This morning while walking early, as I do often and watch the sun rise over the tree tops feeling the crisp, cool air while I start my day, I often think and pray. Many days, I meet a friend and we walk together. As I was rounding the corner, hitting my first-mile marker, the thought and question came to me as to what is my motive in doing this. Where did that come from, I thought? Lord, what are you asking me with this question so I pondered it as I continued on walking.
Of course, I have a goal in walking to be more physically active, which is so not me until last year but now has become an addiction almost. I have a goal to run, well walk, my first 5K marathon in August and like most of us we walk to lose weight. I am finally at a place in my life, I want better. I want to be better and I want to feel better. That is one heck of a goal, if I say so myself.
Still the motive. I knew right away what it was, although my goals mentioned are good ones. The motive I desire was to be told by this one person that I miss but that they are proud of me. Perhaps one day, I will get the opportunity to see and talk to her once again, which is my former counselor.
This is typical of me to feel this, the little girl inside me, as I have had all my life with what you would call mentors (or mother figures) in my life. We all want others to be pleased with our performance. Plus, I am a poster child for CEN (childhood emotional neglect), I feel and I might as well throw in abandonment.
As a child from a home that you just existed in with no real emotional support or touch, you (or I did) tend to reach out to anyone that will give that need, that mothering, direction, understanding, etc. It was my coping skills all through life of grasping love and attention. Now recognizing since being in her counseling sessions week after week, year after year, how could I not want her to be proud of me. I have spent more one-on-one time with her (well over 200 hours) than I have anyone, whether that be my own mother, siblings, or any family/friends to really know me.
I thank God for her and helping me understand myself after years of questioning what was wrong with me.
While now I understand my motive and goal in my walking, desiring her approval and being proud, but I will continue with or without it. This has been a major change in my life, as well as other areas, and I am moving forward.
Perhaps, just that question while walking, “What is your motive?” was to be reminded that I am worthy and proud of myself. Forever thankful to be where I am at this time in my life.
The Lord will place the right people in your path to get you to where you need to be. You are worthy! Trust Him.
Just Pondering... 