Wavelengths

BREAKER, BREAKER…

Come in please!

Anybody there?

Do you hear me?

BREAKER, BREAKER…

Hello?56D6CEAE-4603-4D56-A93B-C65078A46598

Okay, I am alone, nobody is there. No answer was received as I go forward on my own. Here I go! What’s new though, I am always going forward, always on my own. No difference now.

768295C3-BA54-45FC-A106-6A15B0FD2A10

This is exactly what it feels like in a not-so-normal marriage for one reason or another. Knowing that the frequency of wavelengths between us two, are with no hope in sight. No need for hope at this point. The ride in life is alone and has felt alone and always will be alone.3B1BBC5C-32F5-45F7-80E1-F2446D40BD41

To give you some direction, if on the same radio frequency, even though you are at a standstill but also as you move forward, at a slow pace. Keep going! No doubt at some point, you felt lost on your route in this relationship by trying all sorts of tricks and talks to re-route the trip together but to no avail.AAF4DB0B-2BA1-40B5-9869-DBE33F7DE9CE

As you come to the fork in the road, deciding which direction, you may have just stopped there not knowing what to do. Perhaps you started down one way and notice it was going nowhere. Realizing finally after much displeasure, discontentment and the death of a marriage, you recalculate and the u-turn was made.

Now as you venture new territory, caring for yourself and not feeling so alone, life begins to blossom just as the spring is upon us. There is hope and a flicker of joy for more. You can do this in many ways, just start.

While maintaining a neutral ride at this time, this is when you gain ground and strength within. Do some research, join support groups either on Facebook or in your community and at a church. Get familiar with what is available, such as counseling, for you to move forward and find the happiness you know you deserve. This is a map of where you want to go and desire, as life is not meant to be stuck in a rut, spinning your wheels and standing alone.A6D54C3A-4E21-48BF-AED8-702332840662It’s time to get a tuneup and be ready for more. You deserve more. If you have done all that you could do to rectify the issue and no answer received, over and over again, please encourage yourself and know your worth in order to keep moving forward.

E5728D49-73EB-424A-87CF-6E6F8620B0E1

BREAKER, BREAKER

Come in please!

Anybody there?

Somebody there to hear me, see me and love me?

BREAKER, BREAKER

I am here, I want to live and enjoy my life.

One day, I’ll be able to say OVER AND OUT

CA9A9994-4D0B-405D-8103-9001AFBB2BC7

Check out these resources: 

28B74C29-67E7-431C-8B66-09F22F907A37

BF2562B0-2E6E-439A-ACBA-94B3A358AAF6      E3A1CA3E-34C4-4CE6-9AE1-9FD20D76928F

E6BCAFDE-8C37-4CF2-96BB-8E7835C11D49

Most importantly, the Lord knows your name

and He knows where you are in your journey.  

Trust Him! 

 

Awaiting Joy

As I see him leave the house, there is a spring in my step. 09500753-B1DE-4490-9304-323F1F70B37EI’m ready to turn up my music, flow freely through my house, sing and sometimes dance if I so desire, the cleaning becomes fun, the sound of the vacuum is like a melody, the washer and dryer hum in the background. What a nice time enjoying my home without an energy, draining vampire lurking about.

D41A95B1-88F8-45AB-A2A4-182EE99F4314If I decide to write as I am doing now, the words flow freely and my mind is sharp. So much to do enjoying my time alone, knowing it is short lived so I cherish the moments, as it will soon end.

I don’t have to listen to his sighs and monotone voice with no joy present, as Aspergers is real and there is none to be found. I have had years to search and try to find and realize there is just none. I’m bored to tears and have been for years. I have so much to give in love and laughter but I’m done trying to go there with him. Only disappointment and sorrow swallows me up inside with nothing more to give.

