Fear Upon Me

Fear.  Nothing new to me.

Faith.  Nothing new to me either.

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It’s distinguishing them is the trick sometimes.  Thankfully, I am full aware of the feelings both bring.  Fear brings chaos within me and faith is peaceful. I try to rein in those when I have a decision to make or situation before me.  Easy enough, it seems.

BE819327-CB9F-4226-877C-707DF6EBDAEBToday, I had read about a pastor that committed suicide and the focus was on the anti-depressant drugs.   How sad.  Then my mind went to my son who was prescribed anti-depressant medication this past month.  He is doing great so I have faith that this was a good turnaround for him but then reading this post, fear immediately went into action.

I also thought of a friend and her husband committed suicide and there, too, there was anti-depressant medication involved.  My head was swirling with fear and questions and unable to do a thing, as my son is of age to make his own decisions.

50FF3085-BE03-4342-8C23-FD9E726A6A25Oh how I miss the Tonka truck days and dirt tracked in the house, a house full of their friends and feeling like a short-order cook.  I have no control.  I have no say.

I do know he is doing better and it has been great to have my happy, talkative son again.  I missed him.  I do believe medication is good and in his case, a definite.  It’s the ‘what if’ questions and fear that I have to fight against in my own life for him.  The meds are helping (faith) but what if he contemplates suicide from them (fear).

Working through my fears and thoughts as I am mopping the floor feeling stressed, it was when I prayed.  Lord, I have no control.  You know all about my son, you have your hand upon him and always have had.  You know his counselor and the doctor prescribing this drug to him  Please protect him.  I have to give him to You yet again.  Peace came.

How many mothers (parents) deal with this or similar all the time, day after day?  I have to trust and put my faith in the Lord.  I have to basically do the same with my son, as he is grown.  He has to make choices and hopefully wise decisions.    CC208DCD-8735-4E46-84C0-A7A1E99C81BA

What I can do is continue to pray for and encourage my son, which I do.

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Perhaps you have dealt with the same or similar, and still.   It’s not easy.  Perhaps you have dealt with or know someone that suicide took a life.  Devastating.  All I know is to trust the Lord and in that, too, anger might be present.  It’s normal.  Perhaps not what you wanted or expected with your child’s life or whatever situation you may be facing.

Many years ago, I had a situation, and I was angry and with God.  It was when I confessed and screamed that out to Him, while I thought it was crude, I also grew in my faith.  Seriously, He knows we or that I was angry anyway, so I might as well confess it.  Life can give us some hurdles but it is trusting Him through them.

Being a parent is not always an easy task, no matter what age but it is the most rewarding.

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When You’re Angry at God

Homeless Little Girl

While getting ready to be picked up by some friends recently to attend a popular musical in a nearby city, many thoughts kept coming to mind that I haven’t thought of since I was a child. At least this much thought.

I do not give myself such luxuries to attend these types of events often enough. One, because they are too expensive and I am not too terribly fond of musicals. Perhaps for this very reason I am writing that I am not a fan. This one had a meaning, as my son was in the orchestra pit so you bet I would pay and make myself available to be with others to enjoy. Slowly crawling out of my shell, too.

Since it has been years, like I said, I was a young child and I might have been ten, if not a bit older but not by much. There was this girl at the other end of our small, country town and we were becoming friends, hanging out, as we talked on the telephone like most girls do, which was all nice. While I liked her friendship, I knew she was more outgoing and just better than me. I have always thought everyone was better than me, a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem.

0941A85F-F0C1-4B8A-B855-1CD52ED17D18It was when Jen called me at home one evening. As a typical young girl, I played outside, did not dress up much and spent just an ordinary day at home, most days and weekends. Her call was to ask me if I wanted to go with her, her mother and maybe another person to a play, a musical or something fancy. Knowing and thinking that I may never have this opportunity again, I agreed and thought it would be fun. Of course, with that agreement, I had to be ready within minutes. Sure, I am ready, I said. Now, I had no idea what or where we were going, just with my friend. I felt special knowing I was asked to go. I felt special and important.

