Everything runs like clockwork and then it all goes haywire.
Many do not like changes and I am definitely one. It’s not that I am like that in all areas but in certain ones, I am. It throws me for a loop.
It seems like everything in the world has been tossed. Perhaps this has caused many of the changes. It is not always a bad thing.
I realized that this one office I have gone to for over a year, her process and routine has changed. New office worker where there was none. Less time with the practitioner. An uneasiness but I thought I was dealing with it all when I realized I am not. Less appointments and no desire to go. I do have an upcoming appointment, which will help me know what I plan to do.
The last six months, there have been changes at work. I adapted and handling but not without struggle. I had everything running like a well -oiled machine after fourteen years.
I’m too old for change. I thought I was too old for temper tantrums. The rebelliousness within me often hit the wall with disapproval. I wanted to quit.
As I felt I managed and on my way to keep things running smoothly, today I find we have more changes. If these tasks did not end on my lap, I could probably brush it off. I again am hitting the wall.
I have three years until retirement. I don’t know if I can make it was my thought today. The willingness to throw up my hands and forget it all was a very strong thought and desire. Maybe I will find another job. I love my job, except for the changes. Leave well enough alone. Will tomorrow be a better day to cope and tackle this task? Time will tell.
Changes do change me. I see my weak spots in my life, which can discourage me for a bit, but I also see that I am well capable of solving and making our office maintain its efficiency.
I do not want to dig! I said, I do not want to dig in the ditches. It is too much.
As I scanned over my many writings, just the titles stir my emotions. How can I even go there without losing myself in the memories and feelings of those exact moments when things happened in my life and of my broken heart? I do not really know how to move past except to move through those times and put words in front of me as I feel and remember to share that you, too, can make it. Maybe it is for me to remember and to know where I have come from and what I went through to be right here at this right time, sharing my story.
A coach I had recently expressed all this as ‘digging in the ditches’ and so true, as it is digging through some bad, muddy times where I felt stuck. Throw me a lifeline please, I would cry out so many times under my breath, in my mind. Do you all not see I am struggling? Sadly, those words were on my mind while sitting on the church pew many times. I was invisible, I felt.
So, this is a start of my digging and thought I would test the waters. Unsure if I can dig tonight, as I write, but this is a start. How’s that?
Many years ago, while we were in the thick of the pandemic, I sent my son a wind-chime as he had the perfect place. I love wind chimes.
He had just moved into this place with a back yard that reminded me of Gatlinburg. It was in the middle of a big city but hidden. I always loved to visit and help clean up the yard or help him in the house, giving it a mother’s touch and food on the stove.
This was such a big change for him. He had never enjoyed yard work growing up, as most kids, but this place captivated him and his time, as we were all home bound. This was actually a move of God for him to be in this place at this time.
Prior, he had an apartment by himself and with his work, being able to work from home, he was isolated from people. He is a people person. Work was demanding and placed him alone in this apartment for hours at a time, getting overwhelmed and I knew depression was grabbing hold. He is a lot like me so I recognized what was happening. I have written about him several times in my blog here. The Lord has a calling on his life, he knows it. Sometimes, running away from such seems like it will work but it won’t. I have been there, too. You can run but can’t hide.
This big house and yard came available and two roommates joined him and it was perfect for all three. Again, a God thing. I feel if it had not taken place, especially with the stay at home ruling, I may not have a son right now. Depression sucks life from you.
I am proud of him to move forward but also seek help from a doctor. It’s okay to take anti-depressants, if just for a bit to get through whatever. Some may feel that is a lack of faith and place that condemnation on you but it is not their journey and none of their business. Take care of you.
The wind chime arrived and soon was hung up in the tree making the sounds that some love or hate. He was not so sure at first and him and a roommate had to put a cord around them, to stop ringing. We laughed over this but soon they enjoyed the sounds and how pretty it was in the backyard.
Things happen and another move to a smaller, better house and by now the ban from leaving home and restrictions were lifted. This house had no real place to hang the wind chime. A little tree in front had to do so it would not get tangled. It is a long wind chime, perfect for the other yard.
Time went by and it remained and ringing but either wind or the neighbors twisted it up and now it was jumbled up and not pretty looking or sounding. He threw it in the shed. I was saddened but understood.
Recently, he was coming home. I have a great yard and trees so I told him to bring to me and I’ll use and enjoy once I get it back to it’s purpose, so he did.
Oh my! It was a mess. I had no idea of how this would ever be put back together. As I watched television one night, I thought I would tinker with it, one tube under, another one over and continued.
It was overwhelming. I would work on it and put it down and try another night. A couple of times I was tempted just to pitch. Not worth my time. Looking at it though, the tubes were pretty, the string was strong but it was tied up so bad. I just wanted to give up.
Isn’t that just like life? There are things we need to do and conquer but it is too hard. Thinking there is no way it can happen. Hopelessness enters our minds and we stop.
I laid this out on the floor, which was for a good week. Each night I would move tubes under and over and I started to make headway. I’d get frustrated and stop. I knew I had to keep going and finish. I have come too far to end. Again, life experiences we deal with.
I finally got the tubes and string in order. What a fantastic feeling to conquer. While I still have to hang the tubes correctly, I will attempt. I will also go through the frustration and hopelessness of it not being right. Still, I will move forward. Soon, it will be hanging in my tree and I will enjoy knowing its history and the pain to get there.
Again, life. We have to keep moving forward and not give up. Many trials and misfortunes may come but soon if we don’t give up, there’s joy and a pride within ourselves that we made it through.
This hopefully will be something that will strengthen you or my son’s ability to keep moving forward whenever times get tied up in knots and it seems there is no way out and feeling like throwing our hands up in defeat. A story his mom has written, understanding him and how each one of us struggle at times. Life experiences. Life happens.
Just Pondering... 