Anxiety

You Drain Me

ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

There are moments in life that happen, whether expected or unexpected, and your physical body and emotions cannot carry anymore. You need a break, you need rest.

These moments of time spent and caring for yourself to take time to withdraw, makes the mental toll on one also. Now there are the lies we hear within that we are lazy.

Years, I let that lie heap upon me due to my situation. It was not until I told my counselor years ago, and she gave me the gift of knowing it was okay to nap, to rest. I was exhausted from it all. Again, a free gift that meant the world to me, as it lifted a load off of me and gave me a freedom.

Now, as a new chapter emerges in my life and family situation, I have had to endure my time with one that drained me before. While I can limit my time and understand that I can leave, it helps. I have noticed though, within me, that the day after of spending any amount of time with this one, I am exhausted yet again. It is like I need to recharge until the next expected time I need to be present.

This is such a draining on me and so pattern-like that I want no more. Reminding myself… Just a little bit longer, as I am almost at the finish line.

Then I can walk away. You drain me.

Changes Change Me

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Everything runs like clockwork and then it all goes haywire.

Many do not like changes and I am definitely one. It’s not that I am like that in all areas but in certain ones, I am. It throws me for a loop.

It seems like everything in the world has been tossed. Perhaps this has caused many of the changes. It is not always a bad thing.

I realized that this one office I have gone to for over a year, her process and routine has changed. New office worker where there was none. Less time with the practitioner. An uneasiness but I thought I was dealing with it all when I realized I am not. Less appointments and no desire to go. I do have an upcoming appointment, which will help me know what I plan to do.

The last six months, there have been changes at work. I adapted and handling but not without struggle. I had everything running like a well -oiled machine after fourteen years.

I’m too old for change. I thought I was too old for temper tantrums. The rebelliousness within me often hit the wall with disapproval. I wanted to quit.

As I felt I managed and on my way to keep things running smoothly, today I find we have more changes. If these tasks did not end on my lap, I could probably brush it off. I again am hitting the wall.

I have three years until retirement. I don’t know if I can make it was my thought today. The willingness to throw up my hands and forget it all was a very strong thought and desire. Maybe I will find another job. I love my job, except for the changes. Leave well enough alone. Will tomorrow be a better day to cope and tackle this task? Time will tell.

Changes do change me. I see my weak spots in my life, which can discourage me for a bit, but I also see that I am well capable of solving and making our office maintain its efficiency.

Time will definitely tell. Wish me luck!

It’s Us

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It’s Us!

Not You, it’s You and Not Me, it’s Me. It’s Us.

This may not make sense to anyone but me. I have come a far distance and it feels good and feels right. Time does make a difference. Healing within and understanding of oneself is liberating. Is my life perfect and have it all together? Not a chance.

It is knowing I am not where I once was and I am still evolving.

One day, which is the next step, I will see my former therapist of four years. Her leaving due to medical reasons and not formally telling me, I was at a loss, her office sign is down and is no more, in 2018. My world was rocked off its axis.

Dealing with abandonment prior to her leave, then experiencing full-blown abandonment, as a true, full-blown assignment, my heart was broken. Anger ripped my insides up while tears flowed on the outside. The question I repeatedly said, was one word, WHY?

Of course, it was medical but why not personally touch base. This ‘why’ screamed within me for years.

It has since silenced. It’s not that important anymore. How is that? I still don’t know the why. There’s a peace and I like it.

Time does in fact heal. Forgiveness of the other but also of oneself is freedom, no matter what situation.

All the negative feelings and thoughts have subsided and it is kind of shocking. How will I react when we do meet while shopping or in public I often wonder.

It would be nice to see her and hug her. I’m forever thankful for our times together years ago but I want this to be a coming together somehow on the same ground level as friends. Not her as my therapist or me as her client. That is no more. It’s Us. Funny, I think she would understand this of me, as she was good like that.

That’s the next step, our running into each other. I would like that.

Again, Time!