Good Isolation

E0F55AC4-B2CE-4AB6-82AF-28767BC86EA7Lord, what is happening?

For years upon years, I had been so hurt, accused, lied about and lied to, betrayed, and it came to a point that I totally shut down, became a hermit, isolated myself besides going to work.

I had always been a strong, independent individual because I had to be but it came to a point, I doubted my very being.  Who am I?  Maybe I am bad and everything said about me was true, but I tried and did what I felt what was right in God’s eyes.  Realizing Satan was successful in his plan to isolate me, and I was too weak to fight.

I quit a lot of social events, made excuse after excuse of not attending church, changed jobs because of stress of the one and with that it was as if I was walking blindly into the new job, questioning that, too.  With that move, it was a God thing!

So many things started to line up and I felt I was getting stronger but needed a push, which was when I started with my counselor.  I did not make that decision in haste but with prayer, research of many and of her and more prayer.

DF52497E-40A8-4AD2-8244-DBDFA6DC6148As we discussed and as time went on, my isolation became less and it was nice to feel life once again. The door of the dark despair of isolation was opened.

Here I am again though but a different type of isolation.670EF6A5-2313-471C-A160-172493557C6F

Now, it seems like everyone is leaving me.  Two of my best friends moved out of state.  Now who am I going to meet for lunch or shop with?  My counselor took a leave of absence and may or may not return so I really feel lost, my office moves in an office area of being off the beaten path in a large building and seeing nobody for hours on end and not to forget, there are no windows.  Where is everyone?

56CB1D04-D5BC-4388-BC37-71CADB88EE5CLeaving work one night, yes at night because I am so alone in there and no windows, I lose track of time.  I realized I am yet again isolated.  It kind of stopped me in my tracks, questioning the Lord what is up with this.

I get a grip and my wings start to flutter from being in a cocoon for so long and yet I feel as though I am back in it, kicking and pushing through the emotions and fear but yet there is peace.

Sometimes I feel we are alone to put our focus totally on the Lord, and I understand that and I am doing just that although I fail.   What is the purpose of this aloneness and walking alone?  There a lost, blind feeling in my steps right now.

FBFA9104-AE45-4C8C-9E75-2E2D27F3F122Perhaps He is carrying me yet again.  I have to hope for just that as I did years ago.

I will not give up and if you are in this journey, too, don’t give up.  He knows who you are (I am) and He knows where you are (I am) going.   There is hope.  Trust Him.

Sometimes it is easier said than done.

Seasons of being alone and isolated can actually bring about a lot of spiritual growth.  I welcome that.

 

Feels Like Forever

Time has passed and I have not talked to you.  So many times I think of you and wonder what it is like for you now.  What are you doing?  How are you?  The questions roll over and over, day after day in my mind.  You are missed! 62E5DB0E-AE92-4FBB-8FA5-9995B07D3C4D
While the time has been just a few weeks, it feels like a year.  I so miss you and I miss talking to you.  Do you ever think of me?  Do you ever wonder what it is like for me, what I am doing or how I am?
Grief has a way to digging into our heart and thoughts and feelings of our relationship that is of non-existence, which makes me sad.  Time was devoted and now there is none. 271E1CDA-1BFE-4760-91A3-AF632A6781C3
My mind can go to the negative quickly, as I am dead to you now, but I choose not to do that.  I try anyway.  Whether you like it or not, I was a part of your life.  Many times I expressed my heart and feelings to you, you know I care.  I still do.
I am healing slowly and getting through the raw feelings of being abandoned, yet again.  The tears are less and the smiles are upon my face more and I accept a new normal to my usual routine of life.
74E7FA61-57BF-4538-8E69-54FA18A396D1The void is still present but being filled and I am allowing just that.
Grief, whether in death or in real-life losses, it is still grief.
Take one day at a time.  Wipe the tears, cherish the memories and go forward.
You have to!

Once Was

Happy Anniversary LetteringThe day after!

I woke up earlier than need be after a restless night of sleep.  This time with the thought of my wedding anniversary, my 29th one that bypassed without a word the day before.  I’m okay with that although I found the day held a gloom over it. Sadness in my body of knowing what was, that has not been, that is not now or will ever be.

He is always good at giving me a card that is usually set out by my coffee pot, knowing I will see it there and sure enough there it was.  He’s very routine. The card acknowledged by me but dismissed.   I doesn’t matter anymore, it just brings sadness. I looked at the card, read it and placed gently back in the envelope and placed on my wire rack where an place cards received and mementos to show off, for just a period of time.  

Thankfully, as I read, he is broke from writing ‘I Love You‘ after all these years.  Those words written and read produced anger within me for years wondering how he just does not get it.   It was fourteen years ago that his words spoken to me in our counselor’s office, not my Counselor of present, and neither one of them thought anything or replied of my WOW comeback of shock, which was, “I don’t love her and I don’t think I ever did.” I was done, with both of them.

