At times I am confused and just shake my head, thinking what just happened. Questioning… you want me to talk and know who I am but then criticized for voicing my opinion.
Yesterday was one of those days. Actually, the last week or two of situations and issues at hand. As I spoke about some of these things to my counselor, you know sharing the ups and downs, the good and the bad and frustrations in life. Let it out, vent and feel safe in her office space, which I did and do.
When I mentioned a couple of issues I had dealt with of what was recommended but not really necessary, my choice, I expressed that I was not going to do either. I did not see the need and it is final. It is okay to do that. Stating that and perhaps the frustration I felt while making my point and sharing with her, it was said by her that she sensed an attitude. I can see that but isn’t that part of all this, too, to work through?
An attitude? Of course, being one that takes things to heart, that stuck with me. Offended somewhat but also questioning if I was wrong for standing up for myself and in my decisions. I have a right to speak up for me. While I knew she did not say that to be hurtful but it was her observation.
As a child and teenage years, I was silent. When I became older, an adult, I felt more alive and was more vocal, which is needed with independence. My confidence was better and finding who I was in life. I was me. A person that was more assured of herself and enjoying the new-found me, having a say and making my own decisions. In knowing I was a Christian and trusted the Lord, I knew I was somebody also to Him.
While short-lived, not because of my faith in God but in people. Family was the worst. It was when I had to take control over my parents and make some decisions in healthcare, deaths, estates, etc., that I was ripped to spreads with words, opinions, lies and their attitudes. Of course, they were right, I was wrong. Exhausting. On top of all of that, too, my marriage took a hit. Afraid to even ask, what else? Trust me, there was more.
During this time, I backed off and lost my desire to 
vocalize much at all. I was done. I lost myself. Depressed. It was tending to my children, which was my main focus, our home to keep it standing and in repair and then my own health and well-being to stay alive. There were times, I felt I would be better off dead, as it would have been the easy way out of my misery but I held on for my boys.
Later, I did attempt to care for myself more and while slow steps, I was still moving forward. So now, being in counseling the last five years and growing, healing and basically finding myself once again, I feel and know I still have a voice. Sometimes it is like, I remember her, and it feels so good, as she is still in there. When my counselor said yesterday, I sense an attitude, I was taken aback. Am I to speak up for myself or not? Yes! Yes, I am. Even though her words made me stop in my tracks, I am right to 
have a say and I have a right to say NO. My boundaries.
I am not the same person that walked into my former counselor’s office five years ago, feeling crazy from life and struggling to live. I am stronger today and I have fought to be here. It feels pretty awesome, as I am moving forward.
While I want and we each need to speak up for ourselves, we can do that in a bold but pleasant way by not feeling and giving off the sense of we are all that and more. I did have to question myself on that as I do not want to come off as arrogant. I am just not going to sit back and not have a voice in what matters to me or for me. I matter. You matter, too.
I know I will discuss just this attitude matter with my counselor next week but writing through it helps, too. I can do that.
We all have issues we are working through in life, that’s just life. While we may exhibit a bad attitude at times, give yourself grace. Offer forgiveness, as needed, to others or even to yourself.
houses. I knew to never touch much less breathe on anything. What I did though was look at the beautiful homes we were in, imagine what it was like to live there. While we had a nice, clean home ourselves, it was my place to escape within my mind. I can still smell the Ivory bath soap and see the bathroom at Betty’s house. I can see the beautiful knick knacks and remember looking out the window in the side room to the back yard at Addie’s house. I was a good kid, I could entertain myself just within my thoughts. I had to in order to stay out of people’s way, including my mom. I was no bother.
Many times, I have noticed through the years that I would not call others, ask for help, etc,, and I am still that way. For instance, I have been given permission by my former counselor, in the past, and my present counselors to contact them, if needed. Each one, my comment is that I appreciate the offer but I did not and will not bother you and I don’t. The risk of rejection, of them having no time for me would only magnify the panic within me. In a situation at work, just yesterday, now I had to bother several and got a little more involved than usual. Perhaps that is me not being so independent, codependent, passive aggressive, etc., as I will take so much and then… Enough! Majority of the time, I will solve the issue and figure out how to rectify the problem for ease on me and all involved. As in this work situation, besides my time and a stress headache pounding on each heartbeat, I now have a solution and will put in place starting tomorrow. Done.
your sister and don’t make her cry. I heard that so often, as she did not really care to hold or even hear me. How sad. I have always felt and known I was an oops baby. To realize even back then, I was an imposition as a baby, a young girl, adult and still an almost retired lady, it kind of does something to you.
While I may have been an oops, an imposition, a bother, felt the abandonment in life, I know one thing for certain and that I am a child of God. I think I even knew it back then, too, but nobody to encourage me spiritually. I know that He does not make mistakes. I am not a mistake. I know that He loves me. I am loved and 
lovable. The ‘I Am’ statements are not just off the wall and flippant but necessary and truth behind each one. It has taken me years to truly grasp His Love for me. It’s when you know because you know. Joy!
The other day, working and running from one appointment to another after leaving work early, in hopes that everyone needs to run on schedule as I had to. Three appointments, an hour each, everything worked perfectly. It was a good day, the stars all lined up, as they say.
dish although I have one on my desk that is open for guests to enjoy. I waited more, thinking the appointment my counselor was in would soon end and she would be rounding the corner to greet me. I waited, still. I wrote, texted, read, ate another mint and I could feel myself melt in the chair 
from tiredness of the early morning alarm and the busy day. I was now too tired to really talk, the clock was ticking away and I finally set my time that I would leave. I wrote a brief note and I left. I never do that either. Done. Goodbye.
counselor. Oh my gosh! The ‘OMG’ panic, fear and anger was missing. Whether I was too tired or was I just frustrated, I tried to figure out. Was it me? Did I forget or have the wrong day? Knowing this was an off day to meet due to a previous engagement, but we both agreed the week before and also confirmed in an e-mail days before. My mind tossed this and that as I drove away. Have I changed that much? Has there been a healing in this weak area of my life of fear of being left, rejected, forgotten? I even had to think of my relationship with her compared to my former counselor, is it me that I do not care enough for this counselor. I do care. There is a difference between them, of course, but that was not it either. This feeling of being forgotten before would not matter whom it was or situation.
the point that my time and that it is more valuable than being concerned with things I have no control over.
Just Pondering... 