The title probably looks like one counselor talking to another counselor.
It’s that I am trying to make a decision to move onto another counselor. I do not really want to but feel I need some assistance to get over the last one. How crazy it is that I need one to get over the last one. Will this be a vicious cycle? Lord, I hope not.
Due to a medical leave of absence, my last one left her
practice for a bit although leaving me with the impression maybe forever. It ended way too quick. Too many unanswered questions and left feeling abandoned. I have no doubt that she knows that this would affect me but I also she needs to care for herself with whatever is wrong. Perhaps I pushed her over the edge. Yikes! I certainly hope not.
Being in her position, it can take its toll on ones own emotional well being. Knowing that the extensive training required, her own counseling, regulating self-care herself, she is only human. I don’t think I could listen to heartache after heartache and not be affected.
With this change, many emotions are on the table along with the many tears that have fallen. The lost child within me searches and feels so unstable at times. I know it is happening but I freeze in despair. I had a moment yesterday that just about pulled me under.
So many times through the years, we discussed recognizing the symptoms of how my body feels and reacts and that my breathing almost stops. I used to hate when she would ask me questions, of what I was feeling, where I felt it in my body, etc., and at times thank me for breathing. Whew!
No doubt fear in her wondering if I would literally pass out and she would need to do CPR. While this is funny, it is not. This whole life of struggling with fear of being left or the loss felt, is at times tormenting. I just never realized how much so. It’s been an interesting ride.
I had her write down on a post-it note just prior to her leave, not realizing of her leave, but wanting these questions in my possession at all times:
*Notice what I am telling myself (usually negative).
*What emotions am I having (usually fear).
*What are my bodily actions, in breathing and posture (usually slower breathing as I am slumping down, crossing arms as in closing in).
*What are my bodily sensations (usually tightness in my throat, tense shoulders, I freeze in fear).
I do all that. Always did that and still but I recognize it more today, because of her and consistently asking me, of which now I am thankful and miss her aggravating me.
It’s necessary to change the pattern. Sometimes just taking a step in one direction or another will offset the freeze mode. Yesterday, I froze in fear at the office of what am I going to do? I recognized it and proceeded to work, I got through it. Not long after, I realized I got through that panic, fear, freezing craziness. Yay me!
The negative thought pattern, necessary to change it around. Just like the thoughts that I have had that I probably caused her to leave, knowing full well that I don’t have that power and it was not her choice but her own body and wisdom to step aside for self care. That stops the negative thinking in that scenario but I have more that I struggle with. The neurons within our brain are affected as we change the pattern. Trust me, I need new neurons.
It’s amazing how our body reacts to our emotions and fear will cause havoc.
Never having somebody in my life to fully understand me and explain all this, I missed out. So for me to feel the attachment issue magnified and abandonment at this point, it is normal I believe. She was a lifeline to me.
Day by day I am slowly grasping my wits about this relationship and the loss. I will be forever grateful of her.
Giving me her blessings to find another counselor, to continue my growth and healing was hard to hear and receive, like she was throwing me out to the wolves (again negative thought), but she is allowing me to not be stuck and return to the way I was when I first stepped into her office.
I was almost dead in all areas (emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. Life just about destroyed me and I did not care for years until I knew deep down, I needed help or I would die. The search was on with prayer, just as I am now but today better, but continuous help in my healing.
So counselor 2 counselor I will attempt. I just hope that the Lord puts the right one in my pathway as this one. I have to trust Him with that and be patient.
With this new counselor, if he/she starts with the questions of what emotion do you have, where do you feel this in your body and so on, I just might … smile.
I was truly blessed with my counselor.