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How in the world was I to take those words and go on with being a wife, have sex and act as though we were happy.   My heart was crushed.  Plus ignored that night in counseling by both him and the counselor and then blamed that those words were taken out of context by him.  An apology never received but that I misconstrued his words.

Numb.  I was so numb which later turned to anger and hatred as the days, months and years numbered.  These words just added to the chaos I felt.  All these years with him and finding porn much earlier, which prompted the marriage counseling after much prodding on my part to bring him. How could all of this happen? To discuss issues was out of the question because he would turn away and avoid any confrontation so I was left to reel in this life of unhappiness of existence alone. The elephant in the room Syndrome and sweep it all under the rug.   

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Years passed after leaving this marriage counselor and just an existence of an empty shell remained of me. Trying with everything inside of me to raise two boys and maintain sanity. Not easy but I did that for them. I became a real good actress to those around me and in church. I was dying inside.

Yes, many will say the boys would have been better off if we had divorced, but I knew that each of them had my care and watch upon them. I truly do not think he would do that and he would let them run astray. I feel proud today knowing I stuck it out and they are both successful young men.

While I am not ignorant of the fact that they have had some emotional turmoil and issues growing up and will have to face some as an adult because of this, but I will pat myself on the back for sticking it out through some hell but also kicking myself of some of the hell that they experienced. I had to trust the Lord then and I do now.

This past year though along with the years of counseling with my personal counselor that I write about, I began to get a grip of myself, my life and of this so-called business partnership, marriage that I am a part of and that is of boundaries. What a difference.   

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While we are still legally married and under the same roof, it is not a marriage and no intention of it being any different, til death do us part (or divorce do we part). Today, I can be in the same room and carry on a conversation with him but it is all a general, life discussion. Typical with Aspergers, which makes sense why I felt like I was going crazy with this man. Years ago, I walked into my counselor’s office feeling almost dead in all areas of my life. 

Holding onto a thread of hope, which she gave me and I truly feel the Lord led me to her. Otherwise, I do not know where I would be right now. Somebody heard me, understood me and I did not feel so alone in life. Research, reading and getting grounded in knowledge of what I was going through opened my eyes and my life restored to a point of existence and wanting to exist.  The counselor does their part but it takes the client to do their part, too.

Thankfully today, the tension and much hatred is gone and that has been nice.  I am hoping and going on that the Lord has changed and healed me in many areas.  I am not responsible for him.  Forgiveness goes without saying, a must.  This did not come overnight, but today I am happier, allowing myself boundaries in this so-called business-marriage relationship.  For now, it works.

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Grief Sucks

5076C768-66B7-4F0C-9109-D7DA0CEF41E9In death and in life, losing someone that you care for is heart wrenching and unbearable.  At times the tears fall so hard and fast that seem like they will never stop.  They sometimes appear at the most unusual times and I can’t stop them.  When alone at night, the overwhelming loss seems to be too much for me to contain, the void exists.

How many days will the tears come?  Nowadays, it’s counting how many days that they don’t.  I have lost so many loved ones to death.  I, too, have lost many in life.  Whether our paths end and we go our separate ways or maybe I pull away afraid to get hurt, sometimes both. Then with a dead marriage and children leaving and stretching forth their independence, the moments hit when loneliness brings hopelessness.

Questions emerge of asking God all the whys.  Why did you allow this?  All the symptoms of grief circle around me.   Feelings of not knowing who I even am or what am I to do now and just the numbness that freeze me in fear.

Pencil Sketches Cry Girl With Boy Little Girl Crying Drawing At Getdrawings | Free For PersonalOne thing I do know… tomorrow is a new day.  To rest and usually cry myself to sleep is the norm.  It’s knowing that God knows my heart and the heaviness I feel within that gives me hope.  It’s trusting in Him when there is nobody else and pushing myself out the door when I would rather hide under the covers in total depression.  I go but there are days I wear a mask, but I go.

Grief can stop you in your tracks, whether it is with the living or the dead.  Either way, it sucks.  Just keep walking through it.  The tears will be less, the grief settles down within and a new norm will come about.  Memories of the good still exist, treasure them.

 

 

Where Am I Going?

DF6F6EC3-C9F6-41FB-8722-F74D7C370EEFI’m unsure what lies ahead.  Truly, do any of us know?  Things in our daily life can change in an instant and our lives disrupted of the boring norm that exists.  I know at times life does get monotonous and joy seems so far away, as it happens.

Thankfully, I am not dealing with a loss in a death but it sure feels like it some days.  Perhaps, I am at this point because I had so much of an attachment to someone that in order to recognize and stop this process, God had to rip this person away.  How mean that it is of Him to do!  While I understand, it still does not help my coping at times.  He is a jealous God.

