Grip of Fear

Fear is no stranger to me or me of it.  Always lurking around ready to attach and bring me down.  

I have done so well lately, well a few days, but at one point while at work this afternoon, it hit.  The panic starts and questions roll within my mind of the what if’s.   At the time, I was thinking about counseling, my counselor.  Today is a Monday, my usual day to meet with my counselor as we have for years so it seemed appropriate that it happen today. My routine has been disrupted and I still feel lost by not going.

While she is on a leave of absence, perhaps six months or maybe longer, my mind zips to when she will return.  Will she call me?  Will I be invited back?  Am I anybody to her now?  The questions continue and bombard my mind and my body is reacting in panic of what if she doesn’t, you are nobody, it’s over, and so on.  

While all of this seems to last forever, it did not.  I was able to recognize what was happening, remembering her advice and direction, realizing I was feeling tired and overwhelmed with my work and how my body was frozen and feeling a sense of doom. All of this just added further chaos to my busy day, but I was happy I did not stay there.  


The hopelessness and tightness in my body was evident.  What am I going to do?  How am I going to make it?  I miss her.  I need her.  Oh my God, help me.  Panic!

Fear is torment no matter how it comes or what about.

Understanding and control finally took over and I continued with my work.  Considering the grip it had at the time, I decided to write.

Again, I have done so well the past few days and adjusting of our sessions no longer happening, knowing I still have attachment issues and feel the abandonment in this relationship, but I know I must go forward and I will. Hopefully, in a more healthier way than with past relationships. I’m still learning, growing and healing.

Whether I am called back if or when she starts counseling again, I don’t know, time will tell. It would hurt me deeply if not and I don’t know how I will respond, if so, but silently cry many tears and write more.

While it would be nice to know and hear from her, I realize boundaries are in tact in our counselor/client relationship, so I patiently wait. I care for her and I pray for her.

When the fear comes, and it will, no matter what form, all you can do is try to get a grip.

 

Abandonment

The overwhelming panic that occurs within seems uncontrollable for minutes on end.   Finally, a calmness comes but at the moment, it feels as though my world is crumbling all around me.   I freeze in a state of panic.B0573495-F515-4206-9F85-C607EBDC63A8

Never realizing of all my life until a wise counselor brought this to my attention in the last few years.  The attachment issues for some, usually mother figures, which ends in loss.  Whether our paths no longer cross and the painful loss dwindles.  It comes in many forms but each one brings abandonment.   Yet again, I feel this deep within with the loss of my Counselor being on medical leave.

Really, will she return, I ask myself?  Will she even acknowledge me if and when she does?  Perhaps I caused this but knowing, I don’t have enough power to do that, to lose her whole practice with clients, so that eases my mind.  How can she do this to me? Knowing that is a selfish though but normal.  I do care for her well-being but, you left me.  These thoughts and fears roll over in my mind daily if not more, trying to cope in life.  If people only knew the craziness of it all within me, they would be shocked.   I have to be cool but I am not   Guess that is where my actress skills with my mask comes in handy.

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So today, I pondered the ‘root’ of this abandonment within my life.  It is a childhood issue.  Most adult problems are childhood issues.   Now, I want to know when, where and why this developed within me.  What major loss caused me to deal with this pain throughout my life and still, over and over again.

This leave of absence of hers has put me in anxiety, like never before.   There are a lot of loose ends that are dangling, that causes me chaos.  Many times we discussed this dangling in our sessions with various topics.  Now, a BIG dangling area is before me with no hope.

0A79AC16-9E30-4FBF-8013-280372439DCBI have questions, I need her wise input, I need to discuss my feelings and emotions, I need to know that she understands where I am and can validate my feelings.  I need her!  All of this is left hanging in the balance while I sort through and remain numb and reaching out to hold on for dear life.   Help me!6CF60112-5953-4897-AB97-CD92508902A6

How can I not be angry at times?  At her, at God, at myself.  Here I go again but it feels a million times worse than the last time.  I’m older, I should be able to grasp and get my act together but at times I lose it.  It takes everything within me to hold it together.

Maybe I am at this point to get to the root of this problem. Maybe God displaced her to make me depend upon Him more.   I understand this but cannot help to feel anger even with that.   I learned a long time ago, that I can be angry with God and I can tell Him that.  I have.  It’s actually freeing.   He knows anyway.

The journey of healing is not easy but is worth it.   Oh Dear God, please open my eyes to see and understand where this root came from, to remove and to bring healing to my Spirit, Soul and Body.

If you have been following my blog, thank you.  While many of my writings are depressing, it is because it is.  This is a walk that is uncomfortable and brings vulnerability on my part to share.   Even so, it has helped me to write, tell my story and be heard even if in print.  Again, thank you.

One day maybe my counselor will read my blogs to see where I have been, where I am and one day where I will be.  I was blessed to have her in my life and I hope and pray for her daily.

Another Day…

0695DB02-8507-4EA4-8C56-F31467AE749AUsually the next part of that is, another dollar.  If only.   For me today, it is another load in the washer as I catch up on the household cleaning due to this ingenious idea of mine to join a class weeks ago.  Counting down, I have twelve days left.  Well until I start the next phase, clinicals.  Again, WTH was I thinking?

Being older and doing such and feeling the pressure like in high school, which I hated, in taking tests, I am and have been kicking myself.   Many don’t do well under pressure and I am one.  Just text me my low grade lady instructor so I can continue to kick myself and dig myself a hole, too.

E45F0D84-86E2-4286-A615-D0B128D78C7CSitting in the small class, it is a lot like I remember in high school.  There’s always one that is above the others. When she handed in her test paper, my mind went there.  I’m old enough to be her mother, all of them in fact.  Still, the horror of high school and feeling that same pressure, I went down and went down fast.  There were two questions, I totally knew the answers to but did not answer them correctly, for whatever reason.  Panic.  Others, too, but those two are rehearsed in my head causing me torment.  Make them stop!  FA59178F-7249-42DE-83CD-BEA329923D17

At this point, it is what it is.  To humor myself, especially with those two questions and answers, I wonder if the instructor while grading is thinking, WTH was she thinking.  I don’t know lady, I don’t know.

My umph is gone, my desire to get this class over and done with is sky high, unsure if I will pass or not.  Later on, will I be pleased of the torment and glad I stuck it out or will I still be kicking myself, thinking what in the world was I thinking I could do that?

Time will tell.  Just another day.