58C2C074-F0A7-4E48-836D-A8E900EC6BE0Lord, there must be more, I have said so many times through the years and You heard the same today.  I have come so far and know the light at the end of the tunnel is near. I’m getting impatient so please hurry this along. My age is adding numbers and my strength is becoming less. There is so much I want to do in my time left. I want happiness, I want to feel joy, I just want to have fun and laugh until it hurts. I’m at an age I feel I’ve earned the best of what life has to offer, but I’m stuck and need a few more things to line up.191CD327-E696-451C-993B-40621140587B

Well, I need to get the clothes from the dryer and close up my freedom as soon he will be walking through the door once again. Turn the music off, put the vacuum away, gather my warm clothing to fold and put away, the singing and dancing goes on the shelf and boredom soon to develop.

Lord, there has to be more for me on this earth. I know you have had your Hand upon me and still, and I thank You with my whole heart.059D8E68-6532-4077-9F8A-928C6522D027

Life continues in this quiet house, non-existence of a relationship under one roof with no joy to be found except what I have in my heart and I know to wait.

 

B5DD2FC3-5D7F-465C-B965-CAD42646479F

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201305/the-unhappy-marriage-stay-or-go

If I Leave I’m Afraid I Will Dishonor God

 

Happily Ever After… Maybe?

599DECE4-BAF1-4330-904A-C9187687D567

A few years back I was asked if I thought all marriages were good ones, since I did not have one. I do try to look for the good and do try to think positive of marriages, as such, and of life. Although I am not in denial, there are many marriages struggling, as I know of many. Otherwise, it is not my business so unless you tell me or I see signs, I want to believe and wish the best for the couple(s), as in her own marriage.C1DE24B7-FA8F-46A9-A67F-050BD60EDFFF

The tone in the way she asked her question to me, I had to think that this hit a nerve and perhaps things were a little dicey at home. I don’t know and again, it was none of my business. I knew she would not tell me anyway but her comment and tone did raise my eyebrow and make me hesitate and to wonder.

0BB61D78-4519-4D5E-B1AF-C8894AEC6E87Today, I talked with a friend about his month-long stay in Florida with his wife and how much fun they had together. They have been married a good forty-five years, maybe longer, which is pretty cool. He mentioned that on their drive back home, a long twelve-hour drive, they stopped several times, of course, but he said they sang a lot. How sweet, I thought. I just love this couple and to see them enjoying retirement together. Do I know they get frustrated with one another? Yes. Normal. Still, he calls her Honey and tells her he loves her and they seem so 9D65F1B6-A2B7-45A8-B702-62EB1F741048sweet together. I love that in them and so wish I had that. So I do think the good of them and in most couples.

As he told me of their singing, thinking of their marriage, I had to stop and wonder just what that would be like. I don’t want to be jealous or envious of his or other relationships, but I do desire to have such a sweet, caring, loving and fun relationship. Normal. Any woman or man would want this to share their life with together.

Happily ever after is not a fairy tale—it’s a choice.
Fawn Weaver

9207A501-8B38-4110-8C27-B3AA7331A468

Sometimes as I sit in restaurants, I look around and watch couples. Perhaps observing others just like mine, helping me to feel not so alone in this situation and the hopelessness felt. Maybe getting lost in their time together in order to forget mine.DB8B8D81-5662-421B-A79F-A42FE023733F

It takes two to make the marriage work. When one is doing all the work, it is easy to give up after awhile. When the emotional connection is lost, it causes a sad, lonely existence in the relationship. Usually at this point, one or the other is just done.

AB314B86-A177-4DC3-9EC1-F71CD415B396Depending upon the circumstances, there could still be hope in making it all work and enjoying life together.

Marriage is to be with your best friend and enjoy life in all areas of life. Knowing full well that frustrations come, disappointments, etc., but if the two work together, they can walk hand in hand together no matter what comes their way.

So yes, I do think positive of marriage relationships and feel they do exist, which brings happiness. I have hope.

D7376190-77AB-4274-9838-EA7A5D677C39

 

70945A56-A619-4436-84EF-60A409279F2A

 

75C59943-EA60-4F60-92C1-AD50F0477498

4A5009C5-A793-4A7C-A75F-B9B439261AC3

My Achy Breaky Heart

EE333D73-EDCD-4FE8-82B0-DCA046E78CC9We have all heard the song, Achy Breaky Heart, at some point in our life. Honestly, I did not like that song then and the title is only being used as it fits my story.

