White Sheets

What is it about clean, white sheets on a bed? To many, it means nothing more than clean, white sheets, nothing out of the norm. It is a chore many dislike, laundry.

As I was making my bed, my mind went through years and years of memories, of how I felt and where I am now. As I smoothed out the sheets, admiring the crisp look and fresh scent, I teared up, thinking of the past. White sheets. I can have white sheets.

When I go to my sister’s house and stay a couple of nights, I look forward to our visit but her white sheets make me feel special and loved. When I go to a hotel, which is very rare, and once I settle in of seeing no bedbugs (Thank You Jesus), I enjoy the white sheets for the night, it’s a treat. White sheets. I, too, can have white sheets.

My bedroom accent colors are burgundy and olive green, very pretty to me. I always had burgundy cotton sheets, which I loved as they matched so well to my decor and bedding.

Although, after many washings over the years, they were starting to look worn, tired, becoming worthless, just as I felt in those years that my memory was actively reminding me.

Awhile back, I finally broke down and ordered a nice set of sheets, supposedly burgundy but not. Burgundy is a color that is hard to match, it’s a must see item before buying, lesson learned. In that, I ordered white sheets. Unsure if I would like, as I had grown attached to my old burgundy sheets due to the blending of colors. Plus, I hate change. White sheets. White sheets are for special people or guests, not me.

Hesitantly, the newly washed white sheets went on my bed and I loved them. Now wondering why it took me so long to make this change. Just this simple change in sheets, I felt different. As I pull down the covers to crawl in bed, I feel a joy. Just a simple, nice set of white sheets made me feel like I deserve them in my own home. Years and years of feeling worn, tired, unlovable and unworthy, I have felt life returning, as I am lovable and I am worthy after years of counseling and figuring out who I am once again. Life can push one down so low, of no hope in sight. White sheets. I am worthy to have white sheets.

People say they lose themselves in life situations and I totally understand this, as I did. I was at a point of hopelessness and feeling so worthless. No person should feel this or get to that point but it happens. Thank God I had a counselor that spent session after session, for four years, helping me see through the dark days and of understanding myself, as I gave up on loving and trusting others and even myself.

No matter, I knew God loved me through it all. I reminded myself that He knew my name and where I was at all times, which was my go-to saying, sometimes of not believing even that truth. He said He would never leave me nor forsake me so I had to trust and believe when I had nothing left within me.

It has taken awhile to get to this point but just the mundane act of making my bed of all clean bedding, seeing the white sheets, I am so thankful and touched that He did not leave me. He has brought me to a place where I am today. I do have white sheets now, and I love them. I don’t think I will ever buy any other color. A small, insignificant piece in my life just to remind me where I was and where I am and to feel hopeful and worthy. It’s the small things in life that brings the big picture together. White sheets. White sheets are a must.

Perhaps reading this blog of mine, (man or woman) you may relate or know of someone of feeling the unworthiness, which can cause so many issues compounding upon other issues to where you might feel stuck and total hopelessness. Perhaps it is no accident that you read of my own soul-sucking life experience to know that I understand.

Just know and most importantly, never forget that YOU are worthy.

HE KNOWS YOUR NAME AND HE KNOWS WHERE YOU ARE. TRUST HIM

10 Scriptures For When You Don’t Feel Good Enough

https://lynndove.com/2016/10/18/25-encouraging-bible-verses-for-women-who-struggle-with-self-worth/

Missing Hugs

In this past year of social distancing, the huggers have had withdrawals of not being able to be themselves. They want to reach out and hug but are reminded not to hug by the face mask the other wears and of their own. No hugs! This causes a void in their daily life whether it be in social settings as in church or just running into a friend or family member.

I know of one lady that is in a public business, a funeral home, and this is her nature. In her personality, which is very caring in this role of a funeral director, the hugs given to those in mourning are an added benefit. After all the funeral plans and committal service, these people know that the hug will come from her in the days ahead. Her hugs felt safe and precious in a time of the darkest hours with a death in a family of our area. If you mention her name, they automatically smile and remember the hugs given and so desperately needed.

