Driving Miss Daisy

No doubt you have heard, ‘Driving Miss Daisy’ or have seen the cute movie. Yesterday, I was Miss Daisy and have been in the past. My husband of thirty-one years is my Uber driver for medical procedures only when required, otherwise I am on my own.

I have had my share of procedures and surgeries in my life. The medical side of it all does not phase me, I find it interesting. To know what to expect, I usually Google or YouTube to watch prior to the actual procedures. I know some are reading this and thinking, Oh No! I do. If I mention or ask questions, which I do, the doctor or dentist will look shocked. I want to know. I found myself yesterday sitting up and looking over at the instruments going to be used on me, while waiting on the team to finalize their stuff. The nurse asked if I was okay, which made me realize what I was doing. Part of me wanted to be awake to watch and learn. Although, I knew I’d rather be knocked out and I was.

As with all medical procedures, as such, no driving, no making legal decisions and recommended that someone should be home or near the day of surgery or procedure, especially. Normal stuff, right?

No matter and all through the years, I have found that my husband stinks at this requirement. The driving to and from is fine. It is the aftercare that he has no sense of what to do, even when told. It’s free time off work and off he goes to play disc golf or whatever. Yesterday was no exception. Of course, I am resting and laying low but to not even ask if I was okay, needed anything, etc., did not happen. I see him drive off into the wild blue yonder. Part of me perturbed yet again, but I’ve learned to just throw up my hands and give up. I have to be strong and push through. Don’t mess with his routine of playing disc golf, the same time, every day. I could be dead and he’d never know. The routine business of his day for him is typical of having Aspergers.

I just don’t understand him and odds are he does not understand me. Opposites attract is correct, I guess. After this length of time, neither of us care. Just drive me to and from for required circumstances and we both can go on our own way thereafter. It would just be nice to have been doted on more in my life instead of just expecting me to pick up and go, even after major surgery, of which I have done numerous times. I am woman, I am strong, I can do it all. I have had to. It gets old and I am getting old.

To write and read this and to believe he does such, just trust me. I just don’t understand and find it sad. Once, I had written down what to do and how this day of surgery was to take place for me. I thought he understood, as we discussed. It was in black and white, numbered and all he had to do was follow the steps and be at the hospital at the time of my surgery. He was not there. The surgeon allowed extra time to wait on him and then talked to me as I am there in the surgery waiting area to go through the doors of the operating room. He did not want to continue with surgery because of his absence. He was mad. I was mad but what was I to do? I told him to continue on, I was fine with going forward. I was alone before, I was alone at this point and I will always be alone. There you go. Thankfully, I always wake from anesthesia quick, and I really think the Lord knows I need to do so in order to keep things moving forward at home.

Thinking back of such incidents, telling my counselor of what I have dealt with, it seems unreal. Like my thoughts and telling my stories are lies. Unbelievable, but they are all real. Whether it be Aspergers or just a lack of common sense, I don’t know but it is what it is. Knowing where I am now, my health has and is taking a beating from the pressure. This makes me angry and to see him drive off to go play while I could use a bottle of water and a snack perhaps. I’ll go get it myself.

One thing about it, I had a ride to and a ride from the procedure, as he drove Miss Daisy.

So in all of this, not meaning to whine and have a poor me, pity party, perhaps it will wake someone up that is reading this or knows of someone similar, as to how not to treat your loved one. They are out there, whether man or woman, and clueless of what is required and needed for such medical or just day-to-day existence.

We are wired to be loved and cared for in life, especially in a relationship. Otherwise, it is very lonely and after awhile you learn to let go and not need the other so much. Sad.

Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you.” (Deuteronomy 31:8 NLT)

https://fiercemarriage.com/presence-midst-lonely-marriage

https://drmichellebengtson.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/07/15-Bible-Verses-to-Assure-You-When-You-Feel-Alone-Your-RX.jpg

An Unexpected Place

I am sure I am not alone and this has happened with you or someone you know. It is going to a doctor, whether a new one or just a visit, perhaps routine or having an issue. It always calls for blood work, another pill or a test that may require more tests. It’s like a spinning wheel that you cannot get off.

Exactly where I have been the past two months and today was a long day of tests. Thank God they are over. The last two CT scans were nothing. It was the first one that took an effort to plan and get to the hospital out of my area for this test. Being on the road at 6 a.m. was not something I would want to do daily. I realized there are a lot of people on the road this early, as the traffic was backed up in several places. Why aren’t they at home drinking coffee and leaving later, and out of my way?

A new hospital to me but probably better than most that I am familiar with, as it was easy to get in, park and find my department. As I looked around from my seat at the registration desk, I saw a room and figured I would be placed in one for my procedure. Nope, I was led to a big room of many reclining chairs and IV pumps. As I entered, I felt my body just stop but my mind thinking I don’t like this. Fear hit. The thoughts of knowing each empty chair, had held many people with the same fear I felt, some hopeful and some hopeless as this is their chance to keep living. I was the first to be in this empty room as the Nurse handled my records and soon starte my IV.

One by one, the chairs filled from those older than me, the same age and then a young girl, maybe mid- twenties came in with her beanie hat on, knowing there was no hair underneath it. What I did like was that most patients had a support person beside them, which shocked me due to this Covid19 restrictions. Even though, it made me happy they had one by their side to talk to or just be there. Only two of us had nobody with us.

