Blue Christmas

My heart sinks in despair today, the memories and the loneliness overwhelm my soul.  The cloudy, rainy day doesn’t help and everything in front of me to do, I’d rather push away.c742fbc0-696e-42f7-9993-c1bad74152b8-58952-00000da5b593db5f

The holidays are here but my heart isn’t.

The Christmas tree is up and lit, thankfully a pre-lit tree.  I struggle to add the ornaments one at a time.

Family will be here in ten days to celebrate and the desire to clean, decorate, wrap gifts of the ones that I do have remain undone.

I know if I put my heart in all of this, I can whip it out in no time and all will look well.  By the time everyone gathers, it will.  Where is my get up and go?

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Am I dealing with sadness, or is it grief, or the holiday blues, perhaps procrastination at its finest, just no energy within, perhaps it is my age and, of course, is it depression from everything and all?  Sadly enough, it’s all of those listed.

No doubt others around you and me feel the same or have at some point in life.  Holidays are rough.

My get up and go… is gone.  Just for now!

A few more ornaments will be added here and there.  A dust rag swipes a table near.  The Christmas music, I’ll turn up and hum along.  Soon I’ll write out my menu to shop and prepare.  The family will come, eat and enjoy. Then everyone will be gone.   The holidays will be over once again.  The cold dark days of January begin.

657322F3-DD1A-4BAD-B269-034F546F5E83Be sensitive to those around you.

We never know what others are going through.

 

http://blog.naturalhealthyconcepts.com/2013/12/10/holiday-blues/

Temporary

7F1B569C-FE5D-414E-8D88-9800E6CC0890Temporary, seems to be the word of the day or maybe this week.  Time will tell. Moving to our temporary office location, I keep hearing the others in the office repeat and remind themselves of this fact.

All evening, I have been in blah-ville.  Ever been there?   B5AA4D88-7B3E-434D-A4E5-AB827BB5D91FJust could not shake the sadness of grief, memories and the tears came easy.  I’ve done so well but realizing these thoughts and feelings are only temporary.  I understand them.

While receiving a text from my best sister-like, friend, of her situation living out west, as we both are settling in for bedtime, she expressed what she went through today and also said, it’s only temporary.

I know without a doubt that a good night’s sleep will bring new strength tomorrow.

Just know and reminding myself, it’s only temporary.

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Feels Like Forever

Time has passed and I have not talked to you.  So many times I think of you and wonder what it is like for you now.  What are you doing?  How are you?  The questions roll over and over, day after day in my mind.  You are missed! 62E5DB0E-AE92-4FBB-8FA5-9995B07D3C4D
While the time has been just a few weeks, it feels like a year.  I so miss you and I miss talking to you.  Do you ever think of me?  Do you ever wonder what it is like for me, what I am doing or how I am?
Grief has a way to digging into our heart and thoughts and feelings of our relationship that is of non-existence, which makes me sad.  Time was devoted and now there is none. 271E1CDA-1BFE-4760-91A3-AF632A6781C3
My mind can go to the negative quickly, as I am dead to you now, but I choose not to do that.  I try anyway.  Whether you like it or not, I was a part of your life.  Many times I expressed my heart and feelings to you, you know I care.  I still do.
I am healing slowly and getting through the raw feelings of being abandoned, yet again.  The tears are less and the smiles are upon my face more and I accept a new normal to my usual routine of life.
74E7FA61-57BF-4538-8E69-54FA18A396D1The void is still present but being filled and I am allowing just that.
Grief, whether in death or in real-life losses, it is still grief.
Take one day at a time.  Wipe the tears, cherish the memories and go forward.
You have to!

… Am I Special?

Numerous times through my life I get to this point of wondering, in a certain situations, plus I feel a panic within because I don’t feel special.  Those negative thoughts emerge of not feeling loved, etc.

Whether we are young or old, we all want to feel special and should make it a point of making others feel special.

fa8e3947-a071-4e73-a7f3-3c588c3d7ea9-495-00000017993225c5Knowing this is a childhood issue that seems to be on the verge of healing within me but still it just stops in a panic, as tears always begin rolling down my face.  I cannot get past this point.

Something caused this many, many years ago and here I am and it still stops me in my tracks.  What made me feel so bad back then?

All a little girl wants is to feel special and loved.  Apparently, at some point that died within me.  Existence became the norm.  I understand how to exist but love, there I am hesitant and question its validity.

The past few days, I have been reading a book, “Think This Not That” by Rita A. Schultz, LPC.   My counselor talked many times about the neurons that can be rewired within our brain so this was a book that I knew would be relevant and carry on her information.