I have no doubt this caused a mild depression in her of not offering that hug to those needing one. Back in 1996 when my mother died, she became a rock for me, as I was lost in my grief. I have had family members pass away and friends but this was my mother. My role as a daughter had changed, I am now a caretaker of my father more so, after the funeral and financial ends were finalized. For a long while, I did not know how to process this. I was grieving but had to be strong for my dad, my children. Emotions were always hidden in our family growing up, you don’t cry, for whatever reason. Perhaps I was made to feel that way since I was seven years later and the older ones called me a cry baby. I learned early on to keep my emotions to myself, as a young child. So, I somewhat died along with her but became a robot of day to day living. Maybe they were all robots. During this time, my marriage was dying but even before, to cry on his shoulder or to be held, was also out of the question. Alone in my grief.

Two years later when my father died at home with my sister and I by his side, I was more prepared but still, it is like a rug was pulled out from me. Now I felt like an orphan. Another new role to take upon myself, as I dealt with the estate and a few greedy family members. That’s a whole other writing in itself. The morning my dad passed, I called the funeral home and it was not long until she was with me in my living room, knowing she filled a role in my life that kept me steady on a thin, raveling rope. Those hugs she offered and I accepted was a glue that I needed. Besides my boys, there were no hugs.

So that is her, a hugger of many and filled in a mother role that I needed. She allowed me to cry, she hugged me tight and stayed in touch with me, she knew of my marriage and family issues. Again, she was my rock, when I needed a boulder.

Many years have passed now and a lot has happened since. I was able to not need her as much in this role, as I have grown and adapted to my loss as in time we do, but she will always be special to me. We always have those hugs. Still and many times, gifts to and from one another are related to hugs, even now, texts will relate to hugs. I needed those hugs and I knew her two arms would tightly wrap around me, keeping me together.

So here we are almost a year since this pandemic started and the social distancing, limits all around and it is like a don’t touch sign on each person. It is sad. I decided to reach out to her a few weeks ago as I/we still do for each other. I know she is there but I don’t rely on her as much. Unselfishly, which was not always easy, others need her, too. In my text, I asked her how she was doing and how she was handling this pandemic and the rules. Again, everyone knows she hugs, that is just her. When she responded, she was happy to be asked and felt she could elaborate but had to get back with me. It was several days later and I did not think anything about it, as life happens.

Finally, a text but a different tone in her writing to me, as I started to read, which was unusual from her. I continued to read and was apologizing to me because she thought this would be easy to write about but found it was not. This lady is and has been a strong pillar in our community with the funeral home business but this stirred emotions in her.

Believe it or not, I have been thinking of you a lot after receiving the above request. SORRY to be so long in responding.

When I read your message, I really thought I’d get an answer back to you before the end of the day. As you already know, that wasn’t what happened.

You were requesting me to write you my thoughts, on how things have been going, and how I felt about not being able to socialize, or HUG during this crazy unfamiliar time we’re all living right now.

I didn’t think at first it would be so difficult to write, but I’ve been in solitary (like a lot of other people) for months now, NO hugging, touching, having anyone visit (I understand they are all trying to protect me, but I’m sorry to tell you at this time, I can’t help you.

I’ve also lost so many friends, and several family members since last March, it makes me sad to even think about it. Please forgive me. Maybe at a later time I’ll be able to help you, but right now I don’t want to talk about my feelings. I do Love you and hope and pray you’ll understand. ❤❤❤🙏🙏🙏”

I did understand. Honestly, I bet a majority of people, even you, feel the same. Our lives have been disrupted, a ‘Do Not Cross’ sign on our forehead of no touching, no hugging, no socializing basically. We are pulled from those that give us hope and laughter as a tight hug brings laughter and tears fill our eyes with joy. Now tears of sadness if we give much thought of those times together.

