Overwhelmed

Changes Change Me

ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

Everything runs like clockwork and then it all goes haywire.

Many do not like changes and I am definitely one. It’s not that I am like that in all areas but in certain ones, I am. It throws me for a loop.

It seems like everything in the world has been tossed. Perhaps this has caused many of the changes. It is not always a bad thing.

I realized that this one office I have gone to for over a year, her process and routine has changed. New office worker where there was none. Less time with the practitioner. An uneasiness but I thought I was dealing with it all when I realized I am not. Less appointments and no desire to go. I do have an upcoming appointment, which will help me know what I plan to do.

The last six months, there have been changes at work. I adapted and handling but not without struggle. I had everything running like a well -oiled machine after fourteen years.

I’m too old for change. I thought I was too old for temper tantrums. The rebelliousness within me often hit the wall with disapproval. I wanted to quit.

As I felt I managed and on my way to keep things running smoothly, today I find we have more changes. If these tasks did not end on my lap, I could probably brush it off. I again am hitting the wall.

I have three years until retirement. I don’t know if I can make it was my thought today. The willingness to throw up my hands and forget it all was a very strong thought and desire. Maybe I will find another job. I love my job, except for the changes. Leave well enough alone. Will tomorrow be a better day to cope and tackle this task? Time will tell.

Changes do change me. I see my weak spots in my life, which can discourage me for a bit, but I also see that I am well capable of solving and making our office maintain its efficiency.

Time will definitely tell. Wish me luck!

Let The Lord

ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

Many, many years ago, I had a friend since childhood but we lost touch but then reconnected. She has known me for years and my family, growing up. For a long time, we walked and enjoyed the time together talking and laughing.

Then it came a point I became overwhelmed basically with two toddlers and elderly parents. We lost one another again.

Later, my children were older and my mother had passed. We walked, but seldom. It was after my father passing, being an Administrator of the estate, the greed and claws come out of various family members.

No matter what I did, it was wrong. There is always one or in my case two that can stir up issues. These two seemed to find all my friends or those that knew our family and if anyone would listen, they rip me apart.

I am sure some saw through the talk and stirring up strife they caused but I gave up.

Thinking I could go to each one and share my side of the story was overwhelming. I was emotionally drained and added grief of not only losing my parents, but my friends. Now, who to trust was my dilemma.

My conclusion was that if those that listened and believed the one side, where they really friends anyway? Could I fight through and push the truth? Sure. Why though?

Sometimes there are those that need to talk and feel as the victim. If only the others knew my side and the stories I could share. Let it go. Easy? No!

I had to hold onto the words, let the Lord fight my battles and trust Him. Easy? No! I had to!

Just this weekend, I invited my walking friend to a home party I am having with a note that I miss her. Today, I have not had a reply. Will she come? I don’t know but I opened the door to welcome her. Or will it open up the door to the words spoken against me?

Again, I let the Lord fight by battles. What happened, what was said and still, the harm done, etc., is the past. I cannot do a thing about it or erase.

I’ve been ripped to shreds BUT GOD.

Sadly, this happens quite a bit in families with an estate.

Sometimes God will fight the actual battle through you, other times He will simply tell you to hold your position and do absolutely nothing, and then He will move Himself to completely take out the attack coming against you. This is where God shows you how powerful and how awesome He really is when He moves into battle to personally protect you.

https://www.bible-knowledge.com/god-will-fight-your-battles/

Dread and Disappointment

ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

I am one of the biggest procrastinators ever. Do you ever deal with putting things off and just dread certain things? I should win an award.

I do believe it is just the fact of being overwhelmed, not sure how to start, wondering if I will finish and all the mess in between. So, I do nothing. Then, I get discouraged and am disappointed at myself. A spiraling rabbit hole of despair. Ugh!

Just the other day, Sunday morning, I have been working on a project, for weeks. I would start and be ready to get it done. Not a chance, as other stuff happens and in this case the heat, sun and humidity take its toll on me. I try again, but the same. My husband made a comment asking if I wanted him to bring in my yard tools and rolling garden stool. I knew it was getting to him, although it was nice of him to ask. My reply, no I’ll finish but I will wait until a morning when it is cooler and shaded. I could almost read his mind; she is not a morning person, and this will never get done.

Sadly, trying to do just that, finding a good morning to work outside when not going to my office to work, means another weekend. I was overwhelmed, frustrated and just not into it. A slight, adult temper tantrum, I don’t want to do it.

There are times I just want to stay in bed, cover my head and ignore stuff like this. I can’t! I realize when this happens, I feel a bout of depression enter. I have felt just that, recently. I do not want depression latched upon me but so disappointed in myself. Besides the yard task I started, I have other areas inside the house to do, my work, taking time to write on my book, upcoming knee surgery, etc., that is weighing on me. Screaming within, I cannot do it all.

Recognizing and to acknowledge what is holding me back does help. It is then you do one thing at a time, I have learned over the years. There is a quote on my bulletin-board at work, it has been there now for fourteen years, “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.” It is funny and sounds easy enough, right? Still, it can be overwhelming. An elephant is huge, I cannot do that, so even with the elephant in my thoughts, I feel overwhelmed.

In all of this and what is before me, that morning I was up early. Typical, as the cats will annoy me until fed, but I crawled back in bed afterward. Knowing full well the temperature was perfect outside, and the flower garden area was in the shade. No! I want to sleep. I laid there but there was no sleep. I pondered what all I needed from the garage to finish this task. Ugh was my thought. The fight within.

I got up and got dressed to work outside, gathered the weed eater, blower, a bucket holding other items needed. Off I went, lowering items down from my deck. Knowing full well, everything I took down along with what was already there plus now having three garbage bags of pulled weeds and thinned out plants had to be brought back up to the garage. I needed it all done and I wanted it done. Can I do it? Focus. Focus. One bite at a time.

All of this time, it has taken me weeks to finish, and I did in forty-five minutes. Done! Everything is back in its rightful place. How did that happen so easy? Why did I put this chore off? I tormented myself basically.

Now comes the place where I kick myself because it took so long to finish. Still, there is an excitement within. I did it! It’s done! An accomplishment made, which makes for a good day.

Just small hurdles as such can encourage yourself that you can do it. The push within, a bite here and a bite there, soon it is over and done. The old discouragement and depression that was weighing on me is not as heavy right now. I can conquer the world. Well, that might be extreme but a reminder that we have to trudge through the stuff we don’t want to do in order to get what and where we want. This flower garden will be beautiful soon and it will be a reminder that I can do anything I set my mind to and not allow depression to take root. This or whatever.

Hopefully, knowing I deal with procrastination, discouragement, disappointment and depression, it will help you know you that are not alone. Just knowing others experience the same, it has been helpful to me in past years. I’m not alone. You are not alone. We all have things that tend to bog us down or we must deal with but the inner child within us wants to throw a fit.

Now, get up and do something that you have been putting off, if just a small thing. It all adds up.

I did all that just this past Sunday morning, time to write this blog and get ready for church plus go a graduation party. I felt it was going to be a good day.

Now that the day is behind me, it was a good day. I felt proud of myself. Celebration!

Psalm 20:4

“May he give you the desire of your heart
    and make all your plans succeed.”

2 Chronicles 15:7

“But as for you, be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded.”