Fear

Wish You Knew

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Today, as I had a freaky text about a purchase, I went searching to make sure our bank account was safe from theft. Definitely not needed right now with Christmas, nor anytime. It is a scary feeling and causes stress but anger to rise up of those that do this. Stop it!

In all that, I sat back and realized where I was and where I am now. By the Grace of God.

I remember back in 2015 or so discussing with my therapist some hopelessness felt due to debt. I caused most of it. I saw no way of escape. The hurdle was too much, as I expressed this with her.

While going to counseling for other issues, this was all mixed in there. We covered a lot of territory over four years together. I was clueless and in total denial of so much of my childhood and life. What an experience to have one lead me forward, opening my eyes and heart.

Childhood emotional neglect or abandonment (CEN) was high on her radar with me and with added research, it all made sense.

In life, the emotional turmoil can do harm. Just like my case in weight. Hid my emotions with food. Also, spending money and purchasing items. Hiding emotions in the new stuff. Only to crash down when the monthly bills arrive and amount rises while interest causes a huge amount to keep raising the payoff. Over and over, a cycle. Despair.

Thankfully, I came to the point of acknowledging my downfall, understanding myself and started correcting my careless ways and thinking.

While it did not happen overnight of being out of debt, it came and it became fun to see the amounts dwindle down. Many prayers of Lord help me. Taking control of my life made everything come together.

No matter where we struggle, we can struggle our way out, in time. It brings hope and feeling proud of yourself in just the small steps that soon become huge.

I no longer see this therapist but sometimes I would love to tell her of the outcome. It was with her help of seeing the junk in me to rid the junk that I thought I needed in life. I am still making strides but nowhere where I once was.

One Step Today to a Better Tomorrow.

So, with me sharing, I don’t know what you might be struggling with today or have been. Get down to the root of the problem and make small changes here and there. It adds up.

As for counseling, go. I hope you have one that was as beneficial to me.

What If?

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Make them stop! What if this. What if that. Just what if….

We never know the what if even though the question consume our mind at times. We deal with it and keep moving forward to figure it all out. Most of the time, the worry of what if was useless. We still do it.

Here I am facing surgery in less than two weeks. So much to do and prepare. Will I succeed in conquering everything, I wonder. It even comes to the point, if I do, great and if I don’t, oh well.

It’s crazy how our thoughts bombard our mind and place fear. Of course, surgery is serious and it is normal to feel anxiety and even fear. Even tonight, as my mind goes here and there, the BIG question, what if I die?

That also is a normal response. What if? Well, I realized there are things I need to get done or want to do and so on. It won’t matter. The constant ‘to do’ list in my daily life will not exist. I have to be honest, there was somewhat of a relief in that brief moment. It was a good thing, as fear left. It will not matter one little bit. Of course, others will need to take care of my leftovers but that’s normal, too.

So I get done what I can before surgery and what I don’t get finished or tended to, I will pick up after I am healed enough to do so and keep on enjoying life.

It’s nice to put the ‘what-ifs’ away. Worry adds nothing but additional stress.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

A Mother’s Guilt

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Does it ever end? I really was a good mother, the best I knew to be but I feel I failed in so many areas, too. Don’t we all though? The ‘if only’ I had known or could do over sometimes rolls over in my mind, even though they are grown adults. I needed more time with them to do this or that, teach them things that I overlooked and so much more. Time runs out.

A mother of toddlers and as they grow, it is exhausting but the best reward in life ever. It is not an easy job being a parent. Today, I wonder how the parents are relating and dealing with what is before their own children and family, as the world seems to be spiraling down to a deep despair of ungodliness.

I remember the time when my boys were old enough and to the age of puberty and here comes Clinton having office sex with his staff attorney, being discussed on tv. I felt I was at a loss. Now all the drag and pronouns and senseless behavior. It boggles my mind.

All I know to do is realize deep down and STOP the mental fight that I was a bad mom and did not do enough. My sons are doing quite well, but I know also I failed them in many ways. We learn. They learn. We all learned. Our parents did not do everything right either, I know mine did not. They did the best they could at the time. I must forgive them. I must forgive myself. To dwell in the depths of despair is useless and causes the rabbit hole of mental anguish to deepen.

What I can do today, from this point forward and each day is to be a better mom. To be me and know that they have a path to walk and to keep my eyes on the Lord, knowing and truly believing that He has prepared a path for them. They get to choose and make decisions. I have been out of the picture for a long while now, but I will always be a landing pad for them, if needed. They know that and they know, too, that I love them.

The guilt comes to all of us parents. It is the point of stopping the guilt and acknowledging that our prayers have been heard and that the Lord knows their name and He knows exactly where they are in life. Sometimes, we want to help the Lord. Just stop and let Him show them the way and that they be open enough to recognize the way. I did my job and probably you have, too, or are in the midst. Just because they are adults, they are still our children. Our way is not their way. We let go again and again. Let God.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

https://www.biblestudytools.com/bible-study/topical-studies/verses-to-pray-over-your-children.html