Stepping Out

4cc16ae2-9540-4633-a6d5-d7482f7288f2What am I doing?   It seems like everything is happening all at once and it is putting me to a place out of my comfort zone in many ways. Help me Jesus!

If this all falls into place, it will be a miracle, more ways than one.   How do I get myself in such quandaries?

The one part of me, knows I can pull this off and make it work and it will be nice and a great accomplishment.  Complete faith and trust in the Lord.  The other part that arises is FEAR hearing myself scream inside, ‘What is happening.’  Oh my!  The struggle is real. 85dcac31-8a3c-499e-aa14-86f842b494b2

I have dealt with fear all my life and even tonight I wanted to call a halt to it all.  I cannot do this.  I need to talk to my counselor but that won’t happen.  The points of I need, I want, the what if’s, the panic within balloons and wonder if I will pop from the anxiety.

It is at that point, I must bring it back in and realize I can do this, I can try and if I fail, the world will continue to carry on, I will still have a job, God will still love me, I will learn what to do or not to do next time, etc.  Life goes on!

bible verses about stepping out in faith Lovely Bible Study How to Step Out of Your fort Zone in YourStepping out and putting my feet in the water is overwhelming but I either go forward or remain stuck.  I’m tired of being stuck.

Somebody push me!

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Now What?

Handwritten Holiday, Christmas card with hand drawn, textured snowflakes.My extended time away from work is something I always look forward to at this time of the year, the holiday rush is over and time to do and go as I please but came to an abrupt halt the night of Christmas.  Not what I want to deal with.

It is totally apparent moreso that we have inherited the head role of  my husband’s family.  Due to his parents’ ages and medical situation and inability to carry on the family meals with holidays, I now do each holiday meals and have for the past few years.  I manage but yet again realized the other night that I would rather bake desserts than prepare meals.  Always did and I think that is a trait of my paternal grandmother.  Meal was complete and very little leftovers so I apparently succeeded or maybe did not make enough.

Then the call of a panicked brother-in-law, after leaving hours before, while we were having our Christmas time with our children at the end of the day, finally with the other family members gone.  As we were unwrapping gifts, talking and laughing, my husband’s cell phone rings.  We all held our breath thinking an accident of some sort with the aging parents, as we could vaguely hear the voice on the phone.  Something was wrong.

No, it was about him.  Sadly, we all relaxed knowing it was just him and typical drama.  The younger brother, although in his late forties, who is often missing in action unless family dinners for Easter, Thanksgiving or Christmas.  Plus enabled by his mother, I feel, which we already know will not help matters later.

AEB7E511-C684-4701-947C-0244134F32BFThe story has it, he was beat up and his eye is proof enough when kicked out of his rented space in a house by family members visiting, one just out of prison.  He now needs a place to lay his head.  Guess where?  Our house.  Just for one night I was told.  I believed that like knowing the Readers Digest people are coming to my front door with millions of dollars in sweepstakes.

I brace myself and accept the fact we need to help.  I do have a heart.  Still, with this rough group of people, will they track him down and put us in danger.  His life is a whole other world than we hold.  One that we do not understand.

593682B2-1DEB-4502-B9AC-2E82BCA45328My time off.  My mind thinking of what to do, how to get through this and knowing my time off will be spent dealing with this issue (his issues).  I solve problems at my own time and expense.  I do know…. he will not get a house key.  If no key though, I am held hostage myself dealing with his schedule.  Not going to happen.  I become the bad person putting my foot down and setting boundaries.   If I permit a key, will I ever feel safe in my own home?  No!  Now what to do?

This grown man who really just works with whatever comes his way, no real job, no real life, no real desire to do anything, is now stuck in our spare bedroom.  I want to scream and I might yet.  Get a job!

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Maybe I forget my vacation days and just go back to work to be an example to him of just how this works.  When I leave, you leave.

Some will never change.  Enabling at its finest proven to be exactly what I expected.

Not here.  Done.  Get out.  Get a job.  Get a life.

Can Dreams be a Warning?

It’s early morning and I’m wide awake.  I’ll pay for this later.  Awakened either by a dream or a car driving up the road, I’m unsure but I think the dream.40B7C6BF-DD3E-47C8-9A7E-B7CDBE245C83

The dream though was of my husband, by all outward appearance, he is calm and pleasant although Asperger odd.  He was in a rage and when awoke, I could tell my heartbeat was faster than normal so it produced fear in me.  This happened about a week ago, too.  Interesting.

