Nitrous Glow

Whether you hate or you like it, it is all a personal choice, that is of nitrous oxide at the dentist office.

51D852CC-2E54-4815-BBEE-1BD198F3E152I’m a better patient with it.

This past Tuesday, I had an appointment, one among many in my life, it was my turn to have a much dreaded dental procedure, an implant.  While not my first, I was just not looking forward to the pain ahead of me. I had just had a migraine and head pain was taking its toll on me.

On my mind was, please do not numb me until I am well on my way to a land of I do not care, as much with the nitrous oxide (aka laughing gas).D5B37D56-61F9-466A-9159-3E382D829192

In past appointments, being in this position, my adrenaline has been high at times and the nitrous was not doing what it should, always hearing them suggest breathe deep through your nose. I felt panic although I trusted the dentist ‘my man’ as my co-workers call him, as I was there so often when getting crowns, etc.

So as I was settled in, now numb and feeling at ease somewhat, I was determined to breathe more abdominally as my counselor taught me in order to relax. I wanted the max of this nitrous today, it had been a rough week, and it was only Tuesday.  I don’t drink, I don’t do drugs but I like my nitrous oxide, which is always funny when I tell this to others. I think I put them in a state of shock, which is even more funnier. 17E39B26-2239-4F5A-B8D2-CD95894CBD95

My sister says it makes her cry. My husband poses to be a macho man so he would have the dentist do most dental work with nothing, which is just insane. His best friend did this so I guess he feels he needs to do the same. Who knows!

As I am lying in the chair and feeling pretty good, I close my eyes and sense the symptoms of nitrous in my body. It seems to come in waves for me, perhaps my breathing patterns or perhaps meant to be, so it is not too much and continuously, I don’t know. As my body and then my eyelids relaxed, I see a soft white glow, my mind wanders 28B76B30-B9BC-4B4A-BB03-4652DF10EB4Eand I think perhaps this is what dying feels like. It allows me to think and ponder on such instead of what is happening in my mouth. While that brings a sense of joy, I know I am deep in the flow of it all now but then a jolt of panic hits me thinking what if I am dying here in this chair. Thank God I do not do drugs, this is all I can handle. The glow, the nitrous glow, is only the fluorescent light in the ceiling and the light shining on my mouth as he works. Still, I wonder if the light will shine so bright on my face one day when I do die.

In my experience, having nitrous, I can escape and think of things that are often creative, as with this blog, the nitrous glow of what heaven would be like, etc. I escape E6055BF6-CD39-4F74-89AA-9E005BE877B8all the troubles and stressors of my life in this time. Music, especially those songs that are meaningful anyway, become surreal and tears will flow down from the corners of my eyes to my neck dropping teardrops on my dental napkin or clothing. I wonder if the assistant sees my tears flow thinking if I am in pain. If she only knew my joy, as the song goes deep into my soul, knowing that God knows all about me and feeling what a precious time it was to know of His presence while in the dentist chair being tortured by ‘my man’ so my smile will remain.

42A8F448-BB3C-45AA-A7E4-EBF32DABF1FDOf course, the nitrous is over, the effects of his handiwork are being felt as the numbing is wearing off. I have a feeling I will feel this for a few days. I need more nitrous, I miss the glow. Just pass me a pain pill, I’ll make due.

It will all be worth it. I will SMILE because I am happy. FFCE5428-4BC0-4BF1-8578-FB019BDE7A93

 

 

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“Let my soul smile through my heart and my heart smile through my eyes, that I may scatter rich smiles in sad hearts. Smile, it is the key that fits the lock of everybody’s heart. Smile in the mirror. Do that every morning and you’ll start to see a big difference in your life.”

https://www.wiseoldsayings.com/smile-quotes/

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Grouchy Pants

FA346EA7-B58A-495C-990F-C9202005B752Some days, don’t you just want to scream and really say what you want? Restraint is required many times. Right? Thoughts of saying what I want runs rampant all the while biting my tongue or afterward wishing I said this or that as I replayed the situation over and over in my mind.

How is it that others feel they can give me their two cents, their thoughts and opinions about me but if I do the same, I am considered rude, stubborn, grouchy, etc.?

