Nothing!

0518437e-e078-4127-b784-db8ae8dcfe70-4006-000002db793c0401Here I am alone in my office and no desire to finish my work that can really wait until tomorrow, so I write for a bit.  The quietness in the office space far from everyone in the building, hearing the HVAC motors on the roof above me makes me feel as I am on an airplane ready for take off.  Anytime now, the flight attendant will be at my door offering up those yummy cookies.  Hey, I can dream.  Dream to take off in flight to somewhere exciting and yes those cookies. cb2b0a80-d041-46e4-877a-cb3a7c4cf0a9-4006-000002dbad019654 Tick tock tick tock, as I have two hours left to maintain this status until I can leave.

Even then, the boredom of life exists.  I joined classes and get regular exercise but my energy level and joy is depleated, as I just fall into bed.4b4d5133-5fef-4f5b-925d-25af21d5693f-4006-000002e1177629f6

Depression, perhaps.  Exhaustion, perhaps, Grief, perhaps.  Loneliness, perhaps.  Put those things and probably a few more it becomes overwhelming.

I know to keep moving and doing and not be isolated, but that comes so easy.  Vacation time is nearing so hopefully that will help, to get away.  A change of scenry, shopping and laughing with a dear friend although tears will fall, too.  Just to get away from nothing here and probably nothing there to really gain but a brief change and there’s nothing to lose.

a4f22023-0749-45cb-bf53-147ea2129562-4006-000002dc8f2ccc3aOh Lord, I need you.  I need your loving arms to hold me.  Only You know me like no other.  Give me strength to keep moving forward and be kind to others and to share your love and your mercy and grace. My focus needs to be on you, as you know my name and where I am when I do not even know myself.

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Winds Are Blowing

FB12F8C0-B7F0-4FA7-83ED-75D40CD61625As I listen to the winds blow outside for hours now, hearing creaks in this old house of mine, the clanging of my wind chimes, I am reminded of the winds that blow in our own lives.  With wind, there is no control, it’s going to blow and with each burst, in hopes the structures are able to sustain the force.

Many times through such storms, I have curled up in my chair listening to the force outside or feeling the force within me, wondering if either can stand through it all.  So many times I have thought or said, ‘Lord, calm the storm’ or ‘Peace. Be still.’

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Amazingly enough, we are stronger than we think we are.  Even if my house falls in the midst of the winds of the storm, He will be with me to rebuild.

It comes down to, for me anyway, that He will help me no matter what circumstances are before me.  I have to trust and have faith in that and mostly in Him.  I may struggle to get there for a bit… but I do.  As in most struggles and trials in life, the worst is when alone, at the midnight hour. ACEB5344-6FB1-417B-A354-0FAA1BF3D956

Lord, calm the chaotic winds within and around my very being so I can be a testimony of your faithfulness.

If you are facing storms in your own life, Trust Him. Easier said than done, I know, but He is our peace.

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Isolation Stops Here

63BADBC8-34A8-4B71-83EB-6A330D5AE5DDWhile being alone at times can be helpful in order to get re-charged, spend time with God, which is all normal but other times it can be detrimental.

Years ago, after several family estate issues I tended to and lies were said about me to many, I begin to believe the hurtful lies and question my own worth.  You can believe that the enemy took hold real quick.  I avoided life itself, a prison within my own home and within myself.  I was dying and actually that would have been a relief.  Satan wants nothing more than to kill, steal and destroy.  I knew that but no energy to fight.

I had a choice, to live or to die.  I’m still here!  It has not been easy and heartache and pain still hits.  I know the ones that are still lying and saying things about me to those that will listen.  I cannot control those situations.  Some thrive on drama and such.  Know them by their fruits, forgive and move on.  The Lord said He would fight my battles.  I have to trust Him.

Dealing with a situation recently, I wanted to crawl back into the dark pit of despair of isolation.  To not trust anyone, feeling sadness, anger, depression, etc.

While I canceled one social event because of being emotionally overwhelmed, I had another event today.  I came very close, a couple of times to do the same, but I pushed through.81519706-EA83-4A56-942B-4F914147BAA2

I never want isolation to control me ever again causing rejection, inferiority and every other evil plot that Satan can throw at me.