I try to pay attention to my dreams.  There was one I had thirteen times growing up but never understood why but I actually saw it play out right in front of my eyes. 28A158AF-DA56-4C0C-8963-788A00CB5C76Nothing bad really but the exact replay of the dream in real time.  How crazy is that?

Once I had two guys working for me to remodel our home.  The one, the dream showed him in an angered rage and pitching things out my attic window.  Soon after, just days, the second man whose craftsmanship was surperb told me that either the other guy goes or he would. Confirmation!  I let the other man go.  Just that simple

So dreams can help you but sometimes scare the daylights out of you.   Pay attention.A903F384-9082-4F9D-8A51-43A76F335DFC

Time will tell what is up with this rage within my husband, within my dreams.   Might be nothing but might be a warning.

 

Write to Heal

1B8A561F-D74F-48BF-BE5E-FB507F9A26BDYes, that title is correct. I write to heal and I also have a right to heal in my writing.

To journal, to blog, to do whatever to get your thoughts out of your mind, will help. Take time and do it.

BC48FDD7-557E-4DD8-8BE6-6DA5BD9E9E20While I write because it is therapeutic to me and many do, not for monetary gain, but for emotional clarity and healing.  Sometimes that just might be more beneficial.

The other night I read a blog and I felt discouraged afterward but, of course, I realized they were selling their F7610B60-0DAE-42C7-9FFA-5F07ACD0AE57site to help others blog and make money.  I understand that and while their points are legitimate in being a blogger. I will take what I can and learn from it but continue, as is, as I need healing and will grow from it, if just for me.

I am not going to stop because of their input and because of the discouragement felt, which I have done through life to accommodate others.

We all are on a journey.  Perhaps one day, somebody will  read something I wrote and will feel relieved that they are not alone.   To have that happen, knowing you are not alone; it is like a peace and from within them, hope comes alive.

So write from your heart, blog, journal, draw, just be creative to see the words or artwork be displayed in front of your eyes from your fingertips to express what is on your mind and felt within.  Your mind will be less full of the chaos and your body less stressed from carrying it around.

Be free, heal and share.

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Grip of Fear

Fear is no stranger to me or me of it.  Always lurking around ready to attach and bring me down.  

I have done so well lately, well a few days, but at one point while at work this afternoon, it hit.  The panic starts and questions roll within my mind of the what if’s.   At the time, I was thinking about counseling, my counselor.  Today is a Monday, my usual day to meet with my counselor as we have for years so it seemed appropriate that it happen today. My routine has been disrupted and I still feel lost by not going.

While she is on a leave of absence, perhaps six months or maybe longer, my mind zips to when she will return.  Will she call me?  Will I be invited back?  Am I anybody to her now?  The questions continue and bombard my mind and my body is reacting in panic of what if she doesn’t, you are nobody, it’s over, and so on.  

While all of this seems to last forever, it did not.  I was able to recognize what was happening, remembering her advice and direction, realizing I was feeling tired and overwhelmed with my work and how my body was frozen and feeling a sense of doom. All of this just added further chaos to my busy day, but I was happy I did not stay there.  


The hopelessness and tightness in my body was evident.  What am I going to do?  How am I going to make it?  I miss her.  I need her.  Oh my God, help me.  Panic!

Fear is torment no matter how it comes or what about.

Understanding and control finally took over and I continued with my work.  Considering the grip it had at the time, I decided to write.

Again, I have done so well the past few days and adjusting of our sessions no longer happening, knowing I still have attachment issues and feel the abandonment in this relationship, but I know I must go forward and I will. Hopefully, in a more healthier way than with past relationships. I’m still learning, growing and healing.

Whether I am called back if or when she starts counseling again, I don’t know, time will tell. It would hurt me deeply if not and I don’t know how I will respond, if so, but silently cry many tears and write more.

While it would be nice to know and hear from her, I realize boundaries are in tact in our counselor/client relationship, so I patiently wait. I care for her and I pray for her.

When the fear comes, and it will, no matter what form, all you can do is try to get a grip.