It was when they arrived to pick me up and my friend, younger than me by a year, walked through the door with her mother. I remember the exact place I was standing, looking at them, probably thinking oh my. I’m sure my mom and others in the living room were thinking, what the hell. While I do not remember what the mom had on, I do remember my younger friend looking like an adult. All dressed up, 14C7F979-C6D1-454A-B751-78D4DD1A1062wearing her mother’s mink stole and makeup. They were both classy looking. Here I am, probably greasy hair somewhat, in my normal clothes from the day. Remember, I only had five minutes to be ready. Not knowing what to expect, definitely not this night or what followed.

I do remember my mom asking me if I really wanted to go. I know now that was to protect me from being hurt due to the way they were dressed and the homely look I 8cb1ff75-fa04-467a-aec4-0c7793a42308-43917-00000876b968150aportrayed compared to them. At that time, I did not give much thought to this, although I remember the shock when they walked through the door beaming, but I made a commitment to go so off we went. No doubt my mom was concerned, but I did not know how to say no and to go somewhere was a luxury.

As I gave thought to this fancy outing with my friend dressed to the nines and here I stand with them in the lobby area of the event feeling very insecure, as I see people stare at me. To them and those around, I did look homeless and I am sure I was an embarrassment to them, sorry they even asked me.9EF4F1E2-2795-4293-890E-F52792B130A8

As I got ready to go to the musical for my son, I felt a little apprehensive about what to wear, which brought up all of these memories. Dealing with excitement to go but the torment from the past. I was dressed nice, my Sunday best somewhat, but I caught myself scanning those that picked me up and others in attendance around me. Fear. I found I was dressed appropriately although I was overdressed probably to some. Anything goes nowadays, anywhere but not so much back in my day.

0e3b2b0e-2c25-422e-a280-f8ab576f69be-10228-0000025b43f0b48bInteresting how my morning getting ready to go dealt with the night almost fifty years ago. I felt as though the Lord was revealing some hidden hurts that need attention and healing. No doubt, enough to make my head swim.

So many thoughts took me back, as a lot of negative roots in my feelings of myself and even others grew from that night. I remember them all dressed up and we are standing in the foyer area to enter for seating.  It was like I was frozen watching others look at me and then those I was with.   Strangely enough, I do not remember anything else from that night. I was there physically but nothing more.

d0033ac5-e020-490d-a057-24f0c1a90c7c-43917-00000875474bb142I wonder if I disassociated myself during that outing and have allowed that to happen throughout my life, at times, when hurt or placed in predicaments where I was uncomfortable. I felt anger from these thoughts of that night. As I thought of this event and that this so-called friend used me because probably because a classier friend could not go or maybe others and I was was the last one on her list. Last resort is what I felt like. To still remember seeing myself standing there feeling like dirt, perhaps that is why all my life I have felt I never measured up. Interesting how such things affect us throughout life. I freeze in fear and other issues. How sad that such an event that should have been a big deal and enjoyable but it caused some major issues for me that I have kept buried.

No surprise, our friendship did not last. Even though I never discussed this back then with anyone or since, it all affected me. Here almost fifty years later, I am remembering and writing about it and acknowledging the moments. I understand a little more about me, which brings more healing. That in itself, I will accept and move forward.

In fact, my fourth grade timeframe has been zapped from my memory and I never could understand, as I have mentioned to my counselors. No doubt, I bet this event lines up, as I was swallowed up with shame.834FBE85-E9B9-42FC-A0FF-56650D179ABA

Feeling used and ‘used’ might not be the word I am searching for but I do know how hurtful it was and to feel like a no-good human being due to looks, clothing, etc., can be devastating. This whole scenario was wrong in so many ways.

I hope and pray that from this point on, remembering and analyzing the dynamics of this classy musical or whatever it was that was fancy enough for them to wear mink and to appear more than what they were, I hope I never put on an air to be something I am not and make someone feel so worthless. Also, to cause some hidden hurts that I have carried due to this situation but I must forgive them, too. My friend’s mother passed away many years ago and sadly my friend, too, just years later.