I totally recommend this book.  Today though, I hit a section called Breaking Free.  This chapter dealt with shame, the meaning, what it is, how it affects us, etc.  At the Breaking Free section within the chapter on shame, it brought back a remembrance and I just broke.  Big, hot tears flowed.  I had to put the book down to take care of me and my emotional turmoil within. As I write this, the tears well up again and fall.

Shame causes much pain and heartache, not even knowing it.   I really was lost and unsure what shame was when I started with my counselor.  A wise woman, as my counselor, helped me to see so many things clearer and that of shame.  How did I get so old and not realize all those years, I have been dealing with shame-based lies and the torment is presents?  Thank God I had her in my life to help me.

Something happened but to pinpoint it today, is a mystery.   I do know the Lord is healing me and this is no mistake I am reading this book, too. Just a little deeper into the mire of shame that has been heaped upon my head as a child and carried through adulthood.

When the Breaking Free section I read, I remembered when my counselor and I talked last, before her leave of absence, she said to me and I wrote about it earlier, “I care for you and I love you.”54775180-765f-4786-b227-cee1e0ac83eb-495-0000001666283ad2

In my mind and like I have questioned others when they  have said such to me or similar and that is, “but… did you tell the others (clients, people, etc.) the same?   Knowing, if so, I can dismiss the heartfelt words as I am not special. Too good to be true!

Just that thought of questioning their care and love for me and the possibility it said or expressed to another/others, my heart sinks within.  I truly hate when that occurs within me, it’s like all hope is gone.

Please love me, make me feel like I am special to you.

Oh my heart wants to believe and know without a doubt that I am special, cared for and loved.

I do and I don’t and repeat, at times.

Funny, this book mentioned is basically about turning the thoughts around, as I was being taught and now reinforced.  Like, I am doubting of being special and loved.   To turn it around and rewire my brain, I must believe and tell myself that I know she (counselor, in this instance) does in fact care for me, how could she not love me and I know I am special to her.  This brings peace to my heart and soul. 7A858015-0E7E-434D-9386-A279EF302AFB

I like that and want to stay here.  Hoping that rewiring works!   So many times we have discussed such in counseling.  I do know she cares.  Seriously, how could she not love me after four years of sessions weekly or more.  I am special to her, as she is to me.

Knowing full well, she has to maintain her role as my counselor still while on leave.  There’s a boundary that must be maintained although I so miss her and our time talking.

Not just her, there is one that I also remembered today in the same situation.  Jan is a well-known figure in our area and she was like a mother figure to me, especially after my mother passed.  If it had not been for her, her hugs and all, my grief and dealing with other things in my life, my marriage dying also, I cannot imagine what I would have done.  Her care and love proved itself to me during those dark days of my life.

0E8E6586-CCB7-4F5E-9E2E-6CFDF560210EI do believe the Lord places people in our lives at the right time to get us through a path we are walking.  As for the counselor, I was not ready for that to end.  I felt abandoned.  Still dealing with that but to rewire my mind and know it was necessary of this leave for her, I know she still cares and probably wonders how I am doing.  I hope so, ant not forgotten.

With Jan, in her public role, she is thought of by so many and she loves everyone.  I had a hard time with that at certain points because I wanted to feel special to her.  How can she love them, she loves me.  The chaos that can bring in my mind was torment.  Again, somewhere in my childhood, this is left dangling and I was hurt.

Today, it is possible and I know that, to care for others.  It is just sorting this out.  Perhaps bringing me to the point of healing of a deep wound within.  I’m so open for that.

c7d7b775-af1a-45f4-aac1-4d4a08cac7c6-495-0000001cf5eb797bUnderstanding and seeing this pattern also, I have people that mean a lot to me, as I am well liked and I am very personable.  So I know it is possible.

It’s the WHY inside me that I need to feel special whether to my counselor or to Jan, just two as examples.  Why do I fall apart when I start questioning them?  Lord, show me!

Narrowing down, I want to know where the root is at and where and when it started and dig it out.  I desire healing of this hole in my heart and to be whole.

Most importantly, I know I AM SPECIAL TO GOD, that’s all that matters anyway. ❤️

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Mother, May I?

Here am I, another year older today, in fact.  I’m old.  Still my heart lingers to have and receive love that was never given to me.   While I now understand some of the dynamics of how and the whys, my yearning for a mother-daughter love will go to the grave with me.

Years of counseling, delving into my childhood issues, we hit on a lot of important issues and so many I never knew, just knowing through life, I was missing love, not fully understanding why.

Somebody, please love me!BE7B396F-90A4-4B9B-89B2-E493595655D0

Looking back, I do not remember as a child be snuggled or loved on.  Realizing I was the last child of seven and fully taking it as an oops baby, and after seven years from my sibling.  I knew and just accepted that life was busy with the others and just existed.  While I existed and took it all in stride, I was left reeling for much-needed love and attention.