I was okay with this, being alone, until the injection was administered slowly. I could feel the medicine injected hit me and the heat although it was cold settle right below my rib cage. Oh my, I don’t like this either. Unsure what I expected but not that feeling. Each slow push, this sensation would return. The Nurse was very attentive, as she knew the first push was an eye-opening experience for me. Here I am in a room full of others, but in this time period of her finishing my injection, nobody else mattered. I had to deal with myself. I think I finally disconnected from it all especially when the man next to me was nauseous, as I was. He had a different procedure but we both were struggling. The thought of, ‘Oh Mr. please do not get sick because I will be right behind you.’ Not a good turn of events for the Nurses or others, if so. Mentally, I had to disengage and just be still. At this point, if this did not lessen, wondering if I could even drive home, or if I would faint upon standing due to the shock.

After an hour or so, I did feel back to normal, knowing I don’t want to deal with this sensation or a room as such ever again. It was then I looked over at the young girl, with a life ahead of her that may or may not be and knowing, too, she has been through way much more than I did in those few hours. It’s those I want to take their place, as I’m old. The filled seats, the IV pumps beeping, hearing the drips of the one next to me, the aroma of medical plastic, antiseptics used and that once warm blanket now room temperature on each of our bodies, was pretty surreal.

This is what many people deal with often. No doubt their first time walking in this big room of chairs with or without people, I am sure they did not like it either and fear struck them. Thankfully the medical technology has improved so much to have this available. Many will walk in, walk out and return. Many will walk in and walk out and not return. Hopefully, for the good.

I really liked the hospital and the people. I had a great Nurse but they were all awesome with the patients and working well together. If anything, this stopped me to realize a little more of what others go through when getting chemo, dialysis, platelets, infusions, etc. To have more empathy of the patients and a deeper appreciation of the Nurses. I watched both today as an outsider looking in, from my chair in the corner, of an unexpected place.

Nitrous Glow

Whether you hate or you like it, it is all a personal choice, that is of nitrous oxide at the dentist office.

51D852CC-2E54-4815-BBEE-1BD198F3E152I’m a better patient with it.

This past Tuesday, I had an appointment, one among many in my life, it was my turn to have a much dreaded dental procedure, an implant.  While not my first, I was just not looking forward to the pain ahead of me. I had just had a migraine and head pain was taking its toll on me.

On my mind was, please do not numb me until I am well on my way to a land of I do not care, as much with the nitrous oxide (aka laughing gas).D5B37D56-61F9-466A-9159-3E382D829192

In past appointments, being in this position, my adrenaline has been high at times and the nitrous was not doing what it should, always hearing them suggest breathe deep through your nose. I felt panic although I trusted the dentist ‘my man’ as my co-workers call him, as I was there so often when getting crowns, etc.

So as I was settled in, now numb and feeling at ease somewhat, I was determined to breathe more abdominally as my counselor taught me in order to relax. I wanted the max of this nitrous today, it had been a rough week, and it was only Tuesday.  I don’t drink, I don’t do drugs but I like my nitrous oxide, which is always funny when I tell this to others. I think I put them in a state of shock, which is even more funnier. 17E39B26-2239-4F5A-B8D2-CD95894CBD95

My sister says it makes her cry. My husband poses to be a macho man so he would have the dentist do most dental work with nothing, which is just insane. His best friend did this so I guess he feels he needs to do the same. Who knows!

As I am lying in the chair and feeling pretty good, I close my eyes and sense the symptoms of nitrous in my body. It seems to come in waves for me, perhaps my breathing patterns or perhaps meant to be, so it is not too much and continuously, I don’t know. As my body and then my eyelids relaxed, I see a soft white glow, my mind wanders 28B76B30-B9BC-4B4A-BB03-4652DF10EB4Eand I think perhaps this is what dying feels like. It allows me to think and ponder on such instead of what is happening in my mouth. While that brings a sense of joy, I know I am deep in the flow of it all now but then a jolt of panic hits me thinking what if I am dying here in this chair. Thank God I do not do drugs, this is all I can handle. The glow, the nitrous glow, is only the fluorescent light in the ceiling and the light shining on my mouth as he works. Still, I wonder if the light will shine so bright on my face one day when I do die.

In my experience, having nitrous, I can escape and think of things that are often creative, as with this blog, the nitrous glow of what heaven would be like, etc. I escape E6055BF6-CD39-4F74-89AA-9E005BE877B8all the troubles and stressors of my life in this time. Music, especially those songs that are meaningful anyway, become surreal and tears will flow down from the corners of my eyes to my neck dropping teardrops on my dental napkin or clothing. I wonder if the assistant sees my tears flow thinking if I am in pain. If she only knew my joy, as the song goes deep into my soul, knowing that God knows all about me and feeling what a precious time it was to know of His presence while in the dentist chair being tortured by ‘my man’ so my smile will remain.

42A8F448-BB3C-45AA-A7E4-EBF32DABF1FDOf course, the nitrous is over, the effects of his handiwork are being felt as the numbing is wearing off. I have a feeling I will feel this for a few days. I need more nitrous, I miss the glow. Just pass me a pain pill, I’ll make due.

It will all be worth it. I will SMILE because I am happy. FFCE5428-4BC0-4BF1-8578-FB019BDE7A93

 

 

0BA7723B-4305-467A-B699-8325A784EFE9

“Let my soul smile through my heart and my heart smile through my eyes, that I may scatter rich smiles in sad hearts. Smile, it is the key that fits the lock of everybody’s heart. Smile in the mirror. Do that every morning and you’ll start to see a big difference in your life.”

https://www.wiseoldsayings.com/smile-quotes/

64AFDACF-F26A-4B72-8F85-CFFF05C9686D