22F808B3-4E7B-441E-A5DD-ED891DBA85DAIt drives me absolutely insane. Just this past weekend, while walking, I had some major pain in my right leg. This happened recently, too, when walking a 5K. I did not know what was happening and 8D7C2148-9F50-4BCF-A2F3-7327EA1E99B3even wondered if I was having a stroke. While trying to remain calm while in pain, I flexed my right arm, twisted my mouth, talked just to see if I could and made sense. Everything seemed fine, it was just my whole right leg. I thought I would not make it to the finish line. Just let me sit down on the bridge and come get me is about what I wanted to say to my friend I was walking with, as the pain was beyond what I thought I could cope with. I had to mentally focus on the finish line while physically I wanted to give up.  We were not as close as I wanted to be but I made it. I was so happy to cross the finish line, somewhat limping. Maybe it was just stress built up from what I just endured the two weeks prior and my whole leg got the blunt of the pain. I never had this pain before when walking, ever.

I have learned through life, that in the pain, no matter what kind, you have to push through sometimes but it definitely alerts you, something is not right.  45F73FE1-A752-488B-BB94-F146586EA889

So when this happened yet again, I knew I had a problem. My acupuncturist was able to see me the next day so with the needles he had in hand, I was the pin cushion but a welcomed relief.

It was the following day when I went to my chiropractor. I was telling him of my situation. I tried to tell him about it while I explained the pain. While I was sitting on his table, moving my hand, just a quick pattern of the pain down my leg. I stopped and kept my hand on my leg while we discussed the possibilities. He informed me his thoughts. He remarked of E808FBD1-90C5-4066-9D87-B90FE9A4F83Dwhere my hand landed on my leg, just resting, which was on my shin bone area, as I continued to talk. He proceeded telling me where ‘my pain’ was at, since my hand was there. No! I tried to explain further that the pain was not my shin bone (shin splints), but I found myself frustrated with him discounting my pain. Usually when I get to this point, I will reply with never mind and move on, I quit trying to explain myself.

As I was lying on the heat, therapy table after my adjustment, he asked me why I was so grouchy. What? Saying that I am usually not that way and I was taken aback. While lying there, I apologized but thanked him for calling me out on it, if I was grouchy. We joked later but still, it bothered me, but why I wondered.08AB86AA-96B5-47F6-B9EC-C26FBC518058

When I left, got in my car to drive away, thinking about the situation that just transpired, I realized I felt he did not listen to me, he was convinced that he knew where and what my pain was but not validating my feelings in this pain that I was trying to express. All because my hand was laying on my leg where it did. Anyway, he did not listen or hear me or even care to, as he had the answer and even disregarded what my acupuncturist had to say. It triggered a response that I would have had as a child and even throughout my adulthood. When I say never mind or whatever, I am so done. My thoughts or what I have to say means nothing so I would shut up and I did just that with him. What is the use in trying to make another understand or realize what I was experiencing. Just save my breath. I had nothing more to say and odds 956E249B-7CF6-483F-A777-FBF266D34A79are, I will not bring up the pain in my leg from walking again, unless he asks. I was triggered, which made me shut down, having no voice. I recognized it instead of holding that grudge and being mad for hours or days. This was something that I dealt with all my life. I do have a voice and instead of shutting down, I should have just expressed that he was not hearing me, actually I do try and tried in this situation, but I have learned there is no use. So to him, I was grouchy.

Why do others feel as though they can call me out and call me names but I don’t dare do that to them?

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Even though my chiropractor did not hear or listen to me, I know the One that does listen to me, He knows of what I am dealing with and He understands me, even though this triggered me more than I liked. In the many times throughout my life when it happened, I would shut down. Do not think that I did not tell the Lord that what just happened, hurt and upset me. He knows my heart.

We all have times when we get hurt, not heard or we are misunderstood. Life… it happens! I am not perfect, I have hurt others in the same way, too. I think just recognizing how fast this all happened and that I recognized the trigger and did not get all bent out of shape. I was happy, thinking counseling has helped me to understand and to cope. Progress!

