The memories and thoughts that surfaced in a conversation between my counselor and I were some I would have rather forgotten. Still, they are part of my journey and knowing they always will be. As I squinched my eyes, shaking my head somewhat of trying to remember but not wanting to remember also, all the while. Regrets of those days being young and stupid. Odds are, we all have those remembrances and regrets. Please tell me I am not alone.
Some of these thoughts and memories spoken in our conversation were like thirty-five years ago or more. Of course, some were not even touched upon thankfully but my mind did and a dread was felt within at the time in session, afterward on my drive home and as I write.
In those thoughts and the heaped-up guilt and shame made their appearances to me. Guilt and shame love me and would love to swallow me up whole, spit me out and do it again. Satan has a way of making one feel so unworthy and so underserving of God’s Love. The lies thrown at me were like darts to a dartboard for a bit of being a no-good-for nothing person on the face of this earth and I should be ashamed of what I did back then, I am not a Christian as I profess, no wonder my family disliked me and well, you get the picture.
Thankfully, I knew enough of his tactics and how the game goes of making me want to crawl back into the hole of despair and depression. I do have a few years under my belt of this mental torment plus years of counseling in how to counteract the negative, which I did.
I am stronger today in all areas, as I chose to be in order to move forward. I was stuck way too long dealing with the belief of the unworthiness. Exactly, where the enemy wants me, and even you.
Yes, I did some things I regret and am sorry I did and hate that I did, but I did. Life! Forgiveness of others involved is important but also forgiving ourselves is a must. We learn from such incidents and situations hopefully and in my case, I did. Not a life I wanted to live but in those years I learned that it was not really living, it was running. Running from God. I knew better and I knew He had His Hand upon me from childhood. Even though I was not taught of God’s Love at home, apparently the Vacation Bible School teaching each summer stuck with me plus the many Christians in my path to lead and direct me. So thankful and blessed.
We are all non-deserving of God’s Love but He gives it freely. He gave His all, His life for us to live. So in that, I know that I am worthy and I am worthy of His Love, you also. It took me a very long time to accept that deep within.
Yes, the past memories and thoughts that were mentioned caused some turmoil within but it also brought me to a place of praise. I am not there anymore and I have been forgiven. Trust Him.
“Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” Isaiah 43:18-19.