Isn’t it funny how things come about and make sense, perhaps years later, more like decades in my case?
As a small child, I was always told to sit down, be quiet and do not bother anybody or anything. I would go to work with my mom many times when she cleaned houses. I knew to never touch much less breathe on anything. What I did though was look at the beautiful homes we were in, imagine what it was like to live there. While we had a nice, clean home ourselves, it was my place to escape within my mind. I can still smell the Ivory bath soap and see the bathroom at Betty’s house. I can see the beautiful knick knacks and remember looking out the window in the side room to the back yard at Addie’s house. I was a good kid, I could entertain myself just within my thoughts. I had to in order to stay out of people’s way, including my mom. I was no bother.
Many times, I have noticed through the years that I would not call others, ask for help, etc,, and I am still that way. For instance, I have been given permission by my former counselor, in the past, and my present counselors to contact them, if needed. Each one, my comment is that I appreciate the offer but I did not and will not bother you and I don’t. The risk of rejection, of them having no time for me would only magnify the panic within me. In a situation at work, just yesterday, now I had to bother several and got a little more involved than usual. Perhaps that is me not being so independent, codependent, passive aggressive, etc., as I will take so much and then… Enough! Majority of the time, I will solve the issue and figure out how to rectify the problem for ease on me and all involved. As in this work situation, besides my time and a stress headache pounding on each heartbeat, I now have a solution and will put in place starting tomorrow. Done.
The imposition came to mind when discussing abandonment with my counselor yesterday. I was an unwanted burden. We both know this has been an issue for me in life. One of those things yet again, I never had a word for of how I felt until my former counselor identified. So, that is what I felt and it all made sense, that was just in the last five years. Not easy to work through but at least I am not questioning the whys within me.
Abandonment, odds are came early for me, birth to eighteen months. Seems unreal and kind of crazy to even consider but makes sense to tie all the lose ends together. No maternal bonding as that was one of my questions wondering why our relationship was not like most mother-daughter connections. There was never a mushy greeting card to reflect what was not there, ever. Still she was my mom. One of those moments, all my life, to sit back and look at the situation but never understanding.
“If my own mother can’t love me, who can?” “Is there something wrong with me.”
Talking to him about this abandonment, I remembered mom’s words many times through the years the fact that right after having me, the day we came home from the hospital, she had to make Thanksgiving dinner. Back then, they kept mother and baby for days in the hospital, unlike today.
So, with a large family already, knowing I was the seventh child, seven years younger from my sister, other family members visiting, you know the general holiday gathering of family and friends, odds are I was tossed from one to another and that continued. Take care of your sister and don’t make her cry. I heard that so often, as she did not really care to hold or even hear me. How sad. I have always felt and known I was an oops baby. To realize even back then, I was an imposition as a baby, a young girl, adult and still an almost retired lady, it kind of does something to you.
Partly, there is shock and working through for healing but then comes strength in knowing the facts. With all the comments, whether in joking, sarcasm and perhaps hatred of being in the way, it happened to me. I heard all of that and it affected me, more than I realized.
As I told my mom while sitting on her bed, while she was putting laundry away, and out of her way; it was when I was about seven or eight, I questioned if I was a mistake with no reply. I still remember that day, as if it was yesterday. I shrugged my shoulders probably knowing already or why would I even ask, but then said to her that perhaps I am here to take care of you and dad later in life. That actually took place, until their deaths. Out of the mouths of babes.
While I may have been an oops, an imposition, a bother, felt the abandonment in life, I know one thing for certain and that I am a child of God. I think I even knew it back then, too, but nobody to encourage me spiritually. I know that He does not make mistakes. I am not a mistake. I know that He loves me. I am loved and lovable. The ‘I Am’ statements are not just off the wall and flippant but necessary and truth behind each one. It has taken me years to truly grasp His Love for me. It’s when you know because you know. Joy!
So many times in life, we are put down, ridiculed, etc., to where we do not know the who, what, when, where and whys in life. But God… It’s when you put your trust in Him and believe He has your life in His Hands, and trust Him and watch your faith grow, then the other does not matter as much.
I am no bother or imposition to God. He is there for me 24/7 as He is for you. Trust Him.