Just yesterday sitting across from my new counselor, feeling at ease and comfortable talking. The same ordeal exists that I have dealt with for years and I still do not know exactly what to do or go about it. So, I take day by day that turns into years. Perhaps the codependency in me, fear and just pure exhaustion from it all. One of the reasons I attend counseling sessions, to get clarity and strength within me but I am not there yet. My patience is wearing thin, not with the counselor but with myself. Sometimes though with the Lord.
I tend to feel as though my wheels are in the mud spinning trying to get out of a hole. I’m stuck!
As we discussed and tossed out ideas and dreams of my own, still the burden is on me to make decisions, to plan, organize, etc. It is not as easy as some may think or offer their two cents. It brings a hopeless feeling.
Many times, my cries to the Lord is that I do not know what to do or to how to go about it, I need help. Then doubt arises, just as it did yesterday, maybe I am not hearing Him. Of course, more negative thoughts come, such as it’s me, it’s my fault, I am a mess and so on to the point of my thoughts of I am the crazy one in this relationship. The muddy hole just got bigger. While I don’t stay in this despair long nowadays, it exists and makes itself known. I dig myself out once again, knowing my circumstances.
I realize that counseling is talking through problems, issues in life from childhood to present to help one understand themselves. If it had not been for the past four years with my former counselor, I do not know where I would be emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically. While I still deal with issues, I am not the same person walking through her door the first time. Thank God.
Even yesterday with my new counselor, discussing some of the same issues as we become more familiar with one another and areas of life, I believe a new level of faith will arise within me. The Lord is not going to leave me where I am. I have to believe that. If you are going through things, you also must trust Him.
Yesterday, she said that strength is within me. While I know that, it is easy to forget. Knowing what I have gone through, dealt with and changes I have made so far, I do believe her. With that, I wonder why I need her if that is the case. It is because I get stuck in the mud at times. I totally support and encourage counseling. As I ponder this today, I just wish somebody would give me a step-by-step method and tell me how and what to do.
Just writing that, the thought was, you do have a manual, the Bible. With that, I know it is written of the timing of God, He will not leave me nor forsake me, He has a plan and a purpose for me and so many more verses. What hope He brings and peace going through issues in life. He’s got my back! He’s got your back!
While I have trusted my former and present counselors, I have a Counselor that knows all about me, knows my name, where I am and where I am going. I have had to trust Him through this and now, still trust Him.
I believe when I am strong enough, in all areas and not stuck in that mud as I relate to, He will allow everything fall into place.
We must trust Him as we all get stuck in the mud at times.
So beautifully shared. Thank you for your writing and your vulnerability. It takes courage and strength to be vulnerable. You are strong and courageous!
Thank you for your kind words. It helps me to write and hopefully to heal broken pieces in my life as I do. Maybe help others to know they are not alone. ML 😊