Throw Up My Hands

Ever been there? Just throw up your hands and walk away.

I have been there many times. Today, and lately, I revisit this place of frustration. Change is not easy and it makes no sense when the flow of productivity is challenged by a rule where the right hand does not know what the left hand is doing. Total confusion.

It is interesting and the ability to do what is requested is possible, but then there is a twist and a turn from authority. Do they even know?

As I gradually walk into my senior citizen age bracket, I have to wonder if it is my age or incapable of doing the work any longer. So far I have managed their requests and making a solution to our office but today a turn of events, which infuriates me.

I’m so close to retirement and today it cannot come soon enough. Tomorrow will be better. I guess. I hope.

We all have moments of wanting to throw our hands up and walk away. Surely, I’m not the only one.

I have hope.

I am blessed.

I will conquer this hurdle.

I will retire one day soon.

Isaiah 40:31 “But those who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.”

How Much More?

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When it rains, it pours! We have all heard that saying through the years and most likely experienced such by saying reluctantly, and maybe in anger. Just how much more?

2B631403-CBB3-459A-B8C7-7EFD8ED07B62We are all experiencing this pandemic worldwide and it has affected each of us in some way or another.

Many students have waited a lifetime to enjoy their senior year and to graduate, walking proudly to receive the diploma as well as the parents reaching this milestone, only to be non-existent. A sense of grief occurs for all, as there will be no prom, no senior skip day, no final anything, everything disappeared.3F3B820A-958F-4EB7-B1DC-6382BD257460

The fog within the mind remains, questioning the present and future. On top of that, for many work has ceased, now to remain at home so the normalcy of the daily grind comes to a halt. The fog becomes even more dense, grasping just what is happening and trying to make sense of it all. Still, the hope of we will get through this remains and keeps us moving forward, making the best of the situations being dealt.

It is when on top of all of this, how can it get any worse, right? Sadly it can, in many ways and for many people.

The icing on the cake for my sweet friend was when she was diagnosed with breast cancer recently. Now the anger comes, and rightfully so. At times afraid to even think or 14DAA72A-FCF9-41B9-A356-93DEBB265D4Bsay, how much more? How can it get any worse? Knowing faith will need to step in and bring peace to carry her through this whole ordeal. No doubt the thoughts linger in wondering what is in store and what the future holds. All the while being supportive with her family during this time, and with her oldest daughter being a senior that will graduate although there will be no ceremony. Basically, here is your diploma and we wish you the best in life.

Lost in the fog and trying to find a way out but the visibility is impossible, while reaching to find clarity and the light of day. Confusion with it all. How much more?

This is indeed what my dear friend, my co-worker is experiencing. My heart aches for her and the family being hit from one side to another. Questioning myself, how much more can this family withstand?  I am even angry at times for her, feeling the grief, the confusion, uncertainties and wanting to reach in the fog to drag her out.

86279495-4B21-4F59-98C3-5497A9422609While I am dealing with the pandemic and my work situation right now, too, I get frustrated and feel anxiety kick in, which is normal for everyone right now. To have hope, and we all need hope, knowing we will all get through this, and we will.

My anxiousness lessens in this when I place myself in my friend’s shoes, knowing my troubles are nothing compared, and I need to support her through this. In life, there is always somebody, and we have all said or thought, that has it worse off than we do. In that, you keep moving forward, knowing you can get through this. Many others have it worse than my friend, so that keeps her moving forward, knowing she can get through this, too. We need to have and feel the hope in life, in order to push through, as we will all get through this. Hold on to the hope within!

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Nehemiah 8:10 Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.

Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Exodus 15:2 The Lord is my strength and my song; he has given me victory.

Learn to Hate

The past two weeks of my life seemed to be the longest days of the year…okay, my life.

Being at my age and trying to complete my clinicals in a medical profession just about made me want to go home, throw the cover over my head and stay there.

69C80A1C-4C07-4018-BA7D-10EE4B6B749CI had put this off for a year for one reason or another. I took the class last Fall and did well but surmised it was to keep my mind busy due to a loss in my life and to keep focused. I was okay with that. While I tried to decline from doing the clinicals this time around, the instructor was very convincing to finish and it was apparent in other ways, that I should also.  I did.

Fear is still prevalent at the age of sixty and being thrown in with a pack of wolves and I was like bait. If only I could have been an undercover boss through this process, I would have shaken the cage and lose some of the attitudes and rudeness presented. This was not how you represent a large medical hospital in the area you work for, that is for sure.

This was definitely an experience of a lifetime and not a good one. Each week, I found that every Wednesday night, I wanted to quit and not go in on Thursday mornings, as it was a struggle.

I knew that I would not let them have the upper hand with this old woman. I had something that they may never grasp, but I pray that they do. I have dealt with demons before, within my own family, so this was not going to deter me. I had a focus and that was to finish.

D9062D9B-2DD9-4F3E-B690-8C4CF8558AD0Weeks before when contemplating this endeavor, I had a dream of my Pastor coming to me in a congregation of people. He took my hands and said, “You know He is with you.” Just that, gave me peace and something to hold onto through this ordeal.  It was when I awoke and reading my Bible, that I just so happen to open up, Isaiah 41:10, which was when I knew I was to go forward. ( See ‘Terrified with Faith‘) Did I want to? No. I repeated those words often, read that scripture before I entered the door each morning and prayed.

While I enjoyed dealing with the public and helping them, when asked to be a part in my training, my personality sparked in smiling and being kind as I know is key and I do well. While these employees have the technique down pat, their personalities were nowhere to be found. To get a smile or much less see one shown to the patient when greeting them was like a miracle. Get them in and get them out so they could check their cell phones or make meaningless conversation with one another while throwing f-bombs around. I was shocked with these girls, actually saddened.

In this, my life has been changed. It actually opened my eyes whether with them and in myself. I enjoyed the process of learning this trade but I learned to hate it due to them. I do not know what lies ahead for me in this area and perhaps nothing, I have to and will trust the Lord.

I found it interesting that in phlebotomy, you ‘feel for the veins, not by sight.’ In our Christian walk, we are to ‘live by faith, not by sight.’1F08B259-AE97-4271-9041-FD6ADCABDEAA

This part of my training is complete and I am thankful, more than you know. One hurdle to cross yet in testing for certification but after the past two weeks, I can do anything.