What’s Your Story?

Oftentimes I pass people or perhaps know them but never enough time to get to know them, but I often wonder who they really are.  What is their story, their testimony.  What  have they gone through to be where they are today.C9EC5D99-EFA1-469C-9555-5A9CCCDCA95A

A week or so ago, as I sat in my car eating a late lunch before my next appointment, I watched an older woman, dressed nice, carrying her black purse in one hand and walking with her silver aluminum cane in the other.

I was drawn to her because she was older but also walking toward a busy Mall Road where shoppers were whizzing by to get their last-minute gifts before Christmas.  Not a care in the world it seemed to her.

Vector drawing of a senior woman in a waiting.Being one to be concerned and now figuring out a direct route to get to her in case she fell, I was just amazed at her life in this twenty-minute vacation in my mind of her.

Finally, approaching the bench and turning to place her purse and her cane on the bench ever so carefully, she stood there.  Realizing she was waiting for a bus.  While one stopped, she signaled him to move on. I was intrigued even more.  Perhaps waiting for another bus.

Wondering where she went as she had no shopping bags.  What was her purpose to be on a busy road.

Part of me, if I had the time, I would have enjoyed going up to sit with her and just talk as we watched the cars pass.

Why was she walking alone on such a busy road? Where is her family?  Does she have family?

I just hope that as I age, I will be as independent and look as nice as she did.  No doubt she has been through some rough patches in life, had joy and plenty of sadness, too.

It was just nice to leave my issues and overwhelming thoughts of my life right then and dwell on hers for a bit.

What about you…

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Now What?

Handwritten Holiday, Christmas card with hand drawn, textured snowflakes.My extended time away from work is something I always look forward to at this time of the year, the holiday rush is over and time to do and go as I please but came to an abrupt halt the night of Christmas.  Not what I want to deal with.

It is totally apparent moreso that we have inherited the head role of  my husband’s family.  Due to his parents’ ages and medical situation and inability to carry on the family meals with holidays, I now do each holiday meals and have for the past few years.  I manage but yet again realized the other night that I would rather bake desserts than prepare meals.  Always did and I think that is a trait of my paternal grandmother.  Meal was complete and very little leftovers so I apparently succeeded or maybe did not make enough.

Then the call of a panicked brother-in-law, after leaving hours before, while we were having our Christmas time with our children at the end of the day, finally with the other family members gone.  As we were unwrapping gifts, talking and laughing, my husband’s cell phone rings.  We all held our breath thinking an accident of some sort with the aging parents, as we could vaguely hear the voice on the phone.  Something was wrong.

No, it was about him.  Sadly, we all relaxed knowing it was just him and typical drama.  The younger brother, although in his late forties, who is often missing in action unless family dinners for Easter, Thanksgiving or Christmas.  Plus enabled by his mother, I feel, which we already know will not help matters later.

AEB7E511-C684-4701-947C-0244134F32BFThe story has it, he was beat up and his eye is proof enough when kicked out of his rented space in a house by family members visiting, one just out of prison.  He now needs a place to lay his head.  Guess where?  Our house.  Just for one night I was told.  I believed that like knowing the Readers Digest people are coming to my front door with millions of dollars in sweepstakes.

I brace myself and accept the fact we need to help.  I do have a heart.  Still, with this rough group of people, will they track him down and put us in danger.  His life is a whole other world than we hold.  One that we do not understand.

593682B2-1DEB-4502-B9AC-2E82BCA45328My time off.  My mind thinking of what to do, how to get through this and knowing my time off will be spent dealing with this issue (his issues).  I solve problems at my own time and expense.  I do know…. he will not get a house key.  If no key though, I am held hostage myself dealing with his schedule.  Not going to happen.  I become the bad person putting my foot down and setting boundaries.   If I permit a key, will I ever feel safe in my own home?  No!  Now what to do?

This grown man who really just works with whatever comes his way, no real job, no real life, no real desire to do anything, is now stuck in our spare bedroom.  I want to scream and I might yet.  Get a job!

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Maybe I forget my vacation days and just go back to work to be an example to him of just how this works.  When I leave, you leave.

Some will never change.  Enabling at its finest proven to be exactly what I expected.

Not here.  Done.  Get out.  Get a job.  Get a life.

Tick Tock

6E15D8C5-7DAC-48AD-8A1D-964024206324Almost time!  It’s almost time to partay.  Plus, I’m to the point of it is what it is.  Food is planned and will be made.  Gifts are bought and wrapped.  House is clean to the visible eye, I hope.  Hey, we live here.

I look forward to the day although I will be glad it’s over. As most, exhaustion happens.  Please tell me I am not alone.  It has to be normal or is that just the setting on the dryer?

It will be fun and there will be laughter of my grown children home again to share along with my husbands family.   It’s time to enjoy and be mindful of the moments and the day that is before me.

Year after year when this day comes, I know that memories of my own family comes into play and once again the need to shake the sadness of them all no more.  Plus, I know all so well what is ahead.

