A-Fib Fear

BDC8A620-C316-4C94-B67F-AA2AEE76FC56Can you tell by the title that I hate a-fib? I was diagnosed with this back in 2007 after realizing my numb ear and right side of my face felt funny, like no feeling at all and then a ringing in my ear that continues. Going to my son’s ENT, I passed with flying colors in my hearing test but he felt a MRI was needed. Done. When results were in, I was called to come back to the office, which I thought was odd. Taking time off work to do so caused stress in an already stressful job. As I sat there listening to the ENT, he felt I had MS so now I need to see a neurologist, which is more time.

The first neurologist available was one I could not understand and there was limited communication due to the language barrier. Although, I did understand her quick and pointed comments like, you had stroke. Well, I was certainly not expecting that. Now I needed to see a cardiologist. Does it ever end? After being against talking Coumadin (warfarin) for clotting purposes, now I would be afraid not to take it along with meds to control palpitations.

BEDE4EFD-64F3-4C0F-AC37-D1D0A8C4A414I have had my share of palpitations that have lasted for over twelve hours with my heartbeat being over 200. Then other times of the same, I do go to the ER and usually I go back into rhythm on the ride to the hospital so a wasted trip or the doctor says to go back home and wait it out. What is correct? While I prefer to not go to the ER, I know sometimes it is needed and that usually takes a three-day stay. Like I have said, I have experienced it all, even ambulance rides, if my heartbeat is high enough, I get the siren, too.

I have not had an episode for a couple of years. Strangely enough, my last two were in the month of May. Today is May 18th so what is it about May, I wonder. I was doing well today, decided to take a nap and woke up in a-fib. Great. Ugh.

There is a fear, although my heartbeat was only 135, that is more than normal. Can you imagine 220? Not fun at all.

49EC6B43-06A7-4F73-A09B-459EB1702051Today, waiting and trying things to relax and cope, I sensed fear. Afraid to be up on my feet due to possibility of passing out. It is in these times, you think of the ‘what if’ moments, as this could turn bad and take me out of this world.

Me being me, I think of everything that I do not have in order in case I die. A-fib will bring that much fear upon me and odds are others that experience this condition. There is a panic of when this passes, I will do this, that and other things to be prepared for the moment. While I make changes and all, I will never get things caught up.

Thankfully, this did not last long but takes my energy, as if you ran a marathon. I will be tired for a bit but at least I can read, write and watch tv. Still, I hate a-fib with a passion. There is so much I want to do in life and knowing this can cause my life to be cut short or have issues from it, makes me sad. Still, I cannot live in total fear but each palpitation, I realize what could come about.  Like a shadow of fear over my daily walk in life.

So if you also have a-fib, I understand. It is not fun. Hang in there.

I bought this unit years ago and it goes with me everywhere I go.  Alivecor… worth every cent, approximately $99. 65400786-07DE-4BCD-B75F-9C853C4F7D66

 

Winds Are Blowing

FB12F8C0-B7F0-4FA7-83ED-75D40CD61625As I listen to the winds blow outside for hours now, hearing creaks in this old house of mine, the clanging of my wind chimes, I am reminded of the winds that blow in our own lives.  With wind, there is no control, it’s going to blow and with each burst, in hopes the structures are able to sustain the force.

Many times through such storms, I have curled up in my chair listening to the force outside or feeling the force within me, wondering if either can stand through it all.  So many times I have thought or said, ‘Lord, calm the storm’ or ‘Peace. Be still.’

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Amazingly enough, we are stronger than we think we are.  Even if my house falls in the midst of the winds of the storm, He will be with me to rebuild.

It comes down to, for me anyway, that He will help me no matter what circumstances are before me.  I have to trust and have faith in that and mostly in Him.  I may struggle to get there for a bit… but I do.  As in most struggles and trials in life, the worst is when alone, at the midnight hour. ACEB5344-6FB1-417B-A354-0FAA1BF3D956

Lord, calm the chaotic winds within and around my very being so I can be a testimony of your faithfulness.

If you are facing storms in your own life, Trust Him. Easier said than done, I know, but He is our peace.

