Give Me Wings

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I wish I had wings like a dove.
I would fly away and find rest.  
Psalm 55:6  
Good News Translation 
Ever feel that way?  Sure you have.
Thinking back, I remember when my father was alive and had a feeding tube.  I had to go to his home four times a day, starting at 5:30 a.m. At that time, I had two active boys under the age of six, at times worked at the church, and watched other children in my home, not to mention the other things that came caring for a home/family.  I was exhausted.
Walking up to my Dad’s home, about two blocks away, I often looked up at the dark, clear sky seeing all the stars and would say, if I could just fly away.  Thankfully, buying the house several years before, was a definite God thing because I could not have done this otherwise; to care for him daily, his home and my own.  As tiring as it was, I have no regrets taking care of him, just wish I had more time.
On top of all of this, dealing with grief from my mother’s recent death, my marriage was dying.  I knew it deep within but had to function as best as I could in the roles before me.
Each day turned into the next and you just make the most of it, I know I did or I at least tried.  It wasn’t long until my father died and then the estate and sure enough family issues.  There is always somebody that causes discord within the family and this in-law did just that to cause division.  Does it ever end?
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Even today, thinking back of everything that I endured, I really do not know how I did it.  But God…..  He saw me.  He heard me.  He collected my tears.  He had heard all the nasty lies about me.  If it had not been for Him, I would not be here today.  It took its toll on me and family issues with estates are pure hell.
T9BD1EC50-D334-4E56-9301-6F1E881275B3oday, as I do my job and watch the clock ready to leave the office, I am tired and ready for a vacation, which is only six weeks away.  I am so ready.  I found myself saying, if only I was a bird, I’d fly away, which brought back years of memories.
Sometimes life can get overwhelming in so many areas to where you’ve had enough.  It’s at those times, you pray that the Lord uphold you with His right hand.  Cover you with His wings and shelter you and give you peace.
Trust Him 9EACD893-AD30-4D74-8677-32D9F42E2707

Etched In My Brain

B2DF652A-ABAF-4849-B530-805EC91B7768So many instances in my life and I am sure of yours, there are moments that are like they happened yesterday.  You can feel what you felt at the moment, see the place you were at the atmosphere around you and remember the words said, as if was all frozen in time.
I was thinking of this comment made to me months ago, while driving to work this morning, I did just that.  The words said meant the world to me and re-living that moment, hearing them, knowing where I was, seeing the surroundings and feeling the gasp within as I heard the words on the other end of the telephone.  I did the same this morning, I gasped as in being frozen because I remembered everything exactly as it was said, my posture, etc., because I did not want to forget and I haven’t.
While pondering this moment in time, I thought of other verbal comments made to me throughout my lifetime and, of course, some of those words were not as kind and forgiving, but I do freeze as if the words are being etched in my brain forever.
The words, “I care for you and I love you” were said on that day  and I believe in all sincerity.  I have had to repeat them over and over to myself since because of the sadness and grief feeling I have experienced since that day.  Just dwelling on them this morning and recalling the memory, I am thankful I can remember the details.  It has helped me cope with the separation in our relationship.
1EF9396A-C845-4540-8DEA-F1433BA3A50CWhat we say to others just might be the spark of hope they need to hold on to, as these words are for me.  Without saying, and as I previously mentioned, this can also include negative but let’s focus on the positive and lift up others.  Let others know you care.  We never know what the next person whether friend, family or a complete stranger is going through.  Sadly, it just might be the last time you see them or associate with them and this lasting memory will be etched in their brain, as these words in mine and bring hope.
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Now What?

Handwritten Holiday, Christmas card with hand drawn, textured snowflakes.My extended time away from work is something I always look forward to at this time of the year, the holiday rush is over and time to do and go as I please but came to an abrupt halt the night of Christmas.  Not what I want to deal with.

It is totally apparent moreso that we have inherited the head role of  my husband’s family.  Due to his parents’ ages and medical situation and inability to carry on the family meals with holidays, I now do each holiday meals and have for the past few years.  I manage but yet again realized the other night that I would rather bake desserts than prepare meals.  Always did and I think that is a trait of my paternal grandmother.  Meal was complete and very little leftovers so I apparently succeeded or maybe did not make enough.

Then the call of a panicked brother-in-law, after leaving hours before, while we were having our Christmas time with our children at the end of the day, finally with the other family members gone.  As we were unwrapping gifts, talking and laughing, my husband’s cell phone rings.  We all held our breath thinking an accident of some sort with the aging parents, as we could vaguely hear the voice on the phone.  Something was wrong.

No, it was about him.  Sadly, we all relaxed knowing it was just him and typical drama.  The younger brother, although in his late forties, who is often missing in action unless family dinners for Easter, Thanksgiving or Christmas.  Plus enabled by his mother, I feel, which we already know will not help matters later.

AEB7E511-C684-4701-947C-0244134F32BFThe story has it, he was beat up and his eye is proof enough when kicked out of his rented space in a house by family members visiting, one just out of prison.  He now needs a place to lay his head.  Guess where?  Our house.  Just for one night I was told.  I believed that like knowing the Readers Digest people are coming to my front door with millions of dollars in sweepstakes.

I brace myself and accept the fact we need to help.  I do have a heart.  Still, with this rough group of people, will they track him down and put us in danger.  His life is a whole other world than we hold.  One that we do not understand.

593682B2-1DEB-4502-B9AC-2E82BCA45328My time off.  My mind thinking of what to do, how to get through this and knowing my time off will be spent dealing with this issue (his issues).  I solve problems at my own time and expense.  I do know…. he will not get a house key.  If no key though, I am held hostage myself dealing with his schedule.  Not going to happen.  I become the bad person putting my foot down and setting boundaries.   If I permit a key, will I ever feel safe in my own home?  No!  Now what to do?

This grown man who really just works with whatever comes his way, no real job, no real life, no real desire to do anything, is now stuck in our spare bedroom.  I want to scream and I might yet.  Get a job!

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Maybe I forget my vacation days and just go back to work to be an example to him of just how this works.  When I leave, you leave.

Some will never change.  Enabling at its finest proven to be exactly what I expected.

Not here.  Done.  Get out.  Get a job.  Get a life.

Tick Tock

6E15D8C5-7DAC-48AD-8A1D-964024206324Almost time!  It’s almost time to partay.  Plus, I’m to the point of it is what it is.  Food is planned and will be made.  Gifts are bought and wrapped.  House is clean to the visible eye, I hope.  Hey, we live here.

I look forward to the day although I will be glad it’s over. As most, exhaustion happens.  Please tell me I am not alone.  It has to be normal or is that just the setting on the dryer?

It will be fun and there will be laughter of my grown children home again to share along with my husbands family.   It’s time to enjoy and be mindful of the moments and the day that is before me.

Year after year when this day comes, I know that memories of my own family comes into play and once again the need to shake the sadness of them all no more.  Plus, I know all so well what is ahead.

They will all leave and go about their lives, the Christmas Hallmark movies go off the air for another year, the Christmas music that started way too early is now no more played and all the pretty lights and decorations come down and go back into storage.  January is such a let down and so sad, always in my book.

For now, let’s celebrate the joy of Christmas and remember why we do, the birth of Jesus.

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Merry Christmas