 

Abandonment

The overwhelming panic that occurs within seems uncontrollable for minutes on end.   Finally, a calmness comes but at the moment, it feels as though my world is crumbling all around me.   I freeze in a state of panic.B0573495-F515-4206-9F85-C607EBDC63A8

Never realizing of all my life until a wise counselor brought this to my attention in the last few years.  The attachment issues for some, usually mother figures, which ends in loss.  Whether our paths no longer cross and the painful loss dwindles.  It comes in many forms but each one brings abandonment.   Yet again, I feel this deep within with the loss of my Counselor being on medical leave.

Really, will she return, I ask myself?  Will she even acknowledge me if and when she does?  Perhaps I caused this but knowing, I don’t have enough power to do that, to lose her whole practice with clients, so that eases my mind.  How can she do this to me? Knowing that is a selfish though but normal.  I do care for her well-being but, you left me.  These thoughts and fears roll over in my mind daily if not more, trying to cope in life.  If people only knew the craziness of it all within me, they would be shocked.   I have to be cool but I am not   Guess that is where my actress skills with my mask comes in handy.

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So today, I pondered the ‘root’ of this abandonment within my life.  It is a childhood issue.  Most adult problems are childhood issues.   Now, I want to know when, where and why this developed within me.  What major loss caused me to deal with this pain throughout my life and still, over and over again.

This leave of absence of hers has put me in anxiety, like never before.   There are a lot of loose ends that are dangling, that causes me chaos.  Many times we discussed this dangling in our sessions with various topics.  Now, a BIG dangling area is before me with no hope.

0A79AC16-9E30-4FBF-8013-280372439DCBI have questions, I need her wise input, I need to discuss my feelings and emotions, I need to know that she understands where I am and can validate my feelings.  I need her!  All of this is left hanging in the balance while I sort through and remain numb and reaching out to hold on for dear life.   Help me!6CF60112-5953-4897-AB97-CD92508902A6

How can I not be angry at times?  At her, at God, at myself.  Here I go again but it feels a million times worse than the last time.  I’m older, I should be able to grasp and get my act together but at times I lose it.  It takes everything within me to hold it together.

Maybe I am at this point to get to the root of this problem. Maybe God displaced her to make me depend upon Him more.   I understand this but cannot help to feel anger even with that.   I learned a long time ago, that I can be angry with God and I can tell Him that.  I have.  It’s actually freeing.   He knows anyway.

The journey of healing is not easy but is worth it.   Oh Dear God, please open my eyes to see and understand where this root came from, to remove and to bring healing to my Spirit, Soul and Body.

If you have been following my blog, thank you.  While many of my writings are depressing, it is because it is.  This is a walk that is uncomfortable and brings vulnerability on my part to share.   Even so, it has helped me to write, tell my story and be heard even if in print.  Again, thank you.

One day maybe my counselor will read my blogs to see where I have been, where I am and one day where I will be.  I was blessed to have her in my life and I hope and pray for her daily.

Another Day…

0695DB02-8507-4EA4-8C56-F31467AE749AUsually the next part of that is, another dollar.  If only.   For me today, it is another load in the washer as I catch up on the household cleaning due to this ingenious idea of mine to join a class weeks ago.  Counting down, I have twelve days left.  Well until I start the next phase, clinicals.  Again, WTH was I thinking?

Being older and doing such and feeling the pressure like in high school, which I hated, in taking tests, I am and have been kicking myself.   Many don’t do well under pressure and I am one.  Just text me my low grade lady instructor so I can continue to kick myself and dig myself a hole, too.

E45F0D84-86E2-4286-A615-D0B128D78C7CSitting in the small class, it is a lot like I remember in high school.  There’s always one that is above the others. When she handed in her test paper, my mind went there.  I’m old enough to be her mother, all of them in fact.  Still, the horror of high school and feeling that same pressure, I went down and went down fast.  There were two questions, I totally knew the answers to but did not answer them correctly, for whatever reason.  Panic.  Others, too, but those two are rehearsed in my head causing me torment.  Make them stop!  FA59178F-7249-42DE-83CD-BEA329923D17

At this point, it is what it is.  To humor myself, especially with those two questions and answers, I wonder if the instructor while grading is thinking, WTH was she thinking.  I don’t know lady, I don’t know.

My umph is gone, my desire to get this class over and done with is sky high, unsure if I will pass or not.  Later on, will I be pleased of the torment and glad I stuck it out or will I still be kicking myself, thinking what in the world was I thinking I could do that?

Time will tell.  Just another day.