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Change on a Dime

Funny how things can change on a dime, as they say.  This day was going so well.  The sun was shining, my list of things to do being crossed off and everything was lining up and running like clockwork.  I was happy and ready to have some fun with a few days off work.

In a few short hours, it was the day I dreaded.  Driving over the back roads with my sister to go to dinner and a movie, I pass my counselor’s office who has been on medical leave.  Her signage has been removed and my heart just drops.

63B8434B-7309-49F6-913D-9DEEB59C1111I knew one day that this was a possibility but never hoping it would.  I had to pick up a prescription on our way and in just that short distance, the emotions within me could not be contained. Basically, a death has occurred in my life.  Flip flop from sadness to anger and back again.

Grief is such a pain, whether for the dead or the living, it sucks.  No movie, no dinner, no interest anymore. Done.

So many questions, so many loose ends but…177F9360-1487-40FC-A06B-EC6F46CC93A8

Stepping Out

4cc16ae2-9540-4633-a6d5-d7482f7288f2What am I doing?   It seems like everything is happening all at once and it is putting me to a place out of my comfort zone in many ways. Help me Jesus!

If this all falls into place, it will be a miracle, more ways than one.   How do I get myself in such quandaries?

The one part of me, knows I can pull this off and make it work and it will be nice and a great accomplishment.  Complete faith and trust in the Lord.  The other part that arises is FEAR hearing myself scream inside, ‘What is happening.’  Oh my!  The struggle is real. 85dcac31-8a3c-499e-aa14-86f842b494b2

I have dealt with fear all my life and even tonight I wanted to call a halt to it all.  I cannot do this.  I need to talk to my counselor but that won’t happen.  The points of I need, I want, the what if’s, the panic within balloons and wonder if I will pop from the anxiety.

It is at that point, I must bring it back in and realize I can do this, I can try and if I fail, the world will continue to carry on, I will still have a job, God will still love me, I will learn what to do or not to do next time, etc.  Life goes on!

bible verses about stepping out in faith Lovely Bible Study How to Step Out of Your fort Zone in YourStepping out and putting my feet in the water is overwhelming but I either go forward or remain stuck.  I’m tired of being stuck.

Somebody push me!

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Can Dreams be a Warning?

It’s early morning and I’m wide awake.  I’ll pay for this later.  Awakened either by a dream or a car driving up the road, I’m unsure but I think the dream.40B7C6BF-DD3E-47C8-9A7E-B7CDBE245C83

The dream though was of my husband, by all outward appearance, he is calm and pleasant although Asperger odd.  He was in a rage and when awoke, I could tell my heartbeat was faster than normal so it produced fear in me.  This happened about a week ago, too.  Interesting.

I try to pay attention to my dreams.  There was one I had thirteen times growing up but never understood why but I actually saw it play out right in front of my eyes. 28A158AF-DA56-4C0C-8963-788A00CB5C76Nothing bad really but the exact replay of the dream in real time.  How crazy is that?

Once I had two guys working for me to remodel our home.  The one, the dream showed him in an angered rage and pitching things out my attic window.  Soon after, just days, the second man whose craftsmanship was surperb told me that either the other guy goes or he would. Confirmation!  I let the other man go.  Just that simple

So dreams can help you but sometimes scare the daylights out of you.   Pay attention.A903F384-9082-4F9D-8A51-43A76F335DFC

Time will tell what is up with this rage within my husband, within my dreams.   Might be nothing but might be a warning.

 

Grip of Fear

Fear is no stranger to me or me of it.  Always lurking around ready to attach and bring me down.  

I have done so well lately, well a few days, but at one point while at work this afternoon, it hit.  The panic starts and questions roll within my mind of the what if’s.   At the time, I was thinking about counseling, my counselor.  Today is a Monday, my usual day to meet with my counselor as we have for years so it seemed appropriate that it happen today. My routine has been disrupted and I still feel lost by not going.

While she is on a leave of absence, perhaps six months or maybe longer, my mind zips to when she will return.  Will she call me?  Will I be invited back?  Am I anybody to her now?  The questions continue and bombard my mind and my body is reacting in panic of what if she doesn’t, you are nobody, it’s over, and so on.  