We each have a mind and a voice, even though it is sometimes lost in the chaos of life. What matters is our trust in the Lord and that He knows us better than anyone (better than we know ourself) and our faith must be in Him. Everything else will fall into place. Trust Him!

 

Jesus was misunderstood. He was perfect and righteous, yet He was still misunderstood by people. If He was misunderstood, I totally will be too. Yet He seemed to seek love above all, not understanding.

When You are Feeling Misunderstood

Is Grouchiness a Mood?  “Although it may feel this way, crankiness doesn’t “just happen,” especially if there’s no specific scenario leading to your cranky mood. These feelings of irritability and annoyance are usually a result of something going on inside your body.”

Validation: The Need to Know that You Matter

 

 

 

My Achy Breaky Heart

EE333D73-EDCD-4FE8-82B0-DCA046E78CC9We have all heard the song, Achy Breaky Heart, at some point in our life. Honestly, I did not like that song then and the title is only being used as it fits my story.

The other night as I watched Grey’s Anatomy, they said that this man had a broken heart syndrome, which caught my attention. With that I remembered back way many years ago when I was in the hospital for some reason. That is how long ago it was, as I cannot remember what was medically happening then.

Odds are though, it was between 2000 and 2008. I was dealing with too much on my plate and my marriage was 4B04D047-69D5-4F75-954F-1B024D4278F1lost and suffering in the midst. Many health and psychology articles mention if stress, anger and emotional turmoil within is not dealt with, physical ailments result. Bingo! I had been experiencing a pain in my heart for awhile but could never express to the nurses or doctors of the nagging pain that was continuous, tests were negative which of course brought fear, even more into my life because the pain remained. B5BE4975-3774-4DFE-B789-B0ED1FD2EB74

As I was in the hospital bed, the nurse was checking my vitals and asking me questions about the pain and sadly I said to her that I think I just have a broken heart. In my mind, that was truth, it was that bad in my life. Being a patient in the hospital was never a problem for me, even though sleep is interrupted often but to me it was a respite for me from my own home. How sad is that?

I knew as a patient, they would care for me.  I did not need to care for anyone. The medical field was always an interest anyway but time away, an excused absence from my life, was welcomed when it did happen.

Here it has been so many years of me feeling and saying of my broken heart that it is actually a real thing. I was not wrong to tell that nurse my heart was broken, because it was. Whether it was broken heart syndrome or not, I do have proof that I had a stroke in 2007. No doubt that was stress related and odds are an end result of it all combined.

2E273A6E-EA5B-488C-9577-C6CD8DBC438FThrough the years of dealing with such, I have learned to deal with and take care of myself and to heal the ache. While some of those times were building walls so that it would never happen again, from anyone, that is not good either. Life happens and we will be hurt and I have been. I recognize that sometimes these overwhelming times of distraught made me stronger. I made it through the last time, I can make it through this time, being resilient. I had to be.4C56003D-ACEB-4FAE-A4DD-95B1332ED944

Having my former counselor in 2014 for four years, I learned to acknowledge the hurt, notice where I felt the symptoms in my body, feel the feelings, name it, etc. while that helped and helps now, I believe most importantly pray for forgiveness of the one hurting you, which will release and bring the wall down that was readily to go up instantly. Not necessarily for them but for yourself.3BA54066-7984-4EE7-95F9-B7B466CBE294

We will all be hurt at some point and in different areas and also we must acknowledge that we will hurt others, too. It is life and how the world goes around.  Perhaps not meaning to be hurt or cause hurt but it happens.

Thankfully we have a Heavenly Father that knows all about us. He sees us as in pain from the hurt. He knew we built walls around us determined never to be done that way again. He sees and collects all of our tears, many times 7B5662BA-B0A6-4FF3-93AD-B3C3E7156E88thinking He has gallon jugs of my tears. He knows that we had or have unforgiveness in our heart. Still, He loves us. He patiently allows us to wallow in our despair and agony, kick and scream and act like brats at times. We are His children and He loves us. In time though, for complete joy, peace and happiness in life, we must turn to Him. God, I need you! He is right there waiting on us to call upon Him.

