I Wait

4DD5F693-E894-462A-A418-4088F4293B0DThe other day, working and running from one appointment to another after leaving work early, in hopes that everyone needs to run on schedule as I had to.  Three appointments, an hour each, everything worked perfectly.  It was a good day, the stars all lined up, as they say.

Well, until the last one. It was the third appointment, at 4:15 that I pushed to get there on time and I sat.  I waited.  I enjoyed a few mints.  I usually never dig in the candy 10AB8E47-3B46-4ECC-922E-94DEAB502A64dish although I have one on my desk that is open for guests to enjoy. I waited more, thinking the appointment my counselor was in would soon end and she would be rounding the corner to greet me.  I waited, still.  I wrote, texted, read, ate another mint and I could feel myself melt in the chair EBD01CF0-49A0-48AD-A1CD-B3BF90F9A094from tiredness of the early morning alarm and the busy day.  I was now too tired to really talk, the clock was ticking away and I finally set my time that I would leave.  I wrote a brief note and I left. I never do that either. Done.  Goodbye.

Realizing, I had somewhat of a guilty feeling to leave but I was forgotten. A fear of abandonment and rejection that normally would knock me down and cause panic within me.  A conversation my former counselor and I have had many times before.

The fear and panic that would overwhelm me, but I did not feel that this day. It was one of those shake your head moments. Now, in real time, I am actually forgotten by my present 1C50A904-3D97-4456-AD9D-9B07D5AA037Fcounselor. Oh my gosh! The ‘OMG’ panic, fear and anger was missing. Whether I was too tired or was I just frustrated, I tried to figure out.  Was it me? Did I forget or have the wrong day? Knowing this was an off day to meet due to a previous engagement, but we both agreed the week before and also confirmed in an e-mail days before. My mind tossed this and that as I drove away. Have I changed that much? Has there been a healing in this weak, area of my life of fear of being left, rejected, forgotten? I even had to think of my relationship with her compared to my former counselor, is it me that I do not care enough for this counselor. I do care. There is a difference between them, of course, but that was not it either. This feeling of being forgotten before would not matter whom it was or situation.

So. What just happened? Who am I?

To definitely get the one question answered and clear, she is a great counselor also. I know, too, what happened in this circumstance, as I came on a day before my normal appointment and she just forgot to write it down. So yes, I was forgotten but instead of digging a hole of self-pity and sadness to bury myself, I accepted the fact and in the end, was right plus receiving an apology from her.

With me sitting there so patiently, I did realize I am very patient, more than most would be.  I have had a lot of practice in this area, I believe. I try to give a benefit of a doubt to people and situations but sometimes that leads to anger afterward within me. Accept, shrug your shoulders and move on. I am to E6C17036-4CAA-47BB-B48A-38A334D14F0Bthe point that my time and that it is more valuable than being concerned with things I have no control over.

I realized I apparently did pick up some tricks of the trade from my former counselor of many years, which was rewiring my brain. Just like the thoughts of ‘what if’ and I would continue down the dreaded rabbit hole of negative thinking. I did it! I came out on the other side. While I approached home and at the last traffic light, I had a brief moment where I felt the tears building, my heart rate increasing and that panic.  I recognized it and acknowledged. Fear. I was exhausted. Again, to recognize and realize, I knew she would not purposely forget me.52C92B41-EAC9-4D34-9275-36E4201969A6

 

We are not to believe every thought we have. Turn those negative thoughts or lies around.

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I was just amazed and still how that time sitting and waiting did not knock me out of the game of life and counseling. If anything, it made me stronger within myself and probably the connection between counselor and client.

Moving forward as I will not let this stop me.

Above all, and most importantly, I know the One that will never forget me.  He loves me.  He sees me where I am.  He knows where I am going.

Same with you!  Trust Him.

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Give Me Your Pen

For whatever reason, I guess after discussing with my present counselor last week because I am coming up on my one-year anniversary from my former counselor, I am still grieving.  While I am blessed to have my present counselors, I sure miss my former one of four years. Still, I am moving forward and as they say, life goes on.