The other night as I watched Grey’s Anatomy, they said that this man had a broken heart syndrome, which caught my attention. With that I remembered back way many years ago when I was in the hospital for some reason. That is how long ago it was, as I cannot remember what was medically happening then.

Odds are though, it was between 2000 and 2008. I was dealing with too much on my plate and my marriage was 4B04D047-69D5-4F75-954F-1B024D4278F1lost and suffering in the midst. Many health and psychology articles mention if stress, anger and emotional turmoil within is not dealt with, physical ailments result. Bingo! I had been experiencing a pain in my heart for awhile but could never express to the nurses or doctors of the nagging pain that was continuous, tests were negative which of course brought fear, even more into my life because the pain remained. B5BE4975-3774-4DFE-B789-B0ED1FD2EB74

As I was in the hospital bed, the nurse was checking my vitals and asking me questions about the pain and sadly I said to her that I think I just have a broken heart. In my mind, that was truth, it was that bad in my life. Being a patient in the hospital was never a problem for me, even though sleep is interrupted often but to me it was a respite for me from my own home. How sad is that?

I knew as a patient, they would care for me.  I did not need to care for anyone. The medical field was always an interest anyway but time away, an excused absence from my life, was welcomed when it did happen.

Here it has been so many years of me feeling and saying of my broken heart that it is actually a real thing. I was not wrong to tell that nurse my heart was broken, because it was. Whether it was broken heart syndrome or not, I do have proof that I had a stroke in 2007. No doubt that was stress related and odds are an end result of it all combined.

2E273A6E-EA5B-488C-9577-C6CD8DBC438FThrough the years of dealing with such, I have learned to deal with and take care of myself and to heal the ache. While some of those times were building walls so that it would never happen again, from anyone, that is not good either. Life happens and we will be hurt and I have been. I recognize that sometimes these overwhelming times of distraught made me stronger. I made it through the last time, I can make it through this time, being resilient. I had to be.4C56003D-ACEB-4FAE-A4DD-95B1332ED944

Having my former counselor in 2014 for four years, I learned to acknowledge the hurt, notice where I felt the symptoms in my body, feel the feelings, name it, etc. while that helped and helps now, I believe most importantly pray for forgiveness of the one hurting you, which will release and bring the wall down that was readily to go up instantly. Not necessarily for them but for yourself.3BA54066-7984-4EE7-95F9-B7B466CBE294

We will all be hurt at some point and in different areas and also we must acknowledge that we will hurt others, too. It is life and how the world goes around.  Perhaps not meaning to be hurt or cause hurt but it happens.

Thankfully we have a Heavenly Father that knows all about us. He sees us as in pain from the hurt. He knew we built walls around us determined never to be done that way again. He sees and collects all of our tears, many times 7B5662BA-B0A6-4FF3-93AD-B3C3E7156E88thinking He has gallon jugs of my tears. He knows that we had or have unforgiveness in our heart. Still, He loves us. He patiently allows us to wallow in our despair and agony, kick and scream and act like brats at times. We are His children and He loves us. In time though, for complete joy, peace and happiness in life, we must turn to Him. God, I need you! He is right there waiting on us to call upon Him.

F62E596F-67B5-4A8D-A08D-28FE1B22AB14Only God can heal my broken heart and He has many times. The pain eases and I can trust Him that through it ALL, He knows me, He loves me. Same with you. We all will have times where it seems hopeless. Whatever or whomever has hurt you, causing pain in your life, turn it over and allow Him to heal your broken heart or pieces within. Trust Him!

