Last night, as I sat down in our first class, which will be held one night a week for eight weeks, I was feeling apprehensive. I was feeling out of place, not for the purpose of the class but me wanting to withdraw. I like to keep my commitments but honestly I did not want to be there, at all. This was not a required class, but a 
volunteered one to sign up and go to and for all things, weight loss. No doubt, every lady in this classroom was feeling the same. Thinking and feeling, just another attempt of a losing battle, my weight.
Since I was not one-hundred percent of my desire to continue past this first night, I did not buy the booklet, which was recommended. Knowing how I am, I buy such things and that is it, they do not get used and finally thrown out. I was being persistent in my thoughts of I am not buying this book. Just that rebellious attitude, and not flipping through the booklet like others, I was an odd (wo)man out.
The lady who was leading this group is a very good speaker and she herself has lost the weight and kept it off, keeping the focus on the Lord and depending upon Him. This all makes sense and sounds easy enough but… when we fail and have those sweet treats and the calories build due to whatever we are dealing with or just boredom, then Satan beats us up with shame, failure and our loser mentality. Plus the fact, we failed God yet again, we did not keep Him first in our eating habits. Hopelessness comes. I hate when all that happens.
It was when she spoke about the next part, of how the Lord is with us and wants us to be with Him. To trust Him to pull back the layers of our emotions, which is why we normally eat. The emotional eating is big with me, as with many. Let me eat those cookies to ease the sadness. Maybe the cake and ice cream because I am upset and angry over a situation. Well, you know also that we need to celebrate our co-worker’s third marriage or whatever celebration it is for the day. No doubt, you know how it goes, especially if you also struggle with weight issues. The sadness, frustration, anger, etc., can overtake us to where we think it will all be better to eat. The Lord wants us to come to Him with our emotions, anything and everything, as He is always present. Acknowledge Him.
Since I have been in counseling the past five years and have dug my heels in and have come a long way, I know the emotional turmoil myself. Perhaps this is my next level to concentrate further. Not that I have not included the Lord, because I have, I have had to.
While that spoke to me on a deeper level, of peeling back the layers, it was when she said that Satan was afraid of you (me). That hit me big time. He has big plans for someone in this room and Satan does not want you to feel confident and grow in the Lord. I took that all personal and that is a good thing. I do have an excitement within and joy of what the Lord is doing in and with me but times come that this is crazy thinking. I think not. Like I mentioned, I have worked hard and pushed through a lot and some hell and I believe there is a new me about to happen and while Satan is afraid of me, I think I am afraid of me, too, in a good way. 
I, of course, bought the book. What God has started, He will finish. I know there is a plan and a purpose for me.
What emotions are in your life that need the layers pulled back? Are you struggling with your weight, an addiction, etc. We tend to stuff our emotions down and not acknowledge, keep busy to ignore but what He wants is for you, me, all of us to come to Him and allow Him to be in the midst so we can heal from the pain.
Always know, He also has a plan and a purpose for you. Trust Him.
An attitude? Of course, being one that takes things to heart, that stuck with me. Offended somewhat but also questioning if I was wrong for standing up for myself and in my decisions. I have a right to speak up for me. While I knew she did not say that to be hurtful but it was her observation.
vocalize much at all. I was done. I lost myself. Depressed. It was tending to my children, which was my main focus, our home to keep it standing and in repair and then my own health and well-being to stay alive. There were times, I felt I would be better off dead, as it would have been the easy way out of my misery but I held on for my boys.
have a say and I have a right to say NO. My boundaries.
houses. I knew to never touch much less breathe on anything. What I did though was look at the beautiful homes we were in, imagine what it was like to live there. While we had a nice, clean home ourselves, it was my place to escape within my mind. I can still smell the Ivory bath soap and see the bathroom at Betty’s house. I can see the beautiful knick knacks and remember looking out the window in the side room to the back yard at Addie’s house. I was a good kid, I could entertain myself just within my thoughts. I had to in order to stay out of people’s way, including my mom. I was no bother.
Many times, I have noticed through the years that I would not call others, ask for help, etc,, and I am still that way. For instance, I have been given permission by my former counselor, in the past, and my present counselors to contact them, if needed. Each one, my comment is that I appreciate the offer but I did not and will not bother you and I don’t. The risk of rejection, of them having no time for me would only magnify the panic within me. In a situation at work, just yesterday, now I had to bother several and got a little more involved than usual. Perhaps that is me not being so independent, codependent, passive aggressive, etc., as I will take so much and then… Enough! Majority of the time, I will solve the issue and figure out how to rectify the problem for ease on me and all involved. As in this work situation, besides my time and a stress headache pounding on each heartbeat, I now have a solution and will put in place starting tomorrow. Done.
your sister and don’t make her cry. I heard that so often, as she did not really care to hold or even hear me. How sad. I have always felt and known I was an oops baby. To realize even back then, I was an imposition as a baby, a young girl, adult and still an almost retired lady, it kind of does something to you.
While I may have been an oops, an imposition, a bother, felt the abandonment in life, I know one thing for certain and that I am a child of God. I think I even knew it back then, too, but nobody to encourage me spiritually. I know that He does not make mistakes. I am not a mistake. I know that He loves me. I am loved and 
lovable. The ‘I Am’ statements are not just off the wall and flippant but necessary and truth behind each one. It has taken me years to truly grasp His Love for me. It’s when you know because you know. Joy!
Just Pondering... 