesitate and to wonder.

0BB61D78-4519-4D5E-B1AF-C8894AEC6E87Today, I talked with a friend about his month-long stay in Florida with his wife and how much fun they had together. They have been married a good forty-five years, maybe longer, which is pretty cool. He mentioned that on their drive back home, a long twelve-hour drive, they stopped several times, of course, but he said they sang a lot. How sweet, I thought. I just love this couple and to see them enjoying retirement together. Do I know they get frustrated with one another? Yes. Normal. Still, he calls her Honey and tells her he loves her and they seem so 9D65F1B6-A2B7-45A8-B702-62EB1F741048sweet together. I love that in them and so wish I had that. So I do think the good of them and in most couples.

As he told me of their singing, thinking of their marriage, I had to stop and wonder just what that would be like. I don’t want to be jealous or envious of his or other relationships, but I do desire to have such a sweet, caring, loving and fun relationship. Normal. Any woman or man would want this to share their life with together.

Happily ever after is not a fairy tale—it’s a choice.
Fawn Weaver

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Sometimes as I sit in restaurants, I look around and watch couples. Perhaps observing others just like mine, helping me to feel not so alone in this situation and the hopelessness felt. Maybe getting lost in their time together in order to forget mine.DB8B8D81-5662-421B-A79F-A42FE023733F

It takes two to make the marriage work. When one is doing all the work, it is easy to give up after awhile. When the emotional connection is lost, it causes a sad, lonely existence in the relationship. Usually at this point, one or the other is just done.

AB314B86-A177-4DC3-9EC1-F71CD415B396Depending upon the circumstances, there could still be hope in making it all work and enjoying life together.

Marriage is to be with your best friend and enjoy life in all areas of life. Knowing full well that frustrations come, disappointments, etc., but if the two work together, they can walk hand in hand together no matter what comes their way.

So yes, I do think positive of marriage relationships and feel they do exist, which brings happiness. I have hope.

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Norma Jean

17F6EAA8-D249-4619-AE6C-269AC42D6CA3Last week was the last straw. My emotions had been on overload due to my training and basically stuffing the emotional turmoil within while on the job. No doubt we have all had to do this at times, otherwise we might get fired. It is hard to maintain a smile when tears are on the verge of breaking lose but you do what you have to do and I had to just that.

Discussing my training and what I endured with the co-workers, their moods, attitudes, etc., with my oldest sister on Messenger one evening, I felt rejected to the core.3F26103C-9C54-4B51-A860-4378850BF8DA

Not only did I feel rejection while training, my own sister did the same with me, I felt. I love her and we are closer than I am with my other siblings. I believe I will need to discuss with her of how this affected me. My sister is very involved at her church and there is an older woman that contacts her daily, if not more, which is fine. I am glad my sister is there for this woman and vice-versa. What is not fine is that over and over again when we are talking or messaging one another, if Norma Jean calls, she 2982E916-AEB2-4CB9-AE79-729854D8820Dimmediately says she needs to go, leaving me hanging.  I hate that. If I am in a middle of a message to her and this happens, I just go ahead and delete my message of whatever was on my mind, thinking what’s the use.  Typical of me as I have experienced this many times in life. What is the use, is usually my thought so I backoff, as this person or another just proved to me that I am not important to them.

41736280-3776-4A78-8F90-C7CC863CE47EWhile her rush to end our conversation has bothered me more than once but last week, more so. It triggered the rejection within me and I just cried, as again my emotions were raw.  I needed my sister. All I wrote was “goodbye.” No emojis or anything like normal. I needed her to hear me or read my woes and encourage me, which was non-existent. Norma Jean was more important, I felt. While I do know that is not one-hundred percent true, it sure felt like it.

Until afterward, I knew this has always bothered me but to add and feel the rejection, it made sense. It brought up rejection of her lack of interest in me, my training which was terrible with those employed and back to my childhood. To acknowledge and realize what was happening, it can bring a healing by being aware of it so it does not trigger the alarms within to make matters worse. This has been discussed numerous times in counseling and in my session the other night, it became more evident as tears poured from my eyes, the ugly cry, and realizing of past rejection, as I could not handle anymore.

While I do not want to cause an issue with my sister, I do plan to request that she talk to Norma Jean first and then message me due to the feeling of being rejected. Knowing ahead of time that she may not understand fully or may think I am being too sensitive or whatever, I have my boundaries and that is taking care of me.

F43B9C6F-EC66-48C5-BA63-97C03BF606A4Rejection after awhile builds a wall within relationships. It would be easy for me to just pull away from my sister and not say anything. This would prevent that I do not get hurt again but that’s not good.  If I did just that, as I have done in my past avoiding conflict, that is not fair to her, not knowing why.  I know I can politely express and request that she talk to Norma Jean first and then we can have our time of conversing and remain close since we live hours 21183E9E-DF51-474D-846C-431ABE842705away from one another, which is what I know we both would want. Plus, it is not fair for me to remain getting frustrated with her and Norma Jean. Neither of us are getting younger.

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Which Door?

The open door? The closed door? The shut door?

1236B6DB-E353-4844-9F47-07C755EED023I am waiting for the open door, to walk through to freedom in life, as there is more for me and I await patiently because it is happening, I feel it. I want to rush through it but I continue to stand, knowing the Lord’s Timing is always right on time.  I wait.

There have been situations where the door has been shut in my life.  While that can be hard to understand, I realize also that the Lord closes doors on our behalf.  It will all make sense later and we will be thankful for that shut door whether that be in an opportunity or relationship.

I have had to shut the door this year to a relationship, sadly a family member, as I know my boundaries and I am stronger within than I was before with their rumors and lies. It’s okay to shut the door.  Sometimes lock it and throw away the key.  CA2CB93D-0546-4B1B-BC93-F69ED34BA8CD

The closed door tends to sting somewhat, okay a lot, as I do not understand and I am left standing with questions.  I will not knock or pound on it to let me in. Perhaps time will open this door and if it is meant to be, the door will open.  Life goes on.

God’s Timing is always right on time.

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Zoom In?

D033BD35-324B-4B9F-85AD-CB34C5C90FDESmile, you are on camera.

These days, I sense ‘frown’ you are on camera. They are everywhere. While very handy, they can also be intrusive.

I have cameras inside and outside of my home. I get that. Our cell phones can take great pics and I like that until used wrongly.

Where I am going with this, is in the church and those emotional moments at the altar or in worship.1486566F-A67C-4548-8816-9D2414A8F116

I don’t mind the cameras rolling to get the service so the service can be shown for many to view to shut-ins, around the world to spread the Gospel, to watch again, etc.  What I do mind whether it be me or others, please get that camera out of my face and allow my private time in prayer or worship whether in the congregation and especially at the altar.  630FBAFC-E0B4-4D5B-8A99-C2EAA3243044

Then you know the cell phones and in church. People feel they can video or snap pics of the same.  Please have respect.

One service I was at, one heavy set woman was touched by God and she was worshiping. I could see her fat jiggling as she was dancing and joyful, being touched by the Lord. I was happy for her but would have been mortified if she knew behind the scene, the cell phone camera.  The mother and daughter in front of me were giggling and videotaped this of her.  I was livid. No wonder I do not move out in such services.  There are other reasons but the cameras are hindering the move of God, not just in me but for many, which is not right.

Many, as I stated, not just me feel the same. They, too, will stay seated and not move anywhere the camera might zoom in.  The altar for one, and the most important place of a church.

Respect! Where has it gone?

15CB6338-7CDA-4FE4-888A-28DB1CECF8B9This past weekend, I was at a great ladies conference and while no large camera was rolling, I saw many cell phones out and being used more and more as the conference continued.  It was like, monkey see monkey do.

I would say that many would be intimidated by such and freeze. This action halts the flow of the Holy Spirit. While we should not hinder His move, it does.  To bring this up, it goes in one ear and out the other of those in leadership. Sad.

I myself attend a late church service when I know no camera is used and it is less drama and theatrics.  I know some love the spotlight and I understand the 3E63E732-FAFC-4D5B-8670-3810AD8D6CEEplatform of those to be on camera, close shots, etc., but the congregation in worship and prayer, it is not the place.  To cover the whole service from the back of the sanctuary is sufficient and still allows a freedom.

This is my pet peeve, as you can tell, but I have heard so many say the same.  How about you?  What are your thoughts?  Do you experience the same?

Please be considerate and respectful during such spiritual moments. Reconsider your camera use. If your church and mine and video techs are zooming in on the ugly cries, please stop.

6301DAB7-F907-4F46-8F7C-5E945BB9D65AThe ugly cry. What is it? Urban Dictionary defines it as “a type of crying that feels really good and really bad at the same time.” But it’s more than just that. In an article for New Republic, Rachel Vorona Cote writes that “to ‘ugly cry’ means to weep so fervidly that one’s face contorts in ostensibly unattractive ways.”  

These days, more than ever, people need God. Those camera moments can be made from a distance and the message received for the hearts to receive instead.  Newcomers are fearful enough and dealing with sinful matters that they do not need to fear this, too.  Even professed Christians are dealing with matters, we all are, so let’s pull back the cameras and let God move.

Let God move on the hearts of those in attendance. Please!

We all need a move of God more than ever in our lives and in our churches.

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Intimacy (Not What You Think)

Oh, I bet that title got your attention.  It would me although I’d be somewhat leery of this writing being pornographic. Don’t worry, not here.C9F175FD-041C-4A3C-A9D6-5E28B0E061F2

I never threw that word around in my life knowing in my mind what I thought it meant, we’ll sort of. Intimacy = Sex.  I thought that and probably many think it just means being sexual between a couple.  I never gave it much thought.