1792A62E-9812-41B4-A7E0-53B616419FE4

396D33B0-A8EC-4B0B-AC94-C2B9C47605C3

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/two-takes-depression/201102/broken-heart-syndrome

https://www.crosswalk.com/devotionals/your-daily-prayer/a-prayer-for-when-your-overwhelmed-heart-aches-for-his-overwhelming-peace-your-daily-prayer-december-27-2016.html

A Slap of Shame

While driving to work the other day, my mind was busy just thinking of this or that, what to do once there, thoughts of what recently happened, etc., as normal.

Apparently, there was a song that came on to trigger a memory but what it was, I do not know now. What I do remember is how I had to deal with this periodEC3DC5C1-9754-4D5C-B8F1-0E6F3B56699B of driving and stopping at traffic lights as I made my way toward the office.

My oldest son, years ago, was working in Tennessee and was five hours away. This was way too far I loved the location, it was beautiful and he had a nice apartment. This time in his life, he definitely matured and had to deal with matters on his own because his parents were not near and he did it, I was so proud of him. Thankfully, he was back the next school year in Kentucky. This mama was happy.  Letting go is not always easy, as most moms can attest.

A70136AA-0AB2-439A-90CC-323FD8543761It was in the winter that year especially, that his distance from home I found more depressing for me. Those Christmas songs that start way too early did not help matters. The song, “I’ll Be Home For Christmas” was the worst, or perhaps it was and is the best. I could not get through it without crying and even remembering that still while sitting at a stop light, I felt those tears well up ready to flow down my face.

This past Christmas, my oldest son and his wife were in Florida visiting her family. I adjusted very well, as I knew that was only right to share them. It was when my youngest son decided not to come home for Christmas. Although, the day before, he told me he would be on time for dinner and seemed excited and, of course, I was so happy that he would be home for Christmas. My son is coming home.

820DD634-4A6F-4958-A127-BAE882DD21A4

On Christmas Day others were late arriving, which is typical in this family but it got be very late and my son still was not present or had we heard from him. Of course, concern was trickling within my mind while I was hosting Christmas for my husband’s family. I want my son. I want him here, he is my son, he is my family. Where is he? The questions turned into worry as the time passed.

Finally, we heard from him. Oh to be young and carefree, with a sleep schedule that is all over the place. He overslept so now he has no interest to come home. Seriously?!?  My heart dropped and I was so hurt. I wanted to just sit down and bawl my eyes out. There was no way that I could keep a straight face of how that affected me and I really did not care. While I did not cry, I DF6007CA-2358-4586-B112-0F22CB8BDE3Fdid express to his father that I was not happy of his decision and they all heard me. How could they not know that? I think they heard my heart drop. I was just done. In my mind screaming, just everybody go home, as I want to fall apart and now anger was becoming a part of my emotional turmoil.

Normally, if and when hurt or in this predicament, I would just escape within myself and become quiet, not mentioning my hurt or show emotions. I wore a mask very well through the years and I could have won an Oscar. Thankfully, I am not the same person so I was not going to crawl into a shell. I did express my displeasure calmly. While I did not cry, I had to walk through the house, taking our grand dog that we were watching outside because he needed fresh air. Right? It helped the dog (and me) because when mama is not happy, nobody is happy, which was now a joke somewhat, when I returned, but true. The day continued and was fine although I had AFD3135B-1C35-4C74-8C01-BE1AB96B7E25neither of my sons at home, there was a void on Christmas.

Everyone is gone, what food was not taken by others is now all put away and dishes are done. It’s amazing how quick clean up can be done if upset. I was ahead of the game and I was ready to settle in for a long winter’s nap.

Forget the nap, my son appeared finally. The atmosphere in our living room was a little cold with our visit, at first. I knew he was uncomfortable, as I was and upset. We were all uncomfortable. He is an adult and even when younger and at home, rarely had we had such moments.  Maybe we should have had them.