Being one that has dealt with feelings of abandonment throughout my life and understanding that fact in those four years, I recognized things about myself. Those moments of I do this or I do that, all of which were coping mechanisms I managed to use and still as an older adult, they appear.  I never knew the effects of such until then so the last five years I have been getting to know myself, the good, bad and ugly and understanding the whys in life.

It has been almost a year since a session with former counselor, as I stated. When meeting regularly, weekly sessions usually, I found myself in a panic and feeling the abandonment before she would go on vacation. I thought a week or God forbid, fourteen days were forever. The anxiousness and CDCC0BB6-758F-4B2E-8CE1-CD64A17BF769unsettledness was ever-so present. I counted down the days until her return.  To help me and I shared with her, I installed a timer app on my phone, I still use it.  My coping mechanism, as it keeps track so my mind can be somewhat at ease of not counting.  With this, I can just look at the time, acknowledge my thoughts and feelings, cry if I need to and move forward.  Technology in this sense shows me I made it, some days were rough and have been, but I was and I am moving forward. It’s what works for you to bring calmness.

We discussed this matter many times before and after vacation periods. Many times, and being one dealing with abandonment, a physical item such as a pen is helpful to hold onto. There were times, I wanted to ask her to give me her pen. A2807F53-426E-47CF-A4CC-F3A6A79D58A3The pen she holds that just made notes about me in her file because of the connection between us.

While that pen was an inanimate item, it would have given me a part of her to hold onto.  I would give it back upon her return.  I would be keeping her pen safe with me and I felt safe, as she was still with me.  Abandonment sucks. 9B2A83DB-B250-48D0-AD89-CDFD39EC7C32How sad it is to consider that a little girl, now older woman still clings to such. What happened in that little girl’s life to hold on for dear life to such objects? Maybe one day, when the Lord feels the time is right, I will know exactly why and mostly, what happened to cause such a deep root to still rear its ugly head.  Abandonment in love, emotional neglect was definitely evident.

As crazy as this is, it is somewhat normal, especially one with abandonment in their past.  This was part of my coping mechanism then and still.  Just as in this pen, it is a bonding between us and serves as a way to calm the anxiety within me, just meaning she is still with me.  It’s a transitional object, such as a security blanket for a young child.

As I researched, the weighted blanket that many use nowadays, it calms the anxiety within.  Not saying it is due to abandonment but anxiety can disrupt life.  Anxiety sucks, too!

Whether it be an inanimate object, timer on my phone, a ACDE0AED-5710-49AF-BE61-507DFC2DD64Fphoto, these were typical of me through life and sadly still.  I know the three hundred and sixty-fifth day is approaching since our last session.  My grieving is present still, I acknowledge that.  Will I see her again for a session? No. It is just my coping skill to get through the loss, sadness and hopefully healing as I see this pattern and know I have made it and I will make it.

My time with her was definitely orchestrated by God in those four years. Many times her wisdom and expertise in her field along with her sweet and caring nature and at times stern comments, I grew and will always be thankful.  The Lord knew I needed her as my life became very hopeless in past situations for years, she was my lifeline. Understanding of the past and present became real to me so I can look forward to the future.  88A1B105-FCFA-40D6-855E-87E449118E91

There was a bonding between us.  I can acknowledge, as I did when in session before or after her plans for a leave on vacation that there was a panic within me that happens, which is abandonment.  I did not take her pen but I wanted to each time, or some object.  I survived even though anxiety was apparent.

Today, I can also acknowledge that abandonment became real when she left her counseling position abruptly.  Not only discussing it but also experiencing it by her.  A real life sink or swim moment came into effect dealing with the emotions, thoughts and even anger.  Most importantly, I am still thankful of our time together.