I have no doubt that the Lord saw me then and knew I would be at this place now. He has carried me way too many times in my life of hurts. How awesome! 💕

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Just Forget Me

As I drove home from work the other day, thinking and praying, I was praying about a matter in my own life. As I went around the bend in the road, I started praying for my son. While he is getting through some issues, my heart remains heavy for him. I am his mother so he has my full heart.687B8AD4-B9DF-430E-9EDC-1B2EDA59250A

In my car I tend to pray a lot as I drive, tears flow and I feel the Spirit of God fall on me.  Now don’t tell anyone, but I tend to sing well in my car, too. I am sure many do the same as I do. Right? It’s me and the Lord. So many times through the years and had it not been for those driving moments, I may not be here. He heard my cries, saw my tears and He never left me.

As I was starting to pray for my son, I just stopped and said, ‘Lord just forget me right now, don’t take up your time with me, as I will make it through but please put Your Mighty Hand upon my child and help him.’  In just a sweet moment after saying that request, the words ‘I will not forget you’ rushed through my mind, my spirit.  I smiled. I questioned, as that was me, which is normal but that is exactly how caring He is. Confidence in knowing He will not forget me.0FBA556F-ACD2-40CD-9E73-5B963F592813

Through the years, too many times, those sweet moments carried me through and my faith increased.

Perhaps you are going through something right now that seems impossible or overwhelming or for a loved one, like me.  Please know that the Lord sees you, hears you, knows your heart and sees your tears. Trust Him and allow His Peace to flow through you.

 

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The Singing Stops

E4A8B0EB-0790-4BE7-88F1-FC5DC2C6B87BTonight as I am home alone and in my kitchen cleaning as I am getting ready to leave town for the weekend, I sing and there is joy. Joy, not just because I am leaving for a few days but not inhibited or embarrassed. Nobody is here to hear or see me. Typical of my life. I feel freedom when alone.

D3B9CFB2-506A-4139-B618-E2B2065945E5Remembering tonight though, mostly my Mom through my own singing. As a small child, I would hear her sing, whistle or hum as she cleaned and smelling the freshness of our home. I always enjoyed that, as there was peace 29EE2683-4E8C-4D69-9090-14B575152DD3and happiness and it was felt. As a child, I would swing on my old metal swing set in the back, side yard with my neighboring girlfriend and we would sing as loud as possible. Nothing held us back, no embarrassment or care in the world. Happy times.

Crazy enough, not long after, I remember thinking that there is no more singing in our home. Of course, I did not know why not or reasons behind that thought but I knew enough that things changed. It was like a switch turned off the happiness to unhappiness. Children do notice and sense things. They may not understand the dynamics but are aware, I feel.

Just as in my own life and marriage, I am singing tonight because he is not home. Once he walks in the door, I become quiet once again and the doldrums return. Sad.

I know in my own situation, I have been made to feel stupid and ugly or have the eyes look at me with no expression of joy and complete blankness, no joy or delight to spark in return. Perhaps the Aspergers in play or rude behavior in action, I do not know. It happened the other day, in fact, and literally made me cringe. I determined that day, I would not let that pull me down.

Don’t worry, I have been patient and I am but I am also working to get myself healthy enough in many ways. Thank God for my counselors past and present. Most importantly, the Lord knows my name and where I am. In my hope and anticipation, He knows where I am going.

Knowing the singing stopped in my childhood, the same in my children’s lives in our home. I feel so bad about that for them and can get downright sad and feel guilty to allow it to happen but it did. I have no doubt they felt the unhappiness in our home turn off just as I did. I stayed for them and while some say it is best to go ahead and divorce, not in my case, as the outcome would not be what it was. I pushed through and made our home as stable as possible. Having them, pushed me to remain in my right mind although many days I questioned it.

10C5E00A-03B8-4D2E-AFD7-D5D7023BEA10It is my hope that one day they will call me blessed.

