Memories

It’s Us

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It’s Us!

Not You, it’s You and Not Me, it’s Me. It’s Us.

This may not make sense to anyone but me. I have come a far distance and it feels good and feels right. Time does make a difference. Healing within and understanding of oneself is liberating. Is my life perfect and have it all together? Not a chance.

It is knowing I am not where I once was and I am still evolving.

One day, which is the next step, I will see my former therapist of four years. Her leaving due to medical reasons and not formally telling me, I was at a loss, her office sign is down and is no more, in 2018. My world was rocked off its axis.

Dealing with abandonment prior to her leave, then experiencing full-blown abandonment, as a true, full-blown assignment, my heart was broken. Anger ripped my insides up while tears flowed on the outside. The question I repeatedly said, was one word, WHY?

Of course, it was medical but why not personally touch base. This ‘why’ screamed within me for years.

It has since silenced. It’s not that important anymore. How is that? I still don’t know the why. There’s a peace and I like it.

Time does in fact heal. Forgiveness of the other but also of oneself is freedom, no matter what situation.

All the negative feelings and thoughts have subsided and it is kind of shocking. How will I react when we do meet while shopping or in public I often wonder.

It would be nice to see her and hug her. I’m forever thankful for our times together years ago but I want this to be a coming together somehow on the same ground level as friends. Not her as my therapist or me as her client. That is no more. It’s Us. Funny, I think she would understand this of me, as she was good like that.

That’s the next step, our running into each other. I would like that.

Again, Time!

A Glimpse

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This week, we were all saddened by the passing of a country music legend, Loretta Lynn. The best! I grew up listening to her, as many of us have.

Remembering back many, many years ago, I used to travel with a gospel music group on their old, Greyhound bus. The first time, before I got on the bus, I was so excited and said, ‘Now I know how Loretta Lynn feels.’

Of course, that was such a slight glimpse into her life but for a brief few seconds, I did. A moment never forgotten.

As a tribute to Loretta Lynn, I write this. When I was told by my son, she had died, tears came.

I did not know her personally or did she know me, but the fact that she was a part of my whole life, plus a link to my mom, hearing her music together, a link to the bus rides with my sweet friends, of those that are all no longer living, I was sad. A grief all balled up within that leaked out.

Rest In Peace, sweet Loretta.

A Mother’s Guilt

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Does it ever end? I really was a good mother, the best I knew to be but I feel I failed in so many areas, too. Don’t we all though? The ‘if only’ I had known or could do over sometimes rolls over in my mind, even though they are grown adults. I needed more time with them to do this or that, teach them things that I overlooked and so much more. Time runs out.

A mother of toddlers and as they grow, it is exhausting but the best reward in life ever. It is not an easy job being a parent. Today, I wonder how the parents are relating and dealing with what is before their own children and family, as the world seems to be spiraling down to a deep despair of ungodliness.

I remember the time when my boys were old enough and to the age of puberty and here comes Clinton having office sex with his staff attorney, being discussed on tv. I felt I was at a loss. Now all the drag and pronouns and senseless behavior. It boggles my mind.

All I know to do is realize deep down and STOP the mental fight that I was a bad mom and did not do enough. My sons are doing quite well, but I know also I failed them in many ways. We learn. They learn. We all learned. Our parents did not do everything right either, I know mine did not. They did the best they could at the time. I must forgive them. I must forgive myself. To dwell in the depths of despair is useless and causes the rabbit hole of mental anguish to deepen.

What I can do today, from this point forward and each day is to be a better mom. To be me and know that they have a path to walk and to keep my eyes on the Lord, knowing and truly believing that He has prepared a path for them. They get to choose and make decisions. I have been out of the picture for a long while now, but I will always be a landing pad for them, if needed. They know that and they know, too, that I love them.

The guilt comes to all of us parents. It is the point of stopping the guilt and acknowledging that our prayers have been heard and that the Lord knows their name and He knows exactly where they are in life. Sometimes, we want to help the Lord. Just stop and let Him show them the way and that they be open enough to recognize the way. I did my job and probably you have, too, or are in the midst. Just because they are adults, they are still our children. Our way is not their way. We let go again and again. Let God.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

https://www.biblestudytools.com/bible-study/topical-studies/verses-to-pray-over-your-children.html