They will all leave and go about their lives, the Christmas Hallmark movies go off the air for another year, the Christmas music that started way too early is now no more played and all the pretty lights and decorations come down and go back into storage.  January is such a let down and so sad, always in my book.

For now, let’s celebrate the joy of Christmas and remember why we do, the birth of Jesus.

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Merry Christmas

Afraid to Look

C7537AAC-939A-418A-A6EA-7986FF102360Theres a blog, there’s a Facebook page.  There are articles left and right, at a touch of a key, and I can find what I need. Although I am afraid to look, see and read.

The triggers within me of yet feeling more abandonment will scream loudly and I feel fear even considering. If I read something that hits me hard, panic sets in and fearful I’ll go deeper in the hole of depression.  Grief is real, whether in a death or a loss.  324FC750-C70A-4D50-BC9A-5D57AC9029C5

I want to read, just to know she is there as it will bring calmness to the chaos of worry within. But yet, I don’t want to be hurt if I read something again that causes pain or emotions to come.  I really have nobody to understand, or to help me understand myself.

So, I ignore and go about my day knowing I am still struggling and that healing is far from me, it feels.  What happened in my childhood to cause this continuous loop of attachment in others within me?

Just as the last post I read from my counselor, now many, many weeks ago, it was if she wrote that for and about me. What do I do?  It left me with thoughts and questions that remains swirling inside my head.

Do I face my fear head on and read and open up perhaps a flood of feelings?   Or do I give myself grace as I still feel grief of losing her still and let it all be?   I really miss my counselor.  I miss having somebody to listen to me and feel like she understood me. Why can’t I just forget her?  I am even afraid to find another because I don’t want to give up on her, hoping she will be back.  Then I wonder has she given up on me. BC9F1D4C-8A4B-4BCC-BD2C-E747C74735C5

The holidays do not help.  I’m ready to get past Christmas although it’s the most wonderful time of the year. Right?

Feeling lonely and sad as abandonment and attachment issues slaps me in the face over and over, as the old adult as I am and just like in childhood. Will it ever end?  What happened to me?

Thankfully, the Lord knows my name and He knows where I am.   He is all I have.

But still…D57503A7-24CB-4AC1-87BB-9A0FA5D7DD86

 

Blue Christmas

My heart sinks in despair today, the memories and the loneliness overwhelm my soul.  The cloudy, rainy day doesn’t help and everything in front of me to do, I’d rather push away.c742fbc0-696e-42f7-9993-c1bad74152b8-58952-00000da5b593db5f

The holidays are here but my heart isn’t.

The Christmas tree is up and lit, thankfully a pre-lit tree.  I struggle to add the ornaments one at a time.

Family will be here in ten days to celebrate and the desire to clean, decorate, wrap gifts of the ones that I do have remain undone.

I know if I put my heart in all of this, I can whip it out in no time and all will look well.  By the time everyone gathers, it will.  Where is my get up and go?

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Am I dealing with sadness, or is it grief, or the holiday blues, perhaps procrastination at its finest, just no energy within, perhaps it is my age and, of course, is it depression from everything and all?  Sadly enough, it’s all of those listed.

No doubt others around you and me feel the same or have at some point in life.  Holidays are rough.

My get up and go… is gone.  Just for now!

A few more ornaments will be added here and there.  A dust rag swipes a table near.  The Christmas music, I’ll turn up and hum along.  Soon I’ll write out my menu to shop and prepare.  The family will come, eat and enjoy. Then everyone will be gone.   The holidays will be over once again.  The cold dark days of January begin.

657322F3-DD1A-4BAD-B269-034F546F5E83Be sensitive to those around you.

We never know what others are going through.

 

http://blog.naturalhealthyconcepts.com/2013/12/10/holiday-blues/

My Little Girl Within

E8F21D4F-FF17-42A0-8746-882C77B74462Years ago, I started counseling mainly due to marriage issues and just at a loss, feeling crazy, feeling alone and no hope in life.  Stuck.

It was after we got through that part and I understood what is what, finding answers, setting boundaries and hope restored within me, did the counseling turn toward me individually.  No more marriage discussions, although we touched base off and on in areas of concern.

F4594D7D-7388-4DF6-9DB4-23817556ECF7Now, fearfully and not at all what I was expecting in counseling, it was all about me.  Realizing, with each counseling session, I had a choice to dig my heels in and grasp what is or high tail it out of there.

Depending upon the session, I have felt both ways and at times frustrated, angry, emotionally distraught and you name it but oftentimes, too, I was grateful for a counselor that was just as determined to see me healed from childhood issues and life experiences.

Still I am amazed how well this counselor picked up on things and understood me. Nobody ever did that with me and to explain why I do or did things, validate the confusion I felt all of these years.

If you have been reading my blogs, you realize how thankful I am for her in my life and God sent, just for me.

Adult problems are childhood issues, a phrase I have heard and understood, but not in depth as she helped me understand within my own life.

