Once again my heart feels broken. Why, oh why do I let myself care and feel for others to know that this again will happen? I expect way too much for someone else to care for me as much as I care for them.
Each time my heart breaks off another chunk to where there will be no more to give. The pain brings sadness to the point of not caring anymore, to become dead inside, once more.
It won’t last forever, as I will be here again, I have a big heart although damaged beyond repair. Thankfully, I know the One who helps me when I feel I cannot take no more.
Being one that deals with abandonment through life, the panic grows within, when felt forgotten. The torment that exists for those that deal with this is horrifying.
It is like trying to balance the thoughts like a seesaw going up and down, sometimes with a heavy thud on the ground, that you see on a playground, but knowing it will be okay. I know I will get through this but the down side is fear, I’ll lose it. Panic builds although I try to contain but the tears emerge and flow down my face wondering have I really been forgotten.
There is anticipation of a call or text but also fear of that, too. Either way, the panic has pushed all the buttons to cause an emotional outburst internally and externally. Unsure what to do or even say if or when that call or text is received. Numb. Basically freeze, which is typical of childhood emotional neglect.
Sadly, I’ve been through this so much in life, I know how to deal with it but it does not make it easy. My heart breaks a little more through the pain.
You take one day at a time When that is too much, you take an hour at time, sometimes minutes.
The only hope is the Lord. I know He will NEVER leave me or forsake me. My head knows and truly believe that I have faith enough to grasp this promise but my heart doubts it.
Today as I wondered why a normal, daily post from a friend was not showing on Facebook, I wondered and became worried about her and thoughts of what is wrong. Where are you? Dealing with abandonment issues in life, I sensed panic within and thoughts start bombarding my mind
Trying to remain calm, I still feel the anxiousness and feel the aloneness. Surely, there is a good reason but I could not grasp.
It was not until I was at a stop light later after work with this still tossing in my mind and I pulled up her group page. There she is, and in fact two posts, one being a video. She was there all along.
After feeling so stupid for the panic I put myself in throughout the day, I realized that this is just like we do in life at times and carrying all our troubles alone. Sometimes feeling hopeless. Lost, alone and not knowing what to do or where to go.
We are not alone. God is with us all the time and there is no need to feel abandoned, afraid, etc. Our settings in life just get turned off and we feel we can handle everything without Him. Works for awhile but life is better with Him and He’s been there all the time, which brings peace. Just like finding my friend. I had to change my settings.
Years upon years when I felt the sadness of a loss, thoughts of a loss or fear of losing someone, a feeling of heat to almost moreso a frozen flush would commence on the inside of my chest and flow downward. Like flowing over my heart, the heartache and sadness from deep within.
The thought of loss at the moment of sadness, immediately the flush begins and ends, within seconds. The sensation is horrifying to be honest, which brings on added anxiety of panic.
Perhaps due to childhood emotional neglect, trauma and feelings of abandonment through life has not helped. As I research and recognize this within my body, feeling sadness at the time, it is so bothersome.
How do you tell or explain such a thing happening as I am and have experienced? Is it normal? I don’t know. Just pondering this and welcome feedback if you ever experience this.