I Don’t Care!

Well, I do but not as much.2AD3C654-55F5-45B9-BAB1-6586A33A6257

Always I would watch and listen to people and they have their opinions, thoughts or no filter on what was said. They could care less what you thought or what I thought, giving no time to share. Often, I would wonder or want that and question how do they do that, what gives?

My husband was one. Early on in our relationship, he said he did not care what others thought. Proved to be true.

While at times this would be a nice quality, I am glad that I am somewhat quiet and reserved. What is said, is said and cannot be taken back. A few words can destroy a relationship forever. I know that to be fact. Forgiveness is required but the heart will never heal.

Thinking of what I just did for me, I had to come to the conclusion that I don’t care. I am trying to take care of me. I am not a small, petite older woman. I am tall and have a large bone structure and there is nothing wrong with that.

Over the extent of my marriage, a not so happy one, but through the emotional garbage and emotional eating, I gained over one-hundred and fifteen pounds. Not good.

3C4E3597-6B07-4E85-8E34-06C6C41BD9CDThe good news is that I have lost eighty-five of it. Yay me! I am at the weight before having my second child. I walk a lot, watch my food intake and guzzle water often. I am trying. I have been in counseling the last five years to tend to my wellbeing in all areas. This endeavor has not been easy and at times, cookies and milk would sure solve all of my problems, which is not true, of course.

Walking has helped me with stress and anxiety. I found that to be very helpful after counseling sessions a year or so ago, after meeting with my former counselor. As much as I love and miss her, she could really hit some buttons. No regrets.

Anyway, walking is boring especially if I am by myself, although I have my earbuds in listening to either Christian music or podcasts, all to help and encourage me. I need to move so I bought myself a nice bike. 20C42D68-4A3B-498A-8404-3037C58C4AAB

I haven’t had a bike for years and never felt comfortable riding when I did due to my weight and spread of my hips swallowing the seat.  The thought of what others thought riding behind me whether they be walking, riding, or driving is somewhat unnerving to me and my desire to quit and hide has haunted me.  A life-long fear of my thoughts of what others see, think or say.

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That is where I don’t care or at least try to not care.  I need to switch it up from walking and I chose this.  My riding until I get my bearings and hard nosed will go forth.  How else do I or any other heavyweight person lose the weight and seek self-care, if not getting out there to try and not care.

Some people are just rude.  No doubt there is not one person that does not want an area or more different on their body.  We all have insecurities.

This past year I have shrugged my shoulders up so much as to the I don’t care attitude and I like it.  As my mother used to say, sweep around your door.

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I am taking care of me, I recommend you do the same.  It has taken me way too long, many counseling sessions and prayers to get to this point.  I have fought to get to this point. The Lord has more in store for me, for you and each one of us before we die.  Let’s make the most of it.

So, shrug those shoulders and say, I don’t care.

Quotes

  • “The greatest prison people live in is the fear of what other people think.”
  • “One of the greatest mental freedoms is truly not caring what anyone else thinks of you.”
  • “What God knows about me is more important than what others think about me.”
  • “Until we care more about what God thinks than what other people think we are never truly free.” Christine Caine
  • “You are not what others think you are. You are what God knows you are.”

https://biblereasons.com/caring-what-others-think/

Motive?

241E8FA8-4FBC-459D-8F1E-9BB8547D1F1AThis morning while walking early, as I do often and watch the sun rise over the tree tops feeling the crisp, cool air while I start my day, I often think and pray.  Many days, I meet a friend and we walk together.  As I was rounding the corner, hitting my first-mile marker, the thought and question came to me as to what is my motive in doing this.  Where did that come from, I thought?  Lord, what are you asking me with this question so I pondered it as I continued on walking.6F48B83F-91C5-43FA-8FC4-A33CFE19677A

Of course, I have a goal in walking to be more physically active, which is so not me until last year but now has become an addiction almost.  I have a goal to run, well walk, my first 5K marathon in August and like most of us we walk to lose weight.  I am finally at a place in my life, I want better.  I want to be better and I want to feel better.  That is one heck of a goal, if I say so myself.

Still the motive.  I knew right away what it was, although my goals mentioned are good ones.  The motive I desire was to be told by this one person that I miss but that they are proud of me.  Perhaps one day, I will get the opportunity to see and talk to her once again, which is my former counselor.657C2074-0187-4B8C-BBE4-C61EA53BDF6F

This is typical of me to feel this, the little girl inside me, as I have had all my life with what you would call mentors (or mother figures) in my life.  We all want others to be pleased with our performance.  Plus, I am a poster child for CEN (childhood emotional neglect), I feel and I might as well throw in abandonment.

C73ED28A-4ADD-4423-B712-2AB5E5FD062FAs a child from a home that you just existed in with no real emotional support or touch, you (or I did) tend to reach out to anyone that will give that need, that mothering, direction, understanding, etc.  It was my coping skills all through life of grasping love and attention.  Now recognizing since being in her counseling sessions week after week, year after year, how could I not want her to be proud of me.  I have spent more one-on-one time with her (well over 200 hours) than I have anyone, whether that be my own mother, siblings, or any family/friends to really know me.

I thank God for her and helping me understand myself after years of questioning what was wrong with me.