For most, I could comprehend and wiggle through to understand.  When the inner child and it is necessary to connect and re-parent the wounded child within, I could not grasp although I understood what she was trying to tell me.

056D71BF-7FB6-4A26-AECA-90626B38BA91Part of me felt it was crazy thinking how to do this and get to the point of making this work.  Honestly, I still have issues with this.

C51A7CD3-2255-404F-BC14-C9167C89F867Thankfully, I know to give myself grace and in time I will have my inner child trusting me and knowing that I love her unconditionally.

I don’t know what all happened to me as a child and if I am in total denial or blocking pieces out, but I do know that the Lord is healing me.   I have to trust Him in this journey and be patient and willing to be healed.

The other night, while driving through the Christmas lights, feeling the excitement and being in the moment, was probably a true connection I had with my inner child.  While that may not be of exciting news to you, I am still on cloud nine as they say because I felt like a child enjoying the lights.  I loved the sights, smells and the joy of Christmas as a child and all those memories flooded my soul last night.  Little me was present.  That was a gift to myself.  I’m slowly grasping this inner child stuff, which I need to do for healing in my life.

Perhaps you, too, need to connect to your inner child.  Maybe you have heard of this and thought it was crazy thinking.  Are you too wrapped in work and doing for others, even church work?  Stop, reflect and love the inner child within you.

As I mentioned early on with my counselor and the inner child stuff, I was lost and unknowing of such a thing.  There are a lot of books, Facebook group pages, research articles on Google, etc., available to read and gain knowledge and hopefully healing.   I hope that my story helps someone.

E8341B37-CCFA-485A-ADCB-2D30CC878CF6Growing up, I yearned for love and attention and sadly, I do as an adult.  With counseling, understanding why this caused such in my life, I am doing better.  I’m understanding that the little me needs me to love her and care and have fun, too.

I was worth the love and attention as a child that I did not receive.

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Be Present in the Moment

99945BE3-FF9F-4679-9A88-5A64A14E6702So many of us are apt to grab our cell phones to video or snap a pic to capture our kids performing, or a selfie of all while they are with is at a dinner or a family gathering, when we see something pretty, etc. While that is all perfect and fine to keep the memories alive but to be present in the moment is worth more and touches your own heart.

The other night I was so reminded of this fact. I did the exact thing mentioned as my husband and I drove through the Christmas lights that is a popular park to go through during the holiday season in our area. It was absolutely beautiful and some areas more than the others. Impressive.

Something I had wanted to do for years but nobody else did, so we or I didn’t.

As we drove and admired the synchronized lights flash to the tune of the radio station programmed, I was in awe. The little girl within me came alive, too, with joy. What a night it was to take time to drive the distance and go through the maze of lights.

Hanging out the windows somewhat as other children 07B9A640-9930-4AC6-9167-6BE826CBE793were, and adults also, I noticed the feelings within of the little girl that I lost long ago. Being old now, part of me could have just broke down and cried a river because I have had such a hard time connecting to my inner child, but I did while doing this simple act of slowing down and taking time.  We all have an inner child.

Connecting to that inner child, we not only experience the joy and fun, but also have fun and sense it within. I felt the child raise up inside me, if just for a little bit.  This was a breakthrough for me. In the inner child, we can also find answers to past trauma that has been buried deep within and with proper care and attention, healing will come. That night though, I need joy.

As I was taking pics with my cell phone in order to keep and perhaps share on Facebook, of course, certain times my light would come on, flash, and possibly distort the pic or annoy the car in front of us, no doubt. For the life of me, I did not know how to turn that flash off.

Just thirty minutes before, while waiting to start the light show, I skimmed my posts on Facebook. You know, just in case I needed to know what another person is doing, etc. This one therapy, encouragement post though was about being in the moment and how we must … Enjoy it!  I needed that and so glad I grabbed onto those words when I did.

Of course, after many attempts of finding the right icon to flip the light flash off, without success, I missed some of the lights while seeing them kinda sorta but not really enjoying them. The post I just read at the beginning popped in my head, which said, ‘enjoy the moment, take it in.’

img_0359With that, I put my phone away and did just that while even saying aloud, ‘be in the moment.’  I did! I noticed the joy and excitement grow within me as an old lady admiring the beauty of it all and appreciating the talent that went in to make this production happen.  Most rewarding was when my inner child that could sense the excitement of Christmas and joy she once felt as a child, which made it all worthwhile.

As adults, we need to learn to stop and play along the way.  Work is important and family, too, but we lose ourselves many times.  Sadly, sometimes many of us drown out trauma and abuse with many things to avoid the deep recesses in our lives.   I am no exception, I forgot how to play and enjoy life around me and I avoided areas through the years.

Go do something fun. If just jumping in mud puddles, blowing bubbles, making snow angels, take time to drive around to see or through Christmas lights, etc., as the child within needs to do just that. Have fun!img_0328

Lesson learned that night, as I plan to not make excuses of not doing fun things and to put the cell phone away and be in the moment.

Do it! Feel it! Enjoy it!

🎄 Merry Christmas 🎄