Winds Are Blowing

FB12F8C0-B7F0-4FA7-83ED-75D40CD61625As I listen to the winds blow outside for hours now, hearing creaks in this old house of mine, the clanging of my wind chimes, I am reminded of the winds that blow in our own lives.  With wind, there is no control, it’s going to blow and with each burst, in hopes the structures are able to sustain the force.

Many times through such storms, I have curled up in my chair listening to the force outside or feeling the force within me, wondering if either can stand through it all.  So many times I have thought or said, ‘Lord, calm the storm’ or ‘Peace. Be still.’

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Amazingly enough, we are stronger than we think we are.  Even if my house falls in the midst of the winds of the storm, He will be with me to rebuild.

It comes down to, for me anyway, that He will help me no matter what circumstances are before me.  I have to trust and have faith in that and mostly in Him.  I may struggle to get there for a bit… but I do.  As in most struggles and trials in life, the worst is when alone, at the midnight hour. ACEB5344-6FB1-417B-A354-0FAA1BF3D956

Lord, calm the chaotic winds within and around my very being so I can be a testimony of your faithfulness.

If you are facing storms in your own life, Trust Him. Easier said than done, I know, but He is our peace.

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Walls Up, Walls Down

Which is it?

There were many discussions through the past four years of discussing my life with my recent counselor of having my walls up.  For what I dealt with in life, rightfully so.  Was it right for each person in my life?  No.  Why take a chance until trust is built and still no guarantee hurt won’t come again.

9C514E57-818D-418E-80A8-7C1F2F882E9FAs we discussed the walls, I recognized I did just that.  Odds are, if everyone was honest, walls are present in many if not all lives.  How could there not be?  Life dishes out crap at times in situations and words said to us.  It hurts.

35EB0068-1190-434F-AAFE-6FC114CD6268Then, there are others that will talk about having your walls up as a good thing.  Talk about confusion.  Between my real-life conversation (walls down) and then hearing this (walls up), I could understand them both.  With that, I felt I had dyslexia, unsure which is right.

Depending upon the situation, they both are.

In my years as a client, we discussed a lot and this counselor knows some deep, soul wrenching parts of me that only God knows.  My walls were down.  I needed and also wanted help to understand me and she had the knowledge and expertise to do so.  I trusted her, I had to. Would I do it again?  Yes.  Probably now, moreso; wish I had more time with her. Now that our time is over, I did feel anger for doing so but if it had not been, I would not be where I am today.  Today, I am grateful.  Walls down.  God is doing a work within me.

Walking with a new friend recently, she probed into my life a little more than I liked of my marriage and depression from it.  Pretty bold of her, I thought. Using my words carefully, I gave her enough to calm the curiousity within her.  I was not comfortable in that situation and there will be a wall and general conversation from this point forward.  Walls up.

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Even last night with several of the church ladies for a small group, I knew of them only in passing.  This class is for healing of hurts and abuses. While I know what is said there, stays there, I could not be transparent.  My walls were up and I knew it, although I could encourage them and recognize their pain.

This past week has been an emotional roller coaster for me, and I had to question my walls.  I recognized and felt when they were up.  Right or wrong, they were there.  While they can protect, they can hinder.  Just knowing the difference.

No matter if my walls are up, down. half way or sometimes made of steel, the Lord knows my heart.  He knows my every emotion and fear that entangles my life of being hurt yet once again.

I owe no one fullness of me, unless I choose.  We have that choice. Like me or not, I may not you or trust.  God has given us discernment and we have a right to use it.

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Am I Right to Write?