Finally, the atmosphere was easing. I love my son and I know he loves me. I understand being young and doing such careless things, I really do.  Maybe, I wondered, if this was a payback to me of wrongs I did to my parent. The karma phrase many use, what goes around comes around, although that can be in bad or good but many see it as bad and want the worst, which is a whole other writing. 55D68B9F-327F-4219-BF0D-FD90DE0ADA20

Anyway, after his father went off to bed, my son and I talked. I expressed my hurt calmly and that I felt it was disrespectful of him to do this, especially on Christmas. This was not just for me but his grandparents and whole family, it is a time for all of us to be together. I wanted and needed my son at home. Knowing, too, this might be the last Christmas with the grandparents due to health issues. Also, one day he will regret the decision he made when I am gone, too, wishing he had more time with his mother.

Now that was all over, the new year is upon us and our relationship carries on and while helping him this past weekend at his new house, we had fun. Perhaps, that period and discussion brought us somewhat closer than before. He got to see his mom cry and hear the hurt of my heart, probably something that a son does not want. I was being real.4CDF2457-50F1-48D3-8846-EA6CCCF8B46C

As I mentioned before, and when they were young and at home, I wore a mask even with them, pretending that our home was a happy one between their father and myself. The mask is off more than on nowadays. I am better and happier, as it is quite nice taking care of me for once instead of hiding the sadness.

Now, with all that, while at the stop light, fighting back the tears as I could hear the song in my mind, “I’ll Be Home For Christmas,” a battle began.

It was a period of feeling like a no-good-for-nothing mother, I was wrong to express my feelings to him, he was going to pull away and never come home and that I was worthless and… WOW!!!

I caught all that and felt like25053267-F9F6-47CB-B438-38F24FA2119A a slap of shame was hitting me on one cheek and then the other and back again to make me crawl back into my hole of despair, feeling like a loser. NO, I WILL NOT!!!

All those years in counseling paid off at that point, as I could turn those negative lies around because I knew this was shame being hurled at me. I am a good mother, I have been a good mother and I always will be a good mother to my boys.

I believe that my boys and my husband and others have noticed that I am not the same person, but better. I can be direct and calm if I need to, in respect instead of hiding and them wondering if they need to walk on eggshells. I am not worthless, I am worthy to be their mother. The slap of shame had to stop.4E64CA34-5C75-4730-AD6B-4EF93158684D

Shame can and will erode any and all positive attributes in each of us. It makes us feel less than and the enemy will make sure we take that as a hook line and sinker so that we will not be all that we can be and have joy.

FEDBD51B-3170-40F7-8680-2F217B2EEBE9It felt great to know that I could acknowledge the shame and how I felt slapped from one traffic light to another. Once I grasped what was happening, turning these negative thoughts around. I was told and taught in counseling many times as we discussed such scenarios, the rewiring our brain, etc.  All of which sounded far-fetched, honestly for a long time, but I got it and I did it.

Shame, you are not going to slap me around anymore, not if I can help it.

A3A37428-760E-4795-AC06-4F63CAE79C2F

Shame is an unpleasant self-conscious emotion typically associated with a negative evaluation of the self, withdrawal motivations, and feelings of distress, exposure, mistrust, powerlessness, and worthlessness.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/intense-emotions-and-strong-feelings/201104/shame-concealed-contagious-and-dangerous-emotion

https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/shame

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/neuroplasticity

A Clowder of Cats

93904230-7A5F-4483-BE63-F4E4BC56D453Throughout my lifetime, I have always had a cat or a bird. Animals are just nice to have and to love, they love you back.

My first cat was when I was four or five, I remember tending to her and she would listen to me. I would put clothes on her, cut her whiskers and wait for my return if I had to leave the 44F67DE4-49DF-4EAE-9DAF-035908FAC08Eroom. We called her Mama Cat. Yes, I know now that you should never cut their whiskers but at that age, I did not know and apparently those around me did not either. Plus, Mama Cat did not care what I did, she loved me and I loved her.

Off and on, a bird would be part of the family, usually a mean parakeet, we just tolerated them and enjoyed its singing.

36C35A63-654B-45B2-9FC0-04F622F8B76CI brought a cat home when I still lived with my parents after graduation, which did not go over well. In time, that cat won them over and was spoiled rotten by them and kept them busy and happy. This old cat was named Tom. He kept to himself and would lay at my mom’s feet when she was alive.