Why did it take me so long to grasp that it was also a close relationship between two people in just their conversations and getting to know one another perhaps? B1DD3A33-78D6-40BE-B35B-CC0EF4DE3826Because it happens. To realize it covers a lot, more than sex, I felt somewhat ignorant to learn, just a year or so ago, the difference. It is a deeper connection, which is so nice.

So many times in my writings, I do mention my former counselor.  How can I not mention her?  She was a part of my life for four years on a weekly basis, if not twice a week, at times. This lady knew me better than anybody, besides God. Always will she be in my life, maybe not 621C63FE-8258-4C42-9AAE-07C173EEC19Ephysically, but in my testimony and how I relate to areas in my life that have been issues that I have overcome or I am still working on. Many lightbulb moments came about in those sessions, while deep and dark secrets, fears and sad and happy life moments were exposed and discussed. Definitely I was enlightened to life… past, present and future.

It was toward the end of our sessions together, before she resigned from her practice, that she said in one of our sessions and that was, we had an intimate relationship.  I remember just looking at her, thinking, ‘say what?’  It threw me off and made me wonder what does she mean by that. I have never had that said to me before. Actually, I never had someone care to know me as she did, trying to understand me.

Of course, I Google everything and research until I get what answer I am looking for and feel settled in that quest.  Sure enough, we did have an intimate relationship.  Again, a lightbulb moment.  I learned something new, which is always neat.

Who do you have an intimate relationship with, one that wants to knows you, your fears, your goals?

5EE8E9E9-B9D5-4083-8F9A-7E4F35EE35CCLet’s not forget God, our relationship with Him.  Intimacy with God. 15B0C5DC-8C9C-4582-8122-5411B72A921D

We all have intimate relationships with many around us.  We all need those close connections, at times.   Although knowing what we talked about within her four walls through the years, for the first time in life I felt heard, understood and cared about, I understood her comment.4BB561D0-8720-4E56-BE64-44501EBB811F

Just that, brings healing to a troubled soul dealing with life’s questions and uncertainties that nobody really cared to know.  I am so thankful for that intimate relationship, as I am healing in many ways, allowing the Lord to touch my heart where it had been broken and now to move forward in life.

071A445A-AFA3-44F0-B4D9-8C9FEF7A63E3If only she would read my writings to be encouraged herself of how she affected my life.  I truly have been blessed and feel this last part of my life will be the best.3048A824-3B05-4447-B6F0-6FAEF9E37FBB

Let Me Finish, Please!

C9F8A983-5BB4-4A18-9CB0-85F985DD35C0So much to say and to interject but I keep getting interrupted. Seriously! What gives? Am I not important? Are my comments not of importance? Sometimes I feel invisible and not seen or heard.867C00A7-A039-4719-AA6C-7B147C1EA052

This past weekend, I noticed this more than usual. It happens often but it got on my last nerve although I held it together and soon just shook my head, as it happened yet again. No wonder I am a quiet person and often felt insignificant in life.

I was with my sister last weekend, who lives about four hours away, so we were together all weekend. I love those weekends until she shuts me down in our conversations. I know our time is limited but geez Louise. Talking and laughing, we do a lot and to get it all in or out of our system seemed to be the case. We are both older so time is definitely limited. Faye is sixteen years older than I am but when we are together, we can shop, go and do, just not as long.

Still, I would start talking and then she would, over and over, interrupt me. I give up. I am patient but on the inside at times I found myself screaming, 336D8D78-1CC9-483C-95FB-81A271F5B2B4listen to me as I am not finished talking. I just move on and forget my information or story, who cares, is my attitude.  Maybe I am boring but still she doesn’t know me truly but this has been my life. Nobody really knows me. Perhaps this is why I like to write.

Anyway, I found it interesting and somewhat funny that when I met with my present counselor on the following Tuesday, he did the same, interrupted me. Good gravy!  It’s my counseling session, let me talk as I am not finished talking and telling whatever I was mentioning to him. That session was odd but usually they flow well. Was it me or was it him?

While I see another counselor also on Thursday, which is a whole other story that I can write about, of seeing two counselors. In that session, I did talk a lot and I probably had her head swimming although she said she was following me. We both laughed. I told her that my former counselor would be so proud of me for talking so much, as I was always quiet for the most part, listening and grasping her words and wisdom and rightfully so. I grew in those four years of counseling sessions, as I needed direction and healing in many areas and it was not always easy. Not that I am not growing now because I am but it is different with both counselors, and I am okay with that, as it is a transitional period for me, I feel. It’s all good, actually pretty nice. They are both awesome and I feel blessed to have them help me move forward, it is like accelerated counseling.

Thank God I am not the same person I was five years ago.

So if you made it this far in my writing of this blog, thank you. You let me finish. lol  I do enjoy laughter and hope this made you smile.  F95EC62A-46DB-443A-BF27-1452BB4CD7E7

Hope you have a wonderful day.

8E5CE35F-578B-4D3F-986C-8000175D2679Most importantly…                                                                    He knows my voice and He knows your voice.