F62E596F-67B5-4A8D-A08D-28FE1B22AB14Only God can heal my broken heart and He has many times. The pain eases and I can trust Him that through it ALL, He knows me, He loves me. Same with you. We all will have times where it seems hopeless. Whatever or whomever has hurt you, causing pain in your life, turn it over and allow Him to heal your broken heart or pieces within. Trust Him!

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https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/two-takes-depression/201102/broken-heart-syndrome

https://www.crosswalk.com/devotionals/your-daily-prayer/a-prayer-for-when-your-overwhelmed-heart-aches-for-his-overwhelming-peace-your-daily-prayer-december-27-2016.html

Deep Roots

The roots of abandonment can go far and be buried in the depths of your soul, well mine anyway.  While I know I am not alone, as I have read too much of others confessing the same.  It just makes you feel alone, that nobody cares and the sadness can swallow one up in a gulp.

Today was no exception.  I opened up an area that I just tend to scrape the surface but that scab fell off and I was in pain from the triggered effect.  Oh my God, how much more do I need to deal with this pain in my life?  Will it ever go away?  Have I been pushing down all the emotions still, all along?  Honestly, I know that answer.  I do.  It has been a lifelong trait that I fall into easier.

2DE93CB1-8FB6-4F42-86F4-AB6AB485AC70The movie, Something’s Gotta Give, with Diane Keaton (Erica) and  Jack Nicholson, a cute romantic movie where she is a writer and finds herself emotional while writing her best book and movie ever, came to mind.   It was Erica’s wailing and screaming while tossing typing paper from the typewriter and the used tissues from the tissue box to sometimes hit the garbage can as creativity was overtaking her.  I tend to relate to this scene each time I see the movie.

So many times, I would love to retreat and do the same, to allow my creativity to flow.  My life experiences in snippets only show up here through my own emotional battles.

Recognizing my emotions and naming the loss and sadness that I was feeling was the easy part.  Years ago, I did not know to do that so I have advanced in this turmoil, thanks to my counselor.  It is how to move forward and heal from it, I find hard.  So like Erica, I can wail, scream through my distress while FBF67FD9-262C-42D1-A50A-427B3497558Cwiping the tears as they flow.  That’s while although being alone in my office, I can let go somewhat.    Thank goodness, I have dark, tinted windows as I was an emotional mess while driving home safely.

Praying, Lord I need you to love me through this loss, this pain.ACEB5344-6FB1-417B-A354-0FAA1BF3D956

Knowing, too, I was tired from a long weekend and then a long day at work.  I needed a nap, which I took.  It is self-care to do such and we all need that, too.  It is not always laziness but to recharge what is depleted and my emotional tank was running on empty.

A2DCEFD4-F915-4E93-9CD3-96904D7E38CFGive yourself grace through these times, if you experience.  We can all be triggered in areas that have been a touchy area in our lives.  It is recognizing and feeling the pain to get through for further healing.  Don’t push it down and ignore because of the pain.  Preaching to myself, right here.  Even though this afternoon was rough, I am moving forward.  The struggle did not last as long even though it felt like it.  With that, I remembered my former counselor saying that to me, that it did not last as long.  My thoughts were, if you say so lady, although I knew she was right.  It’s not easy to go through the pain but worth it.  We’ve got this!  One day at a time.

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Line in the Sand

A72E248C-B0F6-4503-9306-84BA5BF15076While each of us are unique and different, which is a good thing or life would be boring, so are counselors in their sessions. With that being said, that also would be boring and definitely useless, if not.

Just recently while seeing my counselors, I have been observing more, such as their counseling techniques, office system/files with notes about me and their surroundings.  Somewhat, okay comparing my last one of four years to present ones.  While a lot deals with the OCD in my life and my organizational skills, one drives me insane. Do I say something or let it continue to make me question them. I believe I need to speak up or there will be a wall of distrust and chaos within. We have that right to do so, as clients, as there must be trust.

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I have had and a total of five counselors in my life. Each one was good in their field and just what I needed at the time and still. As a client, I also have a right to end counseling, which I did with my first one back many, many years ago.