Before her passing, there was an old dark, gray stray cat that showed up as did others and mom would tend to them all in the garage, definitely the cat lady. Mom would 689E0040-1D3D-431C-B23F-9AF83BC3F8A0have boxes stacked with bedding for each one, it was quite a sight. I think every cat in our small town knew my mom, as she would feed them and provided warmth. As family and friends would visit, each just shook their head in disbelief while observing the garage of cat condo units but knowing, too, she was happy to do this for them, all of them.

Years later, my father was nearing death while my sister and I cared for him at home. The old Tom cat was still alive at the age of twenty two, He was a little slow but he stayed around for my dad, I feel. The night before my dad passed away, the old Tom cat went downstairs, usually he did not do that. At his age and an ailing leg, he ran up Animal (dog, cat) paw printsthose steps like he saw a ghost. Somebody mentioned that he saw my mom as she was there for dad.  Interesting to consider because it was definitely odd. Then, the old gray stray cat that we called Mama would show her face now and then but had been missing for weeks, if not longer. As you can tell, we do not go crazy with pet names, we use either Tom or Mama. It just works!

6EB9F647-1B57-4060-8F30-088C61E26F8B
Anyway, Mama came in the house that beautiful Saturday morning and she went under my dad’s hospital bed, sitting at the foot of it. Tom was also under his bed, sitting toward the head of the bed. I woke my sister up and told her it was time. How I knew that, I am not for sure except the Lord making me aware, as I was his main caregiver. My sister and I were on each side of the bed with our dad, as he passed. The stray cat, Mama, howled loudly and then left the house, we never saw her again. Tom died just a month or so after my dad. Animals are so in tune with us more than we know.

A8397AA3-BE3C-4F46-BA48-D37195F36D55Now nineteen years later, this past May, we lost our sixteen year old, beautiful Golden Chow dog. We have two indoor cats and they also are getting up in age. In our neighborhood, and for years, there has been a stray cat that looks just my parent’s cat, which was a male and orange in color, so we named it what else, Tom. How could I not care for it? Now realizing I am becoming my mother, the cat lady.

Also, there was a beautiful white stray cat with very little color on her body but her tail is black and brown and she has the softest fur.  We always called her Mama, of course, as she had liter after liter and would come to our door on the deck for food. The neighbors that owned her did not care for her properly or the many liters of kittens. Sad. They moved and just left her this past spring, so my husband and I claimed her. Thankfully.7059C756-3216-4DDD-8108-4A8E6215AD0F

Although, in April she had a liter but we did not know where. I would talk to her and ask where her babies were. Animals listen and understand us, I believe.  Still she would eat and leave. On May 5th, we had our sweet dog put down due to Cancer returning with a vengeance. Our hearts were A34EF6F5-0BA5-4720-85F8-9E47CD1A1137broken with this decision. While trying to capture more photos of her, I took some ‘last’ photos the morning of this dreaded task. I swear she looked at me with those brown eyes as in saying, No More! I told her no more, I promise.  I had never had a dog before but this one was the best and we sure miss her.

So, on a lighter note, four days after our dog passed, we came home from work and here Mama cat and her three babies were in our garage, she brought them through the doggy door. It was perfect timing, to help us through the grief and to keep us busy with the three, four-week old kittens, which was new, unfamiliar to us. 624D3A57-320D-4B68-8915-0614E74FE6C0

Crazy enough, that same day at work, a sweet lady who was just diagnosed with breast cancer, knowing the kittens were born but location unknown, talked with me. I was reminded that she wanted a black cat. Now the Mama cat was mostly white and the odds were slim I told her. Believe it or not, one of the three kittens was a black one. Amazing! Talk about being thrilled is an understatement, not only of the black cat for my co-worker but that Mama cat knew I/we needed them after the passing of our dog, which helped us both immensely in the grieving.8C71D5B3-664E-407B-9C66-7A7172C5F9FE

Now, eight months later, these cats are all fixed and think they own our home. Just no more kittens! After years of Mama having so many liters, she was able to care for her kittens and it was a delight to watch how she interacted with them and protected them, still. Of course, my co-worker has the black cat and has helped her, too, while going through cancer treatments. Isn’t it interesting, that these animals had a part in helping each one of us through the years?

