Sanded Away

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A task I have been wanting to do for years but never enough time or desire to really attempt, I did. With this quarantine, I have had my ups and downs, but I am starting to enjoy being home. Working one day a week is not that bad, but I know once we are back in full swing, I will most likely be working overtime, so for now, I am enjoying my time, completing jobs on my to-do list and let’s not forget about those naps.

42A5E19A-F5FD-4D6B-9E79-CBE3603C27CBSo the past two weeks or so, I have taken my solid oak kitchen table top and two oak end tables out to the driveway and garage to sand, in between other projects. I tend to start many projects at a time, so I have a mess in many rooms. I get bored with one, work on another or allow time for paint to dry, etc. Oftentimes wondering if I will get it all back together, but I do. I actually enjoy working with wood, remodeling, decorating, recovering chair cushions and all that HGTV has to offer. Just give me a sledgehammer or a tool, they do not intimidate me.

As I am sanding this much used and abused table, enjoying the breeze as it scoots the dust out away from me, I think of all the memories this old table has held. Thinking back of when we got it and the hutch to match, back in 1991. Where did the time go? My parents bought this for us, as a gift in our first home.802CF288-5D30-42BB-9887-16912CB69FA1

I remember going to the furniture store to pick it out, knowing it would last for a lifetime; and thirty-one years later, it has many more years to go and will after I am dead and gone. I love oak or any solid wood furniture. I know if my son and daughter-in-law get this later on, she will paint it, all of my work covered in a color. The girl loves to paint wood furniture but I guess it won’t matter to me, so paint on!

The dinners, holidays, the birthday parties, games, puzzles, crafts, and if my husband wasn’t caught, he used it as a work bench, which I frowned upon. Seriously? No! I think he is scared of me and if so, my job is complete.49EB989C-A5DF-4294-BFD8-1EC5B57918E1

Memories of the past brings a smile, as memories are priceless as I enjoyed the time sanding. One table down and two end tables to go. The end tables were my parent’s tables, which I inherited. I picked them out when we went shopping for furniture many, many years ago so I did good and they have been great tables.

As I sand, take a step back to see if I need to sand more, I think, we all have areas in our lives that need to be sanded to make the rough edges smooth or buff the dull, lifelessness away for something new. Sometimes not a pleasant experience. Or perhaps we know ourselves well enough that we are aware of areas that need attention and to prepare in order to meet goals in life. It’s the end result that matters, of what we make of the rough edges and areas that need attention.B5A800A0-4F05-472E-8036-F446CC7F6580

In those times of sanding and buffing, hopefully we learn a lesson of what not to do, usually, or how to make better. If I could redo my life, of course, with what I know now, I definitely would change some things, a lot of things. What I have is today, to make my tomorrows better.

In myself, I started years ago, probably 2008, attempting but knocked down time and time again. In 2010, I made the decision to have weight-loss surgery to help my self-esteem and confidence come alive, which helped but I kept getting snagged in some rough places. Finally, in 2014, enough was enough and the buffing began in my life with counseling. This was not always comfortable but worth the end result of what I can see come about and hope for. I’m getting there!

Why did it take me so long to understand and why I do the things I do, think, feel? Now it is like I don’t have a lot of time left in life to enjoy, as my age increases, but I will to the best of my ability to reach toward the goals and trust the Lord through it all. as I have done.80F6F564-6467-479B-9638-CDA147FC2414

Had it not been for this period of counseling, I really don’t know where I would be right now, except maybe isolated and severely depressed or perhaps not even here writing this blog. At times I am just in awe of the changes around me and within me and look forward to what is ahead. I have hope where there was none.

Sometimes we have to go through the sanding and the buffing to enjoy the beauty of a finished product. Hopefully saying, it was worth it all.

My finished product:

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Buried Titles

B19F4115-FC0D-480E-ADF8-03CC2383600CThankfully, most of us come a place in life when we see all of the pieces of the past fall together and we can look over our life and see how the Lord orchestrated the good, the bad, of which we caused, and brings us to a point of where you or I are right now.56089E8D-E8F1-40A6-9286-873CAAEA5251

Actually, now seeing the Hand of God, back through the years in my own life, it is exciting. My counselor has said numerous times that she sees a weaving of a tapestry in my life. At times I felt as though those threads were unraveling to the point of almost choking me.

The other night, as I went through some old notes, just because and as I needed proof and to be reminded that what I went through was real. At times as I have discussed issues of my life in our sessions, thinking this can’t be real, but it is, it was. I hear my voice sharing at times of the memories and reliving the moment as in watching a tv show and it all seems unreal. I question myself as if I am lying of the emotional pain and situations I experienced. My notes, my journals, 5D2F9F31-1741-40B5-A66C-B66DB331624Amy screams on the paper, majority having dates of which provide proof and gives a timeline.

I truly have been blessed with awesome counselors, woven in to help me spin and weave this tapestry. Allowing me to understand myself and bring healing to the loose threads of my life.

Many times, consistently I found that I wrote in my notes, ‘Lord, move or move me’ and another was, ‘Don’t let my pain be wasted.’ So many sentences began with ‘Oh Lord, I need you and your direction, please give me strength.’ I believe He did and He is still doing so. 3C9BD2B8-53A5-40B9-B362-80898BDFCEA7

It is just amazing how you can get through some of the lowest points in life and then look back years later not knowing how you made it, but you did. Had it not been for my faith, and at times that was wavering and wondering if He left me to just die in this pit of despair. He was all I had, even when I doubted His Love for me, He still loved me. 273EED1E-7378-4082-A27C-79E9FC201AAC

In my stash of notes, which I have kept for many reasons, but I think I knew, too, that I would need to refer back to them and I have in my counseling sessions. I also knew I have had a desire to write a book for years. Interestingly enough, don’t we all say at one point or another that we could write a book?  I had forgotten that I started back in 2000, maybe even before, of listing titles, for such a dream. In those titles, I knew each one would jog my memory and allow me to go back to my notes and like a DVR, to elaborate as words would appear before me and most likely cause many tears and anger. We all have a testimony to share in hopes to give hope and encourage others.

With my blogs and other writings, these allow me to express my creativity and even my vulnerability of sharing parts of my life with the public. Thank you for reading. In each one, a stepping stone to build my confidence and being patient as I move forward watching it all unfold. I know the Lord is doing something in my life and perhaps my writing is to encourage others and give hope or maybe it is all just for healing within me. 

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Who knows but the Lord of what will come about from the buried titles I uncovered but it was like a treasure to find. Just another part of the weaving.

Look around, look at where you are today, think of those that have crossed your path through the years, ALL of it to bring you to where you are today. Sometimes we go through things that are not so pleasant and we feel alone. Even though, He is right there with you. Trust Him.

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Ephesians 2:10, “For we are his handiwork, created in Christ Jesus for the good works that God has prepared in advance, that we should live in them.”

https://brokendoorministries.com/4th-day-letters/the-tapestry-of-life/