FA259C47-230E-4B65-B0DD-940CC9A03161If you have dealt with loss and lack of love in childhood or as an adult, you will understand me.  It’s real.  It’s real hard, too.  Through it, you have to learn to care for yourself, re-parent yourself, get in touch with your inner child and just love and appreciate yourself.  Do I have all that together?  No, but I do know now what I am dealing with and what I lacked and taking one day at a time.

I am worth it and above all else, I have had to fully trust the Lord moreso, as He loves ME and He will never leave me.

You are worth it and I pray that you put your whole trust in the Lord, as He loves YOU and He will not leave you either.

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A-Fib Fear

BDC8A620-C316-4C94-B67F-AA2AEE76FC56Can you tell by the title that I hate a-fib? I was diagnosed with this back in 2007 after realizing my numb ear and right side of my face felt funny, like no feeling at all and then a ringing in my ear that continues. Going to my son’s ENT, I passed with flying colors in my hearing test but he felt a MRI was needed. Done. When results were in, I was called to come back to the office, which I thought was odd. Taking time off work to do so caused stress in an already stressful job. As I sat there listening to the ENT, he felt I had MS so now I need to see a neurologist, which is more time.

The first neurologist available was one I could not understand and there was limited communication due to the language barrier. Although, I did understand her quick and pointed comments like, you had stroke. Well, I was certainly not expecting that. Now I needed to see a cardiologist. Does it ever end? After being against talking Coumadin (warfarin) for clotting purposes, now I would be afraid not to take it along with meds to control palpitations.

BEDE4EFD-64F3-4C0F-AC37-D1D0A8C4A414I have had my share of palpitations that have lasted for over twelve hours with my heartbeat being over 200. Then other times of the same, I do go to the ER and usually I go back into rhythm on the ride to the hospital so a wasted trip or the doctor says to go back home and wait it out. What is correct? While I prefer to not go to the ER, I know sometimes it is needed and that usually takes a three-day stay. Like I have said, I have experienced it all, even ambulance rides, if my heartbeat is high enough, I get the siren, too.

I have not had an episode for a couple of years. Strangely enough, my last two were in the month of May. Today is May 18th so what is it about May, I wonder. I was doing well today, decided to take a nap and woke up in a-fib. Great. Ugh.

There is a fear, although my heartbeat was only 135, that is more than normal. Can you imagine 220? Not fun at all.

49EC6B43-06A7-4F73-A09B-459EB1702051Today, waiting and trying things to relax and cope, I sensed fear. Afraid to be up on my feet due to possibility of passing out. It is in these times, you think of the ‘what if’ moments, as this could turn bad and take me out of this world.

Me being me, I think of everything that I do not have in order in case I die. A-fib will bring that much fear upon me and odds are others that experience this condition. There is a panic of when this passes, I will do this, that and other things to be prepared for the moment. While I make changes and all, I will never get things caught up.

Thankfully, this did not last long but takes my energy, as if you ran a marathon. I will be tired for a bit but at least I can read, write and watch tv. Still, I hate a-fib with a passion. There is so much I want to do in life and knowing this can cause my life to be cut short or have issues from it, makes me sad. Still, I cannot live in total fear but each palpitation, I realize what could come about.  Like a shadow of fear over my daily walk in life.

So if you also have a-fib, I understand. It is not fun. Hang in there.

I bought this unit years ago and it goes with me everywhere I go.  Alivecor… worth every cent, approximately $99. 65400786-07DE-4BCD-B75F-9C853C4F7D66

 

Winds Are Blowing

FB12F8C0-B7F0-4FA7-83ED-75D40CD61625As I listen to the winds blow outside for hours now, hearing creaks in this old house of mine, the clanging of my wind chimes, I am reminded of the winds that blow in our own lives.  With wind, there is no control, it’s going to blow and with each burst, in hopes the structures are able to sustain the force.

Many times through such storms, I have curled up in my chair listening to the force outside or feeling the force within me, wondering if either can stand through it all.  So many times I have thought or said, ‘Lord, calm the storm’ or ‘Peace. Be still.’

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Amazingly enough, we are stronger than we think we are.  Even if my house falls in the midst of the winds of the storm, He will be with me to rebuild.