I looked at one the other night while I was in the kitchen and said, I cannot believe I/we have all of these cats. Yikes! I had never had over two cats at a time but now six, four of which are inside/outside cats. What is odd, too, is that they come in at bedtime and they all sleep through the night, we have had no issues of them knocking things over, jumping, etc., and then they go out for the day in the morning. So far, so good.

191A4DE0-308F-4BC0-9A03-91AE098EF1CBAnimals love us when nobody else does, calms our anxious mind and brings joy when there is none. They are worth every penny, the time invested and care so I guess we are stuck with them. Just NO MORE!

9CCDB4C0-E840-4DBA-A99E-502AFC701D61

 

DID YOU KNOW?                                                https://www.todayifoundout.com/index.php/2011/07/a-group-of-cats-is-called-a-clowder/

 

 

Do You Love Me, Really Love Me?

Sometimes in life I have often wondered if I was and have been truly loved.  As I sat in my counselor’s office, now E3F1B75D-1193-45B8-BB68-2E95FFD9DF51many years ago, I can still see her and hear her talk and help me understand what shame was and the unworthiness I had felt throughout my life that I had expressed to her. Simple words, yet I never connected them to make sense and tie it all together of how they affected me. Shame carries a boatload of issues.

177B77B0-0BDF-4CF0-B115-61270671FA07With me not understanding at first and for a bit honestly, I probably was looking at her as a deer in the headlights.  Then to say and ask me if I felt I was unlovable. Again, I never put a word (or words) to my feelings. These are just a few examples. Everything was starting to click. It was not her putting thoughts and words into my head of such but unraveling the chaos within and turning on a light for me to see and understand why my childhood and adult years that I have always questioned. Am I loved? Am I special to anyone? Does anyone really 8C3A11B6-498F-424A-9F7C-DCBCBF57BBC1love me? The BIG one was crying and screaming within, Please Hug Me! Even with that, I could not understand why.

In those thoughts and all the other thoughts in question that I was unsure about, I came many times to the realization that I am not loved really, I am just existing. Then, to wonder how I could even love myself. With all that, the enemy made sure I knew that it was me, something is wrong with me, again all shame based, toxic shame.

To grow up with no love shown, no hugs, no verbal words of ‘I Love You’ said, only in written form on a birthday or Christmas card with money and that only being, Love You. Where is the “I” at in those written words? Maybe the “I” missing reflected that they really did not love me, it is just expected being a family member, a daughter. Even as a small child I pondered a lot of deep things like that, like reading between the lines, observing any signs, questioning them and myself.  Perhaps I am not loved because it sure was not evident. I just existed.

0D39074B-6BEB-411F-A4B8-5B9A11ED2969Life goes on and still in the back of my mind, I often wondered what is wrong with me. It’s me, all me and I am a nobody basically. Oftentimes questioning why was I even born and in that I felt like an oops baby and no doubt I was, coming seven years after my sister. Existence in a chaotic world in my chaotic mind. My mind screaming, please hug me over and over again yearning for love, a mother’s love.

To be married, I thought this was it, my one chance that I would be truly loved. Having babies was a dream come true. As a mother, I wanted more for them as most mothers do. I knew deep down that closeness, face-to-face interaction was important and they had my full attention, always welcomed to be in my lap, definitely made sure I said ‘I Love You’ often, and I had happy, smiling boys, all the things I did not get. There was no hesitation in love or doubt of encouragement and support and they still have that from me, they always will.

It was my marriage that changed. Again, I went through the loops of it was my fault, I am unlovable, I am a terrible wife and the shame that I took on myself got quite heavy. As the old saying goes, if I knew then what I know now, things would be different. I took on the shame while he lived in denial. Again, existence.