34961F5B-2FF8-4A57-82A1-C06BD85311C0Still, after all of these weeks and months, I struggle in the area of grief missing my counselor in my life due to her medical leave of absence.  After four years of almost weekly or bi-weekly sessions, my routine has been distrupted.  Today, being Monday, I am still caught in the mix of missing my set appointment this afternoon and our fifty minutes or sometimes more of discussion.  I miss talking to her.
While seeing another counselor about my counselor and the abandonment felt, I know he is only temporary and I can deal with that.  The connection is not there although he is a joy to talk to.  The last session with him, we discussed the availability I have to contact her of which I do but I am always so hesitant.  I get so close to writing and then I delete my message, each and every time.  Today included.
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There is a risk of being hurt.  Not that she would be rude to me because I was told to keep her informed but my normal excuse is not to bother her.  Typical of childhood emotional neglect from what I have read.  I never want to bother anybody.  Even my temporary counselor, he gave me his private cell number but I told him that I will hold onto but will never use it and bother him.  I won’t.
It’s one of those moments of thinking and doing.  If I write, it shows I care and will brighten her day perhaps or if I write, it may be a bother and not be good.  Right or wrong thought pattern, I don’t know, as I go back and forth.  Who doesn’t like to know they are being thought of, right?  It comes down to fear, yet again in me.  E5461E46-3B27-4E72-9142-058106A065C9
Sometimes, I think about letting her know of my blog and she can read for herself of my walk through this torment of loneliness, attachment issues and abandonment felt.  I have no doubt that she knows I am dealing with all of this as she is a pretty smart cookie.  She knew me better than I knew myself in all of these years together, which is somewhat scary in itself.  Still, I hope that progress would be visible in my writing.  Hey, I haven’t cried today yet thinking about things or writing this.  Some days, that is a huge accomplishment, especially in the beginning.  Still, tears will fall.  A part of my life is gone.  Will it return and will it ever be the same?  Probably not.
Taking the risk always causes me to freeze in fear so my conclusion and questions within is always, am I right to write or not and can I handle the outcome?  Today, I still don’t know so I will continue on, as is.
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No Attendance?

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Have you ever signed up for something and later regret?  Partly, wanting to slap yourself for being so willing.

Even though in this case, I feel this was a huge step for me to make myself vulnerable and be a willing vessel.   Still, there is anxiousness within.

I signed up to hold a once a week, eight-week class. These are volunteer classes of topics that we feel comfortable sharing.  I have been through so much and I am here today so I feel I can share and encourage others to put their faith in the Lord.  Just knowing that you are not alone, going through something, can bring life and hope.

Honestly, part of me does not want people to sign up.  I’m scared. If just making myself open to do this class, is enough for me.  This was a big step for me.  I put my feet in the water as they say, to 1A922A6E-CDE3-4204-9F26-1033AC70F410test.  If this all comes about and people do sign up and show up, it will be the Lord leading and directing because I am nothing.  I am here because of Him.

To back out of, which I have tried and wanted to do many times, I did not feel like I should.  A step of faith for sure.

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Seasons of Life

For so many years, I mean like over a decade, my winter season felt as if I was dead and I was just drifting from day to day, year to year, with no hope in sight of change.  I will die just existing in the doldrums of life.
Finally getting enough energy to walk through my counselor’s door years ago to hear her say that I was almost dead, was no surprise to me.  I felt dead.  It was a last-ditch effort to get my life back by trusting her, from the many hurts and pull myself out of the isolation I allowed to overtake me.
While it it did not come immediate, each session brought light to my dark mind of insecurities and struggles of placing one foot in front of the other.  So many times, I have been thankful that our bodies (my body) has the ability to maintain itself when we give up.  Meaning, the heart beats on its own and the lungs breath in and out without being told to.  Otherwise, I don’t think I would be here and at this time in my life.  I had no energy to make it happen.
As we go through the actual seasons each year, our lives do, too.  As my Pastor will say, if you are not in a trial now, you are either coming out of one or you will be going into one.  My thought to myself each time he said that was ‘just great’ in a sarcastic tone.   It does not matter who you are or what you do, we are not exempt of struggles and we all experience seasons in our lives.
Being reminded of the seasons today in a post that I read, I realized I am not in the dead-winter season, as I once was, which felt good to grasp and realize that changes have happened within me.
While not in the lively spring season or the flourishing summer but perhaps in the transititioning autumn season and I am okay with that.  At times I catch a glimpse of the others and I get excited.  Thank God I am not where I was!
My mind constantly reminding me though, knowing winter will come again.  Those thoughts are just the enemy to destroy any joy. With that, I have a choice of having fear hit my mind or I can praise the Lord of where I am and be joyful.  I choose the latter, it feels good to be alive.
No matter what season you or I may be in today or tomorrow, the Lord is still with you/us.  In the winter months, the root system grows deep and He is allowing that in each of us as it comes.  Trusting Him to strengthen our faith and trust in Him to help others do the same.

