Grace – Page 2 – Just Pondering…

It’s Us

December 17, 2022December 17, 2022ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

It’s Us!

Not You, it’s You and Not Me, it’s Me. It’s Us.

This may not make sense to anyone but me. I have come a far distance and it feels good and feels right. Time does make a difference. Healing within and understanding of oneself is liberating. Is my life perfect and have it all together? Not a chance.

It is knowing I am not where I once was and I am still evolving.

One day, which is the next step, I will see my former therapist of four years. Her leaving due to medical reasons and not formally telling me, I was at a loss, her office sign is down and is no more, in 2018. My world was rocked off its axis.

Dealing with abandonment prior to her leave, then experiencing full-blown abandonment, as a true, full-blown assignment, my heart was broken. Anger ripped my insides up while tears flowed on the outside. The question I repeatedly said, was one word, WHY?

Of course, it was medical but why not personally touch base. This ‘why’ screamed within me for years.

It has since silenced. It’s not that important anymore. How is that? I still don’t know the why. There’s a peace and I like it.

Time does in fact heal. Forgiveness of the other but also of oneself is freedom, no matter what situation.

All the negative feelings and thoughts have subsided and it is kind of shocking. How will I react when we do meet while shopping or in public I often wonder.

It would be nice to see her and hug her. I’m forever thankful for our times together years ago but I want this to be a coming together somehow on the same ground level as friends. Not her as my therapist or me as her client. That is no more. It’s Us. Funny, I think she would understand this of me, as she was good like that.

That’s the next step, our running into each other. I would like that.

Again, Time!

Timeline & Tears

August 10, 2020April 29, 2022ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

Many years ago, well back in 2014-15 actually, which seems like forever ago, my counselor then had me do a timeline of my age, as early as I could remember. I do remember a lot, even as far back of holding a cold glass baby bottle of milk in my hands. Why would they give toddlers glass baby bottles? Yes, I am old and thankfully we have come a long way. Still today, if I do drink really cold milk in a glass, it takes me back to that time. Perhaps it was hot, and the coldness was refreshing for me as a very young little girl.

Memories can pop up in the feel as a cold glass of milk, a smell of a perfume or the aroma of a cigarette reminding me of a Dutch Masters cigar, my dad would smoke, just out of the blue, perhaps a sound of a old song often heard growing up or just feeling the breeze blowing and going back in time. It’s fun and nice as well as relaxing, like a mini vacation by taking in that moment of time.

Of course, there are always those other times and memories that we would rather forget.

In the good and even the bad, it brought us to where we are today.

So with the timeline she had me do, I started another recently, as I need some further clarification of my past. Connecting the dots, as they say.

4682BC64-8BD3-4E45-AE94-CB93BB6CF8FE Crazy enough, I have kept a lot of my planners and journals throughout my life. I always felt I needed to. Perhaps this is the time, for that very reason. It sounds like I am a hoarder but I am not, as I do not like clutter. I do know how to organize though and how to make space more efficient.

As I go through my papers and now file by year, breaking down my path, it has made those memories of certain years bring up emotions within me. The other day, it was anger. Today, grief was at an all-time high. I know all of this would not be a surprise to my former counselor, but we just did not get to this place and time together.

I try not to read my notes too much but just the dates in order to file for the timeline. Sometimes I do read a bit here and there and it takes me down a rabbit hole of despair and depression. I can’t go there yet. Today, just the dates in my planners brought up memories, as if they were yesterday. I really don’t know how I handled everything in 1995, mind-boggling, as my life seemed to take a twist and a turn that I blindly walked. There is a purpose in this madness but this is only a step forward, as I know timing is everything.

Spending a little bit of time here and there going through my years of memories written down, I am not constantly putting myself through torment. I can walk away for a day or so to process what I did read. If I need a break, more than a few days, months, or years after today. It’s okay!

At times though, just in the brief time already, it felt like I was digging in the trenches and the mud is covering me and keeping me stuck. Although, I feel the sun shining upon me also, giving me joy and hope. A mix of it all but moving forward with answers and hopefully healing within.

There is a purpose and a plan with it all, always has been, and it will by the Grace of God, come into fruition. Through it all, He knew my name and He always knew where I was. That was my hope then, now and the tomorrows before me. In the end, the Lord will get the glory of what He has done and is doing in my life.

While this is my timeline, you have one, too! He has a plan and a purpose for each of us. We my detour but even with that, He will get us to where we are to be.

If God places a desire in your heart then it’s a part of his plan, which means he has plans for it. … He will give you his plans to accomplish the desire that he has placed in your heart.

Just a Note…

March 7, 2020ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

As I was getting ready for work on Friday morning, I heard the text tone I set for my son come through on my phone, which startled me. This child of mine, is not a morning person. Of course, I read the gif shown (Just sending u a note to say… I love you), and was so pleasantly surprised. I was happy, and it was a great start to my day.

I try to give each of my sons their space, as they need to figure life out plus they are adults. Mom is not as important anymore although I know they love me and they know that I would drop whatever I was doing and be with them, if needed.

Knowing this past week, I was starting to really miss them and honestly felt forgotten, not needed, etc. You know, those pity-party mom moments. So to receive his text was needed more than he will ever know, even though I did respond back to him of my appreciation and love.

In our daily lives, we all need encouragement if even from a stranger in a smile. It may be the only smile we get. Or even a touch, or a pat on the arm in a conversation. It might be the only touch we get. Never to forget, we can and are to do the same. A smile costs nothing but can mean more than money, it brings hope that someone cared enough to do just that small act of kindness.

In a recent situation, I had hoped to get just an ‘I’m proud of you’ from one, which would have meant the world to me, to read and re-read those words written back in response to an email. Nothing. I was so disappointed and sad as I sometimes let the negative thoughts roll in my mind. I know not to dwell there but I do at times. Thoughts of I guess they really don’t care, I am forgotten, etc. Again, a pity-party moment or two. It’s okay and we all do it but just don’t stay there. Just be proud of yourself!

Have you ever had somebody comment on a pretty top or some type of clothing you were wearing? Sure you have. Perhaps I am one to think too much in those instances. Yes, my top is pretty but thinking do I look nice with it on. Take it a step further and being truthful by just saying 0D91556A-9B2C-41B0-A1A1-DB9014E5FEF2 ‘you look nice today’ instead of just complimenting the piece of clothing. It changes the whole outlook. Instead of leaving the one questioning do I look nice or not, it might be the only compliment they receive or have received. Watch how they beam and their shoulders are more upright, as you just made that person’s day. Pay attention to yourself when told the same, you look nice today.

With this compliment, some will be shocked and not know what to say. Yes, they should say, thank you, but they were caught off guard, not expecting or have not received many compliments. Don’t take offense, if not thanked, just let the one receive and enjoy your kind words. I have had this said at times and then the one saying I looked nice, then say to me, ‘say ‘thank you.’ While I understand the politeness of saying thank you, it tends to cancel out the you look nice compliment, as now you are correcting me and I am now stuck on that instead of how nice I thought I looked. Make sense? Perhaps just me overthinking. In time though, as confidence builds in oneself, the words ‘Thank You’ will follow. Be patient with them or yourself.

Words play a strong influence in our life, which can lift you up or tear you down.

The text from my son of the gif remind me that he thought enough of me to send and that it said I Love You, will never be deleted. I needed that from him.

Just a note… to another, kind and encouraging words, a smile or a touch brings hope. We all need hope.

05799657-FB85-492E-9D16-12903DAEDE4D

https://biblereasons.com/kindness/