I have worked too long and hard through the last four years to drop back down to the depths of despair.35FFCE95-2B34-42F7-A7B8-5CE71FB049A8

Plus, I love the fact that even through this pull to remain within my four walls, the Lord has been gracious enough to open up His Word to me, reading various writings of exactly what I am dealing with, as if they were written just for me, which increased my faith and to remind me of His Love for me.  That’s God.

Push through the lies, push through the despair within and draw close to the Lord.  You may feel dead within and walking blindly.  Through the anguish, if all you can say is Jesus, He understands you and He knows.

(Personalize the following)9F84ED27-50EB-4647-A778-6CE4A1A3BD90

He knows your (my) name.

He knows where you are (I am).

He loves you (me).

Change on a Dime

Funny how things can change on a dime, as they say.  This day was going so well.  The sun was shining, my list of things to do being crossed off and everything was lining up and running like clockwork.  I was happy and ready to have some fun with a few days off work.

In a few short hours, it was the day I dreaded.  Driving over the back roads with my sister to go to dinner and a movie, I pass my counselor’s office who has been on medical leave.  Her signage has been removed and my heart just drops.

63B8434B-7309-49F6-913D-9DEEB59C1111I knew one day that this was a possibility but never hoping it would.  I had to pick up a prescription on our way and in just that short distance, the emotions within me could not be contained. Basically, a death has occurred in my life.  Flip flop from sadness to anger and back again.

Grief is such a pain, whether for the dead or the living, it sucks.  No movie, no dinner, no interest anymore. Done.

So many questions, so many loose ends but…177F9360-1487-40FC-A06B-EC6F46CC93A8

Different Wavelengths

Sometimes, through the years I just want to throw my hands up.   Even today, the thought of going and doing something at a moments notice, becomes deadend.

Over the past thirty-three years together, unless I plan and make plans aware and down to the minute, things will not happen in this relationship.  No matter what it is.  Yes, sex, too.5A5CABA9-2B4C-47F8-A06A-26138023EB11

I do the planning, make financial decisions and no matter what, which is a lot of pressure on a wife.    Perhaps realizing just four years ago I have dealt with Aspergers, I get it now but still it does not ease the frustration of the past, present or future.

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Just today, the thought of going to a park I am unfamiliar with but he knows, I thought it would be a nice time to walk and enjoy the cool, crisp air with sun on my face.  Of course, he is walking the dog and the daylight hours were nearing and that would be mentioned when I brought up this brilliant idea and time wasted on details of such fact.  This is how it happens.  Never ending.  So, I usually go on my own and keep moving forward with, or most times, without him.

Is this typical with other Asperger couples?  Never on the same wavelength and it becomes lonely and sad.  I want more in life and fun.  Just no connection.

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A Degree or Not

4e423748-9da1-41e8-81e9-fd289ed9edf7Today, I feel I will lose yet another key person in my life.  Finding myself at a doctor’s appointment, which was for me, it was me giving advice and encouragement to the doctor.  Thankfully, he confided in me, knowing of my own counseling experience but also that I can be trusted and that I care and will pray.

It took a lot of guts to remove the mask and for him to express his own depression, etc.  Perhap he will step aside for a bit to benefit his own self-care, as my counselor is doing.

While I do not know for certain that is her issue, odds are it is, depression and burnout.

Day in and day out of hearing other people complain and definitely confide in them of things that we would probably not handle well, no matter how much education and training, it takes a toll.  It has to.

Years ago, I had a doctor for many years commit suicide.  While he was not the friendliest doctor, I trusted him.  His death knocked me off my rocker for a bit.  Questioning myself, perhaps if I would have been more thankful or made him laugh or even shared God with him, of which I regret, he’d still be my doctor.

Today, I did not fail to share God’s Love with my doctor.

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Again, we never know what the next person around us, at any given moment, is going through, whether it is depression, burnout, etc.  Just because they have a degree, they are not exempt of having issues and wearing a mask appearing all is well.

They, too, need the Love of God and to know that their patients/clients are praying for them.

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