Pain – Just Pondering…

What If?

March 5, 2023ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

Make them stop! What if this. What if that. Just what if….

We never know the what if even though the question consume our mind at times. We deal with it and keep moving forward to figure it all out. Most of the time, the worry of what if was useless. We still do it.

Here I am facing surgery in less than two weeks. So much to do and prepare. Will I succeed in conquering everything, I wonder. It even comes to the point, if I do, great and if I don’t, oh well.

It’s crazy how our thoughts bombard our mind and place fear. Of course, surgery is serious and it is normal to feel anxiety and even fear. Even tonight, as my mind goes here and there, the BIG question, what if I die?

That also is a normal response. What if? Well, I realized there are things I need to get done or want to do and so on. It won’t matter. The constant ‘to do’ list in my daily life will not exist. I have to be honest, there was somewhat of a relief in that brief moment. It was a good thing, as fear left. It will not matter one little bit. Of course, others will need to take care of my leftovers but that’s normal, too.

So I get done what I can before surgery and what I don’t get finished or tended to, I will pick up after I am healed enough to do so and keep on enjoying life.

It’s nice to put the ‘what-ifs’ away. Worry adds nothing but additional stress.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

Unforeseen Circumstances

September 27, 2022ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

Last night I had many hours to view and think. Going to the emergency room is never delightful. Knowing time is going to be ate up with many hours of waiting. Waiting. Waiting to be triaged, called and tests done with results.

This was upon me. Seven days of pain was too much. I was over it. I had a choice of two hospitals to my liking. Lord, where am I to go? The one I chose, I found I was questioning my choice at five hour mark of waiting. It was a long night.

The place was packed. It was a Monday. Was it a full moon, I wondered but did not want to waste my cell phone battery? All these thoughts and wanting to just go home and suffer another night. Could I go another day? Already signed in, not knowing how the insurance would be affected. I stayed. I made a choice. Going forward.

Finding the right place to settle down was not easy, as I walked and looked. This is an ER, so the poor, pitiful looks was a lot to take in. I did find a place but a husband wife needed to sit together, so I was on the hunt again after I paced and felt a comfort location and sat down.

We were all sitting and waiting in our pod now. The occasional glance of each other, while we all watch the ER fill up non-stop. Sitting at the first pod, we saw it all. Amazing.

In time, one lady and I started talking, then another and another. Spending seven hours waiting, not afraid to talk and share, even though we each had an issue, we laughed and got to know each other in what time we had upon us.

Then one by one, we celebrated their name called to be seen. High-five moments. One guy was sharing his family photos of his beautiful family with me. The grandma, sitting with her ex-daughter-in-law, who brought her, was sharp as a whip and funny. That right there was perhaps the reason I chose this ER. The daughter-in-law, early on told me she divorced her son but kept his mom. Later, I had to ask her before leaving, if her and him are still friends and they are. My own situation, it can be done.

I left mid-point of our group saying our goodbyes, and I felt like I left nice people. Too bad we cannot reconnect in better circumstances. Still, we helped one another endure the dreaded time. I hope they sensed the same.

Sanded Away

May 9, 2020May 9, 2020ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

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A task I have been wanting to do for years but never enough time or desire to really attempt, I did. With this quarantine, I have had my ups and downs, but I am starting to enjoy being home. Working one day a week is not that bad, but I know once we are back in full swing, I will most likely be working overtime, so for now, I am enjoying my time, completing jobs on my to-do list and let’s not forget about those naps.

So the past two weeks or so, I have taken my solid oak kitchen table top and two oak end tables out to the driveway and garage to sand, in between other projects. I tend to start many projects at a time, so I have a mess in many rooms. I get bored with one, work on another or allow time for paint to dry, etc. Oftentimes wondering if I will get it all back together, but I do. I actually enjoy working with wood, remodeling, decorating, recovering chair cushions and all that HGTV has to offer. Just give me a sledgehammer or a tool, they do not intimidate me.

As I am sanding this much used and abused table, enjoying the breeze as it scoots the dust out away from me, I think of all the memories this old table has held. Thinking back of when we got it and the hutch to match, back in 1991. Where did the time go? My parents bought this for us, as a gift in our first home.

I remember going to the furniture store to pick it out, knowing it would last for a lifetime; and thirty-one years later, it has many more years to go and will after I am dead and gone. I love oak or any solid wood furniture. I know if my son and daughter-in-law get this later on, she will paint it, all of my work covered in a color. The girl loves to paint wood furniture but I guess it won’t matter to me, so paint on!

The dinners, holidays, the birthday parties, games, puzzles, crafts, and if my husband wasn’t caught, he used it as a work bench, which I frowned upon. Seriously? No! I think he is scared of me and if so, my job is complete.

Memories of the past brings a smile, as memories are priceless as I enjoyed the time sanding. One table down and two end tables to go. The end tables were my parent’s tables, which I inherited. I picked them out when we went shopping for furniture many, many years ago so I did good and they have been great tables.

As I sand, take a step back to see if I need to sand more, I think, we all have areas in our lives that need to be sanded to make the rough edges smooth or buff the dull, lifelessness away for something new. Sometimes not a pleasant experience. Or perhaps we know ourselves well enough that we are aware of areas that need attention and to prepare in order to meet goals in life. It’s the end result that matters, of what we make of the rough edges and areas that need attention.

In those times of sanding and buffing, hopefully we learn a lesson of what not to do, usually, or how to make better. If I could redo my life, of course, with what I know now, I definitely would change some things, a lot of things. What I have is today, to make my tomorrows better.

In myself, I started years ago, probably 2008, attempting but knocked down time and time again. In 2010, I made the decision to have weight-loss surgery to help my self-esteem and confidence come alive, which helped but I kept getting snagged in some rough places. Finally, in 2014, enough was enough and the buffing began in my life with counseling. This was not always comfortable but worth the end result of what I can see come about and hope for. I’m getting there!

Why did it take me so long to understand and why I do the things I do, think, feel? Now it is like I don’t have a lot of time left in life to enjoy, as my age increases, but I will to the best of my ability to reach toward the goals and trust the Lord through it all. as I have done. 80F6F564-6467-479B-9638-CDA147FC2414

Had it not been for this period of counseling, I really don’t know where I would be right now, except maybe isolated and severely depressed or perhaps not even here writing this blog. At times I am just in awe of the changes around me and within me and look forward to what is ahead. I have hope where there was none.

Sometimes we have to go through the sanding and the buffing to enjoy the beauty of a finished product. Hopefully saying, it was worth it all.

My finished product: