Within Us

Just yesterday sitting across from my new counselor, feeling at ease and comfortable talking.  The same ordeal exists that I have dealt with for years and I still do not know exactly what to do or go about it.  So, I take day by day that turns into years.  Perhaps the codependency in me, fear and just pure exhaustion from it all.  One of the reasons I attend counseling sessions, to get clarity and strength within me but I am not there yet.  My patience is wearing thin, not with the counselor but with myself.  Sometimes though with the Lord.

7F093816-B1E1-4D2D-8FA3-EF6F1F3F839Ctend to feel as though my wheels are in the mud spinning trying to get out of a hole.  I’m stuck!

As we discussed and tossed out ideas and dreams of my own, still the burden is on me to make decisions, to plan, organize, etc.  It is not as easy as some may think or offer their two cents.  It brings a hopeless feeling.

Many times, my cries to the Lord is that I do not know what to do or to how to go about it, I need help.  Then doubt arises, just as it did yesterday, maybe I am not hearing Him.  Of course, more negative thoughts come, such as it’s me, it’s my fault, I am a mess and so on to the point of my thoughts of I am the crazy one in this relationship.  The muddy hole just got bigger.  While I don’t stay in this despair long nowadays, it exists and makes itself known.  I dig myself out once again, knowing my circumstances.

I realize that counseling is talking through problems, issues in life from childhood to present to help one understand themselves.  If it had not been for the past four years with my former counselor, I do not know where I would be emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically.  While I still deal with issues, I am not the same person walking through her door the first time.  Thank God.

Even yesterday with my new counselor, discussing some of the same issues as we become more familiar with one another and areas of life, I believe a new level of faith will arise within me.  The Lord is not going to leave me where I am.  I have to believe that.  If you are going through things, you also must trust Him.

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Yesterday, she said that strength is within me.  While I know that, it is easy to forget.  Knowing what I have gone through, dealt with and changes I have made so far, I do believe her.  With that, I wonder why I need her if that is the case.  It is because I get stuck in the mud at times.  I totally support and encourage counseling.   As I ponder this today, I just wish somebody would give me a step-by-step method and tell me how and what to do.

Just writing that, the thought was, you do have a manual, the Bible.  With that, I know it is written of the timing of God, He will not leave me nor forsake me, He has a plan and a purpose for me and so many more verses.  What hope He brings and peace going through issues in life.   He’s got my back!  He’s got your back!

While I have trusted my former and present counselors, I have a Counselor that knows all about me, knows my name, where I am and where I am going.  I have had to trust Him through this and now, still trust Him.

I believe when I am strong enough, in all areas and not stuck in that mud as I relate to, He will allow everything fall into place.

We must trust Him as we all get stuck in the mud at times.

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Always Searching

FBFDEB86-FA98-4CFA-8208-F85F595C43D4Today as I go about life on my day off cleaning and doing the mundane things keeping a house, my many breaks tend to leave me researching for whatever is before me.  It’s finding out information and learning.  Google has become my best friend at times, always there, 24/7.

Even today, my mind is bogged down with questions.  I need advice and direction.  What would be nice is to talk 9DC5C451-2B7E-4A64-A913-963B7FC39F29to my former counselor and to get her perspective but that door has closed.  I’m left to search and ponder the unknown until there is an answer or peace in knowing what I think is okay and doing.  Time!

It is good to stretch your brain to learn but it becomes lonely when there is nobody you can turn to that will understand or validate the chaos within.  While yes, ‘nobody’ is a big field to say,  but there are some things that I would rather not discuss with many and at times proven to be the case.

AA7BA65A-E3D3-4208-A5C2-B3646A9FB7B0Searching.  It comes down to and to be reminded that we are to seek God and He will give us truth, answers and faith.  He is there 24/7.  He wants us to search and know Him.

Lord, I need direction, I need answers and most of all, I need You.  It’s as simple as that, and peace in the unknown comes as we put our trust in Him.

We will always be searching for this or that in life but it is when we trust Him, peace will come and that He will give us what we need, at the time we need.  God’s Timing!

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A Changing Heart

EA46BC12-7A8B-49FE-B638-1CA236B7E3B6On Sunday morning as I was getting ready for church in anticipation, as I truly love my late church service, I felt time was moving so slow.   What was I doing so different than other mornings, as each time I looked at the clock, it only moved minutes from the last observance.

As I drove toward church, with extra time, I went out of my way knowing the traffic from the earlier service would be chaotic due to a recent addition made so I drove around.  Time being available but also in hopes of passing someone that I had not seen for months.

07B036A7-ACE5-4A4C-9FC2-7045D831AEDDIn all that, I found my memories, thoughts and emotions were being affected. My heart becoming heavy and fighting back tears due to grief felt.  Aware of the sadness, as I found my seat, I tried to immerse myself in the worship once the music began.  I tried and did but it was a battle.

As I began to worship and realize that the Lord knows the hurt and grief within, I know He loves me, is healing broken pieces within me and has a plan for me.  He will not let this pain go to waste.

95CEFA90-2892-4F8B-83F6-46B49994BC3FIt was then when I felt light hearted and a refreshing come over me.  It was when I put my eyes, my thoughts and worship toward Him. I could feel joy.

To walk in heavy hearted and to leave light hearted, just within that time period was evidence and knowledge enough to know I am (we are) to look to Him and praise Him.   Acknowledge Him continuously in our daily lives, not just in church.  EDD028E1-1AED-4A58-89F9-3D7F31DF8F6B

People will let us down over and over, disappointments come and things in life just happens but perhaps and many times to push us toward Him.  A lesson learned and repeated but worth it.

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Dangling

08473529-FA33-4C38-9A88-D15F42B4751CToday, as I read an article about the do’s and the don’ts, how to find a good counselor, etc., that popped up on my Facebook timeline, I became sad.

While everything lined up according to the article of my counselor, but I had no doubt it would, plus I had trust in her.  At the time of her leave of absence, now just over three months, I was ready for the next, hopefully last hurrah of our sessions.  To graduate was always a joke between us.

D72D1370-20C6-4671-8399-530AF0C76E2DIt was if we were at a juncture of hitting some serious points in my therapy on the head and this leave came about.  It’s just like the enemy to stop progression in my healing and cause issues in her own life. Looking at it that way, I have felt it was and is my fault for her to be on a medical leave.  For me to feel at fault, that is also the childhood emotional neglect within me, accepting blame.

Spiritually speaking though, you will understand my comment because Satan does not want me, her or you to succeed and be healed.  His goal is to kill, steal and destroy.

Realistically, she just needed time to care for herself and I understand and value that in her.  But still, I miss her and grieve. 67C421CB-7BD1-487E-9C74-807F68829E13

Even reading articles about ending sessions, how to deal with and what to do by pulling the techniques provided and taught through the many counseling sessions, I do understand and I try but closure is not there.

With her leave of absence, I’m left dangling and there is an unsettledness within me.

Narrowing down my thoughts and feelings, not just with my counselor but in life itself, I am left pondering and feeling lost at times.  Why do the questions within always remain open-ended, the confusion felt overwhelm me and the plots and twists in so many areas just don’t connect?

Even through the dangling, time heals.  I do know that the Lord will get me to where I am to be and place the right people in my path.  I just have to trust Him.

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Mother, May I?

Here am I, another year older today, in fact.  I’m old.  Still my heart lingers to have and receive love that was never given to me.   While I now understand some of the dynamics of how and the whys, my yearning for a mother-daughter love will go to the grave with me.

Years of counseling, delving into my childhood issues, we hit on a lot of important issues and so many I never knew, just knowing through life, I was missing love, not fully understanding why.

Somebody, please love me!BE7B396F-90A4-4B9B-89B2-E493595655D0

Looking back, I do not remember as a child be snuggled or loved on.  Realizing I was the last child of seven and fully taking it as an oops baby, and after seven years from my sibling.  I knew and just accepted that life was busy with the others and just existed.  While I existed and took it all in stride, I was left reeling for much-needed love and attention.

I became very independent as a child and put in responsible positions, even at the age of six.  I was used for babysitting that early and on my own, for one or more children.  I would not even consider doing such for my boys, but they did me.  I got the job done, the babies and kids loved me, as I was a kid myself.  I was very dependable and loved the opportunity, while now knowing they used and basically abused me in that fashion.  No six year old, much less younger than twelve, should be placed in that position.

Scary enough, while bringing this up, I remember using a gas stove that had to start by a match, in order to heat up a bottle of milk.  I tried it but was so unsure of myself and probably one reason fire scares me to this day.  Thankfully, I was smart enough to run the bottle under hot water to do the same.  I could have blown us up and the building.  It didn’t help that I let this baby, another time, roll off the couch.  They trusted me.  Nuts!

Back to the other, still trying to understand when, where and why this all happened to me, I found I was drawn to other motherly figures.  Most that I was drawn to, I realized a pattern, they gave me attention, they talked to me, wanting to know me, I was able to sit next to them and that I did.  I could not get close enough, just let my arm touch yours was my secure attachment that flooded my heart with love.  I needed that closeness.

To this day, I still like that or the feeling of one to pat my arm or back as in, thata girl, or I am proud of you, you are special, I care.  If I felt a closeness to you, a motherly sense, you could probably hit me (just using this as an example) and I would be fine.  Why?  Because whether it be a pat on the back, your hand touching my arm, etc., I can burn that image and that feeling in my mind to pull up afterward whether it be soon after, days or years.  I needed that touch.  I needed to know you cared enough to do that.   Silly I know but my heart, my mind and my soul yearns for love.

D3A6883D-047C-477D-9EF4-C7B54A43C5FDWhat was it that caused disconnection between my mom and I?  I may never know.  While I know she was my mother, I was her daughter, I am in the family, there was something missing between us.

Years and years and still, although less nowadays, I clung to others in that role or similar.  Often in my mind trying to relay to another, hoping they would read my mind.  My mind screaming within, ‘Please Hug Me’ as my love bank was low. 08C8C495-E9E2-423E-9036-9AB60F1F26B4

The void of love given to me was lost somewhere and how sad that is of not knowing yet where.

Mother?  May I … receive your love, your hugs, your snuggles, your care, your attention, your hand to pat me of thata girl, to be interested in me, to encourage me, to brag on me, just hold me, to tell me how much you loved me over and over again?

Mom, while you were there within my reach, I just existed.  Why?

Today, I am understanding and also healing but most importantly, trusting the Lord.

I know without a doubt that He loves me, I feel His Love, He is with me at all times and that He will never leave me.  ❤️

 

 

Grief Sucks

5076C768-66B7-4F0C-9109-D7DA0CEF41E9In death and in life, losing someone that you care for is heart wrenching and unbearable.  At times the tears fall so hard and fast that seem like they will never stop.  They sometimes appear at the most unusual times and I can’t stop them.  When alone at night, the overwhelming loss seems to be too much for me to contain, the void exists.

How many days will the tears come?  Nowadays, it’s counting how many days that they don’t.  I have lost so many loved ones to death.  I, too, have lost many in life.  Whether our paths end and we go our separate ways or maybe I pull away afraid to get hurt, sometimes both. Then with a dead marriage and children leaving and stretching forth their independence, the moments hit when loneliness brings hopelessness.

Questions emerge of asking God all the whys.  Why did you allow this?  All the symptoms of grief circle around me.   Feelings of not knowing who I even am or what am I to do now and just the numbness that freeze me in fear.

Pencil Sketches Cry Girl With Boy Little Girl Crying Drawing At Getdrawings | Free For PersonalOne thing I do know… tomorrow is a new day.  To rest and usually cry myself to sleep is the norm.  It’s knowing that God knows my heart and the heaviness I feel within that gives me hope.  It’s trusting in Him when there is nobody else and pushing myself out the door when I would rather hide under the covers in total depression.  I go but there are days I wear a mask, but I go.

Grief can stop you in your tracks, whether it is with the living or the dead.  Either way, it sucks.  Just keep walking through it.  The tears will be less, the grief settles down within and a new norm will come about.  Memories of the good still exist, treasure them.

 

 

Where Am I Going?

DF6F6EC3-C9F6-41FB-8722-F74D7C370EEFI’m unsure what lies ahead.  Truly, do any of us know?  Things in our daily life can change in an instant and our lives disrupted of the boring norm that exists.  I know at times life does get monotonous and joy seems so far away, as it happens.

Thankfully, I am not dealing with a loss in a death but it sure feels like it some days.  Perhaps, I am at this point because I had so much of an attachment to someone that in order to recognize and stop this process, God had to rip this person away.  How mean that it is of Him to do!  While I understand, it still does not help my coping at times.  He is a jealous God.

47100026-CA7B-427E-A2EC-25BCC24F7E2CWith that, we are not to be jealous of others but that scripture say He is.  Isn’t that contradiction?   Again, I understand that He Is because He Is and my faith in Him is of utmost importance but my mind has problems unraveling the idea of this jealousy.

All through my life, I have attached myself to others for their direction, wisdom and care.  A child with emotional neglect will undoubtedly reach out searching for such and rightfully so in order to feel loved and cared for.  Recognizing this now in my adult years, I do understand why I did it and still lean in that fashion. Childhood issues lurk long after childhood, causing adult issues and some all the way to the grave.

Losing yet another support person in my life is like the rug has been pulled out from under me.  I feel lost, lonely and grasping at air to hold on.  Sometimes screaming within and even aloud, ‘I need you.’

Along with childhood issues, trust in many was limited and still I let very few in my world. Acquaintances perhaps to enjoy laughter but not to know my heart, only a select few.  I don’t think there is anything wrong with that, as we need to be selective.

1DA59647-69F5-467D-9D25-64872142728CAs I faced a hurdle just recently, I don’t know what to do or where to go, what steps to take.  What I do know is to remain still and allow God to position my steps and my way.  This time in waiting is painful and lonely.  At times, I feel anger rise up.  All of these emotions are normal.  With Him, I scream within and aloud, ‘I need You.’