It comes down to, for me anyway, that He will help me no matter what circumstances are before me.  I have to trust and have faith in that and mostly in Him.  I may struggle to get there for a bit… but I do.  As in most struggles and trials in life, the worst is when alone, at the midnight hour. ACEB5344-6FB1-417B-A354-0FAA1BF3D956

Lord, calm the chaotic winds within and around my very being so I can be a testimony of your faithfulness.

If you are facing storms in your own life, Trust Him. Easier said than done, I know, but He is our peace.

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Change on a Dime

Funny how things can change on a dime, as they say.  This day was going so well.  The sun was shining, my list of things to do being crossed off and everything was lining up and running like clockwork.  I was happy and ready to have some fun with a few days off work.

In a few short hours, it was the day I dreaded.  Driving over the back roads with my sister to go to dinner and a movie, I pass my counselor’s office who has been on medical leave.  Her signage has been removed and my heart just drops.

63B8434B-7309-49F6-913D-9DEEB59C1111I knew one day that this was a possibility but never hoping it would.  I had to pick up a prescription on our way and in just that short distance, the emotions within me could not be contained. Basically, a death has occurred in my life.  Flip flop from sadness to anger and back again.

Grief is such a pain, whether for the dead or the living, it sucks.  No movie, no dinner, no interest anymore. Done.

So many questions, so many loose ends but…177F9360-1487-40FC-A06B-EC6F46CC93A8

Stepping Out

4cc16ae2-9540-4633-a6d5-d7482f7288f2What am I doing?   It seems like everything is happening all at once and it is putting me to a place out of my comfort zone in many ways. Help me Jesus!

If this all falls into place, it will be a miracle, more ways than one.   How do I get myself in such quandaries?

The one part of me, knows I can pull this off and make it work and it will be nice and a great accomplishment.  Complete faith and trust in the Lord.  The other part that arises is FEAR hearing myself scream inside, ‘What is happening.’  Oh my!  The struggle is real. 85dcac31-8a3c-499e-aa14-86f842b494b2

I have dealt with fear all my life and even tonight I wanted to call a halt to it all.  I cannot do this.  I need to talk to my counselor but that won’t happen.  The points of I need, I want, the what if’s, the panic within balloons and wonder if I will pop from the anxiety.

It is at that point, I must bring it back in and realize I can do this, I can try and if I fail, the world will continue to carry on, I will still have a job, God will still love me, I will learn what to do or not to do next time, etc.  Life goes on!

bible verses about stepping out in faith Lovely Bible Study How to Step Out of Your fort Zone in YourStepping out and putting my feet in the water is overwhelming but I either go forward or remain stuck.  I’m tired of being stuck.

Somebody push me!

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Can Dreams be a Warning?

It’s early morning and I’m wide awake.  I’ll pay for this later.  Awakened either by a dream or a car driving up the road, I’m unsure but I think the dream.40B7C6BF-DD3E-47C8-9A7E-B7CDBE245C83

The dream though was of my husband, by all outward appearance, he is calm and pleasant although Asperger odd.  He was in a rage and when awoke, I could tell my heartbeat was faster than normal so it produced fear in me.  This happened about a week ago, too.  Interesting.

I try to pay attention to my dreams.  There was one I had thirteen times growing up but never understood why but I actually saw it play out right in front of my eyes. 28A158AF-DA56-4C0C-8963-788A00CB5C76Nothing bad really but the exact replay of the dream in real time.  How crazy is that?

Once I had two guys working for me to remodel our home.  The one, the dream showed him in an angered rage and pitching things out my attic window.  Soon after, just days, the second man whose craftsmanship was surperb told me that either the other guy goes or he would. Confirmation!  I let the other man go.  Just that simple

So dreams can help you but sometimes scare the daylights out of you.   Pay attention.A903F384-9082-4F9D-8A51-43A76F335DFC

Time will tell what is up with this rage within my husband, within my dreams.   Might be nothing but might be a warning.