At that time, I enrolled in a New Life Live, a Christian workshop for women. This weekend workshop was to help women understand and gain strength and healing due to issues in their marriage due to porn usage with their husbands and the betrayal felt. Maybe a one last-ditch effort to save their marriage and self-esteem which was slowly dying within myself.

As nine of of us women from all over the United States gathered in this small office area, it became evident we were all in a battle. I was amazed how many traveled the distance in order to survive.  Desperate housewives.

09321795-BA50-40AE-940A-E4196E4476B7Afterward, I was probably the closest in mileage, only forty-five miles away, I decided to start counseling sessions with the leader/counselor. I did, on a monthly basis, if not twice a month. Unsure if I really gained information to grow but at least I could talk freely and feel safe to talk. I had always kept my marriage problems silent to the point I was suffering. Shame. This workshop and counseling was my effort to take care of me, unknowingly because I thought it was more my marriage, that I now know.

After about a year, my husband was invited to join and reluctantly, he did. The first session, within minutes, sitting on her couch together but not touching, she asked him if he felt he needed anti-depressants. BAM, right out of the shoot. No doubt, I was shaking my head yes but if not, my mind was screaming, YES. This counselor has his number, so I thought.

Months went on with couples counseling, individual, etc. It was one session when she, the counselor said to me with him in the room, that any woman would love to have him. In my mind, it came a screeching halt and shock on my face, as in a movie scene. What? I knew at that point, I had lost the battle. He has won her over with his calm demeanor, his porn usage and lies. My self-esteem, confidence and desire to even exist became less than before. It’s all my fault, I am the bad wife, I caused his porn usage and continued heaping the negative thoughts.

As we went yet again and again, it was this one night that I had had enough. While I did not say anything, my shock and boundary came into play, it had to.  While discussing issues at hand and making himself look good with her, now I see he won her over more so and now she feels all motherly with him.  He speaks, saying, ‘I don’t love her and I don’t think I ever did.’  I just turned toward him and said, WOW! FA895C6C-FB8A-40F4-91D3-DC25E21DACBE

It was a long, quiet drive home filled with anger in the air.  Rightfully so. With that though, I found my voice, not in a screaming manner but authoritative. I am done. I will not make your appointments, do your laundry, cook for you (another story in itself), and whatever else. My focus was on our children from that point forward. He just could not figure out why I was so angered over that and threw it up in my face that I took it out of context. 800BDEF7-0FA3-48BC-AE93-2587C1A502E9Seriously?!? Just stab me in the back, I’d heal quicker. Those words should never be said to a wife.  Ever!

8CEF791D-3B26-491A-BAC7-7465D3F0A30FThe counselor on the other hand wanted to meet with me more, which I declined. Soon after, he left going to her, too. No push from me so he won’t; plus, he won.

He won alright, no real marriage. He can continue on with his selfish ways with porn, believing he is all that because the counselor said what she did to enforce his behavior.  I’m the bad one in this whole scenario and Satan played his games mentally with me.88e6b2cf-66aa-4544-8dee-66d3712a8abe.jpeg

Those were dark days and sadly years for me but… had it not been, I would not be where I am today. I learned that I was caring for me, even if I felt numb to life and was physically putting one foot in front of the other. I was setting boundaries, as I deserved more even while I battled negative thoughts that it was all my fault. Plus, courage to keep my head up and move forward when I would had rather died and be done with life. Through the mental torment, I had to trust the Lord but even then, I felt He did not love me either.  Unlovable.

Don’t give up, keep your focus and trust the Lord to carry you through the craziness of life. He knows your name and He knows where you are.  I had to fight, not physically but spiritually, mentally and emotionally.  9F612C2F-1B60-4EDB-9F23-3D203477A1A0

While my faith in a counselor wavered for some years due to that situation, I did not give up.  I picked up my big girl panties and found another, just for me.  I am better today and stronger emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually than ever due to help from great counselors and trusting the Lord.  My faith increased, as He was all I had to cling to in the midst of the battle.