47100026-CA7B-427E-A2EC-25BCC24F7E2CWith that, we are not to be jealous of others but that scripture say He is.  Isn’t that contradiction?   Again, I understand that He Is because He Is and my faith in Him is of utmost importance but my mind has problems unraveling the idea of this jealousy.

All through my life, I have attached myself to others for their direction, wisdom and care.  A child with emotional neglect will undoubtedly reach out searching for such and rightfully so in order to feel loved and cared for.  Recognizing this now in my adult years, I do understand why I did it and still lean in that fashion. Childhood issues lurk long after childhood, causing adult issues and some all the way to the grave.

Losing yet another support person in my life is like the rug has been pulled out from under me.  I feel lost, lonely and grasping at air to hold on.  Sometimes screaming within and even aloud, ‘I need you.’

Along with childhood issues, trust in many was limited and still I let very few in my world. Acquaintances perhaps to enjoy laughter but not to know my heart, only a select few.  I don’t think there is anything wrong with that, as we need to be selective.

1DA59647-69F5-467D-9D25-64872142728CAs I faced a hurdle just recently, I don’t know what to do or where to go, what steps to take.  What I do know is to remain still and allow God to position my steps and my way.  This time in waiting is painful and lonely.  At times, I feel anger rise up.  All of these emotions are normal.  With Him, I scream within and aloud, ‘I need You.’

 

WTH Am I Doing?

3959F1E8-DCC3-42A4-A770-E32A71F0E159What in the world was I thinking?  Discouragement hits an all-time high in my life this week.  The negative words within my mind take over as I try to shake them out over and over again but feeling hopeless.

Panic sets in and immobilizes me in my steps to move forward. Tears fall like a water faucet and I keep drowning in the whoa is me, unworthiness.  Never finishing anything or amounting to much and that is where I am.  What the hell was I thinking that I could make a move to better myself in a class, thinking fate lined this up or that God had a plan.  Tonight I doubt Him, my life and everything ahead of me.  Where am I?  Where am I going?   AD9DE022-3DFE-4FB5-B067-AC15BDF77943

I had managed to get out of a hole of isolation after years of counseling, taking better care of my health, but I feel the sinking feeling once again and it scares the daylights out of me.   Where is my counselor?  Why did she have to leave?   Years of weekly sessions come to an abrupt halt and still after a month, I am going down.  My support has been taken from me.  With everything else in life and with this class that I thought I could handle, I feel the grief and even anger of it all.  A visible, physical person that I could confide and trusted like none other, is no longer.  Now, nothing!  Gone.  I’m lost.

The questions within overwhelm my thoughts so often.  Who am I?  What is this purpose?  When will this pain be over?  Where will tomorrow take me?  Feeling like a person that I can and have confidence to do what I want, which is a good place to be, but then discouragement takes hold and the confidence is canceled out doubting my own existence.

Knowing full well, and that is to put one foot in front of the other allowing my body to function in its own way of breathing, with the heart beating and feel the emotions as they come.  Deep down, I know the Lord has me in the palm of His Hand.  We all go through periods of discouragement, loneliness and hopelessness, only to mention a few, and perhaps my honestly and vulnerability will help another, you.

All I know right now, tonight, I will get through this period.   Tomorrow comes with a new outlook.

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Now What?

632BA1E3-A01A-44A2-9445-6602D14F413BWhat do I do?  Where do I go?

Today, after four years of weekly counseling visits, sometimes two, of course minus vacation weeks by my counselor or sickness of either one of us, has ended.  It has been long, hard, insightful and an investment that I would do all over again.

It was meant to be that I found her at the time in my life. I was going down and going fast.  The Lord directed my steps and used her to help me. Forever, I will be grateful.

Now, I am faced moreso after basically an exit telephone call due to some health issues for her.  I’m lost!  The abandonment and attachment that has been with me as a child, which has been a part of our client/counselor relationship, knowingly and us working through, but no more.  What do I do? 63C482A4-D2AB-4C58-87D0-441F1E36ED5E

The thought of starting and being encouraged from her to find another, I feel a dread within.  It’s exhausting to break in another counselor.  I don’t want to rehearse my past.  Is it possible to highlight but move forward in healing or will the new one want to know all the good, bad and the ugly to bring me back to where I am today?   Then, what if they leave?  Abandoned yet again.

Its crazy to know I need a new counselor to deal with my last counselor but the grieving process is overwhelming at times.  While some may not understand, realize that this woman has been a part of my life for four years.  We both invested in one another.  Things we have discussed, only God knows besides her.  That’s huge!

I felt closer to her than my own siblings. While they love me, they don’t know me. Never did.  I truly have been blessed but now I walk blindly trying to know what to do. Lord, put another Christian Counselor, as you did before, in my path so I can continue on my journey and heal from the hurts within.

My heart will forever be thankful but for the time being, it hurts. 735B543F-5162-4B9A-8619-1C1B439882F5