My parents are deceased. Tonight as I had all of this on my mind, I would love to talk to Mom and ask her just why her singing stopped. No doubt, my Dad did or said something to cause that divide. Just as my husband did. Probably not the same but enough to break her heart as it did mine. Living as husband and wife and the love stops, you just exist.5A13D819-183F-4F63-84E6-D29E0DE2891B

With this or in any situation, marriage or others, we have a choice of how to handle it all. My parents chose alcohol to deal with life. Sadly, that pushed this young little girl to figure out life for herself. One thing I did learn through that ordeal, is that I did not want alcohol to rule my life or be present in our home. Still, without alcohol, my children had to deal with some matters I am sure on their own, but I was there for them loved them with hugs and all the support I could muster up while struggling within.

So many wives stay in relationships due to financial reasons. My friend and I call this the BOAT (Because Others Are There). Many around you and me, in relationships, are struggling but wear a mask making it all appear good. Sad again.

All I can say is that I/we have to depend upon the Lord. He knows how my marriage issues affected them and that He keep watch on them. Just like He kept watch over me from my parent’s marriage issues.

Thankfully, I am moving forward and becoming healthier in all areas and feel life and joy within that I haven’t for so many years. Happiness replacing unhappiness. I will sing a new song of praise.

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Struggle in the Dirt

9D1F1378-C217-4A2F-8027-1D2A65C7114FIt was about a week ago, as I spoke with my counselor, it got a little deeper in our session than normal. Still, we are becoming familiar with one another and I like that but digging deep gets to the rich soil that is there. Plowing up some old hurts and present issues to bring healing and the joy of blooming where you are, where I am.

7A434994-C26D-4812-93D1-F0240CB5F9DBI know this all sounds so flowery.  Not in the beginning though because there is dirt and lots of it to contend with in life. The big, bad and ugly parts that are buried. You know how it goes, the seed is dropped in the dirt, watering and sprouts begin to develop and soon the stems with flower buds and flowers. Season after season, this can happen. Just as in life, we go through seasons.

As we discussed some issues, we mentioned and discussed abandonment. A common thread in my counseling sessions throughout the years along with my blogging, as it had such an impact on me.

My former counselor of four years was one that saw me 7177A8D1-60B1-4C48-89A6-C99539B65E87in the dirt, plowed and plowed to get me ready for seed and growth. It was not a small undertaking by her at all, it was orchestrated by God. He knew I needed her when I did and allowed us to work together for all of those years.

Today or now as I meet with my counselors, it comes easier and I feel joy. It is not that I did not feel joy with my former counselor, I did at times but she had to do a lot of forceful digging to get deep with me and in my heart of hurts and issues. Many times I wanted to quit growing. The rebellious part of me asking why do I have to go through this.  Many times feeling and saying I don’t want to do this. Deep down though, I knew in order to feel life later, I had to and continue.  Even though I am older, I have more life to live before I die and the previous ones proved to zap life from me. Nobody really ever cared enough to know me and understand me, as she did.  Healing comes when heard and understood. To dig deep was not easy for me nor for her.  Most counseling sessions ended with me being overwhelmed and emotionally spent.  I remember well dealing with it all, trying to make sense of it all for a good twenty-four hours, if not more, each week. We would do it all again the following week.

Now the sense of joy felt is that I understand myself better, she opened my eyes to many areas that proved to cause confusion in my life from childhood, marriage and just in life itself.

Each session enriched the soil within my life. Today, I feel joy because of just that. I have grown through the dirt and standing tall, most days. Other days, maybe peeking out at the sky and others I feel a bloom about ready to pop with new life. How exciting.C8C1C887-908C-442A-91BA-F711DA3A4F90

The counselors I have now are watering the dirt, the seed and sprouts and stems and at times, flower bulbs. I did not say flowers. I still have a way to go but I feel the growth, the warmth of the sun and one day, the flower buds will burst open with beauty. Oh how I want that. In hopes that I can freely express myself to others that they know they are not alone, as in the struggles I have endured. We are to help one another. Our testimony just might be healing for another. The vulnerability frightens me a tad but the Lord will help me, I feel, when it is time. I’m patient, I have had to be in life, while in the dirt.

While we may feel hopeless in the darkness, hurt and alone, as in the dirt, the root system is growing and enabling strength to endure of what is to come.  Not all bad.  Trust the Lord because odds are, He has a plan.