While now I understand my motive and goal in my walking, desiring her approval and being proud, but I will continue with or without it.  This has been a major change in my life, as well as other areas, and I am moving forward.

Perhaps, just that question while walking, “What is your motive?” was to be reminded that I am worthy and proud of myself.  Forever thankful to be where I am at this time in my life.

The Lord will place the right people in your path to get you to where you need to be.  You are worthy!  Trust Him.

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Walk!

5812A837-F8EA-44EA-BCC9-71A9E0895813While taking a break from studying since mid-terms, which I feel I did not do well on, I know myself well enough that my thoughts go downhill.  I beat myself up and feel as though everything, everybody and life is against me.  Whoa is me!   I’m sure I am not the only one that hits this wall.  It’s tormenting.

With everything else, the class is just one more heap of coal on my head burying me with defeat.

11E34DD4-73DA-47BD-B0BF-7EF9828BAB9EToday, in between cleaning and laundry, I would check out Pinterest, an enjoyable addiction I have.  Different times, this one post would come before me.  That is one to walk, if just for ten minutes.  Of course, the rebellious, stubborn attitude within me, says NO!  I don’t want to walk, I want to stay inside my four walls and avoid life outside.  Isolation.  Just having an adult hissy fit, for two days, feeling like a child.  4793EE38-CCD8-4B47-9AC5-B90BEC14F3F7

Knowing today was a beautiful day, I finally gave in.  If just ten minutes. Usually, my friend and I walk together two or more miles a day, weather permitting, but she is out of town.  So, who cares if I do or if I don’t?

Off I go with my earbuds and sunglasses, as it was a beautiful day indeed.   I try to listen to Christian messages or music when alone and I chose Joyce Meyer today.  The first message was good but the second was for me.

I love when this happens.  The message is, ‘Overcoming Worry and Anxiety.’  He is with me.  Say that!  Say that, or think that when all hell is breaking apart inside.  He does knows where we are and most importantly, He knows where we are going.  We can rest In Him.  I Am because I Am and we can trust Him.  Believing this, lessens the load on our mind with anxiety and worry.  I know it’s true!  Even when I don’t want to.

Will I fail and mess up again?  Probably so but that’s what is good about God, He has enough mercy and grace to see me through again.  The walk did help my outlook so I am glad I pushed myself while moaning and groaning within, throwing my hissy fit.

You know what?  He knows me and He knows my hissy fits.  He knows why I am experiencing what I am and He sees the tears that fall.  He is with me!

Words Within

Walking tonight with my earbuds in listening to a Christian radio station, as I do when walking alone, I am also alone in my thoughts and prayers.   So many of the songs, I could have written myself.  Of course, the thought, why didn’t I write that song, as I could be rich crosses my mind but I continue walking remembering all the heartache, the sadness, loneliness and on and on.  1C04A543-34CC-47BE-8F04-3281E986845F  The words are within in my heart but not on paper.  Oh how He knows my name, how He lifts me up and will never let me down.  If we take time, I bet each of us can write a song of the test and trials we have each gone through.  Thankfully the music artists have done just that so we can listen to and feel deep within.  Hope is knowing we are not alone and through each song, somebody experienced pain to get there. Realize you have words within.  While they may not make the billboard or any further than your thoughts, they are your words and the Lord hears and understands them.

Breakthrough

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Through the years I have noticed that when times or situations get hard and I want to give up, that’s when I need to push harder, as a breakthrough is coming.

Perhaps this is just for me today or you.  I know the last few weeks have been rough but I know to PUSH through the feelings, thoughts and emotions.

The enemy (Satan) wants nothing more than to heep on discouragement, hopelessness, bring discord, etc.  This enables to keep us stuck and remain in the pit of despair.

I know in times past, if I felt a wedge between a friend or acquaintance, I pretty well knew this was happening.  Just yesterday, I stopped a person and flat-out asked if there was something wrong because the last few weeks, the association was not the same.   Stopped this in its tracks. All is well.

Many, many years ago I had the same happen with a lady a church whom I thought was nice and our friendship was growing but that nagging feeling and lies within we’re bother me.   Even back then, I knew to ‘nip it in the bud’ as ole Barney Fife would say.   From that day afterward, our friendship has grown and I would say that she is my true BFF in life.  We may be miles apart but there have been times that she has texted me and say, ‘What’s up Buttercup, I feel something is wrong.’  When one is down, the other lifts the other up.  I would have missed out on this wonderful, sister-like friendship if I would have let the lies deteriorate this relationship.

97392048-5BAA-4FCE-A91B-98EF954E3612Noticing tension with my Counselor and I at times, this has been a true and obvious sign that a breakthrough is coming.  When I feel I have had enough, cannot take anymore, want to quit, I have dig my heels in and I do continue.  I know a breakthrough is near.  Odds are, she does also.

Even with walking/exercise and lack of weight loss, the scale is not moving, discouragement comes and the lies come, just give up.  Don’t you dare!   As the quote goes, unless you faint, throw up or die, keep moving forward.  A breakthrough will happen.  11FF8DB3-BAB0-4734-8622-3E4A10823669

So when you feel like    giving up on yourself, with another, a situation, weight loss, etc., keep moving forward.  You’ll be glad you did.  Victory!

Trust Him!