With my previous counselor and the one now, hearing and understanding what my childhood was like, my BA3E5470-2B67-434B-B625-C9737E3D7853marriage and that shame latched onto me like a bloodsucking insect, they both have said and found it interesting that as a child and even in this marriage, the same, I just existed with no love. Yes. I just exist, again wondering if anyone really loved me. To second guess love is never good; as you doubt them, you doubt yourself and you doubt anyone expressing love, afraid also that it is not real. A wall of protection is built to keep me safe from the hurt although it hurts me more because of the isolation I placed myself in. Abandonment is all around.

To know you are a family member or wife but not shown love, you just exist and expect that love is present, is disheartening. Shame still exists of which I have to fight through, now the wall. Just writing this, I have had to wonder and push through the thoughts that it is me, again wondering what is wrong with me. Knowing now, the enemy is trying to hold be back with such, just as he did in my past. I am not taking those lies, they have been exposed.4B813433-8E42-46E5-8144-699FAFAB5E8C

We all have issues and we all come from different backgrounds and upbringing. My parents did the best they could with all of us children and responsibilities in life. In the lack of love expressed, I starved for it from others. I now understand through my counseling, that it was my coping mechanism that kicked in to receive love. I latched onto just a few, sincere mother figures that cared, made me feel special to them and would hug me. I needed those hugs to give me a sliver of hope.

While in counseling years ago and for many years, I understand moreso today that transference was in the midst, which is normal to build trust between us and for me to feel safe with her. I knew she cared and understood me, which was life changing to help me understand my past, deal with the present and have a better future, not just of not receiving love needed but in so many ways, of understanding myself. A light was turned on for me to deal with and heal a lot of the hidden hurts within. I remember asking her several times throughout or times in sessions, if I was special to her and, of course, she said yes, which helped me, as I needed that from her to continue. The childhood emotional neglect now 6FFE1D65-9FA1-482A-A0C0-DA3F7817BB50understood, too, caused me to doubt her words and she knew that, but I could be open with her and ask. My mind screaming, PLEASE HUG ME, became evident to her as my eyes was a telltale sign and of my shallow breathing in panic felt. We were able to walk through those moments in session together. Priceless! Somebody understood me, finally. Someone cared enough for me to make sense and unravel years of chaos I felt. Many times before leaving, receiving a hug from her. Some question whether a counselor should hug a client. In my case, YES, as she was wise enough to know, feel my hurt and lack of love within me.  Thank God she took the time to help me understand myself and why I struggled. Today, I do not yearn for those motherly hugs I so missed and craved all of my life. Understanding, brings healing.

0393888E-601E-443E-8002-E8FFAE753C51Knowing that God loved me throughout life, I even doubted Him, which is a normal response of such neglect. My relationship with Him has deepened through all of this, knowing He does in fact love me. He is my Father. He is my Husband. He is my ALL and I know without a doubt that I can trust Him to fill the void of love and move through daily life not searching or yearning for love. 6E86E103-29CD-4DCF-BAC0-6A032B681D54LIFE! JOY! PEACE! He handpicked that counselor just for me, I have no doubt, because even in my older years, He still has a plan and a purpose for me.

483DB30B-BA9C-4F37-B720-5D43BB711180He knew me in my childhood, in my adult years and now, today. He wants more for me than to yearn for love and to just exist, but to know deep down that I am loved by Him, if nobody else.

Just as He gives us grace, I believe I am to give grace to those that failed me of love not received, perhaps not knowing any better. Also giving myself grace to accept that I am lovable, I am worthy and I am loved. God Loves ME. ❤️DB593836-0F32-4E8C-9E94-657D58C32694

Perhaps someone reading of my life, feeling unloved, will be touched and know that you are not alone. Just to know you are not alone as such in this case, brings peace and normalcy within, realizing somebody else dealt with the same and the shame attached to it has to go. Know that you are loved, you are worthy.

God Loves You! ❤️ Trust Him.

FC8D951F-16F3-40CE-A4A7-9723ECCC31EF