I became very independent as a child and put in responsible positions, even at the age of six.  I was used for babysitting that early and on my own, for one or more children.  I would not even consider doing such for my boys, but they did me.  I got the job done, the babies and kids loved me, as I was a kid myself.  I was very dependable and loved the opportunity, while now knowing they used and basically abused me in that fashion.  No six year old, much less younger than twelve, should be placed in that position.

Scary enough, while bringing this up, I remember using a gas stove that had to start by a match, in order to heat up a bottle of milk.  I tried it but was so unsure of myself and probably one reason fire scares me to this day.  Thankfully, I was smart enough to run the bottle under hot water to do the same.  I could have blown us up and the building.  It didn’t help that I let this baby, another time, roll off the couch.  They trusted me.  Nuts!

Back to the other, still trying to understand when, where and why this all happened to me, I found I was drawn to other motherly figures.  Most that I was drawn to, I realized a pattern, they gave me attention, they talked to me, wanting to know me, I was able to sit next to them and that I did.  I could not get close enough, just let my arm touch yours was my secure attachment that flooded my heart with love.  I needed that closeness.

To this day, I still like that or the feeling of one to pat my arm or back as in, thata girl, or I am proud of you, you are special, I care.  If I felt a closeness to you, a motherly sense, you could probably hit me (just using this as an example) and I would be fine.  Why?  Because whether it be a pat on the back, your hand touching my arm, etc., I can burn that image and that feeling in my mind to pull up afterward whether it be soon after, days or years.  I needed that touch.  I needed to know you cared enough to do that.   Silly I know but my heart, my mind and my soul yearns for love.

D3A6883D-047C-477D-9EF4-C7B54A43C5FDWhat was it that caused disconnection between my mom and I?  I may never know.  While I know she was my mother, I was her daughter, I am in the family, there was something missing between us.

Years and years and still, although less nowadays, I clung to others in that role or similar.  Often in my mind trying to relay to another, hoping they would read my mind.  My mind screaming within, ‘Please Hug Me’ as my love bank was low. 08C8C495-E9E2-423E-9036-9AB60F1F26B4

The void of love given to me was lost somewhere and how sad that is of not knowing yet where.

Mother?  May I … receive your love, your hugs, your snuggles, your care, your attention, your hand to pat me of thata girl, to be interested in me, to encourage me, to brag on me, just hold me, to tell me how much you loved me over and over again?

Mom, while you were there within my reach, I just existed.  Why?

Today, I am understanding and also healing but most importantly, trusting the Lord.

I know without a doubt that He loves me, I feel His Love, He is with me at all times and that He will never leave me.  ❤️

 

 

Once Was

Happy Anniversary LetteringThe day after!

I woke up earlier than need be after a restless night of sleep.  This time with the thought of my wedding anniversary, my 29th one that bypassed without a word the day before.  I’m okay with that although I found the day held a gloom over it. Sadness in my body of knowing what was, that has not been, that is not now or will ever be.

He is always good at giving me a card that is usually set out by my coffee pot, knowing I will see it there and sure enough there it was.  He’s very routine. The card acknowledged by me but dismissed.   I doesn’t matter anymore, it just brings sadness. I looked at the card, read it and placed gently back in the envelope and placed on my wire rack where an place cards received and mementos to show off, for just a period of time.  

Thankfully, as I read, he is broke from writing ‘I Love You‘ after all these years.  Those words written and read produced anger within me for years wondering how he just does not get it.   It was fourteen years ago that his words spoken to me in our counselor’s office, not my Counselor of present, and neither one of them thought anything or replied of my WOW comeback of shock, which was, “I don’t love her and I don’t think I ever did.” I was done, with both of them.

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How in the world was I to take those words and go on with being a wife, have sex and act as though we were happy.   My heart was crushed.  Plus ignored that night in counseling by both him and the counselor and then blamed that those words were taken out of context by him.  An apology never received but that I misconstrued his words.

Numb.  I was so numb which later turned to anger and hatred as the days, months and years numbered.  These words just added to the chaos I felt.  All these years with him and finding porn much earlier, which prompted the marriage counseling after much prodding on my part to bring him. How could all of this happen? To discuss issues was out of the question because he would turn away and avoid any confrontation so I was left to reel in this life of unhappiness of existence alone. The elephant in the room Syndrome and sweep it all under the rug.   

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Years passed after leaving this marriage counselor and just an existence of an empty shell remained of me. Trying with everything inside of me to raise two boys and maintain sanity. Not easy but I did that for them. I became a real good actress to those around me and in church. I was dying inside.

