As I was driving home on this cold, gloomy day from work, my mind travels, too. Perhaps it was the gloominess and being tired from work, but I started thinking of someone that I miss. We all have those moments that somebody pops in our minds. While it is good to make contact to hopefully let them know they were thought of or even encourage, in my case I cannot do that. I know not to cross the boundary and put myself in a place of emotional pain of possibly not being received and feel rejected. Still, my mind thinks about her, my former counselor. I find myself frustrated with myself because I think of her but feel I have been forgotten by her, and perhaps I have, as our time together is over. Spending my time in sessions with her for four years, once a week, which amounts to at least two-hundred hours, is a lot. While my living grief is better, it is still there. I do miss her, but I believe that is normal.
Being one to always look up to others in my life, either as a role model, such as a teacher, or a motherly image because of not having a loving mother that I needed, today it reminded me that I still do this somewhat and I so want to stop this pattern. Keeping the Lord as my focus is my goal.
As I continued to drive, thinking, talking and praying, I know those that are as role models, and they are smarter than me. Each one has helped me move forward in life, as she did. With her or others I looked up to by them having a degree and being in their position. They helped me grow and for that, I will be forever grateful. I just tend to think others are better, smarter, prettier, wiser, etc., than me and I pop them up on a pedestal. All the while knowing I have talents and abilities. What does that say about me? It says and I have believed that I am nothing and never will be as good as them.
As I have pondered this, and I have done so many times, knowing I do this, but today I was able to turn my thoughts around of her and missing my time of our counseling sessions. Perhaps, with this being Monday, the day and time period driving was when I always met with her for years, which was one of the reasons. I am still in that appointment-zone mindset, I guess.
It was when I changed my thinking, rewiring my brain, as she mentioned quite often to help me to grasp. I started with tapping safely while driving, which is a pretty neat technique. So I did that, just because, and to change my thoughts. Grief brings sadness and I did not want to go there, I wanted to feel thankful and happy instead. I can do that.
I started saying, I am worthy, over and over and then adding I am creative, I am smart, and I know the Lord is doing a work in my life. It was when I got to and repeated, God you love her but you also love me, the same… no more or no less.
So, as I tinkered with this blog, pondering the whole situation, it comes down to shame. Shame of feeling not good enough yet again in my life of which she made me aware of back then.
Understanding ourselves of why we did and do things, brings healing. I/we may not have it all together at times but as they say, together we have it all. We just need to recognize and accept who we are.
Remembering and keeping the ground level for each of us because He loves each one of us as if we are the only one. How cool is that?!? Trust Him!