I find that childhood issues can wreck havoc even in a grown adult, me. I have heard that many times. Or the phrase, adult problems are childhood issues. Still, understanding after many years of counseling of childhood issues and childhood emotional neglect, just to name a couple. Well how about rejection and abandonment, too. I still get triggered and a panic felt within as I want to just cry, but I freeze. I recognize this more so because my voice gets lower and somewhat shaky when trying to remain calm so the one I am talking to will not notice, but inside I am falling apart.
Last week, due to the pandemic, I had a telephone appointment with a nurse practitioner, which I actually like and may prefer this type of appointments. It was when she wanted to refer me back to a Endocrinologist, as she has been treating me, I thought we were doing just fine. While I understood, I was feeling as if she did not want me anymore and with that suggestion, feeling the effects of rejection and abandonment yet again in my old age. It’s like a, ‘What the Heck‘ response. It took me a bit to get over, as I went down the rabbit trail of which it brings forth within me. I even asked her because I knew how it was affecting me in this call, Do you not want me anymore? Of course, she does but perhaps a specialist might need to step in as my blood work is off since a thyroidectomy years ago.
Anyway, with that and then thinking back of my former counselor leaving for medical reasons, I took that upon myself for a bit as it was my fault or that I did not help matters with my issues dumped on her. Wondering if I gave her burnout. I do realize that is not so and plus she needed to take care of herself if that was the case. The whole ordeal with her leave was horrendous for me, I felt totally abandoned while we were actively discussing abandonment, so I saw this in a whole new light and degree. I have written many blogs of my time with her and now of no longer her client due to closing her office. In this scenario, feeling she did not want me anymore.
I was thrown out to the wolves. I mentioned to her when walking me to the door actually in my last, unknowingly last appointment, just that. Requesting she not walk me to the door, throwing me out to the wolves with a quick kick on my backside of get out. I know that was not truth but the enemy within my mind wanted me to think so in order to keep me down, feeling unworthy and good for nothing. I hate the feeling of not being wanted, unliked, unloved or just rejected.
To pinpoint exactly when this made a profound mark on my life of feeling not wanted, I doubt I will ever know unless it was my actual birth. I was an oops baby, I know that. Seven years my mom thought she was done having children and then I appeared. It makes one feel all warm and fuzzy inside (sarcastic tone). Perhaps that was it or later, but I can tell you how often I felt this way, which was all of my life. The lingering effects can also bring shame, feeling unlovable and asking myself what is wrong with me.
Had it not been for my time in counseling to understand such matters, I would not be writing this. Many aha moments came in those four years of understanding me, finally.
I have learned also, in this instance or others, that if I experience these thoughts and feelings, others do, too. Many times as we go through such we feel alone, as nobody would understand or would want to take time to listen and care. I am not alone. There are many that could say, “Me, too!”
Do you not want me? This has played out enough in my life that I hate feeling all the entangled emotions. It feels as if my heart drops in despair.
Whether it be my own family, friends, co-worker, counselor, Doctor, etc., even if they do not want me, I have to know and remember the One who does want me.
The Lord loves me. He wants only the best for me. He is my ALL those listed in One, to me. His love is all I need to be concerned about and when I make myself stop and remember just that, there is peace and love from Him to lift my spirits up and be happy.
So whether it is me or if you can relate and question if loved and wanted, just stop and realize and acknowledge that you are loved and you are wanted.
As those that believe and trust in the Lord, that He helps us and will lead us through life, but knowing there are those that don’t, and no doubt He has the same question, “Do You Not Want Me?”
Abandonment fear often stems from childhood loss. This loss could be related to a traumatic event, such as the loss of a parent through death or divorce. It can also come from not getting enough physical or emotional care. These early childhood experiences can lead to a fear of being abandoned by others later in life.