Yes, many will say the boys would have been better off if we had divorced, but I knew that each of them had my care and watch upon them. I truly do not think he would do that and he would let them run astray. I feel proud today knowing I stuck it out and they are both successful young men.

While I am not ignorant of the fact that they have had some emotional turmoil and issues growing up and will have to face some as an adult because of this, but I will pat myself on the back for sticking it out through some hell but also kicking myself of some of the hell that they experienced. I had to trust the Lord then and I do now.

This past year though along with the years of counseling with my personal counselor that I write about, I began to get a grip of myself, my life and of this so-called business partnership, marriage that I am a part of and that is of boundaries. What a difference.   

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While we are still legally married and under the same roof, it is not a marriage and no intention of it being any different, til death do us part (or divorce do we part). Today, I can be in the same room and carry on a conversation with him but it is all a general, life discussion. Typical with Aspergers, which makes sense why I felt like I was going crazy with this man. Years ago, I walked into my counselor’s office feeling almost dead in all areas of my life. 

Holding onto a thread of hope, which she gave me and I truly feel the Lord led me to her. Otherwise, I do not know where I would be right now. Somebody heard me, understood me and I did not feel so alone in life. Research, reading and getting grounded in knowledge of what I was going through opened my eyes and my life restored to a point of existence and wanting to exist.  The counselor does their part but it takes the client to do their part, too.

Thankfully today, the tension and much hatred is gone and that has been nice.  I am hoping and going on that the Lord has changed and healed me in many areas.  I am not responsible for him.  Forgiveness goes without saying, a must.  This did not come overnight, but today I am happier, allowing myself boundaries in this so-called business-marriage relationship.  For now, it works.

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Abandonment

The overwhelming panic that occurs within seems uncontrollable for minutes on end.   Finally, a calmness comes but at the moment, it feels as though my world is crumbling all around me.   I freeze in a state of panic.B0573495-F515-4206-9F85-C607EBDC63A8

Never realizing of all my life until a wise counselor brought this to my attention in the last few years.  The attachment issues for some, usually mother figures, which ends in loss.  Whether our paths no longer cross and the painful loss dwindles.  It comes in many forms but each one brings abandonment.   Yet again, I feel this deep within with the loss of my Counselor being on medical leave.

Really, will she return, I ask myself?  Will she even acknowledge me if and when she does?  Perhaps I caused this but knowing, I don’t have enough power to do that, to lose her whole practice with clients, so that eases my mind.  How can she do this to me? Knowing that is a selfish though but normal.  I do care for her well-being but, you left me.  These thoughts and fears roll over in my mind daily if not more, trying to cope in life.  If people only knew the craziness of it all within me, they would be shocked.   I have to be cool but I am not   Guess that is where my actress skills with my mask comes in handy.

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So today, I pondered the ‘root’ of this abandonment within my life.  It is a childhood issue.  Most adult problems are childhood issues.   Now, I want to know when, where and why this developed within me.  What major loss caused me to deal with this pain throughout my life and still, over and over again.

This leave of absence of hers has put me in anxiety, like never before.   There are a lot of loose ends that are dangling, that causes me chaos.  Many times we discussed this dangling in our sessions with various topics.  Now, a BIG dangling area is before me with no hope.

0A79AC16-9E30-4FBF-8013-280372439DCBI have questions, I need her wise input, I need to discuss my feelings and emotions, I need to know that she understands where I am and can validate my feelings.  I need her!  All of this is left hanging in the balance while I sort through and remain numb and reaching out to hold on for dear life.   Help me!6CF60112-5953-4897-AB97-CD92508902A6

How can I not be angry at times?  At her, at God, at myself.  Here I go again but it feels a million times worse than the last time.  I’m older, I should be able to grasp and get my act together but at times I lose it.  It takes everything within me to hold it together.

Maybe I am at this point to get to the root of this problem. Maybe God displaced her to make me depend upon Him more.   I understand this but cannot help to feel anger even with that.   I learned a long time ago, that I can be angry with God and I can tell Him that.  I have.  It’s actually freeing.   He knows anyway.

The journey of healing is not easy but is worth it.   Oh Dear God, please open my eyes to see and understand where this root came from, to remove and to bring healing to my Spirit, Soul and Body.

If you have been following my blog, thank you.  While many of my writings are depressing, it is because it is.  This is a walk that is uncomfortable and brings vulnerability on my part to share.   Even so, it has helped me to write, tell my story and be heard even if in print.  Again, thank you.

One day maybe my counselor will read my blogs to see where I have been, where I am and one day where I will be.  I was blessed to have her in my life and I hope and pray for her daily.