I do not know what all of this will look like but the anticipation of it all is exciting. I have been truly blessed with my counselors. The Lord truly placed each one in my life to help me struggle through the dirt, wilt at times, push through, stand and get strong, form a leaf or two, OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAexperiencing a bud now and then, as I look forward to blooming and the flower burst into beauty.

Hope! There is more to the rest of my life and I want it.

How about you? Where are you in this growth process, in the dirt, standing and waiting to bud and bloom or are you wilting away and stuck in the dirt?

I was stuck for so long and the darkness about overtook me. I had to make a decision and if this is you, move forward. Try counseling, see a medical doctor for a blood workup as you just might be low in areas or need anti-depressants (and that is okay). Most importantly, trust the Lord and allow Him to touch your life and heal the heartache and broken pieces in your life.

When I was at this one pivotal point in counseling, my counselor’s advice before she left on vacation was for me to get in every altar call at church, have others pray for me and I did just that. Humbling experience but I did just that to move forward and it did. If you take one step, He will take two.

Whatever, do not remain stuck. I had a choice, you have a choice.

Get out of the dirt and bloom where you are planted. 🌸

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Isaiah 35:1-2 “Even the wilderness and desert will be glad in those days. The wasteland will rejoice and blossom with spring crocuses. Yes, there will be an abundance of flowers and singing and joy! The deserts will become as green as the mountains of Lebanon, as lovely as Mount Carmel or the plain of Sharon. There the Lord will display his glory, the splendor of our God.”

 

 

 

Unlovable

What is wrong with me?D915C4A5-A4FD-46D4-B236-AFDC897FB735

Those words have echoed in my head all of my life, from childhood, always with a quizzed look, never understanding.

As a little girl, one that should have been hugged by her parents, especially the mother; cuddled and oh my goodness just loved. I do not remember any physical touch to reaffirm their love that would build the confidence in knowing.9DA344BF-4AA5-49B4-AC4C-3A96F9C157BE

Just knowing and accepting their love due to the fact, I was their child and they were my parents. Somewhat like being a Christian. Just knowing and accepting His Love and knowing you are His Child. Complete Faith! Faith in both situations but there was always that nagging feeling that seems to ponder in my mind and heart of the relationship in love and acceptance. Questioning them, others, God and myself.

64543FFB-18EC-4390-9AD0-982E11526EBAAs I received the attention and physical touch of hugs from others, like the motherly types, my quizzed mentality often questioned why that was so easy to give and take but with my actual family, like my own mother, as it was not. So, it must be me.

Last weekend, being with my grown children, I experienced this yet again. Wondering, what is wrong with me, it must be me and that I must be unlovable. But why? I was triggered by these thoughts that held me hostage in my mind for a bit.

While the oldest was busy and in a location not easy to get near and hug me, he did acknowledge me. Later when leaving, we hugged but walking toward the car, next to him, I put my arm around him. Somewhat expecting the same. It did not. It’s me.

My other son, while I just spent one day with him that week and to meet up again, it was as if I was nobody. I brushed it off as to knowing he is dealing with some depression. We went on to dinner and enjoyed a family meal together. I had just done a lot of laundry for him and felt somewhat disrespected with no thank you. Seriously?! Again, it’s me.

With both of these situations of our time together, my mind was racing and feeling this small child within me scream out, what is wrong with me? Why can’t they love me? What have I done wrong to cause this? Am I standoffish? This same question and statement has followed me all of my life. That day, magnified. The voice gets louder within, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? Followed by, it must be me.

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Thankfully, knowing of childhood emotional neglect (CEN) and abandonment now from years of counseling, this is a normal, typical question of the child/adult with this neglect and abandonment. It is so wrong! No child should ever feel this way and then to carry it into adulthood and in my case, soon to be senior citizen.

I know my boys love me and I make sure they know I love them with my hugs, kisses on their cheek, verbal acknowledgment and encouragement. Almost always, another hug is required before leaving. It’s not just for them but for me.

