I was sent an old photo today from my oldest son, eleven years ago, his last year of college. One of those pop up photos on Facebook, of the four of us.
Eleven years ago! It seems like so much longer. Unsure if that is a good statement or not. What I did see was my family, but much more. The boys have matured so much and so much has happened in those eleven years. Thankfully, mostly good.
What I glanced at and tried not to go deep in thought, was me in this photo. Here I am writing about it. Sadness. I was desperate for help and clarity in my life. Depression knocking at my door daily. My boys were growing up, one in college. The other one lost in his own decisions about life and direction. His so-called friends did not help matters and I had to be the bully mom to stand up through some ordeals.
In me, I saw the heaviest of weight on my body, the sadness in my eyes, even though the mask worn was happy to those in my path to see only the best.
There was so much wrong in my situation, and even in this photo but I shut down from sharing. Tackling the lack of trust and actually who would believe me. I was stuck in a performance in life to portray a happy family life and marriage. I was dying.
How many around us can be in the same situation, alone and physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually dying? Odds are, the percentage is higher than you would think.
I always heard, Everything that glitters, is not gold. While I did not have a glittering life, I knew the fragments were there but definitely hidden. Still, I/we were blessed.
Eleven years later, I’m not the same. I had to hold on tight in many instances and stick to some tough love with my boys. I am happy I survived for them. I am a survivor!
There are situations in life, you have to decide whether to hold on or let go. Sometimes, both.
Psalm 139
Lord, you have examined me and know all about me. 2 You know when I sit down and when I get up. You know my thoughts before I think them. 3 You know where I go and where I lie down. You know everything I do. 4 Lord, even before I say a word, you already know it. 5 You are all around me—in front and in back— and have put your hand on me. 6 Your knowledge is amazing to me; it is more than I can understand.
7 Where can I go to get away from your Spirit? Where can I run from you? 8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there. If I lie down in the grave, you are there. 9 If I rise with the sun in the east and settle in the west beyond the sea, 10 even there you would guide me. With your right hand you would hold me.
11 I could say, “The darkness will hide me. Let the light around me turn into night.” 12 But even the darkness is not dark to you. The night is as light as the day; darkness and light are the same to you.
13 You made my whole being; you formed me in my mother’s body. 14 I praise you because you made me in an amazing and wonderful way. What you have done is wonderful. I know this very well. 15 You saw my bones being formed as I took shape in my mother’s body. When I was put together there, 16 you saw my body as it was formed. All the days planned for me were written in your book before I was one day old.
17 God, your thoughts are precious to me. They are so many! 18 If I could count them, they would be more than all the grains of sand. When I wake up, I am still with you.
19 God, I wish you would kill the wicked! Get away from me, you murderers! 20 They say evil things about you. Your enemies use your name thoughtlessly. 21 Lord, I hate those who hate you; I hate those who rise up against you. 22 I feel only hate for them; they are my enemies.
23 God, examine me and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. 24 See if there is any bad thing in me. Lead me on the road to everlasting life.
I do not want to dig! I said, I do not want to dig in the ditches. It is too much.
As I scanned over my many writings, just the titles stir my emotions. How can I even go there without losing myself in the memories and feelings of those exact moments when things happened in my life and of my broken heart? I do not really know how to move past except to move through those times and put words in front of me as I feel and remember to share that you, too, can make it. Maybe it is for me to remember and to know where I have come from and what I went through to be right here at this right time, sharing my story.
A coach I had recently expressed all this as ‘digging in the ditches’ and so true, as it is digging through some bad, muddy times where I felt stuck. Throw me a lifeline please, I would cry out so many times under my breath, in my mind. Do you all not see I am struggling? Sadly, those words were on my mind while sitting on the church pew many times. I was invisible, I felt.
So, this is a start of my digging and thought I would test the waters. Unsure if I can dig tonight, as I write, but this is a start. How’s that?
The reversal of roles between parents and children is such an odd place to be, but required. Knowing full well that while I am still the parent to my children, years and hopefully many years from now, they will be caring for me and making good decisions on my behalf.
I try to remember this today for the tomorrow. The situation we are being faced with is of my in-laws. Watching the gradual decline over the years, which seems to have increased this past year, even the past two months. As with the world, we have all had to limit contact with others due to Covid19. Even though, through the pandemic, we had to limit our time, we have always had to limit our contact and basically make an appointment to visit through the years that I have been in this family.
It’s the oddest thing. My father-in-law is a stubborn, old man and is and has been controlling with his attitude as well as being verbally abusive, if not emotionally abusive to my mother-in-law. I have often asked her when we get a few minutes without him hovering over her if he is ever physically abusive, which is always no, thankfully. I just hope. Through it all, she covers for him, also lives in denial about a lot within the family and is an enabler to him. If he is giving her a hard time or is being a grouch, she will say it is not a good day to visit, when we call, but thanks for calling. Goodbye.
If we do get the green light to visit, we ring the door bell and wait for their surprised masked faces we came to visit. They are just fine, nothing is wrong and so happy to see us. I have learned that having Aspergers, which runs in their family, the mask can only be on for so long. With her tied to this man, she has also learned the traits and follows along to keep him calm.
