Emotions – Page 49 – Just Pondering…

Change on a Dime

February 22, 2019February 22, 2019ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

Funny how things can change on a dime, as they say. This day was going so well. The sun was shining, my list of things to do being crossed off and everything was lining up and running like clockwork. I was happy and ready to have some fun with a few days off work.

In a few short hours, it was the day I dreaded. Driving over the back roads with my sister to go to dinner and a movie, I pass my counselor’s office who has been on medical leave. Her signage has been removed and my heart just drops.

I knew one day that this was a possibility but never hoping it would. I had to pick up a prescription on our way and in just that short distance, the emotions within me could not be contained. Basically, a death has occurred in my life. Flip flop from sadness to anger and back again.

Grief is such a pain, whether for the dead or the living, it sucks. No movie, no dinner, no interest anymore. Done.

So many questions, so many loose ends but…

Etched In My Brain

February 13, 2019February 13, 2019ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

So many instances in my life and I am sure of yours, there are moments that are like they happened yesterday. You can feel what you felt at the moment, see the place you were at the atmosphere around you and remember the words said, as if was all frozen in time.

I was thinking of this comment made to me months ago, while driving to work this morning, I did just that. The words said meant the world to me and re-living that moment, hearing them, knowing where I was, seeing the surroundings and feeling the gasp within as I heard the words on the other end of the telephone. I did the same this morning, I gasped as in being frozen because I remembered everything exactly as it was said, my posture, etc., because I did not want to forget and I haven’t.

While pondering this moment in time, I thought of other verbal comments made to me throughout my lifetime and, of course, some of those words were not as kind and forgiving, but I do freeze as if the words are being etched in my brain forever.

The words, “I care for you and I love you” were said on that day and I believe in all sincerity. I have had to repeat them over and over to myself since because of the sadness and grief feeling I have experienced since that day. Just dwelling on them this morning and recalling the memory, I am thankful I can remember the details. It has helped me cope with the separation in our relationship.

What we say to others just might be the spark of hope they need to hold on to, as these words are for me. Without saying, and as I previously mentioned, this can also include negative but let’s focus on the positive and lift up others. Let others know you care. We never know what the next person whether friend, family or a complete stranger is going through. Sadly, it just might be the last time you see them or associate with them and this lasting memory will be etched in their brain, as these words in mine and bring hope.

Seasons of Life

January 23, 2019January 23, 2019ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

For so many years, I mean like over a decade, my winter season felt as if I was dead and I was just drifting from day to day, year to year, with no hope in sight of change. I will die just existing in the doldrums of life.

Finally getting enough energy to walk through my counselor’s door years ago to hear her say that I was almost dead, was no surprise to me. I felt dead. It was a last-ditch effort to get my life back by trusting her, from the many hurts and pull myself out of the isolation I allowed to overtake me.

While it it did not come immediate, each session brought light to my dark mind of insecurities and struggles of placing one foot in front of the other. So many times, I have been thankful that our bodies (my body) has the ability to maintain itself when we give up. Meaning, the heart beats on its own and the lungs breath in and out without being told to. Otherwise, I don’t think I would be here and at this time in my life. I had no energy to make it happen.

As we go through the actual seasons each year, our lives do, too. As my Pastor will say, if you are not in a trial now, you are either coming out of one or you will be going into one. My thought to myself each time he said that was ‘just great’ in a sarcastic tone. It does not matter who you are or what you do, we are not exempt of struggles and we all experience seasons in our lives.

Being reminded of the seasons today in a post that I read, I realized I am not in the dead-winter season, as I once was, which felt good to grasp and realize that changes have happened within me.

While not in the lively spring season or the flourishing summer but perhaps in the transititioning autumn season and I am okay with that. At times I catch a glimpse of the others and I get excited. Thank God I am not where I was!

My mind constantly reminding me though, knowing winter will come again. Those thoughts are just the enemy to destroy any joy. With that, I have a choice of having fear hit my mind or I can praise the Lord of where I am and be joyful. I choose the latter, it feels good to be alive.

No matter what season you or I may be in today or tomorrow, the Lord is still with you/us. In the winter months, the root system grows deep and He is allowing that in each of us as it comes. Trusting Him to strengthen our faith and trust in Him to help others do the same.