Words Etched Within

Being one that never heard ‘I Love You’ ever in my life by my parents or family members, I find that I freeze when I do hear those words from others and especially someone that I look up to, usually in a motherly role to me. Whether it be shock or just trying to burn them in my mind so I never forget and hold onto, for when I need it.

I never could understand this whole scenario that I do until just the last several years. The abandonment and attachment issues I felt growing up left a big void within my life. I recognize that now thanks to my Counselor. While that little girl in me, attaches to motherly influences, and only a select few get that honor, but I can now stand back and figure out why it is happening.

Sometimes I just ponder what it would have been like in life to hear those words growing up. Perhaps I hear and appreciate the words more now and know the difference in true, heart-felt words spoken from another’s mouth that came from their heart. So many times I hear those words just thrown around, as in saying have a good day or see you later. I want the one-on-one, maybe with a hug or holding my hand and if on the telephone, a hesitation and those words spoken to me of I Love You. I want them to profoundly affect my heart and remain in my memory bank.  4fcdd5d3-8f9b-4942-81fd-1259c34d01a5-46610-000030d3db8f9d52

Those moments, I find that I write them down with a date in order to re-read them over and over in case I feel that they never were said. Did that really happen, were they really said or am I making it up pretending I heard ? If more recent, I find I repeat them often out loud in the moments I need reassurance, or just to remind myself that they were actually spoken…to me.

Being one of not receiving love spoken or shown in life but just knowing I was loved and cared for, because my goodness I am their child and/or a family member, it makes you grow up wondering and doubting what love really is and what it feels like.

Having two children, that is as close as I know what love is, as they are my life. Being married, I thought that was love until broken and hurt although I care, but it’s limited. A broken heart is hard to mend even though forgiveness comes and there is peace. The heart still aches with much hurt and reluctance to ever trust or love again. Leaving me with a doubt of love that emerges yet again, as a child and I just exist.

Recently, I had somebody say to me, and she was one that ended up in my select few, but said, ‘I care for you and I love you.’ I froze. Typical in the flight/fright/freeze mode that happens with childhood emotional neglect and abandonment issues also. In this instance and the quietness on the telephone afterward, I was questioning my hearing from this person’s words, which took me by surprise. I did not know whether to laugh or cry from shock. Totally not expected from her.

Those words, I wanted them etched in my brain to hold onto. Will my heart truly feel them or ever believe them? With her knowing me so well, she even asked if I would. As I repeat them over and over, even today, there is a shock within. I smile and at times I cry rehearsing those words spoken to me. Help me to believe and feel the care and love, Lord.

Even with the Lord, I know He loves me. I know He has His Hand upon me. The older I get, seeing how He has led and directed my path so far and has blessed me, how can I not believe He loves me. He is all I have sometimes, a lot of times. Still, I question His Love at times, too. I have to believe and know because I know He Loves Me. Faith.6e0d8cd0-2f1e-4d79-8aa8-34b217eb52c1-46610-000030d40413c920

So many people need to know that they are cared for, to be encouraged and to know they are loved. There is a lot of hurting people out there around us with masks on pretending all is well when behind the mask, they are falling apart. How do I know? I have worn that mask all my life.

Childhood emotional neglect and all the crazy, mixed up things that are tied with it can wreak havoc on the young and having lasting effects on the grown ups. They just want and need to feel sincere love.

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Left Untold

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The untold story will wreck havoc on a family so in denial.  Where to even begin.  Is it a book that is written in annomity or by fact?

Kind of reminds me of the book, The Help.  You know the characters but you have to surmise and wonder.

That’s where I am.  Where to begin.  I have bits and pieces all around me in notes, actual chapters of how and what went down but putting them all together and tying it together, is yet another thing.

We can all write a book probably and I sometimes think why would I want to add another to the shelves that are way more popular and exquisite than mine would be.  Still, I have an untold story that just may bring hope to another.  Or at least add to some juicy gossip.

Who knows what will transpire but if it is meant to be, it will.

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Panic Within

Being one that deals with abandonment through life, the panic grows within, when felt forgotten.  The torment that exists for those that deal with this is horrifying.   EE48EF49-01D6-4234-A327-7BE8E05F97DA

It is like trying to balance the thoughts like a seesaw going up and down, sometimes with a heavy thud on the ground, that you see on a playground, but knowing it will be okay.  I know I will get through this but the down side is fear, I’ll lose it.  Panic builds although I try to contain but the tears emerge and flow down my face wondering have I really been forgotten.

There is anticipation of a call or text but also fear of that, too.  Either way, the panic has pushed all the buttons to cause an emotional outburst internally and externally.   Unsure what to do or even say if or when that call or text is received.  Numb.  Basically freeze, which is typical of childhood emotional neglect.

Sadly, I’ve been through this so much in life, I know how to deal with it but it does not make it easy.  My heart breaks a little more through the pain.

8A18F3FA-659A-4381-954B-45D07F5CB991You take one day at a time   When that is too much, you take an hour at time, sometimes minutes.

The only hope is the Lord.  I know He will NEVER leave me or forsake me.  My head knows and truly believe that I have faith enough to grasp this promise but my heart doubts it.

Trust Him!

Flush of Anxiety

CB331623-7076-49D0-8D93-22FD46465B38Years upon years when I felt the sadness of a loss, thoughts of a loss or fear of losing someone, a feeling of heat to almost moreso a frozen flush would commence on the inside of my chest and flow downward.  Like flowing over my heart, the heartache and sadness from deep within.

The thought of loss at the moment of sadness, immediately the flush begins and ends, within seconds. The sensation is horrifying to be honest, which brings on added anxiety of panic.

Perhaps due to childhood emotional neglect, trauma and feelings of abandonment through life has not helped.  As I research and recognize this within my body, feeling sadness at the time, it is so bothersome.

How do you tell or explain such a thing happening as I am and have experienced?  Is it normal?  I don’t know.  Just pondering this and welcome feedback if you ever experience this.

Anxiety Sucks!