Around Christmas, I visited, a surprise visit. I was at the grocery store near their house, calling to test the waters but to see if they needed anything. In her happy, jovial voice saying come on over, I knew it was a good day. As I am in the grocery store, my cell phone rings and it is her, as she did need some things. How about that. Almost ready to check out, she calls again, he wants peppermint candy. Now the visit, to spy out the land and knowing it should be a short, nice visit.
Something had surely changed. Things were not as clean and neither were they. As I helped her put away what groceries she requested with some added treats, I knew they enjoyed, I was somewhat taken aback by it all. This is not good, not good at all. Apparently, not bathing is normal with age, dementia or Alzheimer’s or whatever we are facing. There is no need to even mention a doctor’s visit or anything outside of their four walls, as he would not approve, so she suffers, too.
Recently, since we were expecting a bad snow storm this past week, their son (my husband) and I both made a surprise visit, if allowed, only giving them about forty-five minutes to clean up their act, appearance, etc., which not happen. In just two months, they both have deteriorated and while her hair looked cleaner, it was matted down. How can that be? He was looking like a mad man sitting there, now with long hair and a beard commenting he cannot see. I had never seen this man with a beard or looking so disheveled. The house was not clean but it was not nasty, yet. Things are slipping.
Again, no need to mention an eye appointment or a hair appointment, it’s not worth getting him all riled up and kicking us out, which has happened with the older son.
Their son, my husband, was just over there two nights before because they were not answering their phone. The mind can only think the worst in that situation. The phone was unplugged and neither had a clue how that happened. Plus, forgetting he was over.
Also, the toilet was clogged the day we both stopped in, so he fixes it while I am listening to both of them blame the other for that problem. In my mind, I’m thinking it had to be one of you, while quietly laughing to myself as this played out. You did it! No, you did it! At least through all the chaos around me while visiting, it was entertaining, even though so sad.
With the groceries and a hot pizza we brought, I again helped her put things away but then I stood back and watched her again. The lady was lost. Not even knowing what to do with paper towels or what to put the pizza on to serve him. I hesitated while watching her stand in the unknown of her mind and I said, a plate. Immediately, she looks at me and smiles with a wink and says, yes a paper plate. For a moment, with the smile and a wink, she returned, as that was my sweet mother-in-law. Gone again within minutes, staring at the pizza.
I mentioned her sister, the church, the pastor and various topics in our time together with nothing to follow, just a look. I really don’t think she remembers any of them. Repeating often of the weather and snow storm, as that was of interest to him. Many times, she would chime in with, “Are we going to get snow?” The repeating did not bother me, as I went through this with my own mom. It’s the fact of how far she had gone downhill, so quickly, in two months.
While I don’t do this out of disrespect but of record, as I did with my aunt while in the nursing home, I put my cellphone on silent and snap pics, in an indiscreet way, they never knew. I feel more than ever, it is time to keep track of their health and well-being. This year will be one of decisions for their three sons to make, although it will all fall upon my husband, their middle son, and myself. Knowing he will put it on me. I need to be ready to state my case when it comes to some immediate things, like taking the car keys away from her, hiding her keys or letting air out of a tire or disconnect the car battery. Yes, she still drives, but only to the grocery store, which is near. Still, that’s dangerous now, with the thought of seeing their photo on the local news as a missing couple.
The sons think they are fine, just getting older. True! They did years ago, when trying to convince them, we have a problem developing. I think the whole family lives in denial.
When leaving, I am holding my phone in a direction to snap a pic of her while talking about the snow storm again. Even in the freezing temperature, she walks out on the porch to say goodbye. She does that because she knows that task still. My pic of her when I got home and look at it, she is lost. There is nothing alert in her facial appearance standing before me, the eyes are dim, somewhat fixed, as nobody’s home. A total hopelessness over the years have taken her over. Now what do we do? How do I direct their son(s) in the next phase?
The lady in this pic has more life in her eyes than what I saw in my mother-in-law. The strong one caring for her husband is becoming non-existent. I could and can deal with her, I don’t know if I can deal with my father-in-law. Help me Jesus!
Sitting at the kitchen table, I see bills and their checkbook, wondering if she is even capable of continuing this task. Nothing has been set up for a son or sons to be in charge of such financial business for household or medical circumstances, unsure of benefits when they pass or what are we are up against. They are and have always been private, his control and being so stubborn. It was hopeful to ask her but now that is gone, we lost the window of opportunity. When the inevitable happens or even a medical emergency, we will be scrambling to locate paperwork. It is coming, too fast and too soon.
His mom is an empty shell. So sad, as the words she spoke to me just ten years ago, after her retirement; soon after being held as a prisoner in her own home by him, saying, “This was not what I was expecting.” She felt hopeless back then and in all of those years, now hopelessness is so visible, she has given up as she is just a shell of a woman.
Thanks for reading. Any input is welcome if you have experience in a situation, as such. ML
Exodus 20:12 Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you. … Instead, we have to trust in God. But the point is clear: as parents got older and are no longer able to provide or care for themselves, the responsibility is passed to the children.
Just Pondering... 