The Lord will meet you where you are.  Trust Him. 💕7AEF5CAE-4893-4666-8CA6-716FB3CE222B

Winds Are Blowing

FB12F8C0-B7F0-4FA7-83ED-75D40CD61625As I listen to the winds blow outside for hours now, hearing creaks in this old house of mine, the clanging of my wind chimes, I am reminded of the winds that blow in our own lives.  With wind, there is no control, it’s going to blow and with each burst, in hopes the structures are able to sustain the force.

Many times through such storms, I have curled up in my chair listening to the force outside or feeling the force within me, wondering if either can stand through it all.  So many times I have thought or said, ‘Lord, calm the storm’ or ‘Peace. Be still.’

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Amazingly enough, we are stronger than we think we are.  Even if my house falls in the midst of the winds of the storm, He will be with me to rebuild.

It comes down to, for me anyway, that He will help me no matter what circumstances are before me.  I have to trust and have faith in that and mostly in Him.  I may struggle to get there for a bit… but I do.  As in most struggles and trials in life, the worst is when alone, at the midnight hour. ACEB5344-6FB1-417B-A354-0FAA1BF3D956

Lord, calm the chaotic winds within and around my very being so I can be a testimony of your faithfulness.

If you are facing storms in your own life, Trust Him. Easier said than done, I know, but He is our peace.

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Another Dead Box?

7A0A61F6-70A2-4336-B5CD-7C83579C9A26While I am not a hoarder, I do keep things; each matter in their own box, somewhat organized and stored in the eaves of my attic.

Through the years of dealing with the estates of my parents and brother, they each have their own box of what I wanted and needed to keep after their passing.  Sadly, this is all that is left of their life, a dead box of memories, keepsakes and possessions.  There is guilt that comes of that but you cannot keep everything, you have to let go.  I had to.

I tend to keep my notes, journals, calendars, etc., and have since a child, never knowing why I held onto them. They have proved to come in handy and really do not take up much room, just a few storage boxes, of my own life.

With mine, I had to dig deep within them this last bout with my counselor, back to my childhood.  With that, I learned a lot of what I had lacked as a child and how it has and is affecting me today.  Sometimes, I thought it would be easier to keep my head in the sand just knowing something was not right than poking at it, which we did, but deep down I wanted to understand me.

Putting names with areas of emotional distress (attachment, abandonment, trauma, shame, childhood emotional neglect, just to name a few) opens up areas I never knew before.  They are all real and felt.

As my counseling ended recently, there is an overwhelming feeling of many of those emotions being triggered.  To the point of wanting to run and put my head in the sand.  Perhaps like a test.

B2A81AF4-884E-42BC-AC09-C84360FA0F85Realizing before, I felt this way or that way but to now understand, have a name for what I am experiencing or feeling, I am thinking it has been harder.  I am aware and the intensity of the pain has been quite disturbing at times.  As I was exhibiting this or that and to my dismay, I recognized what was happening.  It’s a new way for me, to recognize, express, name and grasp to hopefully heal in these areas.

So through the pain, just the feeling of the abandonment being more intense, I could grasp that is what it was.  It was safe for me to cry and to give myself time to grieve and I will for awhile.  I can say, too, that I am angry with the way it ended, as I feel it could have been handled differently, basically more respectful, especially her knowing me.  That’s rough to say but truth.  Now leaving me with several questions that may never have answers.  Feeling all of these emotions, naming them is good but not easy.  It’s normal to grieve a relationship lost.

As much as this situation hurt, I feel I am coming through it easier just knowing and realizing what is happening, how it is affecting me and what I am doing.  Being mindful.  Tears come and they are also normal.

536CF7B6-D31E-4899-8895-5AAB8B9390F1While I have a storage box full from our years of counseling of notes, etc., it sits untouched right now but still in my sight, not stored.  There was too much invested in my life through her.  Some but not all healing in me is complete to put this box aside and ignore.  I know in time, I will and can still go through the many notes, copies of research done, open up and remember our sessions and still grasp many golden nuggets to continue for growth and healing.

F5B28577-7295-4887-B8A9-1575BBD83E09Maybe I need to name this box a Treasure Chest instead of another dead box because of the time spent in the many hours of counseling over four years. Even through the pain now, I’m thankful and feel blessed to have had her in my life. Everything within that box has brought me to where I am today and I believe it was orchestrated by God.