While all of this seems to last forever, it did not.  I was able to recognize what was happening, remembering her advice and direction, realizing I was feeling tired and overwhelmed with my work and how my body was frozen and feeling a sense of doom. All of this just added further chaos to my busy day, but I was happy I did not stay there.  


The hopelessness and tightness in my body was evident.  What am I going to do?  How am I going to make it?  I miss her.  I need her.  Oh my God, help me.  Panic!

Fear is torment no matter how it comes or what about.

Understanding and control finally took over and I continued with my work.  Considering the grip it had at the time, I decided to write.

Again, I have done so well the past few days and adjusting of our sessions no longer happening, knowing I still have attachment issues and feel the abandonment in this relationship, but I know I must go forward and I will. Hopefully, in a more healthier way than with past relationships. I’m still learning, growing and healing.

Whether I am called back if or when she starts counseling again, I don’t know, time will tell. It would hurt me deeply if not and I don’t know how I will respond, if so, but silently cry many tears and write more.

While it would be nice to know and hear from her, I realize boundaries are in tact in our counselor/client relationship, so I patiently wait. I care for her and I pray for her.

When the fear comes, and it will, no matter what form, all you can do is try to get a grip.

 

Abandonment

The overwhelming panic that occurs within seems uncontrollable for minutes on end.   Finally, a calmness comes but at the moment, it feels as though my world is crumbling all around me.   I freeze in a state of panic.B0573495-F515-4206-9F85-C607EBDC63A8

Never realizing of all my life until a wise counselor brought this to my attention in the last few years.  The attachment issues for some, usually mother figures, which ends in loss.  Whether our paths no longer cross and the painful loss dwindles.  It comes in many forms but each one brings abandonment.   Yet again, I feel this deep within with the loss of my Counselor being on medical leave.

Really, will she return, I ask myself?  Will she even acknowledge me if and when she does?  Perhaps I caused this but knowing, I don’t have enough power to do that, to lose her whole practice with clients, so that eases my mind.  How can she do this to me? Knowing that is a selfish though but normal.  I do care for her well-being but, you left me.  These thoughts and fears roll over in my mind daily if not more, trying to cope in life.  If people only knew the craziness of it all within me, they would be shocked.   I have to be cool but I am not   Guess that is where my actress skills with my mask comes in handy.

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So today, I pondered the ‘root’ of this abandonment within my life.  It is a childhood issue.  Most adult problems are childhood issues.   Now, I want to know when, where and why this developed within me.  What major loss caused me to deal with this pain throughout my life and still, over and over again.

This leave of absence of hers has put me in anxiety, like never before.   There are a lot of loose ends that are dangling, that causes me chaos.  Many times we discussed this dangling in our sessions with various topics.  Now, a BIG dangling area is before me with no hope.

0A79AC16-9E30-4FBF-8013-280372439DCBI have questions, I need her wise input, I need to discuss my feelings and emotions, I need to know that she understands where I am and can validate my feelings.  I need her!  All of this is left hanging in the balance while I sort through and remain numb and reaching out to hold on for dear life.   Help me!6CF60112-5953-4897-AB97-CD92508902A6

How can I not be angry at times?  At her, at God, at myself.  Here I go again but it feels a million times worse than the last time.  I’m older, I should be able to grasp and get my act together but at times I lose it.  It takes everything within me to hold it together.

Maybe I am at this point to get to the root of this problem. Maybe God displaced her to make me depend upon Him more.   I understand this but cannot help to feel anger even with that.   I learned a long time ago, that I can be angry with God and I can tell Him that.  I have.  It’s actually freeing.   He knows anyway.

The journey of healing is not easy but is worth it.   Oh Dear God, please open my eyes to see and understand where this root came from, to remove and to bring healing to my Spirit, Soul and Body.

If you have been following my blog, thank you.  While many of my writings are depressing, it is because it is.  This is a walk that is uncomfortable and brings vulnerability on my part to share.   Even so, it has helped me to write, tell my story and be heard even if in print.  Again, thank you.

One day maybe my counselor will read my blogs to see where I have been, where I am and one day where I will be.  I was blessed to have her in my life and I hope and pray for her daily.