The thoughts and torment within eased with the acknowledgement that this was and is due to CEN. Yes, it was fact that I missed the love deserved growing up. They also missed my love that I could have given. The negative thoughts had to go. I am lovable, not unlovable. I know that CEN affected my life so that is what is wrong with me, but I am moving through it.

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Dr. Jonice Webb is an author and well known for Childhood Emotional Neglect. Just from reading my blog(s), this does not end in childhood but carries on into adulthood. Understanding and acknowledging will help 2185EFB1-7C6E-488E-84A8-68021495085Cyou maneuver through the struggles, just as I am doing. Instead of me dwelling and how I often remained stuck in the ‘what is wrong with me’ mentality, I can recognize it and move on a lot quicker.

I have complete faith that I was and am loved by my parents/family, while they also have and had their own issues and probably with the same, CEN. I have complete faith that the Lord loves me, I am His Child and He loves me just the way I am. I have come to the place of loving myself, which is huge. Complete faith that I am a good person, I am lovable and I am going to continue to understand myself and enjoy the rest of my life.  What’s wrong with me not doing that?  Nothing!

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/childhood-neglect/2017/07/7-signs-you-grew-up-with-childhood-emotional-neglect/

Knock, Knock

223454F7-CE60-42DB-AF8F-45F74A35061FI stand at the door and knock. Awaiting for my son to open it as this mother was concerned. I was not leaving until he opened the door and planning to camp out, if need be.  As my patience grew weak and my anger grew in intensity, I found the peace and just prayed. I had to pray that I did not lash out words of anger but of love and encouragement. How can he allow his mother to stand somewhat patiently in the hallway of his apartment building while finishing up a video game? My mind went to the disrespect and anger, which followed easily enough. While I am patient, I understand that ‘in the middle of a game’ with guys it is crucial. I have had too many boys hang out in my home over the years to know different so I patiently and impatiently waited. Still, feeling that bit of frustration. I was determined to not leave and he knew it. A surprise visit, an hour away from home does not happen often but when it does, you best be ready to open the door. Mama is here!  I knew something was not right.

E2938424-E21B-4B9E-8694-356CF263FC05How can I stay frustrated though when the door is unlocked, opened and I see his 6’3″ frame before me and not love and hug him tight with tears? He is mine! No matter how tall, how old, how aggravated my inside was experiencing, he will always be mine. My child.

In life we mess up, we fail, our walk is not perfect, disappointment in ourselves and others, etc.  In those times, we want to hide and keep the door shut to those around us and ignore life or what happens in our world.  The point of depression and isolation can come and knock us for a loop and unsure how to get out of this tailspin.

While I understand his predicament, I also have been there many times.  In all of this, the guilt will hit me and the enemy is quick to accuse me that it is my fault. My fault because he is like me, I was and am a terrible mother and fill in the 60C181D6-80B5-4E82-84D4-4F3F62CB2E8Bblanks. Yes, he is like me, I was and am his mother and while I have made mistakes, I was and am also a great mother. So turning those lies into positive and to get the enemy off my back and out of my mind is what I did and do often.  Lies and fear must go.

My former counselor calls that rewiring your brain, too. We need to flip our thoughts to the positive. In my case with my son and the lies, etc., it is putting Satan in his place and acknowledging that the Lord is in control of this situation. Until next time and I’ll do the same. Back off!  A spiritual warfare on my behalf and definitely for my son.

Just like God, He will not give up on you, me, us. He will patiently stand at the door and knock; awaiting for the door to open and for us to acknowledge Him.  The love of a mother for her child is deep but He loves us so much more.

1BD2ADD3-56C8-40E2-96D3-E3543E5513DEMy present counselor mentioned the other day that he was reminded of me while reading the Bible and various writings that all seemed to relate.  I had told him of my surprise visit to my son’s apartment, standing at the door knocking.  The verse, “Behold, I stand at the door, and knock:  if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.”  He knew of my love for my son and the concern I had plus my determination of not leaving him until I knew he was okay.  I loved that my counselor told me that and how this reminded him of me doing the same, I stand at the door and knock.

How great it is that He will never leave nor forsake us.  He awaits to hear us call upon Him.  He loves me.  He loves you. ❤️