I have had to wonder how I would respond if I would run into her. Automatic hug or replaced with fear to hug, as we both struggle with none. I have wondered about this happening with another, my former counselor if we would run into one another. Upon leaving her practice, she said we could hug if we saw one another and I do expect it. I do know that had it not been for her and I to discuss why hugs meant so much to me and why I yearned for hugs from others, in those years together as counselor/client, among other things we discussed, I don’t doubt I would be experiencing severe depression during this pandemic. If and when I would run into her, how would the emotional side of me react, I wonder. Would it bring further grief, as I miss her? There are some people in my life and I am sure in yours that you want and expect those hugs. I do. I want. We all need them. I have been so blessed with many in my life, just like the two I mentioned.

In this pandemic, there were a few visits with my son of no hugs. My heart was broken as I went back to my room and cried. The grieving of what we have lost in just the touch or a hug, being with others, my own child(ren). The seclusion can do a number on our mental health. Even though, we are resilient.

We are made and we yearn for touch and love. This pandemic puts a wall and the masks further isolate each of us from seeing the smile of those we care for in our lives or just in passing others in day to day life. The joy has diminished from faces and in life. Hopefully, not fully from their hearts. On the surface, we are adapting but we long for those hugs and the closeness in visiting.

Yes, we will get through this season of seclusion but knowing, too we have lost friends or family members with this evil virus. Perhaps this is a wake up call to know and be reminded we are not promised tomorrow, or our next breath. Express your love and appreciation for those we come in contact however done, either in person, phone or text, as it might be the last time.

“Touch is a legitimate physical and emotional need. It’s part of the human experience, and losing that and not knowing when you will get it back is hard.”

https://www.tmc.edu/news/2020/05/touch-starvation/

https://www.webmd.com/lung/news/20200615/how-to-cope-when-covid-steals-loving-touch-hugs

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” (Isaiah 41:10)

https://faithcounts.com/bible-verses-about-coronavirus-20-scriptures-to-help-those-feeling-isolated-and-discouraged/

https://tenor.com/view/running-hug-embrace-imiss-you-good-to-see-you-again-gif-15965620

OPEN and enjoy as many times as you need. ❤️ ML

My Counselor is better than your Counselor 😊

CAC2AA3E-0D94-49D1-BD01-9F043EE7F7E5You know how kids will say, my dad is better than your dad? The title came to me after my one counselor texted me this morning, he was just checking on me with everything happening. How sweet is that!?!

My other counselor and I touched base the other day, too. This means a lot to me as they both know of my past with abandonment. During this time, I could easily feel that way although they had nothing to do with the crisis we are in. Thankfully, I don’t feel abandoned.

Many would object to this contact between counselor and client. Perhaps more so after counseling has ended so the contact would not cause a dip in the progress made. Plus, due to the code of ethics. I get it, although I would welcome contact from my previous counselor, but I doubt that will ever happen.

Just this morning, as I was getting ready for my day, soon after writing my blog, I Don’t Like It, I received his text.  It was like he knew I needed that. Perhaps the Lord put me on his mind and heart to make contact, which did touch my heart. 7B62F08A-0730-4491-B83E-66BEE3139A17

These days and more so ahead, we need to touch base with one another when they come to mind. That could be that the Lord put them in your thoughts to encourage them, if just in a text saying you are thinking of them. Everyone will need encouragement through this period that we have never experienced before. Pay attention to the nudge within, take a minute and touch base.

If you or someone you know is having some issues through all of the crisis at hand, please contact a counselor. While they, too, are on limited face-to-face setting to meet, a telephone call or FaceTime will have to suffice but at least it is something and reaching out. Give yourself or them a pat on the back, if so.

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There is nothing wrong having a counselor, or two in my case. Many still hold a stigma in this area, as you are crazy, etc. Even with me seeing two counselors, that enters my mind that others might think I have a lot of issues. I have issues that I am dealing with but at least I am reaching out for help but mostly to be a better me. I have and had the best.

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