It’s a Secret

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As we still trudge through this virus all over the world and we will for a bit, we will get through this, just not as quick as I would like, for you also no doubt. This is not just a my four and no more situation, dealing with a family stomach bug being passed from one family member to another, under the one roof. To think how vast this virus is, is almost inconceivable. Massive!

I am not here to discuss my theories or others about it but what I have noticed looking out over my face mask and the daily observations.  Looking over your face mask, for one, you do not see what is in front of you, your peripheral vision is blocked and can easily trip.

No doubt about it, the masks are hot to wear. Some have come to the point of let’s wear them and get through this pandemic perhaps faster. In the beginning, I wondered if it was a pride issue with the bully-type voice, I’m not wearing those. I had to question myself months ago for this reason or for the fact of possibly being made fun of 90F608BF-6BDA-4F1F-B9C9-E5C9B14C9DF7by wearing it. I believe that was my main issue, please don’t make fun of me, the freeze response that gets triggered within. Of course, we still have the rebellious ones that still will not wear one although pretty much mandated. We all have things in life we don’t want to do and sometimes they throw an adult temper tantrum.  Do I like wearing the mask? No, I do not. Do I wear the mask? Yes, if I am out and about, observing the rules or in a close quarters, such as an elevator and the other person has a mask on, out of respect, I will put one on. Respect for others, just wear the mask.

In regard to the mask, I noticed more yesterday in myself, I miss the full facial, one-on-one discussions seeing their mouth move, the smiles, just overall expressions. As I sat in my counselor’s office, both of us wearing a mask, both hating this, I missed seeing him, his full face and no doubt this makes it hard for him to not see my face in observation. They are great to catch tears that fall though. I just miss faces and how beautiful people are.

I have joked while wearing my mask at work as I pass a co-worker from another floor in the hallway or an attorney, etc., as we squint trying to realize who we are with one another and then I jokingly say, I really am 3263BBF5-F3C3-47A8-A0CA-917489263E90smiling under this mask and it is good to see you and we move on in that brief moment. There is rarely those moments of standing and talking, asking about work, their families, etc. Rules… stay six feet away, reading and being reminded of the many stickers on the floor. A lot like the game, Twister (go here, go there). I miss the freedom and the contact of reaching out to pat another’s arm to comfort them during a rough patch in life. Everyone is hesitant to show that concern or even offer a hug and if so, a hesitation not knowing if it will be received. This makes me so sad. There are certain ones in my life, we hug and to not get that hug, I am unsure how I will react. The mask, the virus is all like an individual jail cell.

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This past month though I have known some that did get the virus. A few are in the hospital, some are at home with symptoms and dealing with the fatigue is what I most hear. Too close to home. These people are those from my church. The churches were opening up and oh how nice it was to go, sing, worship, hear a message in person, actually see church family and feel somewhat normal once again. I realized early on in this pandemic that the last time I walked out the church doors, back in March, walking back in months later that I would not be the same person. I am not. I am better. I have had to depend upon the Lord even more than before, pray and worship alone and know that He is my (our) source to get through this battle with the pandemic. Draw close to Him.

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Attending those few services and our faith and joy being together once again, I felt within that I needed to back off and decided not to attend. Was it fear or was the Lord warning me, I was unsure. The next Sunday, there was not a live, in-person service but rebroadcasts, now for weeks. Strange! That is not like my pastor or church so I knew something was wrong and my suspicions were correct. The Covid19 virus was running rampant from the pastor and with members. Nothing was said. Questions within me of what is up. There was no Facebook talk or gossip between those that you know will have freedom to share. Nothing! I kept quiet and watched, listened and read but still nothing. I mentioned this to my friend in Arizona and that I feel something is not right, I feel like the virus has hit but nothing being said. Why?  It’s all secrecy of what is happening. It is one of those moments, if it looks like a duck and sounds like a duck, it’s a duck. Once, weeks later, I found myself disappointed and angry that the church members in attendance, me included, was not informed that this was indeed happening with others. No 7F392A62-BB59-412E-BE76-B4250382A69Ctracing of the contacts, just getting through it, hopefully. I did not care for it and felt like it was deception. Again, too close to home and I found myself more guarded with others, which brings isolation and distance. We need each other.

Just yesterday, which prompted this writing was when our accountant was in the office, using my desk for financial reports on my computer, she whispers that another employee she does work for has Covid19. The whisper. I had to ask what she had just said and sure enough what I thought she said. Wondering why the whisper in my office alone. Of course, in my mind I had to wonder just if…. if she was in his office and he ended up with it, now she is in my office and on my computer, a little panic stirred within me. I have no doubt we all pass people who have it, had it or carrying it. I know I/we cannot live in fear and the percentage of getting it is a possibility. It is just the secrecy of it all that I am seeing and hearing.

I guess I am still stuck on my Pastor not sharing right up in the beginning with his congregation. Perhaps not verbally but maybe at least a notice on the rebroadcasts that scrolls across the screen of an alert. I was in service. I may not have it but I could be a carrier. I deserve to know, as you would.

As we wake each day and have no symptoms, we need to be thankful. Pray for those that are dealing with symptoms and a full-blown case of the virus at home or in the hospital. Those front-line nurses and doctors and many others that help us maintain a somewhat normal lifestyle. Remembering, too, those that have lost loved ones through this  pandemic.

It is no secret that this is real.  …..Stay Well…..

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