Stepping Out

4cc16ae2-9540-4633-a6d5-d7482f7288f2What am I doing?   It seems like everything is happening all at once and it is putting me to a place out of my comfort zone in many ways. Help me Jesus!

If this all falls into place, it will be a miracle, more ways than one.   How do I get myself in such quandaries?

The one part of me, knows I can pull this off and make it work and it will be nice and a great accomplishment.  Complete faith and trust in the Lord.  The other part that arises is FEAR hearing myself scream inside, ‘What is happening.’  Oh my!  The struggle is real. 85dcac31-8a3c-499e-aa14-86f842b494b2

I have dealt with fear all my life and even tonight I wanted to call a halt to it all.  I cannot do this.  I need to talk to my counselor but that won’t happen.  The points of I need, I want, the what if’s, the panic within balloons and wonder if I will pop from the anxiety.

It is at that point, I must bring it back in and realize I can do this, I can try and if I fail, the world will continue to carry on, I will still have a job, God will still love me, I will learn what to do or not to do next time, etc.  Life goes on!

bible verses about stepping out in faith Lovely Bible Study How to Step Out of Your fort Zone in YourStepping out and putting my feet in the water is overwhelming but I either go forward or remain stuck.  I’m tired of being stuck.

Somebody push me!

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Now What?

Handwritten Holiday, Christmas card with hand drawn, textured snowflakes.My extended time away from work is something I always look forward to at this time of the year, the holiday rush is over and time to do and go as I please but came to an abrupt halt the night of Christmas.  Not what I want to deal with.

It is totally apparent moreso that we have inherited the head role of  my husband’s family.  Due to his parents’ ages and medical situation and inability to carry on the family meals with holidays, I now do each holiday meals and have for the past few years.  I manage but yet again realized the other night that I would rather bake desserts than prepare meals.  Always did and I think that is a trait of my paternal grandmother.  Meal was complete and very little leftovers so I apparently succeeded or maybe did not make enough.

Then the call of a panicked brother-in-law, after leaving hours before, while we were having our Christmas time with our children at the end of the day, finally with the other family members gone.  As we were unwrapping gifts, talking and laughing, my husband’s cell phone rings.  We all held our breath thinking an accident of some sort with the aging parents, as we could vaguely hear the voice on the phone.  Something was wrong.

No, it was about him.  Sadly, we all relaxed knowing it was just him and typical drama.  The younger brother, although in his late forties, who is often missing in action unless family dinners for Easter, Thanksgiving or Christmas.  Plus enabled by his mother, I feel, which we already know will not help matters later.

AEB7E511-C684-4701-947C-0244134F32BFThe story has it, he was beat up and his eye is proof enough when kicked out of his rented space in a house by family members visiting, one just out of prison.  He now needs a place to lay his head.  Guess where?  Our house.  Just for one night I was told.  I believed that like knowing the Readers Digest people are coming to my front door with millions of dollars in sweepstakes.

I brace myself and accept the fact we need to help.  I do have a heart.  Still, with this rough group of people, will they track him down and put us in danger.  His life is a whole other world than we hold.  One that we do not understand.

593682B2-1DEB-4502-B9AC-2E82BCA45328My time off.  My mind thinking of what to do, how to get through this and knowing my time off will be spent dealing with this issue (his issues).  I solve problems at my own time and expense.  I do know…. he will not get a house key.  If no key though, I am held hostage myself dealing with his schedule.  Not going to happen.  I become the bad person putting my foot down and setting boundaries.   If I permit a key, will I ever feel safe in my own home?  No!  Now what to do?

This grown man who really just works with whatever comes his way, no real job, no real life, no real desire to do anything, is now stuck in our spare bedroom.  I want to scream and I might yet.  Get a job!

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Maybe I forget my vacation days and just go back to work to be an example to him of just how this works.  When I leave, you leave.

Some will never change.  Enabling at its finest proven to be exactly what I expected.

Not here.  Done.  Get out.  Get a job.  Get a life.